Warm hands caressing her naked back, deft fingers dancing lightly along her tense skin, tracing the outline of her shoulder blades, the depression of her spine, stroking her flanks, reaching around and cupping her breasts. Sizzling lips softly brushing her neck and sending shivers up and down her arms. She tosses her head back and purrs deep in her throat like a happy kitten. Thumbs make firm circles against her nipples, and her stomach flutters.

With every touch, burning liquid pools in her core, and the barest beginnings of a powerful orgasm start to form deep in her loins: All it would take to unlock it was a single thrust, a single stroke in the right spot, a faint kiss between her sticky thighs. When it came, she would give herself entirely to it, allowing her eyes to narrow and squeals to rush from her trembling lips...she would let herself shake and quiver...she would allow him to see her at her most vulnerable...as she had let no one see her before.

She leans her head back into the crook of her unseen lover's neck as his hands move over her chest and stomach. She pushes herself up on powerful legs to allow him better access to her center, and when his fingers skip over her pubic mound, she feels herself beginning to melt, but she doesn't care. His fingers dip lower...lower...she rocks her hips, and when he touches her...

Beep-beep-beep.

The vision dissipates like smoke in a swirl of wind. Wait...no...

Beep-beep-beep.

She opens one eye, and the alarm clock on her nightstand watches with smug satisfaction. 6am, time to get up; 6am, time to get up. Gritting her teeth, she reached out and smacked the off button, plunging the room back into silence. She rolled onto her stomach, snatched the pillow, and covered the back of her head with it. "Uhhhhhh!" she groans frustratedly into the mattress. The dream was just starting to get good! She shifted her hips, and yep, she was wet. Not that she wouldn't be; every morning she woke up horny, and had for...God...how long? A month? Six months? It wasn't so bad once she calmed down, got up, and started her day, but first thing in the morning, it was hell. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she could at least get some in her dreams, but every time she came close to being touched down there, or having sex, or anything like that, she either woke up or the dream just stopped, leaving her hot and constipated.

It was a miserable feeling, and she despised it.

Sighing, she tossed the pillow away and got up, swinging her legs out from under the covers and dangling them over the edge of the bed. She laid her hands against the mattress on either side of her and drew a deep breath into her tight chest. The cool air was painful against her fevered skin. Looks like it's another cold shower for me...oh, joy.

Pushing off the bed, she crossed the room and grabbed her towel from its spot over the closet door. The hall was empty at this hour, the first stirring of her siblings not coming for another half hour. Even though she was up at this time every morning, the total stillness never ceased to amaze – and disconcert – her: She was used to the house being full of activity, excitement, chaos...seeing it quiet like this was like seeing someone without their glasses.

In the bathroom, she threw her towel onto the closed commode and stripped out of the oversized jersey she wore to bed. She peeled off her socks, tossed them aside, and got into the shower, where she braced herself for what was about to come, her eyes closed and her lips pursed like a woman anticipating a shot to the head. She turned the knob, and a jet of ice cold water shot out of the head and lashed her flesh like a whip. She gasped and her entire body tensed. Worst part of the day! Worst part of the day!

When she unfroze, she moved as quickly as she could, wetting her hair, squeezing a measure of shampoo into her hand, and then hurriedly rubbing it in. Next, she rubbed the thin lather onto her breasts, her pussy, her ass, and her underarms. She stood under the spray, shivering, and rinsed. Done, she cut the water and jumped out, the cold air needling her goosebump raked skin. She wrapped the towel around her body, grabbed her jersey and her socks, and went out into the hall, which was still as deserted as a desert highway at midnight. In her room, she threw on a pair of red gym shorts and her shirt without turning on the lights. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she pulled a fresh pair of socks on, then her shoes, a shiver racing along her spine. She was still cold.

But she was no longer bothered and hot, so chalk that one up as a win. Lynn Loud – 1, Horniness – 0. She nodded confidently to herself. You got this, girl, she told herself. Just don't think dirty thoughts.

Yup. I totally got this.

100 percent.

The shrill cry of the alarm woke Lincoln Loud at 6:45, and like every morning, it scared him half to death. He wasn't a particularly heavy sleeper, and the obnoxious, high pitched scream was enough to make him jump a foot. One day, he swore, he'd hit the ceiling and break his neck.

