Posting this here is my moment of bravery of the month. I've never written fanfic before but I was having some bad days and needed to unwind, so I decided to write about my favorite show. I hope this is given a chance and someone enjoys reading it as much as I did writing it. Also, my native language is Spanish so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Reviews, good or bad, are welcomed and much appreciated. *Just having fun, I don't own anything*

The warmth of the shower is exactly what the blonde man needed to relieve his tense muscles and release his pent-up stress. The steam of the water looming over him like the shadows of his sins. Luckily the steam would only remain until he opened the door; unluckily, the shadows will remain until… He didn't want to allow his mind to go there. He had a lot of shadows, a lot of demons and he feared some of them would stay with him until the end of his days.

He blew out a slow breath, turned the water off and stood out of the shower. He couldn't see his face in the mirror but he wondered what would stare back at him if he could.

Would it be the scared eyes of a child who had just been forced to shoot his own father? Or the young man that taken odd jobs on top of school to help his mother keep them both afloat?

Would it be the angry look of the man who shot his ex-partner? Or the young detective that threw self-preservation out the window to help a young woman in need?

Would it be the haunted look of a man who abandoned his morals and tortured a blind cleric? Or the terrified face of a lover who committed the same despicable act previously done to him in order to safe a woman who didn't deserve to die in a faraway land?

For all of those acts it could be argued that he didn't have a choice; his hand was forced and he reacted like anyone would. But in the solitude of his shower he allowed reality to set it. Did he really had no other choice? Or had he allowed the darkness to overtake him, choosing the violent and easy way out?

Seven years ago he almost killed his boss when he got his ex-partner (or was it ex-lover?) killed. And less than a year ago he beat up a fellow officer of the law because his current partner (and, this time, certainly lover) was in the same danger of getting killed.

Was this supposed to be his purpose, his destiny, his calling? A superhero with no cape, adding more skeletons to his closet every time a woman closed to him faced danger?

Some of those skeletons were literal, others figurative, but either way, they represented people he had hurt. And he knew that someday his past will completely catch up to him.

He thought he had escaped his father when the bastard went to jail but apparently he would never be free of his influence. Maybe the darkness was hereditary and he was meant to be just a slightly better version of that man, or maybe it was beat into him when he was a child, through every punch, every kick and every insult he had been forced to take at such a young age.

He could stop everything from being taken away from him by adding more skeletons to that closet; but for that he would have to allow the darkness to take over completely. And would life be worth living then? And, ultimately, when he had been given the chance to escape that past forever he again threw self-preservation out the window and decided to help the same woman that posed the biggest threat to the small happiness he had managed to carve for himself.

Maybe if he could turn back time he would make a different decision, would allow the life to blead out of the woman along with his spoken words and desperate confession. Maybe that would have been the better solution and he wouldn't find himself in his current state.

But, when all was said and done, he had made his choices: at 11 when he put an end to his father's years of terror, as a young detective when he finished a corrupt cop and as a senior officer when he chose the love of his life over the sanity and lightness of his mind. All those decisions made him the man he's today, and those paths led him to his current family and the woman that gives meaning to his life, and all those choices sacrificed a lot of lives but also saved many, those definitely worth more than the ones lost.

His soul had stopped being white at the mere age of 11, it stayed a light color of gray until he decided to become a cop and started adding bodies and darkness to that gray. By the time he killed his ex-partner it was already a dark color of gray. And after that day, it turned forever black. Or that he thought; but then he met a team that started adding back some white and other colors into the mix. A room of lasers, two-bullets to the chest and some reopened stitches, a trip to Romania, one to Afghanistan, one to Russia and a final one to Syria, a drill in his mouth, a young boy in Mexico, a Nepali warrior, and just today, a young man with a familiar tendency to ramble, a stopped attack to his country and the cleared name of his lieutenant. All those moments may seem small in comparison but they constantly added light to his darkness and they would forever keep him a nice shade of gray.

Now he could only hope to outrun the shadows for a little while longer. Until they eventually caught up with him, to envelop him forever. One day he will be really free of them, most likely in a coffin or a cell, but until then he was determined to keep moving forward, keep joking and keep laughing, because those are the only ways he knows to keep the demons at bay.

