How We Hurt Each Other

Bringing up both hands Castle scrubbed them across his forehead and asked himself for the millionth time: Why? Why couldn't he just let her go? Caskett Angst post The Limey

A/N: This was a prompt fill from Lou & Anja on twitter

"Oh! What's this…?"

Richard Castle lifted his gaze from his cell phone so he could look over at his partner. Her hazel eyes focused on her computer screen and she used her right hand to swirl her mouse over the desk's surface. She clamped her top teeth down on her bottom lip in that way that made his heart flutter—well, used to make his heart flutter. Now he merely studied her expression for interpretation of what she was looking at.

"Is it the warrant?"

Her eyes grazed across the screen for another moment before her expression fell flat. "Oh…no. It's something else; no warrant yet."

Castle grunted in acknowledgement before turning back to his cell phone. A slight smile crossed his face when he saw he had a message from Rebecca, his lady-friend of the moment. When speaking over the phone the night before she told him she was pretty sure she would be able to clear her afternoon, but wasn't certain and would let him know in the morning. The message she sent him confirmed she was able to move all her appointments so they were free to spend the afternoon together after meeting for lunch. Castle quickly tapped back a reply, smiling as he did so.

Two and a half weeks earlier Castle had run into Rebecca Sommerfeld quite literally at a midtown coffee shop. She had bumped into the back of him while he was waiting in line and quickly apologized for the intrusion. Upon discovering she'd significantly scuffed his shoe, she volunteered to pay for his drink. He insisted that was unnecessary, and since he found her auburn hair and dimpled smile quite attractive, he'd instead purchased hers. They chatted as they waited and he discovered she worked in real estate and had never once read a mystery novel. Despite this, he was intrigued by her, particularly after she pressed her business card into his palm with a flirtatious smile.

Given how uncertain his romantic life was at that moment, he didn't intend to call her, but then, as if fate's ear was listening, a conversation he had with Kate the following day changed his mind, and he'd set a dinner date with Rebecca for later that week and they'd seen each other several times since. Rebecca was sweet and fun, perhaps a bit young for him as she was only twenty-nine, but she was also savvy and driven, which he liked. Most importantly: she was uncomplicated and that was exactly what he needed in that moment.

Slipping his phone into his pants pocket, Castle said, "Well unfortunately I guess that means Ryan or Espo will have to tag along with you for the arrest."

His partner gazed over at him with a raised brow. "You won't be back after lunch?"

"No—Rebecca and I are spending the afternoon together."

"Oh."

"Sorry, I thought I made it clear I wouldn't be back. We're actually going to-"

"It's okay, Castle; you don't have to tell me about your date," she told him in a tone that made it clear she had no interest in hearing about it—not that he blamed her, exactly. He didn't suppose he would have either if their situations were reversed. Actually, as he thought about it, he still wouldn't have wanted to hear about it in that moment even while he was attempting to move on.

"Okay. Well, uh, text me if you break the guy, okay?"

"Sure," she said, not looking away from her computer screen.

Castle stood and grabbed his blazer off the back of his chair. He was just draping it over his arm when he heard, "Hey—heading out?"

He smiled at Ryan, who approached from the side hall. "Yep. Afternoon date."

The detective smiled and nodded. "You'll have to bring her around sometime, Castle; if she's this incredible, we definitely want to meet her."

Castle gave a small smile, appreciating the man's gesture. Of those that were aware, Ryan had seemed the most visibly upset by his announcement that he was interested in dating a new woman. Though it was unspoken, Castle believed both Ryan and Esposito simply assumed he and Kate would ultimately become a couple—as had he. Ryan had hesitantly asked if that was what Castle really wanted and made a few other such comments, but Castle was glad Ryan was coming around and once again supporting him as a friend. "Yeah, sure—sometime. I'll catch you guys later."

After waving goodbye to Espo, Castle moved towards the elevator, pulling on his blazer as he walked. Just beyond the breakroom, he spotted LT approaching and the two exchanged pleasantries for almost two minutes. When Castle turned back towards the elevator, he noticed a particular figure bustling through the congested area and darting around a conversing duo of officers. He turned his head, watching Kate as she went. Just as she pushed her way into the stairwell, he could see the glimmer of tears on her cheeks.

Shit.

For fifteen seconds, he remained frozen, watching the stairwell door as it drifted shut. He debated whether or not he should turn and go after her, but then decided against it. Kate Beckett's emotions were no longer of concern to him.

Castle strolled confidently up to the elevators and reached out for the call button. His thumb brushed the cool metal edge of the button and he rested his pad on the surface for two seconds, before pulling it back with another curse under his breath. Bringing up both hands he scrubbed them across his forehead and asked himself for the millionth time: Why? Why couldn't he just let her go?

