Hi everyone :) I have hit a little bit of a writer's block with Nothing to Fear, although I promise I am not done with it! But I just got too excited for my new story now to statr writing it. I really really hope you like it. It's a little different than my usual, but I hope you all still enjoy it :)

Chapter 1

Erin's POV

There are moments in your life, pivotal moments, where your life seem to split in two. Where suddenly there are two versions of yourself. There's the person you were before the pivotal moment happened, and then there's the you after.

Sometimes it's subtle. Sometimes you don't even know that it's happening, it's only in retrospect that you're able to see the significance of the moment.

Like the day Hank Voight arrested me for solicitation when I was 15. Or the day I met Jay Halstead in the bullpen at District 21. Two men that would change the trajectory of my life forever, that would completely tilt my world on it's axis, shoving me into a whole new one.

But then there are the big moments. The moments that you know with one hundred percent certainty, even as it's happening, that your life will never be the same.

Like the day Jay bent down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Or even the day Hank walked me down the aisle, and I finally, finally became Jay's wife.

Then there was the day that Jay got the letter in the mail from the Rangers, calling him back to Afghanistan.

But then all of those paled in comparison to the day one month later, when I peed on a stick and I found out I was pregnant.

I had still been holding the stick in my hand when I heard the knock at the door. It was still in the early hours of the morning, the sun barely having risen over the horizon, so I should have known. But I didn't. I was so focused on the stick in my hand I just skipped down the stairs, completely unprepared and blissfully unaware for a few more moments of how incredibly, awfully my life was about the change.

That was the day I found out my husband was dead.

And in one minute, everything split from one life to the next.

I went from wife to widow. From happy to devastated. From whole to incomplete.

He had been in a helicopter that had gone down. Half of the bodies had been recovered at the scene, half were missing in action.

I was supposed to consider myself lucky that Jay had been one of the dead one's. That at least I knew where his body was laid to rest, that I wouldn't be kept wondering.

I sat at his funeral, begging to open the casket. I needed to see my husband's face one more time. But the Rangers on guard wouldn't let me, citing that it would be better for me in the long run if I didn't know what his face looked like in the end. That it would haunt my dreams.

As if they weren't already going to be haunted.

Now, though, I derive new meaning from that whole day. But I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember sitting there, sobbing, wiping my snot into the black sleeve of my dress until Hank gave me a tissue.

I sat there with a life growing inside me that no one else knew about. And I just remembered envying those women, those other women, the women who's husband's had just been missing in action.

Sure, everyone said those women wouldn't be able to move on. They would spend there life wondering, hoping their husbands would come home. But I remember thinking I would never be able to move on, anyway.

And what the fuck is wrong with a little bit of hope.

All my hope had been lost. It had vanished in an instant. And the moment they handed me that goddamned flag, I wanted to throw it back in their stupid faces. I wanted to shout NO! Give him BACK!

I need him here.

Our baby needs him here.

There were other moments, too, after that. Big and small. Like the day my son Jacob was born.

I had chosen the name to closely resemble his fathers. I had wanted to name our son after him, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to call out Jay's name every day for the rest my life and not have my Jay answer me. I knew Jacob was as close as I would be able to get.

It was eight months after the funeral, and it was devastating and beautiful and magical and lonely all at once.

I think that's how I would describe my life since, too.

My life became a little more normal, though, after that. Jacob and I moved in with Hank, and I began to adjust to my new reality, and I even managed to move on a little. I allowed myself to be set up, and I met someone else. And even though it wasn't the great love that I had had with Jay Halstead, it became enough for me.

Because after all those moments, I think I realized that something safe and comfortable is okay. And because let's be real, I was never going to feel that great love again. No sense in even trying.

I had had my true love, I had had him for years. It may have been too short for my liking, but it was longer than some people had in a lifetime.

So when Paul asked me to marry him, I said yes. And that time didn't seem to split my life in two the way Jay's proposal had. It didn't feel as significant of a moment, my life didn't turn on it's axis, but it did put a smile on my face and it did bring small tears to my eyes.

And so, I thought I was done with those big moments.

Maybe we would have another baby, a sibling for Jacob. But those big moments, well, those are ones you can plan for, so they're not really the same.

I would settle down with Paul, and I would live a quiet, safe life. I couldn't return to my former self, and that was okay. That girl had split off that day two and a half years ago, and now she was gone.

But then, I woke up this morning, and my life changed again.