-x-x-x-

The first thing he noticed as soon as he opened the door back to the bedroom, letting the steam out but the demons always in, was the delicious and slightly greasy smell of "Yummy Yummy Heart Attack". He instantly knew what she was doing as those three Fs from the health department had turned into their personal and, very especial, comfort food. That only meant that she knew how much the day's events had affected him and he felt his heart rate increase at the realization. For the majority of his life he had been alone, his mother the only somewhat constant, but generally he was dependent and responsible only for himself. But now, there was someone else, someone who care and relied on him, someone who more than anyone knew the man behind the mask and someone who could read him like a book. It made his heart full, that the woman he cared so much about, cared for him in return. But it also made him nervous. What if someday she got tired of fighting the shadows with him?

He put on some sweatpants and his favorite hoodie, stared at himself in the mirror (not liking what he saw) and stepped into the living room. The sight that welcomed him made his heart jump, and was the last thing he needed to scare the darkness away, at least for this night. She was lying on the sofa, hair still damp from her shower, food already arranged in the small coffee table, and a movie playing in the background.

"Took you long enough," was her way of greeting him.

"Would have finished faster if someone had told me that my ladybird would be waiting for me, food and dinner included."

Her smile made his heart jump again and he wondered not for the first time, and probably not for the last, how did he managed to get so lucky.

"And it's not any food, I got the Drunken Pigs and everything."

He sat next to her, wrapped her arms around her body and kissed her sweetly on the lips, lingering above her mouth for a bit longer and eventually pressing their foreheads together and breathing in her scent. His own way of saying thank you, not only for the dinner, but for everything she had done for him since that day Jason met Tracy at an MMA gym. She was the light among his darkness, the white among his black, and no words would ever truly express how much that meant to him.

They stayed in the same position for the next few minutes, eventually deciding that their food was getting cold. They ate in silence, glancing at each other once in a while, and smiling when the other caught the staring. She seemed like she wanted to say something, but every time the words were close to getting out, they rushed back in.

After all food and beer were consumed they cleaned the table, and went back to the couch to stare at the TV; both still in silence and minds elsewhere. As it had been many times before, most notably on an ice rink some years ago, she was the brave one and decided to address the elephant in the room.

"What happened today?" her look showed only concern and understanding, and love... oh so much love.

"You know what happened today, you were there," he didn't ever looked up, just muttered the words under his breath.

"The only thing I know is you sent me a text about a meeting in the boatshed and the next thing I know Eric is showing us a video of your truck slamming into a patrol car with your lieutenant, who at the time happened to be a suspect for murder, sitting in the passenger side."

"I'm sorry, everything happened so fast and there was no time to explain;" she hated his uncertain and scared look, and wished he knew she wasn't judging him.

"I know baby, I just want to understand, I'm not blaming you," she was quick to reassure him and based on the sad look on his face he wasn't really getting her point.

"But it is all my fault," again the words were muttered under his breath as he continued to avoid looking her directly in the eyes.

"Baby, look at me," he ignored her request so she just grabbed his hands, pulling his body to hers, holding him close. Sometimes actions spoke a lot more than words.

"Thank you…"

She didn't know what to say, how to help him, she wanted to reassure him, and if she was honest to herself she also needed him to reassure her. Nearly three years ago, they have both agreed to go "All in" and right now they both needed the reminder.

"I don't blame you, and I don't judge you, I just need you to understand and remember what we agreed to three years ago in that ice rink."

"All in," he said, with his head still on her shoulder, and now with this eyes closed.

"All in," she repeated, as strongly and confidently as she did all those years ago, when a simple thing turned into the greatest thing in both their lives.

Two broken individuals who found peace and acceptance in each other; whose jagged pieces and darkened corners formed the perfect puzzle… The perfect picture.

"When I met with Whiting in the boatshed this morning, she showed me the video of Bates and asked for my help in bringing him in," he volunteered this time on his own.

"And you just accepted?" She sensed there was more to the story but didn't want to press him too much, this was not an interrogation, just two lovers having an honest conversation.

"Well, she might have mentioned my confession…"

"Deeks, tell me what happened, we promised no more secrets," she pushed a bit harder, knowing him well; thus, being sure he wouldn't offer the whole truth on his own.

"She said she would tell everyone about Boyle if I declined to help…" she was about to cut him off, with what looked like a less than pleasant remark so he quickly continued "…but at the end of the day we met again at the boatshed, she said I did good work today and that she liked me."

"Are you looking for validation now from the same detective that arrested you twice, and is currently blackmailing you?" She was starting to get pissed off, and an angry Kensi was a force to be reckoned with.

