Chapter One: Cops and Teleporters

It was a routine patrol turned mission for Galaxy Police detectives Mihoshi and Kiyone. The Starship Yagami flew through space toward new coordinates and new adventures. Within it the two detectives were having too very different reactions.

'I can't wait to see what this is going to be, Kiyone!' said Mihoshi 'I'll bet it'll be an armed robbery! Or a space hijacking!' The ditzy blonde was beyond excited.

Kiyone looked at her friend with a tired expression. Or more precisely her friend's right hand. 'Mihoshi, what is that?'

'This, oh its a milk shake silly!' said Mihoshi.

'Mihoshi we're not supposed to be eating on the job.' said Kiyone 'Especially not in the cockpit. Do you have any idea how much expensive equipment there is here?'

'Oh, but it's really good.' said Mihoshi defensively.

'Just throw it out Mihoshi, and go wash your hands.' said Kiyone.

'Why?' asked Mihoshi.

'Because you'll get your console all sticky okay.' said Kiyone 'I can't do everything for you.'

It was only once Mihoshi left that Kiyone slumped forward. 'Geez, what am I your mother. Oh well, by the time she gets back we'll be homing in on a new mission. Maybe this will boost my career-'

The two drivers had had a low speed collision. No one had been hurt and both had waited for the officers on duty to arrive. Now they were both whining.

'I was following the speed limit and then this guy careened into me!' the first was saying.

'You liar!' said the second 'You were out of control!'

'Please, calm down both of you.' said Mihoshi 'This is not the answer.'

The bickering continued regardless and Mihoshi's attempts to calm them down were not working. Kiyone stared at her blank notepad, her pen shaking with frustrated rage.

'Will both of you listen!' she snapped and both fell silent. 'Who made the first turn on Mars?'

'This guy!' said the first.

'Uh uh, it was you!' said the second.

Things didn't get much better from there. Both drivers were very firm in the idea that it was all the other ones fault. Eventually after a long time of fruitless working they got the situation remedied and went back home. Kiyone made her way toward the Masaki house, her shoulders slumped with exhaustion and her blue hair hanging down around her face.

'Another day another collision. I am so beat.' said Kiyone.

'We're very exhausted.' said Mihoshi, whose hair was a little frazzled.

They got to the door and opened it. Within they found Tenchi had gotten in just ahead of them. He turned around and smiled at them. 'Oh welcome home.'

'Oh hey Tenchi.' said Kiyone 'Where is everyone else?'

'Well Ryoko is sleeping and Ayeka and Sasami are-' began Tenchi.

'I'm right here, Tenchi.' said Ryoko, the cyan haired space pirate surging down to wrap her arms around the boy. 'Though I wouldn't mind going back to sleep if you were near.'

'What are you doing?' asked Ayeka, the purple haired princess materializing. 'Leave Tenchi alone.'

'Make me, Princess.' said Ryoko.

'Why you… you need to be taught a lesson.' said Ayeka 'This has to be finished!'

'Bring it on!' said Ryoko.

An energe sphere appeared in Ryoko's hands and Ayeka summoned here electro logs. Tenchi sighed and looked up. 'And here we go. Hey, Kiyone, Washu wanted your help with something. She asked me to notify you as soon as you got in.'

'Well I live to serve.' muttered Kiyone as the showdown went on. 'I'll see what she wants.'

Washu's lab was located in subspace and it was never quite the same when Kiyone went there. Sometimes it looked like a luxorious villa, other times like a lab worthy of a mad scientist. The red haired genius was standing by two pads typing busily as Kiyone approached.

'All right Washu, what is it you needed my help with?' asked Kiyone.

'Ah Kiyone,' said Washu, turning around. 'glad you came to help. I need you to test my new device.'

'And you couldn't get Tenchi or Ryoko to do it because?' asked Kiyone.

'I need a normal human for this experiment.' said Washu, before taking out a watch and giving it to her. 'Now put this on.'

'A watch?' asked Kiyone, as she put it on.

'It's insurance, just in case y'know.' said Washu.

'Okay. Now what?' asked Kiyone.

'Now stand right here.' said Washu, motioning to one of the blinking pads. 'What I'm going to do is try to teleport you over to that place over there.'

'Teleport?' asked Kiyone, not liking the idea. 'But… you have tested this thing right?'

'Of course, I used it on Ryo-Oki until Ryoko told me not to anymore.' said Washu 'It is perfectly safe, so long as nothing goes wrong with the process.'

Not liking this one bit, Kiyone nevertheless stood on the pad. Washu began typing again and the room shuddered. Light emenated from the pad around Kiyone's feet.

'Now, initiating process…' said Washu.

And then Mihoshi happened. She bared in and looked over Washu's shoulder. 'Oh hey Washu!'

Used to Mihoshi screwing up her experiments, Washu turned around. 'Mihoshi, get out of here!'

She hit a button she wasn't supposed to. The light increased exponentially.

'Washu, what's going on!' cried Kiyone.

'Ah! She screwed up my calculations!' said Washu 'The coordinates are out of control!'

'Mihoshi I will-' growled Kiyone.

And then she was standing in the middle of a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. There was no way in or out that Kiyone could see. The only civilization she could see were two identical structures, one with red banners the other with blue.

'-get you for this. Where am I?'

The sun was beating down above. There were a few scraggly trees around and the canyon floor was covered in green grass. But otherwise there was no sign of life. Deciding that she should make for shelter, Kiyone began walking towards the blue base.

