We all are living in a dream, but life ain't what it seems, oh everything's a mess. And all these sorrows I have seen, they lead me to believe, that everything's a mess. ~ Imagine Dragons, Dream

CHAPTER 5

"Wow, you look like shit."

I can't help but laugh as Christina approaches me. I, of course, am in the training room. I'm surprised to see Christina though. Our next "meeting" isn't until tomorrow.

"What are you doing here?"

"I can't check up on my best friend?" Christina asks with fake innocence.

I laugh and sit down in the middle of the room. We have it to ourselves for the time being. All of the trainees are at lunch. I haven't been able to eat much in the past few days, so I decided to skip it again and enjoy the empty room. "What are you really doing here?" I ask her.

"I just wanted to let you know that if you need anything . . . I'm here," she says softly. Very un-Christina like, but I appreciate the sentiment.

"Thanks. But I don't think there's anything anyone can do."

She sighs. "I know. But just know I'm here, okay?"

I smile at her, already feeling comforted. Even though there really isn't anything she can do, physically, right now it is just nice to know we have people on our side. Especially when we don't even know whom we can and can't trust.

"Okay, now help me up," I sigh. I shouldn't have sat down. Now my muscles are tight and sore and I still have an afternoon of courses to get through.

I am excited for the courses though. Apparently they used some land behind the compound to build some obstacle course to help test the trainees in real-life situations. There are motorized targets, sound effects, and different levels of difficulty to go through. It's almost like a real-life simulation, hopefully without the years of mental scaring those left though.

Christina hops to her feet and holds both of her hands out for me, pulling me up with a swift tug.

"I'm too old for this shit," I mumble, stretching out my back once I'm on my feet again.

"Marlene was showing me these stretches a few weeks ago – oh, this'll be perfect! I'm helping you already!" Christina chuckles. She pulls me over to the padded ring and sits me down in front of her.

"Great, now I won't be able to get up again," I grumble.

"Calm down. This'll help stretch out your muscles."

For the next hour Christina and I go through various poses that actually do make me feel better. I know we look like complete idiots based on the looks I get from the trainees once they return, but I don't care. After an hour of Christina's odd stretches I actually do feel more prepared for the course.

"See, this is why Christina wasn't in charge of training transfers. She could have talked them into anything."

A snort involuntarily escapes me. "Shut up. It helps."

"This'll make her more . . . bendy. You should be thanking me, Tobias."

"Well then, by all means, continue," I open my eyes and glare at Tobias as he motions for us to continue.

Instead, I hop up and smile at Christina as she does the same.

"Told you it would make you feel better! I'm off to pick up Penny. See you two later!" Christina waves to us over her shoulder as she leaves, looking pretty pleased with herself.

"What are you doing here?" I ask Tobias, giving him a quick kiss.

"I'm here for the course," he says, taking my hand and leading me out of the room.

"Have you ever done it?" I ask him as we continue out of the compound and get closer to where the course compound is.

"No. They asked for my input when creating it, what situations would be most beneficial for the trainees, things like that. But I don't know what made the final cut," Tobias shrugs, but I feel like his indifference is faked for my benefit. I heard a few of the trainees talking about it, and apparently the course can get pretty intense.

From what I gathered, there are three levels you can go through, and in order to become a member of the city security you have to pass all three. I don't know what qualifies as passing though.

Tobias and I come to a stop in front of a building much larger than I was imagining. It could probably fit . . . twenty of my old Abnegation homes in it.

"I think the term course implies something . . . smaller. This is . . . I don't know what this is," I mumble, mostly talking to myself, but I think Tobias probably heard me.

"We put it up a few years ago. The trainees really seem to get a lot out of it," Tobias hesitates before continuing. "Some of them have dropped out of the program after going through it. It can be too much for some people, but we want the best protecting our city."

I wonder what too much for a normal person is, compared to what too much is for myself.

"If you get overwhelmed you can stop. Don't push yourself too far."

