The Mayhem Critic

Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Strkyer bringing you something new for you to enjoy. So, I am a huge movie buff and I've decided to make a parody of the Nostalgia Critic and TheUnusualSuspect, my favorite reviewers. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Sean a.k.a The Mayhem Critic, the reviewer who rips movies a new one and he will be talking about old and new movies and also editorials and talk about TV shows, old and new as well. There will also be countdowns as well. P.S. I do not own anything involved in these reviews, comparisons or countdowns. They belong to their respective creators. But I own the movies that are being reviewed on DVD. Today, for the Critic's first review, he tackles the 1987 science thriller RoboCop. Does it still hold up in thirty years? We'll find out today.

Episode 1: RoboCop (Part I)

In a suburban house in the Ohio area, a young man at the age of 25 enters his kitchen and fixes himself a cup of coffee from his Keurig 2.0 coffee machine while he pours some cat kibble in his cat's dish. The young man enters his office and sits down in front of his desk, his office filled with movie posters and shelves filled with a collection of DVDs with another shelf that has a collection of action figures on it. The young African American male dons a blue jean denim shirt, a Robin t-shirt and glasses as he takes a sip of his coffee before speaking.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one and welcome to our first ever episode. And look, I know how this looks, cyborgs aren't anything new. In 1984, one of the most famous science fiction movies of all time hit our screens and it launched the careers of the human catchprase." Sean said.

(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)

Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Alright, everyone! Chill.

(Sean pushes the clip away)

"Stop it." Sean said. "And the man who made blue pussy popular. Of course, I'm talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron. Everybody remembers The Terminator."

(Clips from The Terminator start playing)

Sean: (Narration) It's science fiction with a little film noir for good measure. It spawned four sequels, and blatant rip-offs since it's release.

"But we're not going to talk about The Terminator. Today, I am going to be talking about RoboCop." Sean said as the poster for the 2014 version of RoboCop pops up next to him as he turns around and notices it. "Uh, not that one. The original."

(The poster for the 1987 version of RoboCop pops up next to Sean as he turns around and smiles in approval.)

"Much better." Sean said, smiling.

(The movie title screen appears as the late Basil Poledouris' RoboCop theme starts playing. Sean narrates while clips of the film start playing)

Sean: (Narrating) Released on July 17th, 1987 and distributed by Orion Pictures, RoboCop took a different approach to the idea of The Terminator and as with The Terminator not many people have heard of RoboCop. Hell, when I was five I have heard of RoboCop and I watched it with my mom. Alright, it was the edited for television version but still I've heard of it before The Terminator. I lied, I've heard of Terminator 2: Judgment Day while I was little. The film was written by Edward Neumier and Michael Miner and it was directed by Paul Verhoeven. If you don't know who Paul Verhoeven is, he's a Dutch director who's films are best known for having explicit graphic violence and sexual content. Films like Spetters, The 4th Man, Flesh + Blood, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Starship Troopers and Hollow Man.

(The poster for Showgirls slides in next to Sean as he pushes it out of the way)

"I'm not ready to talk about the film. We'll talk about it later." Sean said. "But the question still remains, does RoboCop still hold up for thirty years? We'll find out. Let's dive right into RoboCop. He's the future of law enforcement.

Plot:

Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with….

(The Media Break theme plays)

Announcer: This is MediaBreak. You give us three minutes and we'll give you the world.

Sean: (Narrating) It's starts out with MediaBreak, hosted by Casey Wong played by the late Mario Machado and Jesse Perkins played by Leeza Gibbons. And now we get Dick Jones, played by Ronny Cox from Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop II.

Dick Jones (Played by Ronny Cox): Every policeman knows when he joins the force that there are certain inherent risks that come with the territory. Ask any cop, he'll tell you. If you can't stand the heat, you better stay out of the kitchen.

Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to the unofficial crime boss of Old Detroit, Clarence Boddicker played by Kurtwood Smith.

"Who?" The cameraman named Brian said in the background as Sean makes a look.

"Alright, if you don't know who Kurtwood Smith, then you're a dumbass." Sean said, referencing the character Red Foreman from That 70's Show. "He's the dad from That 70's Show. And we see what he's been doing on his spare time, killing cops."

