I followed Lukth the short distance to her quarters, acutely aware that there were very few places to hide on the tiny sneakship. Once inside, she turned and folded her arms in an expression that certainly gave evidence to the whole 'we're all related' idea the humanoids in this galaxy believed in.

"What are you doing?" Lukth said. I relaxed a little. This was homicidal Klingon officer Lukth.

"Me? I am just trying to survive this crazy universe." I said.

"I thought we were on the same side. That you were willing to help the Empire." she took several steps closer and made that 'chimera stripping it's gears' sound. "That you would help me." said homicidal, I want your genes Lukth.

"I am helping. Believe me when I say you won't find anything but death if you poke the Necrons." I said.

"You don't seriously believe that 'ancient horrors from when the stars were young' nonsense in the Codex do you?"

"Yes! It happens to be true. The Necron are the servitors of some ancient cosmic horror and have been creeping round since ever. Why does everyone find that so hard to believe? Especially here. The ruins of ancient civilisations and their terminally dangerous leftovers can be had ten for a throne in this blasted universe. The Enterprise alone seems to find a new one every other week!" I said. Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a little for effect but a brief review of the Enterprise's exploits did involve the words 'ancient', 'ruin', 'deadly', 'dangerous', 'god-like' and 'casualty report' rather often.

"What do you mean especially here?" Lukth looked doubtful.

"Organians, Que's, Travellers, Metrons. This universe seems to be a retirement home for ancient cranky entities. Why should one more come as a surprise? Why not bother the others? And if you stay away from them because they're dangerous, what makes you think this one will be any different?" I said.

"That's precisely why we must try. This is not a nice, safe galaxy. It is full of wonders and terrors beyond imagining. It is no place for the faint of hearts. History has shown us what happens to those who fail to seize the galaxy with both hands. They are seized themselves." said Lukth, she smiled. "Speaking of which. Your genes, inside me, now."

Making for the door proved to be a mistake. This wasn't the happy, freedoms mad Federation but a much more sensible Klingon ship. Security, levels of access or, in my particular case, egress. Which I did not have, alas. Lukth quickly had me corned and in an embrace that was fierce in all senses of the word. Things may of gone badly had the vox not intervened.

"Commander." came a voice. It was Nath.

"What is it?" growled Lukth.

"The Federation android has located the underground complex. We will soon be ready to transport down." said Nath.

"Very well. I will be there." said Lukth. The vox cut off.

I grinned. "Business before pleasure. Duty calls." I said.

Lukth growled, but did let me go. "I will see you at the transporter room." she said as she selected a nasty looking mono-knife and released the door. I hastily made my escape. Of course, if I had known what we were about to encounter I would of smeared myself with honey or whatever it is that turns Klingons on and insisted on the 'improvement of the species', as it were. The main thing which prevented me from doing so since I had made a pretty accurate guess as to what we would find was that I had no idea how to get hold of a suitable amount of honey. Jurgen would of known how, but he was another universe away damn it.

So I checked the charge on my phaser and wished I had something more substantial than a Federation bodysuit, if only just for piece of mind. I then joined the queue at the Krom's armoury since extra weapons could only help.

"I am the very model of a modern major general. I've Information vegetable, animal and mineral. I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical." said Que. He appeared to be a Klingon warrior but I was getting used to the daemon's preferred countenance and habitual smirk.

"Go away." I hissed. "Or send me to Risa. Then go away."

"Why so grouchy? You, my friend are a good luck charm. Once again we have people cooperating and exploring in ways they never would of thought of, you included. I think I should take you along on all my excursions as... OW! Bloody hell that hurt. Okay. So maybe I won't. But you've got to admit this is fun."

"Fun? These idiots want to crack open a Necron Tomb and look inside. And have me there with them." I said.

"Hmm. Necron, yes. Rather temperamental. Spare the flayer, spoil the civilisation and all that." said Que.

"Temperamental?"

"I'm just an ancient cranky entity. Probably just showing my dotage. Well, go on, have fun." said Que, who then vanished.

"What can I do for you?" asked Darak, the quartermaster. I was at the front.

"Disruptor."

Clonk.

"Grenades."

Clang-clank.

"Phased microwave converter in the 50 gigawatt range."

"Hey, only what you see."

No meltas. Necrons.

Damn.