"That's not what I meant Kensalina, I don't think she wants to burn me, at the very least she respects my work and what I do for the force," he tried to explain, without letting too much hope overtake him as he wasn't completely sure of his own words.

"So is it over?" she asked hesitantly.

"It is for now… She said she wished she could promise this was the end of it, but that she couldn't, she asked for me to understand, and, honestly, I do."

"So this can go on forever? What if her next request really puts you in danger, and what if you're on your own for it? Today we were there, but what if the next time we are not." Her level of concern was increasing now as she imagined Deeks working again for the LAPD, and without her or the boys for backup.

"Kens… we put ourselves in danger every day, it's the nature of our jobs and the life we chose," he wished he could reassure her more, but the reality was that their lives would always be in danger for as long as they continued in law enforcement, and maybe afterwards too, as they all have accumulated a lot of enemies over the years.

"How can you be so okay with this?" She figured he wasn't and was only saying those things for her so she tried to push him to be honest for both their sakes.

"It's not a lie that we put ourselves in danger every day, it is the life we chose when we said our oaths and entered the world of law enforcement… Everyday people shot at us, we are caught in explosions, we face the worst humanity has to offer, and we put our lives on the line for those who can't do it for themselves. If whatever Whiting asks next, puts myself in danger, it wouldn't be any different than what we face every day at NCIS. Yes, maybe I won't have you at my side, or the guys covering our backs, or the Wonder Twins as our brains, but that's the price I have to pay for the mistakes of my past… And at least I'm being allowed to pay it on the outside, and with our future still open to our own choices. I could be living in the inside of a cell, so it could really be worse…" He wanted to say more, wanted to promise that everything would be alright, but sadly he couldn't, so he decided to stick to the truth. Because he truly believed what was happening now was the way the world had of charging him for the mistakes of his past and the times he had allowed the darkness to take over.

She wanted to point something out, to signal the flaw in his explanation, but he made a compelling argument and she found herself speechless.

They returned to their previous position, foreheads resting together, holding each other like they had done in the past, during both their darkest times, after an unfortunate encounter with a Russian and an equally nightmarish experience in an Afghan cave. And just like on those occasions the darkness would pass, and the day would bright shiner tomorrow. That as long as they stayed together, always continuing to hold each other.

"You are right," she said after a while, "and whatever happens next, we will face it together."

He smiled and thanked whoever was listening for the amazing woman at his side.

"Let's go to bed baby, tomorrow will be another long day of saving the planet and the only certainty we have if we will do it together," he stood up, pulling her along with him, they turned ther TV off and went into their bedroom.

When the door closed all the shadows were not pushed back, they still lurked in the darkest corners of their minds; but together they would and could face anything. He thought the current situation was his cross to bear, the punishment he deserved for his past sins. And maybe he was right, because the world, apparently, had an ironic way or working, and no matter all the good you did, your past mistakes will still catch up to you, and the times you saved the world wouldn't balance the times you let your inherent darkness win. For her part, even if he believed he deserved his current predicament, she was determined to never let him go into battle alone. And to, one day, finally make him understand that all in, meant all in, and she would always be there to chase his demons away, because, truthfully, they all had their own demons to fight.

-x-x-x-

The next morning came sooner than either of them wanted and after last night's conversation they both felt emotionally drained.

He woke up earlier than her and, and after putting on some shorts and grabbing his board made his way to his favorite beach for a morning surf. The warm shower and, more importantly, his dinner and conversation with his girlfriend had provided a much-needed relieve. But the ocean would always be his ultimate savior, and today was no different, as the slow rocking of the waves, the salt of the water and the rays of the sun on his face, made him feel at peace for the first time since reading Whiting's text the previous morning.

He only stayed on the water for around 40 minutes as he wanted to get home before his princess woke up. He picked up some coffee and donuts at their favorite bakery and made his way back to their home. By the time he walked to the front door, she was only beginning to stir awake and the first thing she noticed was the coldness of the sheets beside her. But, just then she smelled the coffee and the sweetness of her favorite pastries and quickly made her way into the kitchen.

"Good morning Sunshine," he said with his trademark smile and she was grateful to see him in a better mood. His hair was still wet and she again thanked the gods for the fact they lived in Los Angeles allowing him to escape to the ocean whenever he was nearing his breaking point. A long time ago she had understood that surfing and the water would give him a sense of comfort and security that she never would; at first she tried to compete against it, but then she realized that his relationship with the ocean was personal and, most importantly, it was one of the long-lasting relationships in his life.