Slimey Lawyer (Played by Gregory Pudevigne): Attempted murder? It's not like he killed someone.

Sergeant Warren Reed (Played by the late character actor Rober DoQui): (Sgt. Reed grabs the lawyer by his coat) Listen, pal! Your client's a crumbag! You're a crumbag! And crumbags see the judge on Monday morning!

"Oops! I've must've been playing the edited for television version. Hold on, let me play the unedited version." Sean said, typing away on his laptop after realizing the bad dubbing of the edited word for "Scumbag".

Sgt. Reed: Listen, pal! Your client's a scumbag! You're a scumbag! And scumbags see the judge on Monday morning!

Officer Alex J. Murphy (Played by Peter Weller): Hi. Uh, Murphy, transferring in from Metro South.

Sean: (Narrating) We then get to meet Alex Murphy, played by Peter Weller, who for all of you Batman fanboys out there, he played the voice of Batman/Bruce Wayne on Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Parts 1 & 2. And he was in the movie Leviathan.

Manson (Played by Edward Edwards): Murphy, huh?

Murphy: Yeah, that's me.

Manson: (Shakes Murphy's hand) Manson.

Sean: (Narrating) Turns out tensions are running pretty high behind the scenes all because of OCP and the working conditions are pretty shitty.

Kaplan (Played by Del Zamora): I'll tell you what we should do, we should strike. Fuck 'em!

(Sgt. Reed enters the locker room as the officers kept quiet.)

Sean: (V/O) Real subtle, stupid.

Sgt. Reed: And I don't want to hear anymore talk about strike. We're not plumbers. We're police officers. And police officers don't strike.

Sean: (Narrating) And in the waiting room, a small fight breaks out.

(Officer Anne Lewis punches a handcuffed suspect in the face three times, knocking him out.)

Sgt. Reed: Lewis. Come here when you're finished fucking around with your suspect.

Sean: (Narrating) And here we meet Officer Anne Lewis, played by Nancy Allen from three Brian DePalma films like Carrie, Blow Out and Dressed to Kill. And the 1989 movie Limit Up. And no, she's not the love interest for the film. Murphy has a wife and son.

Officer Anne Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): I'd better drive until you know your way around.

Murphy: (Enters the driver's side of the police cruiser) I usually drive when I'm breaking in a new partner.

"Apparently, Murphy doesn't care about getting lost at the same time too." Sean said before taking a sip of his coffee.

Sean: (Narrating) In the OCP boardroom, Dick Jones demonstrates something on how to clean up the streets of Detroit and we meet The Old Man, played by the late Dan O'Herlihy.

The Old Man (Played by the late Dan O'Herlihy): Old Detroit has a cancer, the cancer is crime.

Sean: (V/O) Sounds like something that Cobra would say.

Dick Jones: It gives me pleasure to introduce you to the future of law enforcement.

(Jones opens the doors, revealing the ED-209 enforcement droid)

Dick Jones: ED-209.

(ED-209 starts up as the enforcement droid enters the boardroom while the OCP board members move back)

"Okay, screw CGI. But the stop motion animation for ED-209 looks amazing. It makes robots look better. Anyway, time for a demo. We need a volunteer. Uh, any volunteers? Who's gonna be the poor son of a bitch helping us with the demonstration? How about NBC executive Stu Chermack from Seinfeld." Sean asked as a still image of Kinney shows up on screen with the sound of the bell dinging. "Winner, winner! Chicken dinner!"

Sean: (V/O) If you're wondering who I know who Kinney's portrayer is, that's Kevin Page from Seinfeld.

(Kinney, played by Kevin Page (credited as Ken Page) points the gun at ED-209)

ED-209: Please put down your weapon. You now have thirty seconds to comply.

"Hey, I think this demonstration is going to be just…." Sean said until ED-209 malfunctions and starts counting down from five seconds while Kinney tries to move out of the way and hide for cover. "Wait, what? Huh? What the? Why is it?"

ED-209: I am now authorized to use physical force.