The life I had carefully constructed, the safe life I had chosen to protect myself against surprises and heartache.

Apparently, the universe had one other big moment in store for me.

0000 0000 0000 0000 0000

It was Sunday. I rolled over before my alarm, like I did every morning, my inner clock never letting me sleep past 6 am.

It was something my former self was, remarkably, always able to do. On the weekends, when I wasn't working, I could sleep like a champ. Jay, always the early riser, used to make fun of me. He used to open the shades dramatically, shoving them aside as he said Morning sunshine and handed me a cup of steaming coffee.

And he would only do that after 9 am, because honestly, getting woken up before 9 am on the one or two days you don't have to work is just mean.

But the minute Jacob was born, I became an early riser. It first started because he was, but now, with my one and a half year old sleeping until seven or eight, I use the time to get stuff done.

Also, because if I'm being honest, snuggling up to Paul in the morning isn't as appealing as it should be.

That's the thing about Paul. He is truly amazing. He is smart and handsome and funny and polite and I know he would be a fantastic stepfather to Jacob. And all those things make him the perfect person to share my life with. And so, I think somewhere along the line I decided it was okay that I didn't want to wrap my body around him, using his skin to warm mine like I used to with Jay.

So, instead of staying tucked beneath my warm blanket, I got up. I did a load of laundry. I got dressed. I made my own coffee. Then, I got Jacob up, and I got him dressed.

Then, Paul, Jacob, and I got in the car and drove the five minute drive to Hank's house for breakfast.

"Good morning," Hank said, as we walked through the door. "How's my favorite little man?"

Paul had carried Jacob from the car, and Hank immediately plucked him possessively out of his arms. The motion may have seemed okay, even normal to Paul, but I knew better.

Hank was not a fan.

"Grandpa!" Jacob squealed. He had only learned a few words, his vocabulary being okay, albeit slightly delayed for a one and a half year old, but grandpa had been one of the first words he learned. Mama, Grandpa, cookie, no, and then, Paul.

"Morning, Hank," I said, leaning in and kissing him chastely on the cheek. I still work in the Intelligence unit, with a new partner that dons Jay's desk, so I see Hank everyday. But the affectionate hugs and fatherly kisses on the forehead are generally reserved for Sunday morning breakfast.

"Morning, kid," he replied.

Hank kissed Jacob on the forehead, and moved into the house. He deposited him in his play pen, the area that had been previously set up for Daniel, but now that he was older, was now Jacob's personal corner in the Voight household.

"Kid, can you come talk to me in the kitchen for a minute?" Hank asked, making it clear that Paul was not invited to join the discussion.

"Yeah," I tilted my head at him, giving him a raised eyebrow and a confused face, even thought I knew exactly what this was about.

When we were out of Paul's ear shot, he started in with it again. "Erin," he said with no preamble. "I know you loved Jay," he reached for my hand then, knowing that I would need a little extra comfort when hearing Jay's name. "And I know you think you'll never be able to love like that again, but you will."

This was the same talk he had given me less than a year ago when he had wanted me to start dating again.

Now he was giving me the same talk, with a different goal in mind.

"Like you were able to love someone that wasn't Camille?" I asked, knowing it was kind of a low blow, but feeling like I finally needed to let that statement out.

"You're right," he replied, his voice soft and sad, his face resigned. "I was never able to love someone the way I was able to love Camille." He kept his eyes on me though, making sure I really heard him. "But I also didn't settle down with someone I didn't love just because I thought it was time I stop looking."

I was speechless, then, because, of course, he was right.

My wedding was two weeks away, and the itch that had started between my shoulders seem to be growing in intensity everyday.

But I still wasn't ready to acknoledge it.

"Think about it," he said, knowing I didn't have the words to answer. "Just think about what I said."

I nodded, unable to verbalize that I would, but trying to show that I had, in fact, heard him.

After a few moments of comfortable, sad silence, I went back into the living room to play with Jacob while Hank stayed in the kitchen to finish preparing breakfast.

Just like he had every Sunday morning since the day Jacob and I moved in.

It was just a normal Sunday morning.

A normal Sunday morning.

But isn't that always how it is?

The day before your whole life changes is just like any other day.

When I got to the living room, I didn't even think twice before answering when my cell phone rang, even though it was an unknown number.

"Hello," I said into the receiver, but I was only half paying attention.

But then a husky, familiar voice came over the line. "Er?" he said.

And then, once again, my life split in two.

xoxo

Let me know if you think I should continue with this!