I give Tobias a small nod. It's been in the back of my mind that the second I'm out in a situation like this I'm just going to break down. I don't think I ever really dealt with any of my experiences from Erudite and the war. I mostly just pushed everything out of my mind and tried to keep it there for the past decade. I know it probably isn't the healthiest way to deal with my issues, but it has worked for me so far.

I had been doing fine until all of this started. It seems like every day now I'm reliving one of my worst memories. It's exhausting.

"I know you're working yourself ragged so you're too tired at night for the nightmares."

Busted.

"It's not just that," I admit. But my body starts to feel too heavy to keep up, so I slump into Tobias. His arm immediately wraps around me, supporting me not only physically, but emotionally as well. We stand there for a moment, before Tobias pulls back and gives me a sweet kiss on my forehead.

He doesn't press me any further. He won't until he can see that I'm open to it. He knows from experience that if he pushes too much, too soon, it'll just lead to a fight.

"C'mon," Tobias tugs me to the small shed-like structure. There are two smaller buildings next to the actual course. One I know to be a control room where the administrators can monitor your progress through the course.

Tobias leads me to a smaller building that I don't think could possibly be large enough to be the control room. He opens the door and I'm met with stacks of weapons and hanging protective vests and padding.

"We don't use paintballs anymore. These are simulated bullets. They won't actually penetrate you, but they will hurt like a bitch. They are also the same weight as an actual bullet so your weapon will look, feel, and sound like an actual gun. Here, put this on," Tobias grabs a protective vest and holds it out for me. I slide my arms through easily.

"This is much more . . . realistic than I thought it was going to be," I admit. I thought it would be a small obstacle course outside, maybe a cardboard target or two to shoot at as I run past. If I need a vest it means not only am I shooting at targets, but there are things shooting at me, too.

"You'll be fine. Even the hardest level wont compare to what you've actually been through."

I sigh, unsure if that should comfort me or not.

Zeke and Uriah approach us as I tie my hair up out of my way, and Tobias zips my vest up.

"You ready for this, Tris?" Uriah asks, an excited smirk on his face.

"Absolutely not," I reply.

"Ah, you'll do great. We'll start out on the easiest level and work our way up."

Uriah has been in charge of the course since it opened. He's still Zeke's second in command in terms of the security force, but I know he loves his time at the training course.

"Okay. Let's go."

~.~.~

My whole body feels like a live wire. It feels like every muscle in my body is vibrating, and I can't calm myself down. I let the cold water of the shower wash over me, hoping it will help calm my body down, but it hasn't worked for the past five minutes.

The course was absolute torture. It was better than simulations in the sense that you're not personally attached to what is going on, as I had been in so many simulations. But it was also real. There were real shots being fired around you, real missions you had to accomplish, real situations that hit too close to home for me.

I'm divergent. I know when I'm in a simulation that nothing that happens will actually have any repercussions on me in real life. That is not the case in this course. After hours in there, you forget you're just in a course. Everything becomes real. Even the sting of the bullets.

I had a protective vest on, so I wasn't shot anywhere on my torso, but I did take a few shots on my arms and legs. They hurt like hell. That's only part of my issue right now though.

I spent five hours in there. Tobias was called away after three. He told me not to stay in too long, but of course I didn't listen. I just can't come down from whatever this is. Adrenaline. Fear. Anxiety.

I.

Can't.

Handle.

This.

A pair of arms wraps around my naked waist and pull me into a warm chest. I know it is meant to be comforting, but I fight against the sudden intrusion. I'm too weak to make any impact though.

"Shh. Its okay. Its okay," Tobias whispers to me, squeezing my convulsing body to his. "Its okay," he repeats.

"I – I'm sorry," I stutter. I don't know what exactly I'm apologizing for. Maybe for what seems like my millionth breakdown in the last week, or maybe for ignoring his warning not to stay in the course for too long.

Tobias turns off the shower and picks me up easily, resting me in his arms. The warmth from his body and his strong arms do little to soothe the violent tremors still coursing through my body. He sets me on the bed, immediately covering my body with his.

He doesn't say anything; he doesn't have to in order to know what my problem is. He just lies with me until I eventually fall into a restless slumber.