(ED-209 fires at Kinney and gruesomely kills him)

"HOLY SHIT!" Sean watches the scene in horror as ED-209 continues to mow Kinney down.

Jacksepticeye: (V/O from Whack Your Boss) Geez, dude. Relax! I think he's dead! Dude, stop!

(One of the OCP scientists pull the plug on ED-209, while The Old Man looks on, much to his disappointment)

Bob Morton (Played by the late Miguel Ferrer): Somebody want to call a goddamn paramedic.

Sean: (V/O) A paramedic? Call a hearse because this motherfucker is stone cold dead! I know that Paul Verhoeven could go crazy with excessive violence in his films, but goddamn!

The Old Man: Dick, I am very disappointed with you.

Dick Jones: I'm sure it's only a glitch. A temporary setback.

"A glitch? A temporary setback?" Sean asked. "Bitch! You call this a glitch?!"

The Old Man: You call this a glitch?!

"Huh?" Sean asked after saying The Old Man's line as his eyes widened in surprise. "How did I know that he was going to say that?"

Sean: (Narration) But this gives Bob Morton, played by the late Miguel Ferrer, the opportunity to introduce his own experimental cyborg design.

Bob Morton: Perhaps you're aware of the RoboCop program developed by myself at security concepts as a contingency against just this sort of thing.

The Old Man: Tell me about your plan, Mr. Morton.

Bob Morton: I'm confident that we can go to prototype within 90 days.

The Old Man: Good, very good.

Donald Johnson (Played by Felton Perry) You better watch your back, Bob. Jones is gonna come looking for you.

Bob Morton: (Scoffs) Fuck Jones. He fumbled the ball and I was there to pick it up.

Donald Johnson: When do we start?

Bob Morton: As soon as some poor schmuck volunteers.

Sean: (V/O) Volunteer, huh? Meanwhile, Murphy and Lewis chase down a gang that went on a full-scale bank heist, and the gang is led by none other than Clarence Boddicker.

Clarence Boddicker (Played by Kurtwood Smith): (He sees that the money is burnt) I don't believe it! You burnt! You burnt the fucking money!

Bobby (Played by stuntman/actor Freddie Hice): I had to blow the door. What do you want?

Clarence Boddicker: (Throws the burnt money at Bobby) It's as good as marked, you asshole! You stupid, stupid asshole!

(A clip from That 70's Show plays)

Red Foreman: Ah! There's the dumbass!

Emil Antonowski (Played by Paul McCrane): Clarence!

Clarence Boddicker: What?! What do you want?!

Emil: We got a cop on our tail.

Sean: (Narration) We then get a pretty normal 80s shootout where no one can hit anything, not even the broad side of the mountain. One of the gang members named Bobby, played by Freddie Hice, gets hit in the leg. So, Clarence decides to use some bigger firepower.

Clarence Boddicker: Can you fly, Bobby?

Bobby: Clarence, no!

(They throw Bobby out of the back of the van as R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly starts playing and ends right after Bobby lands on the windshield of Murphy and Lewis' police cruiser.)

"Sorry, I had to do it." Sean laughs.

Sean: (Narration) Murphy and Lewis follow Boddicker and his gang to their hideout at an abandoned steel mill. Backup is unavailable at this time, so they've decided to go in on their own.

"Well, somebody's been watching too much cop shows." Sean rolled his eyes.

Sean: (Narration) Lewis tries to arrest one of the gang members but gets punched out by him and thrown off of a second story railing while Murphy tries to arrest one of the goons.

(Murphy shoots Dougy, played by Neil Summers, and points his gun at Emil.)

Murphy: Go ahead and do it. Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

Sean: (Narration) Until Murphy gets caught by Boddicker and his gang. Boy, he has an ethnically diverse gang. He has two white guys, an Asian and a black guy. Got to give Clarence some credit. In his gang, there's Emil Antonowski, played by Paul McCrane from Fame and ER, Leon Nash played by Ray Wise from Batman: The Killing Joke, Twin Peaks and Reaper, Joe Cox played by Jesse D. Goins from Scandal and Patriot Games and Steve Minh played by Calvin Jung from Lethal Weapon 4 and you'll probably remember him from a certain commercial from the 1970s.