So there I was, back on Simia Orichalcae knocking on the Necron's door. We had beamed into a cave next to the entrance. It appeared to be made of large slabs of black stone, each block perfectly aligned with it's neighbour. The door looked imposing, it looked forbidding, it looked downright scary. It was a door that said 'Enter and you a frakked'. I agreed. I did not want to enter. At the moment neither did anyone else, the outside was apparently interesting.

"This substance has several unusual properties..." that was Data, who then started spouting bizarre technoglyphs. We had been on Simia for about twenty minutes, most of which had been spent watching Data run his auspex over a wall. Here we were in what I had made plain was very hostile territory and the mad android had us stopped at the gate.

"This is a waste of time. Stop scanning the stone Starfleet. Let us enter." said Baz. The Klingons made for the door for what had to be the third time.

"Please. Wait. Let my officer finish his readings. We could learn a lot before just rushing in." said Riker. The Klingons paused and looked at Lukth. "Data, what have you discovered so far." continued Riker. The mechanical abomination on our side paused the auspex, stood and opened his mouth.

"The substance is not stone although it has a deceptively similar appearance. As part of it's structure appears..." said Data. Everyone just stared as words like 'atomic', 'molecular', 'subspace', 'quantum' and 'phasic' washed over us.

"A little more simply please." said Riker.

"Oh. This matter has the equivalent of some sort of internal shielding built into it's base structure. And some other properties which I have been unable to discern as yet." said Data.

"Can you get us a sample." said Lukth.

"I will try. However the material is quite resistant." said Data. He resumed his attentions to the wall. After a few minutes the Klingons got impatient, again.

"Why are we wasting time with samples. Let's just open the door." said Baz.

"I do not think we have a way to open it until the android works out how to break a piece off." said Lukth. "Any ideas Deathbringer?"

I was quite happy to be at a loss. "Nope, last time I was here we sort of just fell in." I said, then wished I hadn't.

"And you know the way to the main centre? The armoury?" said Lukth.

"Well, yes." I admitted.

"Well, that will save time once we get inside." said Lukth. "How long is that machine going to take?"

Quite a while as it turned out. While the tomb wall was resistant to Data's probing the android was nothing if persistent in eliciting secrets which Data happily informed everyone in earshot of. Everyone tried to make themselves comfortable and some ration bars were shared around.

"Why is there a door?" said Worf after some time.

"What?" said several people, myself included.

"A door is a weak point. If these Necrons are everything Cain has said then why have a door? This cave is just an opening in the rock. It doesn't go anywhere."

Why indeed? I hadn't really thought about it. Mainly because I'm either too busy running and hiding to contemplate the finer points of Necron architecture. I was interrupted at this point by an itching of my palms. I stood up and checked my weapons.

"What is it Deathbringer?" said Lukth. She too, got up as did everyone else.

"I'm not sure, something's going on." I said. At which point the door opened. The massive slab descended into the floor. The slab's top appeared seamless with those around it and the floor within. "Okay, that was unexpected." However it was about to get worse. Our vox units activated.

"We are the Borg. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile." came the soulless mechanical voice of the Borg.

This was not good. "Everyone inside." I yelled, "There's no cover here."

If we had somehow gained access ourselves I had planned to lead everyone round the outskirts of the tomb until everyone got bored and decided to go home. It was a forlorn hope, but still. That had all gone to hell with the arrival of the Borg. The tomb had opened up obediently for them and then Borg had materialised and marched inside. Not willing to be seen we had run in before them. The steady tromp of Borg feet on the tomb's floor drove us onward. I was aware that we were heading to the heart of the complex.

"I don't see why we just fight them." said Gath. One benefit of being pursued by Borg. You don't have to move that fast.

"We could, but they would just send reinforcements." said Lukth. "Adapted reinforcements. This is still a stealth mission."

We continued through the tunnels. Everything was made of the same dark material. Each block was adorned with strange glyphs and pictures. Every now and then my eye would pick out something. A thin warrior in power armour with a tapering helm. An Eldar? A group of shorter warriors. Orks? Unfortunately I did not have time to stop and study them as we hurried on.

"I would like to know what the Borg intend." said Data.

"It won't be anything good. What's that up ahead?" said Riker.