~.~.~

Tobias convinces me to take things easy for the next two days. The first day after I went through the course I spend with Drew, cuddled up in our apartment. I felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks. I know, for now, my training is more important, but I don't want to miss out on his childhood too much either. Tobias came home early that night to spend some time with us too. It was as close to normal as we could get for the time being.

The next day I spend the morning with Drew and take him to the daycare in the afternoon so I can get back to some light training. Tobias rescheduled our group meeting for today so I could recover from the course yesterday. So, we're now sitting at the bottom of the Chasm, waiting for our closest friends to arrive.

"Did you hear anything?" I ask Tobias.

"Well, I certainly did," Zeke replies as he approaches us.

We wait a few more minutes for the rest of our group to arrive before we ask Zeke what he knows.

"I've had three guys ask me about my friendship with you two," Zeke points to Tobias and I before continuing. "How often we talk, if we stayed close after the war, that kind of thing."

"Seeing how close you are to us . . . they want you to spy on us," Tobias concludes.

"Exactly. I was pretty vague, told them we were close, but not as close as we were. Figured I could try to turn the tables on them."

"Who was it that approached you?" I ask.

"Three low level security guards. They're nobody important. I'll get you their personnel files, Tobias."

"So, what do we do with this?" Uriah asks.

"We all keep our distance from each other. No one can know we're working together. We'll still be friendly in public situations, but no more visits," Tobias eyes Christina when he says this. "The minute they know we're suspicious our advantage is gone."

"How are you doing?" Lynn asks, looking to me.

"I'm better, thanks," I reply, giving her the best smile I can manage.

"I've been in that course. It's rough going through one level a day, let alone all three at once," Uriah comments.

"There's one more thing," Tobias says, looking at me carefully. "Caleb has finished your fear landscape serum. He had a meeting with all three leaders today. I tried to push it back but . . . everyone is adamant that we put you through it as soon as possible. You'll have to go through your fear landscape tomorrow."

Fuck.

~.~.~

"This was a stupid idea," I grumble as Tobias and I walk toward the fear landscape room the next day.

"Yes, it was," Tobias agrees. He's tried to be as comforting and supportive as he can, but neither of us is looking forward to this. Tobias didn't want me going through it before we knew that Grey might be in on . . . whatever is happening. Now he'll have all of the same divergent information we will. But there's no way around it now.

"You'll be fine though," Tobias says. He pulls me to a secluded corner, just a few feet away from the door to the room we're headed to. He presses the length of his body as close as possible against mine. One of his hands cups my cheek, and the other wraps around my waist, pulling me impossibly closer to him. "You're the bravest woman I've ever known. I love you."

My eyes well up, and a few tears spill out of them before I can help it. "I love you," I whisper.

Our moment is broken when we hear a crowd approaching. We separate and look down the hall and see Hector approaching with a group of both trainees and officers behind him. He may not be in our circle, but I know he knows something is up. He gives us a sad glance as he approaches.

"Grey told me to bring these guys up here. Says it'll be a good thing for them to see."

"Of course he did," Tobias grumbles, leading me into the fear landscape room.

Seeing the group of people in the room makes me furious. This is not what I agreed to, but I know better than to bring it up to Grey. We can't give him any reason to doubt us.

Tobias leads me to the all too familiar chair. I lay back, resting my head against the uncomfortable leather, and watch as Caleb talks to Tobias. My heart rate picks up when I see him hand Tobias a syringe.

Tobias approaches me then, syringe in hand. His eyes, his usually comforting and playful blue eyes, are dark and sad and torn. He stands next to me for a moment and squeezes my hand. He knows there is nothing he could say to comfort me right now.

"Be brave, Tris," he whispers before sticking the needle in my neck.

~.~.~

It's dark.

Not pitch black, there is a hint of moonlight coming from above, but thick clouds cover it for the most part. I start walking, unsure of what else I could really do, when I hear a slight fluttering above me. Then, a small black crow perches on my shoulder.