He had one day told her the story of how he started surfing when he was a lost child, trying to escape from the abuse of his father and the helplessness he felt at home. At a time when he was constantly pushed down by the man who was meant to protect him, and when we was forced to see the woman that he was supposed to protect beaten down by that same man, the ocean had been his only comfort; and because of that it would always be his ultimate safe place. One that now he constantly shared with her, taking her surfing together, driving along the coast or just simply by telling her stories, and that was the greatest example of his love and devotion for her. The ocean would always be his safe haven, but she would always be his reason for even fighting to make it to that safe haven.

He was not surprised to see her ignoring his words and going straight for the pastries, but he could see the wheels turning in her head and knew she was deep in thought. After she was done devouring three donuts and inhaling her coffee she turned to him with a smile and made her way into his arms, her favorite place in the world. They hugged for a while, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears before making their way together for a shower. After all it was important to save water, or that's the excuse they told themselves.

One hour later, and 35 minutes late for work they quietly walked inside the mission, trying not to draw any attention to themselves. But the knowing smirks of their fellow team members was all indication they needed to realize that their entrance had definitely been noticed.

"Hey Sam, what do you think happened this morning to make our junior partners be late to work?" Callen asked his partner with a full on grin on his face.

Sam was about to respond with an equally teasing remark but quickly changed his mind when he saw the way both junior team members were glowing, and Deeks' trademark smirk as if he was already set with a smartass response, "I don't even want to know G, and I recommend you shouldn't either."

Kensi and Deeks made their way into their respective desks without acknowledging their co-workers but not without throwing each other a last smile and knowing look, both remembering their morning's adventure in the shower.

Callen and Sam didn't notice the look or maybe, smartly, decided to ignore it. They all worked in silence for a while, all trying to catch up on overdue paperwork and more importantly trying to avoid Mosley's wrath. They thought Hetty was harsh, but at least she understood and had their backs against the world; but none of them were prepared to be forced to work under someone like Mosley, especially with no Hetty or Owen to interfere.

When it was close to lunch time and the Wonder Twins were still in their cave, Eric not having interrupted with whatever weird instrument he managed to get his hands on that day, they decided to go have a team lunch at one of their favorite food trucks.

At first Sam wanted to stay and keep working on his paperwork but Callen knowing his brother and aware of how much the man was still struggling with Michelle's death pushed him to go with them, as it had been a while since they had eaten together out of the office.

They took the Challenger to allow Sam his much needed and appreciated feeling of control and 25 minutes later found themselves sitting on a picnic table overlooking the ocean, eating some tacos and enjoying the sea breeze.

"So... Big man how's the boat coming along, could we help somehow?" Deeks asked trying to cheer up the still occasionally sulking team member.

"Thanks brother, I would be moving faster if my lazy ass of a partner would actually help. But every night he just brings beer and ends up distracting me from doing work," Sam mockingly glared at Callen as he said it, both knowing full well that he appreciated the nights of drinking and distraction his partner provided, and understanding that their busy schedule left them feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

"We can always all work on it during the weekend if you want," Kensi added, supporting her boyfriend's offer.

"Thanks Kens, but I'm sure you and surfer boy over here have much better things to do than work on a boat with us," Sam said while ruffling Deeks' disheveled locks.

Deeks instantly pushed Sam's hand away and mumbled something about personal space and inappropriate touching. When Sam didn't stop he said something about how Kensi was the only one allowed to touch him there, and in other places as well, successfully silencing any remark from Sam and discouraging any further contact.

They continued to eat their tacos, drink their sodas and tease each other for the rest of their meal, and for at least that small while it felt like everything was back to normal and the world was properly spinning again.

Once they were back in the car, Callen figured that this was the perfect moment to breach what he knew would become a delicate subject, especially considering the junior team members were sitting in the back and couldn't jump out to avoid the upcoming conversation.

"So Deeks… I've been meaning to ask you…" Deeks breath caught in his throat as he knew what was coming. "…About what happened yesterday, Whiting mentioned an arrangement…" Callen stopped to allow the other man to volunteer information on his own, but was already prepared to push if need be. After all, he still is the leader of the team and he needed to know what was going on with this team members.

Deeks looked at the window, not for the first time wishing that he could more easily escape the confines of the Challenger's back seat. Now he understood why they had insisted on taking only one car, when usually each set of partners just drove their own.