His head—his brain—was furious with her. She lied to him for months, keeping up a charade of epic and ultimately disastrous proportions. Instead of finally coming clean, she'd dodged him with excuses, clearly flirted with another man in front of him, and then ultimately made the decision to unceremoniously dismiss their four-year relationship as if it was nothing. His brain was furious with her, but his heart? Well, that was a different story.

Moving out of the way of the elevators, Castle pulled his phone from his pocket and brought up his text message conversation with Rebecca. Sorry, I'm going to be about 15 mins late. I'll see you soon, he said to her. Then, he slipped the device back into his pocket before walking towards the stairwell.

Though the Twelfth Precinct's bullpen had certainly been upgraded with many modern amenities, the age of the building was never more apparent than when in the stairwells. For the most part, they were meant for emergency exits or, unofficially, an on-duty officer sneaking a cigarette on cold or rainy days, and thus were not well traveled or well lit. As such, Castle was only able to spot Kate so quickly in the stairwell because she sat beneath one of the dim, but still functioning lights.

He stepped inside and let the door close behind him, keeping his eyes trained on her. She was on the landing leading to the floor below, seated with her feet flat on the floor, legs pulled close to her chest. Her arms were banded around her shins and her forehead was nestled between her knees. Though he tried to be quiet, he was certain she would have heard the creaking of the door hinges as it shut, which lead him to conclude that she knew he was the one chasing after her, because Kate Beckett certainly would never have let a random colleague watch her fall apart.

Wordlessly, he descended the stairs until his feet reached the landing. There, he gripped onto the handrail and lowered his body until his rear connected with the second stair up. From that position, he could balance his forearms on his thighs and observe her from barely more than a foot away. If she was still crying, she was doing so silently, but he respected her enough still to allow her a few moments to compose herself before they had what his gut told him would be a conversation with significant finality.

As he waited, Castle's mind returned to the last private conversation the two of them had. It was not in a stairwell, but on the sidewalk outside of an alley, where their current victim lay. Her text that morning had been terse and to the point. He'd actually been surprised to hear from her since the communication between them had been lax at best since their case with an agent named Hunt, but she had texted him the address of their vic and he'd dutifully shown up. After their initial rundown from Lanie, she'd pulled him aside and asked, "We're okay, right?" When he'd inquired as to her meaning, she'd stuttered and stammered for several moments before saying, "I just want you to know that I value you as a friend, Castle. Truly. You are one of my best friends and I hope we'll be friends for a long time." His chest already straining with hurt he'd barely been able to mask his bitterness when asking, "Just friends, huh?" to which she replied, "Yeah, Castle; just friends. I think that's best, don't you?" To that, Castle couldn't bring himself to respond.

Sick, he was sick. How could she even say such a thing after their four years together? Four years! She had never said anything aloud—hell, neither had he—but actions spoke so much louder than words. The way she looked at him. They way she'd taken his hand or squeezed his shoulder. It meant something; she meant something, but now after everything she was just tossing him aside, treating him like he was just some random coworker after everything they'd been through.

That was the moment Castle knew for certain he had to move on from Kate Beckett. Even after what he'd overheard two weeks earlier, his heart had waffled, but that moment made him certain. She'd made it obvious she was moving on from him and he needed to do the same, but, god, was it harder than he ever imagined. After all their time together Castle's mind struggled to think of a life without her and so he knew the path to moving on would be a difficult one, filled with many setbacks, but perhaps if he could get some closure, things would be better for them.

"Are you upset because of me?" he asked finally after they'd been sitting in silence for nearly two full minutes.

"No," came her weak reply as she still hid her face between her knees.

"Really?"

Finally lifting her head, she scrubbed her fingers over her damp cheeks and said, "I'm not; I'm fine, Castle."

He shook his head as he very much doubted something catastrophic enough to make her cry happened in the two minute since he walked away from her desk. Seeing as she'd looked fairly devastated the first time he told her he was leaving for a date with Rebecca, his full-afternoon date seemed a likely trigger.

Exasperated with her stubbornness, he responded with, "Really Kate? Does it always have to be lies?"

Her expression flashed with offense. "What does that mean?"

Narrowing his gaze at her, he said, "It means I know you and I can read your face well enough that you can't hide from me. At least…I didn't think you could. Now…this is what you wanted, but if…if it's hurting you…"

His voice drifted off as he pushed himself into a standing position and leaned his back against the stairway railing. Yes, she had hurt him—several times, in fact—but that didn't mean he had to keep hurting her in return. Though in the first few days of the grieving process he'd had moments where he wanted to be vindictive and make sure he heart was broken as well, they quickly passed; he was a better man than that. Perhaps it was naïve to believe he could continue working with her on cases now that they were "just friends." Surely, she knew as well as he that they could never truly be only friends—not after everything. With that proclamation, it was certain their partnership would ultimately have an expiration date, so perhaps maybe it would be best to just end it then, particularly if his blossoming relationship was the source of her pain.