It must be a baby. I doubt it weighs more than five pounds. I look at the little guy on my shoulder and actually crack a smile. He's pretty cute. I reach up to stroke his feathers, when a deafening screech sounds in the field.

It is too dark to see the swarm of crows coming at me, but I know they're there. I start to run, even though I know it's useless. They reach me and immediately start pecking at my exposed flesh, ripping any clothing that gets in their way.

My instinct is to fight. To get them off of me and try to keep running, but I know. I know that won't work.

So I stop.

I lie down.

And I breathe.

Then the ground disappears beneath me.

I fall for a few short seconds before I land in a small puddle of water, surrounded by darkness. I can feel the water start to rise at my ankles, quickly making its way up toward my knees. I look around, remembering the glass box I easily broke last time I was in my fear landscape. My hands search around me, but are only met with the water that has now risen to my stomach.

I search for a few more seconds before I decide to forget everything about my old fear landscape. I focus on taking deep breaths, but then there is a loud woosh and walls close in on me, causing the water surrounding me to now be well over my head. I don't think; I just swim.

I swim up as fast as I can, because there is no top to this box. My lungs burn and my arms get weak, but when I look up I can see the end of the water. I push myself a little bit further, but the second I reach the top the box shatters and I'm falling again.

I don't end up in the same room though.

I'm at Erudite.

Lying on the floor, gasping for breath, I look around at the all too familiar room. The cot in the corner, the crisp white walls, everything is exactly the same.

The door opens and Peter enters.

"Fucking Peter," I grumble, annoyed to see him even in my landscape.

He grabs my arm roughly and pulls me out of the room. I'm led through Erudite, but I don't see any Dauntless Traitors like I did when this actually happened. It makes me uneasy.

I try to squirm out of Peter's grasp, but he's too strong. I use his distraction with my squirming to quickly reach around him and grab his gun. I don't hesitate to put a bullet through his head.

I start to run, but the first door I get through is filled with blue. Hundreds of Erudite standing in front of me, every one of them holding syringe filled with death serum.

I just start shooting. But after the first shot is off I'm no longer at Erudite. I'm in the Dauntless training room, surrounded by my initiate class.

There is a target across from me, directly where I was shooting the group of Erudite. Instead of a cluster of holes around the center, as I've been able to do for nearly fifteen years, there isn't a single shot that made the target.

"Pathetic, Stiff," I hear a familiar voice say next to me. I look over and see Tobias. Eighteen-year-old Tobias!

Even though I'm in my landscape, and even though I know he's not real, I can't help but smile at him.

"You won't be smiling when you've got a bullet in your head because you can't aim, Stiff."

"We should just cut her now, she's never going to make it."

"Don't know why they even let Stiff's transfer to Dauntless. What a waste."

"Just . . . get rid of her, Four."

Insults come at me from every direction. From Tobias. From Peter. Even from Christina. But it is Peter who eventually acts. He wraps a beefy arm around my neck and lifts me off of the ground.

I have the gun that was empty after my target practice still in my hand. I press it against Peter's temple behind me, close my eyes, and shoot.

The room is dark again.

Tobias and Drew sit in front of me, both blindfolded. The weight of something in my hand catches my attention, and I look down to see a belt in it. Then the screaming starts.

I don't know where it is coming from, but a mans voice invades my head. Telling me I have to hurt my husband or my son. Over and over.

I don't move.

I drop the belt.

Then I feel the sting of leather on my cheek.

My eyes snap open and I'm panting on the fear landscape chair, surrounded by silence.

I sit up, clutching my stomach as I try to catch my breath. Tobias approaches me, slowly and with his hands up, like I'm afraid he'll hurt me.

"It's okay. You're done," he tells me.

I slide out of the chair, and my legs nearly give out. Tobias catches me.

"Tris," Tobias breathes out. "That only took you three minutes."

A/N: I'm so sorry I couldn't post this earlier. I wanted to because I got a good amount of reviews on the last chapter, but I just didn't have it finished. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I hope you enjoy this early update!

How about this: If a chapter gets 7 reviews, I'll update the next as soon as I have it finished. If not, I'll stick to once a week. Deal? – DR13