Callen patiently waited for Deeks to respond but when it became evident he wouldn't, the team leader turned around to stare his team member down. Sam joined in the pressure by clearing his throat loudly drawing the younger man's attention back to the car and the present conversation and away from the passing ocean and killer waves.

"Do we really want to have this conversation now?" Deeks still tried to get out of this talk; he first thought of using his trademark humor, but his heart wasn't in it and he was sure the senior team members wouldn't appreciate it.

"We really do," Callen responded without an ounce of hesitance in his voice.

Kensi slipped her hand into Deeks' and squeezed slightly, letting him know that he was not alone and she would have his back, for this conversation and whatever came next.

"It's nothing to worry about…" Deeks tried to be vague about it, but the senior partners continued to stare him down through the rear view mirror.

"Does this have anything to do with the internal affairs investigation you were involved in before?" This time Sam asked the question, and by the tone of his voice and overall demeanor Deeks had the sinking feeling that the older man already knew the answer and was only looking for confirmation. After all, if Kensi was really able to figure it out on her own, what would stop the two most experience operatives of their team to also figure it out.

"Maybe… A little… I can't really talk about it… Classified."

"Don't give us that classified crap man, we're part of the same team, we're supposed to have each other's back no matter what, and h…" Before Sam could continue G interrupted and continued his thoughts as if spoken by the same man, "How can we protect either of you if we don't even know what's going on?"

"Cute, completing each other sentences. What level of bromance is that Kensalina?"

"Deeks…" Sam's voice reminded him of his early days in the team, and he knew he was really pissing off the former Navy Seal.

"Come on brother, we don't have to talk about it. This doesn't involve Kensi or either of you for that matter, not even NCIS. This is my problem, my arrangement and my relationship with the LAPD... ultimately this is my mis…" Deeks stopped abruptly realizing what he was about to say.

He turned again to stare out the window, hoping he was out there in the ocean, riding a sick wave and not in this car being interrogated by his own team. But deep down he understood things were not as they were when he first joined the team. He may still not be an agent, and he wasn't sure if he ever would, but he hadn't been the temp in a long time; he was still like the younger brother they constantly teased, but he also felt respected and appreciated and he knew their questioning came from caring so he decided to keep going with his preceding train of thought.

"This is me paying for my mistakes and the only thing I can promise is that I won't bring any of you down with me."

Callen and Sam stared at each other, both of them silently wondering if the younger man had meant to volunteer so much, because if he had, he just practically confessed to the question they have been asking themselves for the past 2 years.

Callen decided this was the time to be a team leader and sometimes knowing when to let go was exactly what the team leader needed to do. "Okay brother, just know that we are always here for whatever you need, and we both [he said pointed at himself and Sam] hope one day you trust us enough to let us in."

Sam decided to add his two cents as well, but this time addressed the female agent, "Kens, I take it by your silence that you already know what's going on, just know that even though we are two partnerships, we will always be a team of four, six if you count the Wonder Times, and no matter what, we will always have both your backs, just as you both have had ours for many years now." Sam took advantage of the last traffic light before the mission and turned to look Deeks pointedly in the eyes. They silently communicated and for a brief moment both men flashed back to a dirty auto shop, and the chairs they had been tied to. Sam's look told the younger man everything he needed to know and he was sure that if the time came the senior agents would have his back fearlessly, just as his partner always had.

The rest of the drive was made in silence. Both senior partners still thinking how to get the man they now saw as a younger brother to fully trust them, so when the time came, they could truly protect him. The female agent trying to believe in his reassurances and praying to anyone willing to listen that he wouldn't be taken away from her; and for a mistake he made years ago, especially when said mistake came from a noble intention and went towards a worthy cause. And the blonde detective, in that moment, making the decision that sometime soon he would invite the guys for some beers and let them in the whole truth; if they were willing to have his back, they at least deserved to know what they were protecting him from. And, if they then decided they couldn't work with him anymore, or couldn't agree to lie for him, he would silently take it as another part of his punishment. But until that became reality, they would keep adding white to his darkness, and he would just keep feeling infinitely grateful that in NCIS he managed to find the family he always wanted but thought he never deserved...

Maybe I will continue writing other stories, or maybe this will be a one-time thing; anyhow thanks a lot for reading, I hope the journey wasn't too bad and someone got to enjoy it :)