"Would it make it better if I stopped shadowing you all together?"

She clearly bristled at his words, pushed herself up from the floor, and folded her arms over her chest. She walked up two steps and said, "If that's what you want."

"I'm asking what you want."

"I just want you to be happy. That's...that's why I let you go." As she finished, her voice was nearly lost to the echoes of the stairwell and her gaze dipped towards the floor in a very un-Kate-Beckett move.

Castle pursed his lips. "What does that mean?"

She lifted her head and gave it a quick shake. "Nothing."

As she moved to continue walking up the steps, Castle quickly reached out and grabbed onto her closest arm, holding her in place. Tentatively, she gazed over her shoulder at him. "Kate. What did you mean? When did you 'let me go'?"

"I told you we would just be friends so you could move on—officially. I know Burke didn't think-"

"Who's Burke?" he interrupted having never heard that name before.

"My therapist."

He blinked. "Therapist…." She had a therapist—a shrink!? Since when? Furthermore—since when did Kate Beckett talk about her feelings with anyone?

She gave a little shrug and folded her arms over her chest again. "Burke said saying that was just another example of me running, hiding from my feelings, taking what I decide in my mind is the easy way out." She shook head as though she was still conflicted about the notion. "Maybe that's true, but how can I try to face my feelings when I'm hurting you? That's not what I want. I'd never want to hurt you."

His heart feeling further ravaged by the incorrectness of her statement, he instantly said, "But you did. I don't understand, Kate. If this is what you wanted why didn't you say? Why didn't you just tell me right from the beginning that you thought we were better off as just friends?"

"I didn't think that."

He shook his head, realizing that his statement could have been misinterpreted. "Not the beginning-beginning; last fall, on the swings."

"Right—I didn't."

Unable to stop himself, he rolled his eyes and began trudging up the stairs, "Whatever Beckett."

"Hey." She grabbed on to his arm and jogged up three steps so she stood on the one above him. "I didn't," she repeated more forcefully.

His gut clenched with the mixture of betrayal and rage and for one of the firs times ever, he snapped at her. "Stop lying to me, Kate. I'm so damn sick of your lies. Don't you respect me enough to be honest with me? I mean Jesus, it's been four years."

Clearly offended, she dropped her hand from his arm and raised one foot to the step above her. "What are you talking about?"

He shot her a look of disgust before raking his hand back through his hair. "Really Kate? I have to spell it out for you? Fine." He huffed out a breath before looking at her directly. "I heard you—yeah I guess you thought you could continue you're little charade, trying to spare my feelings or whatever. I guess...I guess in your mind you thought what you were doing was right, but it wasn't."

"Rick, what are you talking about?"

Her confusion seemed genuine, but instead of softening the way he felt, it only made Castle feel angrier. "You said you remembered your shooting, Kate. Every second—you said every second—which means that you remember when I-"

"No…" The sound she made was weak and pitiful. It clawed at his heart as it reminded him strongly of the sound Alexis made that time they'd unexpectedly witnessed a stray dog being hit by a car on a Manhattan street. She was nine and had cried for the rest of the day. As Kate was an adult and had been fully in control of her actions, he forced himself not to feel bad for her.

"Sorry," he said without really meaning the word at all, "cat's out of the bag…"

Though a tear dripped from her left eyelid, her voice remained surprisingly strong. "No, Castle, you don't-"

Not interested in listening to another spun tale, he began to ascend the stairs once more. "I have to go. Want me to send Espo in here so you're not alone?"

"No! Wait!" She clawed at his arm and jogged up the stair so she once again stood a level above him. She held his forearm firmly in her grip, forcing him to stay and listen to what she had to say. "I did lie about what I remembered that day, but not for the reason you think. I was…god, Castle I was so overwhelmed by everything that day. So much had happened between Montgomery and my mother's case. I was struggling to process everything. That's not an excuse, I know, but the truth is I…I pretended I hadn't heard you not because I didn't feel the same, but because I did and it terrified me."

Not expecting that confession, Castle leaned his hand heavily against the railing and turned his eyes towards the ground. So that was the truth. Though he struggled in part to believe her after all the lies he'd been fed, he heard the conviction in her voice. Plus, the confession was weighted with too much emotion for her to admit if it wasn't true. Kate Beckett loved him. Well, she had many months ago, but perhaps they'd drifted too far apart; they'd missed their time.

"You felt the same…but now you don't?"