This was to a green glow. It was being shed by the bizarre artefacts and machines in a large, vaulted room. Worse still was the decorations of the walls, if you could call it that. Every few metres was a small recessed alcove in which stood a metallic skeleton. Each skeleton held a gauss flayer as if at parade rest. Of note was a large metal case near one corner and a circular dais by one of the walls. I had no idea what the big box was but I recognised a Necron teleport pad.

We hid as the borg marched in. There were twenty of them, walking two abreast. The red light from their luminators swept over the chamber creating disturbing patterns. They marched straight towards the teleporter.

"They mean to repair the teleporter." I said as the realisation hit me. "The Necron were stuck in here. Unable to get out in any meaningful way." I looked at the others. "We have to stop them. You cannot allow the Necron to get loose in your galaxy. We need a way to wreck that pad."

Worf crept over to me and proffered the metal tube. "Would a mini-photon launcher be of any help?"

Being told by an aggressive xeno that he has access to a supply of antimatter explosives was probably the best news I have had lately.

"That could work." I said.

Trapped in the lair of an ancient, incomprehensible evil. Check.
Outnumbered and cut off from outside support. Check.
In the company of idealists and lunatics who apparently have no truck with boring and abstract concepts like 'Do not poke the frakking Necron!' I mean, is that such a hard concept to grasp? Anyways, check.
Not being somewhere pleasant indulging in a game of chance with agreeable company. Check bloody check.
Doomed, desperate, almost certainly about to appear before the Throne. Check.

On this particular Thursday I was in a Necron Tomb with the Federation and Klingons subbing for the idealists and lunatics I was more used to. Drawn like moths to a flame they had dragged me along with them. The Borg had shown up as well, because, why the bloody hell not. All was dark, gloomy and hopeless. A grimdark nightmare from which even death may not be an option for escape.
And yet...

"Tell me about your supply of mini-photons." I said to Worf.

I wasn't sure into which category, idealist or lunatic, that Worf fitted. The large xeno was both a Klingon and a member of the Federation. It was probably both.

"It's an experimental weapon. I am looking forward to seeing if the Borg can adapt to it." said Worf with what I had learned was a grin on a Klingon.

"Exactly how destructive is that weapon Lieutenant?" said Riker.

"I believe the initial blast radius to be 80 metres, with overpressure effects from thermal expansion being on the order of about 1500 metres, sir. Lethal radiation scatter..." said Data. The assembled Klingons looked enviously at the weapon.

"Thank you, Data that's enough. Worf, you realise the chamber we're in is not that big." said Riker.

"I am aware sir. It means we are unlikely to miss." said Worf.

"Yes, of course. Cain, are these things as dangerous as you say." said Riker. Oh great, now they decide to listen.

"No, if anything they're much worse." I said.

"Well then, ideas. Some sort of timer seems to be in order." said Riker.

"That can be done commander." said Worf.

"Lets get to work then." said Riker.

When setting antimatter charges one tends to adopts very careful, slow and deliberate movements. I'm not entirely sure why. It's not like they go off if you accidentally drop or knock them. Even Federer was slightly more careful with similar bombs. At any rate we set the charges. Things were going smoothly and what with being surrounded by murder machines that could wake up and notice us at any moment I wasn't paying attention to what the Klingons were up to.

It was as we left the chamber that we heard the Necrons wake up. The green glow grew in brightness and we heard the scrape of metal on stone as their warriors began to march.
"Run!" I said. It really was our only chance. For once, everyone listened and began running too.

"I wonder what has caused the machines to activate now." said Data. No one could answer as we were too busy running.

As it so happens leaving a complex in a hurry is something I have become good at. Whenever going in I make a note of which way I've gone, so if I do have to leave quickly I don't waste time remembering whether it was right or left, up or down. I consider a valuable life skill. The one problem with a hurried exit is that you can't spend time worrying about where your running to. Which pretty much explains most of my life.

"Thank you, Mr Cain was it?" said Mr Mudd. He was at the entrance with the three Ferengi and several intimidating green goons. "I would like to discuss a potential technology transfer opportunity." Mudd and his entourage were all armed and were waving those weapons towards me.

I hate Thursdays.

Throughout my career it has constantly amazed me how certain people have the knack of showing up at the worst possible moment. I've never been able to tell if it is some innate gift for tormenting me or the Emperor just needs a good chuckle now and then. I was beginning to get the feeling that a lot of people in this universe had that talent. Picard and his merry crew on the Enterprise? Probably. Lukth definitely qualified and I was beginning to have my suspicions of Mr Mudd as well. Especially since he was currently holding me up from escaping from the Necron.

