Meditations on Awaiting the Sunrise

It is still dark when he wakes, he closes his eyes and tries to see if he can tell the exact time, down to the second if possible but he'll settle for just knowing the hour. He wants to know the time the way he had been able to; up until yesterday anyway. The Doctor concentrates on locating his time sense with such a single minded focus he ends up with a headache before he finally passes it off as a bad job.

Rose is fast asleep beside him and as much as he wants to stay with her, hold her, he needs some fresh air. He needs to get his bearings. He dresses as quickly and quietly as he can, trying not to disturb her. She's been through, well, he doesn't know exactly what she's been through, they didn't get to talk about things in much detail before they both fell asleep last night. The Doctor does know, though, that it's been hard. For both of them. He also knows that it is going to be some time before they are fully recovered from their separation and the ordeals that they have faced alone since. If it is even possible to fully recover and he isn't certain that it is.

He heads down to the beach and tries to brace himself against the biting cold. Everything is different. He feels the elements in a way he never has before and he enjoys the new sensations even whilst he mourns the loss of others. The TARDIS is gone. His time sense is gone. He takes a deep breath trying to stave off his rising panic. This universe is not his home. He wonders if this was how Rose felt when she was first trapped.

'Gingerbread houses.'

He had said that once whilst desperately trying to prevent Rose from deciding she might want to stay and become the daughter of a man who was kind of/sort of/not really at all her father. How cruelly ironic that only a few months later would find her permanently trapped here and doing exactly that. Of course, that indifferent universe that still seems to harbour a truly twisted sense of humour despite its indifference is the one he is most familiar with.

He tries to shake off the dark thoughts and instead focuses on the world around him. The air, the atmosphere, they both taste different, hit the back of his throat in a way that he is unfamiliar with, the smell is just slightly off, then the way they were back in their home universe. The sky is a shade or two off in colour. Or maybe things just seem a bit duller when one has been stripped of their extra senses. At this point, both are perfectly reasonable theories and he has no way of testing either at the moment.

So, maybe this is how things always look and feel to humans. There is so much he needs to learn. So very much he no longer knows. About his new body and his new life and his new universe. He feels truly stupid, foolish, feels it in his bones. It is overwhelming and terrifying and he tries not to think about it. Tries to keep his panic at bay.

And what about Rose? Where does this leave them? What does he really have to offer her now? What can he offer her? He's just another human bloke. Actually, he's not even that, he is less than that. At least every other human bloke understands how to be human. He doesn't even have that. He has no TARDIS so there is no way for him to take her out into the universe and dazzle her.

Maybe that's okay? Maybe she doesn't care about that?

She did kiss him after all, several times. Said she loves him, several times. (He made sure to say it back quickly every time and even managed to say it first a few times.) She slept comfortably cuddled up against him last night and was still sleeping peacefully when he practically fled the room in panic.

There is a chance, just a small one mind, that he is overthinking this. Maybe it won't all fall apart in the light of day. Maybe he can find a way to prove to Rose that he is still worth something even without the TARDIS to help drive the point home.

He looks up at the stars that still remain this close to dawn, relieved to see them all back where they belong, and he feels a pang that he may never travel amongst them again. He shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He needs to focus on what is, not what was, or what most likely may never be again.

He has one life, one human life, and the only thing he knows for certain is that he wants to spend every second of it with Rose. If that means living in London whilst she continues on with her Torchwood career, then that's what he'll do. Happily. He will do anything just so long as she wants him to stay with her.

Secretly, if he's being honest, and what else does he have anymore other than that, he hopes it doesn't mean Torchwood and London. He wants to grab her hand and say, "Run." He wants to travel all over this new earth with her. He wants to see what is the same and wants to experience what has changed but he only wants to do it if she is going to be by his side, holding his hand.

It scares him a little how much he needs her, it has always scared him, but he can no longer deny the truth of it, no longer has the desire or energy to do so. Not after everything fell apart for him so spectacularly after he lost her.

More than that though, he doesn't want to deny it anymore. He wants to be open, vulnerable, honest, in a way that he has never allowed himself before and he wants Rose to feel secure and comfortable enough to do the same. He wants this, this life, with her so badly and despite himself he still has hope. Hope that they will find their way and will maybe get their chance at a happily ever after. He looks at the ocean, at the waves crashing into the shore, and feels oddly comforted.

He doesn't notice the lightness of the sky nor does he hear the footsteps approaching him.

"You scared me," she says once she reaches him.

He jumps at the sound of her voice and turns to see a Rose who is trying to stay calm whilst inside she is clearly falling apart.

"I woke up and you weren't there and suddenly it was Bad Wolf Bay: the Original."

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and he truly is. The last thing he wants to do is hurt her and he has already failed at that on day one.

"Just, please, wake me up or leave a note on the pillow, something. Please don't leave me alone with no idea where you've gone off to."

Guilt causes bile to rise in the back of his throat and he wraps his arms around her tightly, "Never. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't even think."

She holds him just as tightly, "It's okay. I guess we both need to calm down and get used to our new reality."

"Yeah, we do."

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Just thinking. Waiting on the sunrise."

"Oh. Um...what were you thinking about?"

"Honestly, I don't actually think it matters anymore. You know how sometimes thoughts get stuck on a loop in your head?"

"Yeah?"

"That's what happened."

"Does that mean you're feeling better now?"

He smiled, "Rose, I think I felt better the moment you arrived."

She smiled back. Then, "We'll be okay, right? You and me, together, I mean. We will be okay?"

"Rose, I love you. All I want is to be with you."

She smiles, a little brighter this time, "That's all I want too."

He nods, "Okay then. We both want the same thing and that's a very good place to start."

"Yeah, it is." She pauses then, "You've been out here for a long time. Aren't you cold?"

"A bit, yeah."

"C'mon. There's a great little cafe just opening its doors for breakfast."

He gives her arm a gentle tug, "Wait. Just one more second."

"For?"

"Look," he says. Whilst pointing to sky.

Rose stands next to him, holding on to his arm tightly as they watch the sun peek out from behind the clouds. The morning is overcast, it's almost always overcast on Bad Wolf Bay and storms are probably coming later, but the light is there steadily shining through and somehow, it's enough.

Together, as they leave the beach behind and take the first steps into their new life, Rose slips her hand into the Doctor's and laces their fingers together. The Doctor squeezes her hand in response, their old secret language, and knows, with everything that he now is, that everything is going to just fine. Better than fine. Brilliant.