He shut the alarm off with a groan and rolled over toward the wall, snuggling deeper into the blankets, his erection pushing painfully against the mattress. Oh, hey there, morning wood, I didn't know you were there. Well...he didn't know but he figured; every day recently he woke up with it, and the funny thing was, he didn't have that many sexy dreams. Some, sure, but not every single night, at least not that he knew of. The boners just...happened. Sex dream? Boner. Terrifying nightmare? Boner. Nothing at all? Boner. Of course, that was a fact of life now. Cliff jumps into your lap? Boner. Your thing brushes the inside of your jeans? Boner. You and everyone you love dies in a fiery car accident and then the world flips over and crashes into the sun? Sprung af, fam. Really, it was ridiculous.

Then there were the boners that made sense. The ones he got from Ronnie Anne, Cristina, Mrs. Johnson, that old lady down the street (once!), Luna's friend Sam, Carol Pingrey, Lori's friend Becky. Those weren't so bad, but at least with morning wood he was in the privacy of his own room. The other boners happened in not so private places. He would glance at Ronnie Anne in class and imagine kissing her or playing with her hair, and the next thing he knew, he was splitting his jeans in half and squirming in his seat, praying to God, Allah, and Poseidon for it to go down before he had to get up. Sometimes it did...and sometimes it didn't, so he'd have to bend over and cover his crotch with a book or a folder. It was in those moments, as he shuffled through the hall like a stooped old man, a flimsy math workbook pressed to his junk, that he realized just what a perve he really was. No one else does this...no one else pops random wood for no reason all, just me, Lincoln Loud, the pervert.

Whatever, there are worse things to be than a pervert. Like a vegetarian...or a millennial.

He started to drift back to sleep, but snapped himself awake. Nope, can't do that, because if I do, I'm going to oversleep and have to rush to get ready for school, and probably miss breakfast. No, thank you.

Sighing, he tossed the covers off and got out of bed, his knees shaky and barely able to support him. A wave of dizziness crashed over him, and he fell, smashing his shoulder into the dresser on the way to his knees. Hot pain exploded in his brain. Ahhhhhhh, damn it! You never know how tired you really are until you go to stand up. Apparently, right now he was too tired to exist.

Hissing through clenched teeth, he rubbed his shoulder. Jeez Louise, that hurt. Way to start your day off on the right foot, Linc, get it?

Now he felt sorry for himself.

Getting to his feet, he shuffled to the door, his eyes gumming over. He stopped when his erection pressed painfully into it. Oh, lovely, you're still here. Perfect.

He couldn't go out there like this; those girls would rip him apart. Now he felt even sorrier for himself. He went to his dresser, took out a pair of jeans, and slipped them on. There was still a bulge, but it wasn't as bad. Oh, well, it would have to do.

Opening his door, he stepped into the hall, the light stinging his eyes; he lifted a hand and turned his head. It was brighter than goddamn Nagasaki out here.

"Uh-oh, here comes Peter Cottontail!" Luan said.

Aaaaaand there it is; he wasn't even two steps outside his door and already they were gonna roast him. He pried his eyes open and saw Luan, Luna, and Lisa waiting in line for the bathroom.

"His head looks like a white feather plume hat," Lisa said.

A what? My head looks like a head, Lise.

"He looks like that dude from A Flock of Seagulls," Luna said.

"With each step it waves back and forth like a flag of surrender," Lisa said. "Which is in keeping with his timid personality."

What were they even talking about?

"You ever see There's Something About Mary?" Luan asked the others as he walked up. Lincoln's eyes, hitherto closed, creaked open. Her cheeks were rosy and her hazel eyes danced with a taunting light. He lips pulled back from her teeth in a sharp grin, the light reflecting off the metal of her braces. She was the picture of mischief.

Lincoln opened his mouth to ask what they were making fun of this time (his eyes? His teeth? His...uh...thing?), but he couldn't work up words, so he just shook his head.

"It looks like it wants a high-five," Luna said. She ducked around Luan and flicked his cowlick. "Up top!"

"Cut it out," he mumbled tiredly.

Luan flicked it too. "Booooiiiing!"

"Come on!" he said, pushing her arm away. "I'm not even awake yet!"

Luan pinched his cheek, and he pulled away. "Did that wake you up?"

"Leave me alone!"

"We better back off, girls," Luna said, "before Lincy starts crying."

Luan grinned and tilted forward. "See you at breakfast," she said.