As she did she raised an audio recorder and spoke:

'Kiyone's log:

I have been teleported to another place entirely during one of Washu's lab experiments. It appears to have similar plant life to Earth, so it may be on the same planet. I've spotted what look like military structures, painted in blue in the distance. I'm on route to investigate-'

'Hey! Asshole! What's with all the noise?!' said a drunken female voice.

Standing on top of the blue base was a figure clad in yellow armor, walking forward in a fashion which suggested inebriation. Kiyone looked at her in surprise for a moment, before getting her bearing. 'I um… oh right. Excuse me, my name is Kiyone Makibi, I'm a detective in the galaxy police-'

'Your a cop?!' said the woman, voice indicating that this was something akin to the antichrist.

'I um…' Kiyone paused 'I'm off duty right now but yes.'

'Shit!' said the woman 'The fuzz is on to us! Church, Tucker, Caboose! Don't tell them anything until you speak to a lawyer! She can't arrest you without reading you your rights!'

'I'm not here to arrest anyone.' said Kiyone.

'Oh yeah?' asked the woman 'Well why are you here if you aren't here to arrest us?! COP!'

'I already told you I'm lost-' she began.

'I'm not talking to you cop!' roared the woman 'I'm not a snitch!'

'Geez, look!' said Kiyone 'I'm not here to interrogate anyone, I just-'

And then a large blue armored figure popped up before her. 'Hello.'

Kiyone reeled backwards in surprise before recovering. Maybe this one would be more reasonable. 'Oh, hello. I'm Kiyone Makibi of the Galaxy Police. I've been transported here from another planet and-'

'Another planet? Are you from command?! Because they never have good news.' he said, his voice distressed. 'Did someone die? Was it Church?! Oh my god it was Church wasn't it?!'

'I'm not from off planet.' said Kiyone. 'Or at least, I might not be. Is this on earth?'

'Oh good. Because Church already died this week.' said Caboose. 'How sad would it be for him to die twice in one week?!' He raised his hand and whispered conspiratorially. 'Psst, I think the new guy did it.'

'I… I don't…' Kiyne began.

'Caboose, what the fuck is going on here?' snapped a new sarcastic voice. A soldier in cobalt armor holding a sniper rifle appeared out of the base. 'I'm in the middle of…' He caughter sight of Kiyon. 'Oh. Tucker is going to have a field day with this.'

'Field day with what?' asked Kiyone, unsure of how to react.

He sighed. 'You'll find out as soon as he gets back from his rock. Anyway, what do you want?'

'Well I was just saying,' said Kiyone 'I'm…' How to put this? 'lost.'

'Where the hell were you headed that you ended up here?' asked the man 'We're not on any trade routes.'

'Well see there was this teleporter accident-' began Kiyone.

'Say no more. Happened to us once.' said the man.

'You have a functioning teleporter?' asked Kiyone, surprised.

'Yeah, it's right over there.' said the man 'But I wouldn't recommend using it.'

'Why not?' asked Kiyone.

He shrugged. 'It doesn't really teleport to any one location.' He glanced to the teleporter. 'And some of the things which go through it come out charred on the other side.'

'Oh. I see.' said Kiyone 'So is this a military operation?'

'Sort of, we're the Blue Team.' said the man 'Assigned to this Blue Base. I'm Leonard L. Church, the leader. The idiot over there is Caboose, and the other idiot is Sister. And the guy who isn't here is Tucker.'

'Right, okay.' said Kiyone 'Could I use your communications array? I need to send a singal-'

'Shut up cop!' roared Sister 'Don't listen to her Church! You have rights!'

'For the last time I'm not interrogating him!' shouted Kiyone.

'COP!' roared back Sister.

At that moment an aqua armored soldier came by, holding a battle rifle. 'Hey Church, I was just by my rock and I saw the Reds-' He locked eyes on Kiyone, and instantly his posture changed. 'Oh, hello there beautiful. Would you like to see my sacred weapon?' He put away his rifle and drew out a sword of light. 'It's a master of penetration. Bow chick bow wow.'

'What?' said Kiyone.

'Hey is your hair natural like that?' asked Tucker 'Or are you just trying to fit the theme. Bow chicka bow wow!'

'What?!' said Kiyone 'Are… are you hitting on me?'

'Hitting on you?' asked Tucker 'With those puppies I think I'm more worried about them hitting me. Bow chicka bow wow.'

'Tucker, shut up man.' said Church.

'So do you wear a push up bra, or are you just naturally firm? Bow chicka bow wow-' Church rifle butted him through one of the teleporters. There was a scream of absolute agony and he appeared halfway across the canyon covered in black stuff. 'Church what the hell man! I was making my moves!'

'Sorry about that.' said Church 'Tucker hasn't seen a woman who wasn't wearing battle armor in years.'

'Are… are these people always like this?' asked Kiyone, at a loss.

'Let me put it this way, officer.' said Church 'Your first impression, is just about the tip of the iceberg.'

'SHUT UP SNITCH!' roared Sister.

This did not bode well.

Authors Note:

Okay, unless I'm mistaken this is the first RVB Tenchi Universe crossover in the history of the world. The general inspiration for this was noting the similarities between Leonard L. Church and Kiyone Makibi, and also noting their differences. Then I had the idea to get them into the same room together and this was the result.

Enjoy.