Misaki POV

As I lay there a feeling bubbled up in my belly, at first I couldn't place it. It wasn't happy, of course I was happy but that wasn't what this feeling was. I then realized what it was, pride. I was proud of myself. For the first time in a really long time I felt like I had taken a step forward. I had spoken to someone about what I was feeling. That in itself was truly amazing.

It felt good; it felt like I had taken a good solid step forward. A step in the right direction. It had been so long since I had felt anything good towards myself. Even through all my recovery and trying to be better I hadn't had any good thoughts towards myself. In fact I tried not to think about myself very often because I knew it would lead me down a path that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to think about the darker things inside my mind, my demons but here I was actually satisfied with how I acted and glad that I had done what I had done.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea who I did it with, maybe he was just annoyed with me for my uninvited stumble into his life again but I didn't want to think about it that way. I didn't want to think so negatively about everything anymore. I wanted to be a new me.

I fell asleep with that the only thought on my mind.

The next day I awoke early, made breakfast for Usami and then left to go home before Usami even woke up. The breakfast was my apology and my thank you to Usami and I just hoped he would like it. I knew I needed to get home, I hadn't told Nii-chan were I was going or even that I was going out. I could have just called but at the same time I knew Usami wasn't the only person that I needed to talk to. Nii-chan deserved more then what I was giving him.

I was tired of being so scared, I was tired of hurting Nii-chan, I was tired of every emotion I had to go through on a daily bases because I was too anxious and sad. I really didn't want to admit that I was sad. It sounded so embarrassing and ridicules. I didn't want to think that way anymore. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling the emotions I feel. Looking back at everything now I realized that I may have wanted to get better and had pushed myself to go through the steps but I wasn't actually accepting the help I was receiving. Nobody was going to make me better except for me, and that's where I needed to start.

When I got home, Nii-chan was sitting at the table, head in his hands with a cup of coffee in front of him. I wondered if he had slept at all. I probably worried about him the same amount, if not more, than he did about me. I sat down in the seat across from him and he looked up when he heard the noise. A look of relief came across his face and I wondered what he thought I was doing all night. I took a deep breath and then I started saying what I should have said months ago. What I hadn't had the courage to do until this morning.

"I'm sorry, Nii-chan. I know this can't be easy for you watching me struggle. I know that you still don't know why I did it and I'm still not sure I can give you the answers you're looking for. I want you to know, it's not your fault. You have been the most amazing brother in world, you have helped me through everything life had thrown my way and even then you still love me. I worry I've ruined your life more than words can say and for that I'm sorry. I love you and I'm so very sorry"

My voice cracked on the last word and I could feel my eyes become moist with water droplets wetting my eye lashes. I wouldn't let them fall. Nii-chan wasn't looking at me and for a moment I felt as if I had made a horrible decision in talking to him. That was until I saw his shoulder shaking with quiet sobs and I had to go to him. I went besides him, dropping to my knees and wrapped him in a hug.

I didn't like being touched or touching others but for this moment, he needed me as much as I needed him. I felt him give into my hug, throwing his arms around me. It felt good, I felt good. I had done something to ease his burden. I could only hope my words were the right ones. That they conveyed everything I couldn't say and everything I felt. I knew just a few words could never bridge everything across but I could tell Nii-chan understood.

"Thank you" He spoke, no more than a whisper "I've been so worried about you; I kept thinking it was my fault and you hated me. I know this is hard for you and I can't stand watching you struggle. I had thought you didn't think I was here for you but now I see that you have felt my support this whole time. Thank you. Don't apologies, it's okay to not feel so good sometimes. You haven't ruined anything, I'm just happy your here with us."

He pulled away from me at the end and stared me in the eyes. This time I didn't flinch away, I stared straight back into his blue eyes and when he smiled at me I smiled back. I left it on that note, already it had been an eventful morning and I could feel the mental exhaustion from pushing myself so much. No, it wasn't that I was pushing myself. I wanted to do the things I've done this last day. I wanted to make steps forward but the fatigue that came from it was greater than I expected.

I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water loosen the knots forming in my back and shoulders. I didn't think well I was in the shower. I just let it sooth me into a near comatose state, the hot water doing wonders for my aching mind and body. It didn't last for long though. Stepping out of the shower I wrapped a towel around me and stared into the mirror that was so fogged up I couldn't even see my own reflection.

I hadn't seen what I looked like in I don't even know how long. I didn't look at myself anymore; I remembered what I looked like from before. So skinny my cheek bones and ribs stuck out, hair dry and dirty from lack of care, my eyes flat and lifeless, and arms wrapped tightly with bandages. I didn't want to see and that made me angry.

I was so tired of running away from what I had done.

I pulled the towel off me and wiped the mirror down so I could see; see what I had done to myself. Standing there in all my naked glory, I took in everything. I was still too skinny; I could see my bone sticking through my skin, my skin itself was to pale from lack of sun and my eyes still had hollow divots under them. My arms though not wrapped anymore didn't look any better, I could see the little cuts from when I first started, I could see them getting progressively worse, I could see the new ones that were still healing but most of all I could see the ones that almost killed me. Long, deep vertical cuts that went up my arms; purple with shades of pink around the edges.

It made me angry; this is what I have done. As I faced myself head on I realized what exactly I had been doing to myself. I didn't look good, I didn't look healthy, and I didn't look like someone who was in recovery. I looked the same as when I started. I didn't want to see anymore. The more I look the angrier I became. I was angry at myself.

I was so scared and such a coward for so long, how could I have not seen what I was doing? Before I knew it my fist went forward and I smashed the glass. Instantly pain welled up in my hand and my face as glass shards went flying. After it was all said and done I stared shocked at my hand, wondering where all that came from. My body begin to shake with the emotional roller coaster I had been on. I couldn't believe what I had just done. When was the last time I was angry? I stared at the glass around me and the broken mirror on the wall and began to cry. I don't know why I was crying; maybe it was too much too fast. I could just feel this pressure welding up from my tummy and into my throat; it pushed on my eyes and made it hard to breath.

Was it always going to be one step forward and two steps back?

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