It was a threat. The breakfast table was where the Loud children did the majority of their taunting. Each morning the target would change. Monday it might be Lana, then Tuesday it would be Lori. Lincoln couldn't complain too much when his turn came around since he gave just as much as he got. Still...being on the menu never felt too good.

The door opened, and Leni came out in a green bathrobe; a white towel was wrapped around her hair. "Bathroom's free," she said, and went into her room. Lincoln waited impatiently for his turn, his bladder bursting the more he woke up. By the time Luan came out, he was holding his crotch and dancing from one foot to the other. Inside, he pissed, washed his hands, and splashed cold water in his face. Back in his room, he threw socks and shoes on, then went downstairs. Before he even hit the dining room he could hear the cruel laughter that accompanied the morning roast. Today, apparently, it was Lisa's turn.

"...Dr. Frankenstein," Lori said as he walked in. Lisa was sitting at the head of the table with narrowed eyes, her cheeks red with anger and her lips quivering.

"Uh, no," Lola said, "Dr. Frankenstein had an experiment that actually worked. She's more like Dr. Frankenfailure."

No punches shall be pulled, Lincoln thought as he went into the kitchen and made himself a bowl of cereal.

"Whose dick did you have to suck to win that Jr. Nobel Prize?" Lori asked.

"I did not perform fillatio in exchange for that award," Lisa said tightly, "you know damn well I won it on my own."

"So it was, like, a clerical mix-up?" Leni asked.

"No," Lisa said.

"It was a fraud," Lucy said. "The other guy was robbed."

Lincoln came in and sat down next to Luan. On her other side, Lynn was grinning malevolently at Lisa. "I have one word for your little win, Lisa. Invalid."

"Go swat a ball," Lisa said.

"Like Lisa swatted a ball to win that prize," Lori said.

"Alright, goddamn it!" Lisa roared, pushing away from the table and jumping up, "I've had enough!"

"Uh-oh," Luna said, "she's gonna throw a temper tantrum."

"Cry like the little four-year-old you are," Lynn said, rubbing her fist to the corner of her eye.

Lisa balled her fists and started to shake.

"She's, like, all red," Leni said. "Someone get her a sippy cup before she overheats."

Everyone laughed, and Lisa shook violently. It looked like she was going to explode.

Lincoln felt kind of bad for her...then he remembered the trash she was talking upstairs and didn't.

"Guys, knock it off," Luan said, "she looks like she's going to poop herself."

"Hey," Lori said, "four-year-olds do have accidents..."

That was it. Lisa leaned forward and screamed. "I'll kill you all!"

Everyone laughed. Lynn pounded the table, Luan slapped her knee, Lori and Leni put their heads together and wept, Luna held her hands to her stomach.

"You can dish it out but you can't take it," Lincoln said.

Lisa whipped her head around. "Fuck you!"

Everyone laughed even harder. "Someone's a potty mouth!" Luna said.

"Put her in timeout, Lori!" Leni said.

Spinning, Lisa shoved her chair over and stormed out, stopping at Lincoln and leaning in, her eyes blazing. "Enjoy your breakfast, you son of a bitch."

She sulked out, and everyone continued laughing.

You know...even though she made fun of him upstairs...she was only four, which was easy to forget. Now Lincoln felt kind of like a dick. "Maybe we took that too far," he said.

Luan rolled her eyes. "And there's Lincoln sermonizing through chipped teeth."

Lori snorted. "Luan...you are literally the last person who should be talking about someone's teeth."

"You could land a plane on those things," Lana said.

"Or a dick," Lynn added.

Luan's face turned red as she realized her plan to turn her sisters on Lincoln had backfired. Lincoln took a bite of cereal and smiled smugly.

"I hear she lands lots of dicks," Luna said. "Who's that fat kid you hang out with, Linc? Poppa Wheelie or some shit? Luan licked his balls in the girls' room."

"I did not!"

Lynn leaned in and squinted her eyes. "Hey, guys, there's pubes stuck in her braces!"

Luan closed her mouth and whipped her head away, bowing over her bowl, her ponytail cracking like a whip.

"I feel so bad for her," Lola said, "settling for fat boys because no other man will touch her." She shivered.

"Can you blame them?" Luna asked. "She's got a mouth like a chainsaw."

Luan's face was red and her eyes were dark, her mouth puckered up in a little expression of misery. Lincoln laid his hand on her shoulder, and she looked up at him. "Hey," he said softly, then grinned, "see you at breakfast."