"Sure, fine. Your welcome to all the technology in the vault. It's yours." I said while straining to listen for the distinctive scrape and drag sound the Necron make on stone. I have no idea why they do that either. Why shuffle about like zombies?

"No!" said Riker and Lukth at once.

"No, they've won. Well played Mr Mudd." I said and turned to the idealist and lunatic hell bent on getting me murdered. "Just hand over anything you've got. It's not worth it."
Riker looked like he might come round, plus I doubt looting the tomb had even crossed his mind. Lukth however.

"I do anything you ask, just give the nice men the spare tech and we all live." I pleaded. If you think I was being free with my body bear in mind that being free with my body at a future date implicitly implies having a body to be free with in the future. Which was becoming increasingly unlikely the longer we dithered in front of the tomb entrance.

"I have your word on that?" said Lukth. I gulped and nodded. Of course I was willing to promise anything to avoid the attentions of the ghastly weapons of the Necron. "Very well, Baz give up the stuff."

The Klingon warrior tossed a bag to Mudd and his cronies. As a crony picked it up I thought I could hear the scrape-drag sounds from the tunnel.

"Happy, can we go now?" I said. Mudd nodded and I scampered out of what was going to very soon be a hail of green death. The idealists and lunatics followed. As soon as we were clear I hissed "Activate the teleports." Lukth gave me one of her gear stripping purrs and did so.

"Krom, emergency transport, now!" Lukth said into her vox. I tensed, expecting that nasty feeling associated with teleportation. What happened was worse. Nothing happened. And then it got even worse as I saw the tomb tunnel illuminated by the horrible green light of the Necron.

"Take cover!" I yelled and leapt for a pile of obsidian.

Some of you reading these recollections may of gained the impression that the Federation is somehow inept at war. Let me dissuade you of that. For all their protestations to the contrary Federation Starfleet personnel are very good at war. They are all physically fit and being a volunteer service has the advantage of selecting the very best amongst their society. While that's not a luxury the Imperium can afford it serves the Federation well. Both the Klingons and Federation reacted to my warning swiftly, took cover and readied weapons. The same cannot be said for Mudd's goons who had started towards the entrance. There was a horrible flash of green light. There was a horrible scream as a goon disintegrated. And then it was screaming, running and dying as the six Necron lurched out firing on the pirates.

"Open fire." called Riker and we began firing on the Necron while Lukth tried to get in contact with the ship. While we had some good distance and cover Necron weapons are very good at removing the latter. As they were doing now. Necron also don't care about suppressing fire either. They just take whatever shots you can put into them, recover using their infernal technosorcery and then kill you. Horribly.

The air was lit by green flashes punctuated by motes of red from our weapons. The only bright point was that Necron are rather single minded and were concentrating mainly on the pirates. That would change soon. They would then advance on us and we would die.

"Any ideas?" growled Worf as the rock about him was steadily dissolved.

"More running. We can move around the tomb." I said. It was true. The Tomb stood in the centre of the chamber. We could actually walk, or in this case flee all the way round it. And so began one of the more insane chases I've participated in. Us running round a Necron tomb and them plodding along behind us. It occurred to me at the second bend that the necron would soon split up and catch us in a pincer. They were slow, not dumb.

It had occurred to the Necron as well. There was a Necron warrior waiting for us. I nearly ran straight into him ducking under his weapon which saved my life for a few moments as it reversed it's grip. It would of skewered me with the blade if I hadn't managed to get my chainsword out and on. I parried the machine's blow and was driven back by the force of it. Fortunately this gave Worf the opening to blast it's head clean off. It was at that point I saw more green glows from both of the other corners.

I have never welcomed any teleport more gratefully than the one that caught us then. Lukth had finally got through to the Krom and we had escaped. I never thought the strange lighting and gravity of a xeno ship would come as a relief.

"Well, that was an adventure. " said Riker.

"It was indeed." said Worf.

"I believe you and I have some business now." said Lukth. Damn. Now was time to pay.

"Just a moment commander. I am certain my captain will want to debrief Mr Cain and the rest of us before any pleasantries. In the interests of greater Klingon Federation understanding of course." said Riker.

Finally hooray. Maybe I could even escape to Risa.

The End.