"Now I—" Her voice began to crack so she cleared her throat, swallowed, and then looked at him again. "I want you to be happy and I'm trying to accept that it won't be with me."

Castle felt as though her words had come with a boxing glove to the gut. Kate Beckett was the woman he'd wanted for years—years. She was strong and brave and extraordinary. She had made him want to stop being the responsibility-shirking adult he'd been for so many years and to find a life with purpose; to be better. As such, he knew moving on from her would be the hardest thing he would ever do in his life. He considered himself a fairly intuitive and intelligent man, but with all the facts at hand he could not begin to fathom why she believed the words that came out of her mouth.

His heart rate speeding significantly, he asked, "Why in the world would you think that?"

She blinked and a tear dripped out of each eye. "Because it's true. You've already moved on and I'm glad. You deserve to be happy and I-"

"Stop. Stop." He held up his right hand, palm facing her in utter disbelief as to the conversation they were having. After four years, how could she not know?

"Do you know why I show up here every morning with coffee? Because seeing you smile makes me happy. It's the best part of my day. At least, it always was until a few weeks ago when…" He threw his hands out to the side, struggling with a better descriptor. "Things began to unravel. I don't show up to crime scenes in the middle of the night for fun, Kate. Or for research—I've probably done enough of that to write a Nikki Heat book every year for the rest of my life."

Kate scuffed her shoe against the edge of the step and folded her arms over her chest. "So then why do you do it, Rick?"

He reached out and cupped her chin with his hand so that she would look back at him. When she did, he said, "Because being with you makes me happy; it has since the very beginning. And…and I wouldn't exactly say that I've moved on."

She scoffed and turned her face away to evade his grasp. "Yeah, well two days ago you said Rebecca could be your new muse."

Castle winced as he did specifically remember that moment—and instantly regretted it when he saw the utter betrayal cross her face. "I said that specifically because I was trying to hurt you like you hurt me, and that was wrong; I'm sorry."

She turned back to him, her expression curious, so he continued with, "I do like Rebecca, but in reality…" He shrugged and slipped his hands down into his pants pockets, saying aloud for the first time what he knew in his gut. "I'm just trying to hide from the pain."

"The pain I caused," she concluded.

"The pain that happens when the woman you're in love with friend-zones you that hard," he clarified.

For the first time in weeks Castle saw hope filter into her eyes. "You…you still feel that way about me?"

He tilted his head to the side and gave a helpless little shrug. "Kinda hard to stop." She was, after all, wound up in every part of him; in every fiber of his being. For four years he had lived and breathed Kate and for the first time in almost a month he was beginning to think that would never have to change.

She quirked her lips. "I know the feeling."

A mirthless laugh escaped Castle's lips and he brought his left hand up to use his thumb and index finger to pinch the bridge of his nose. God, they were a mess, weren't they? Finally speaking honestly—at least that was something—but what would happen when they left the stairwell? What would happen when the emotional upheaval of the moment faded away and they were left with reality? Without much thought he said, "You know we might need to schedule an appointment with that shrink of yours for ourselves."

"If that's what it takes," she responded, sounding surprisingly serious. "I just want you to be happy."

He reached out and placed a hand on each of her shoulders asking, "But what would make you happy, Kate?"

He heard her breathe in a shuddered breathe and she blinked twice, causing yet another tear to slip from her left eye. When she finally spoke, though, her voice was confident and affirming. "You."

Castle's heart fluttered as it had so many times in her reflection. A smile began to spread across his face and, after a moment, one crossed hers as well. He reached out his right hand, used his thumb to brush the tear from where it rested on her cheek, and then pulled her face closer to his. He arched his back up enough for him to bring his lips to the center of her forehead, but the kiss was not meant to be brief. Instead, he held her there for almost a minute as her hands steadily rested on his arms. When he pulled back her expression remained bright and he caressed her cheek with his thumb a little more.

Staring into her hazel eyes Castle knew with certainty that moving on from Kate Beckett simply would not be possible for him. Their lives were forever intertwined. Yes, the road ahead of them would certainly be bumpy, but he was willing to make the journey, and he believed she was finally ready as well.

Knowing he needed to end things with Rebecca before they went any further he said, "I have to go, but I'll call you later, okay? And we can…figure this thing out?"

She nodded and said, "Okay, Castle."

"Okay." He echoed. Then, with one more brief kiss to her forehead, he ascended the stairs. Just as his hand reached out for the door handle, he gazed back over his shoulder. She stood on the same step, brushing tears from her cheeks as she faced the wall, but he could tell she wore a grin on her face and it made his heart flutter.

They were going to be okay.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

Prompt: What if Kate had told Castle she just wanted to be friends during the 47 secs arc & then she had to watch him move on