She pushed him away and he laughed. "Be careful, Linc," Lynn said, "I hear Beaver Girl bites."

"I don't know," Lincoln said, "can she even open her mouth? Those teeth must weigh a ton."

Lynn laughed, and their eyes met behind Luan's back. "Her braces aren't for correction, they're for support!"

"Her back must hurt lugging them around all day."

"Hey, what do you call Luan on her knees?" Lynn asked. "A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker."

Lincoln and Lynn both doubled over with laughter. Sighing angrily, Luan pushed away from the table, got up, and sulked off much like Lisa had, which made them laugh even harder. "Two down," Lincoln said, "who's next?"

"I bet I can make you storm off," Lynn said.

"Pffft, I bet I can make you storm off," Lincoln said.

"Oh, this should be good," Lori said, settling back in her chair.

A tiny smile played across Lynn's freckled face and a malicious light shone in her eyes. "I saw you peeing the other day. Your dick is small."

"Not as small as those zits you call breasts."

"At least my arms don't look like limp noodles."

"At least I'm not a meathead jock who's gonna peak in high school and then spend the rest of her life talking about her glory days while bagging the groceries of more successful classmates."

Lynn blinked. "I'm gonna go pro." Her tone was suddenly serious.

"That's what they all say, sweetie. Trust me: You won't."

The light in her eyes faltered for a second. He was getting to her. Ha!

"Says the geek with no life who reads comic books in his underwear."

"The geek who can make a passing grade without running to his four-year-old sister for help."

Lynn's brow crinkled. "The geek who pines after a girl who doesn't want him. 'Oh, Lincoln, I'm too tough for love.' Meanwhile she's trying to come up with a way to let you down that won't make you cry like a little bitch."

Lincoln flinched, and a chorus of ooooohs erupted from their sisters.

Okay...that hurt. Lincoln had been trying to make Ronnie Anne his official girlfriend for a long time, and every move he made, she evaded. Sometimes he really did wonder if she was trying to let him down easy.

"You know how you say without sports your life is meaningless? Yeah, even with sports it's meaningless."

"Ooooh, shit," Luna said.

Lynn's face darkened and she leaned in, shifting in her seat. "Why don't you go back to your closet, you albino mistake?" Her voice was dangerously low. She was mad. "We never wanted a brother."

That hurt too, even though he knew it wasn't true.

"Dad wanted a son," Lincoln said, "and when he thought he wasn't going to get one, he settled for naming you Lynn Jr. Poor guy. He wasted his name on a girl."

Color crept into Lynn's cheeks. "Dad should have worn a condom, then we wouldn't have you hanging around."

"The best part of you dripped down the crack of Mom's ass and wound up as a stain on the sheet."

"Faggot."

"Dyke."

"White-haired pussy."

"No boy wants you, Lynn, because you look like a boy and smell like one too."

Lynn stood up. "You look like you're about to get your teeth knocked down your throat."

Lincoln stood up too, his heart starting to race and his body feeling shaky. He would never admit it, but he was kind of scared. Lynn hit hard. After the shit she said, though, it was on. He was sure he could get at least one punch in, and he was going to make it count.

"Hey, guys?" Lori asked uncertainly.

"You look like you're about to eat someone's pussy, you fucking lezzie."

Lynn cocked her fist back, but Luna grabbed her and yanked her back. "Fuck you!" Lynn shouted. "Get out of our house! No one wants you here!" Lincoln flipped her off, and she thrashed in Luna's arms.

"Calm down!" Luna yelled.

"No, fuck him!" Lynn roared. She fixed her eyes on Lincoln. "You're a bitch."

Lincoln chuckled. "I might be a bitch, but guess what: I win. You couldn't take it and you cracked. Congratulations on losing."

Lynn sneered.

"Lincoln, shut up and sit down," Lori said. "Lynn, stop being an asshole. And he's right, you lost, get over it."

Lynn pulled away from Luna and threw all her siblings a vicious look. "Fuck all of you."

She grabbed her gym bag from beside her chair and stormed off.

"Three down," Lincoln said loud enough for her to hear.

"Lincoln, shut the fuck up or I'm going to rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings," Lori said.

Lincoln held up a placating hand and went back to his cereal, but inside, he was smiling. You know what? That was actually kind of fun.