(A clip from the Calgon commercial starts playing)

Customer: How do you get shirts so clean, Mr. Lee?

Mr. Lee (Played by Calvin Jung): Ancient Chinese secret.

"Uh, does Mrs. Lee know what her husband does in his spare time?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow.

Emil: (Points his shotgun at Murphy) Your ass is mine!

Clarence Boddicker: (Enters) No. Not yet, it ain't. You a good cop, hotshot. (Hits Murphy in the back of the leg with his pump shotgun) Where's your partner? Where's your partner? (Hits Murphy again). I bet that really pisses you off. You probably don't think that I'm a pretty nice guy.

Murphy: Buddy, I think you're slime.

"Shh. Murphy, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up. He's going to kill you." Sean said.

Clarence Boddicker: See, I got this problem. Cops don't like me, so I don't like cops. (Aims his shotgun at Murphy's hand and shoots it off)

(His gang laughs while Murphy gasps in horror)

Clarence Boddicker: Well give the man a hand!

Sean starts clapping his hands as the audience boos at him. "What? What? He said to give him a hand. Oh, wait. Let me lend him a hand." Sean throws a fake hand out and starts laughing. "Oh, man! I am killing!"

Sean: (Narration). Plus, I just love Murphy's reaction to getting his hand blown apart by Clarence. He just gasps in horror. At least Luke Skywalker had a better reaction to losing his hand.

(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back plays, showing Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand with his lightsaber and Luke screams.)

Sean: (V/O) See? And speaking of killing, Clarence's gang starts blasting away at Murphy.

(Murphy screams while getting violently gunned down by Clarence's men while Lewis looks on in shock)

Sean: (V/O) Damn! This guy's gangsta. He just got shredded by a bunch of shotgun shells and he's still standing. To quote Negan from The Walking Dead, "Taking it like a champ!". Until Clarence puts a bullet in his head right before Murphy tells him to suck his nuts.

"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed with his eyes widened in shock. "Imagine if the liquor store gunman from Regarding Henry shot Harrison Ford in the head with that Desert Eagle. Then it would be a pretty short movie.

Sean: (Narration) Lewis pretty much finds Murphy's mangled corpse and a medical emergency unit tries to revive him and we pretty much get some flashbacks in his life.

Jimmy Murphy (Played by Jason Levine): (After watching TJ Lazer and sees his impressive way after firing his laser) Can you do that, dad?

Ellen Murphy (Played by Angie Bolling): I really have to tell you something.

Sean: (Narration) They eventually give up by trying to restart his heart with electric shocks and adrenaline.

Doctor: (V/O) Alright, that's all we can do.

"Uh, I have a quick question. How the hell were they able to use Murphy's brain after taking a bullet to the head? They never explained that." Sean said as he picks up a Desert Eagle from off of his desk. "As most of you probably know, the Desert Eagle is a standardized .50 caliber round. That going through the human head would send most of it from the other side. See? Watch." Sean fires his gun off-screen until the classic head explosion scene from Scanners plays, showing the man's head exploding. "Hoooooooooly shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!"

Sean: (V/O) So after Murphy, well, uh, "dies", we're treated to the birth of RoboCop as we see what the world looks like with his new eyes.

Bob Morton: We get the best of both worlds. The fastest reflex in modern technology has to offer on-board computer assistant memory and a lifetime of on the street law enforcement programming it is my great pleasure to present to you…RoboCop.

(OCP executives applaud after Morton reveals RoboCop)

Bob Morton: Come on. Come on. It's for you.

Donald Johnson: (Applauds) Go Robo.

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to the precinct, where it's a slow night. And OCP decides to move RoboCop into their precinct.

Sgt. Reed: This is bullshit! I take my orders from…..

(Sgt. Reed, the prisoner and other officers see RoboCop enter the building)

Prisoner: What is this shit?

"Well, we're about to find out in part two of my RoboCop review. And now for our commercial break." Sean said, picking up the remote and changing it to a commercial as the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial starts playing until Sean screams in horror and turns off the television.

So, what did you think of part one of the Mayhem Critic's review of RoboCop? I know that this was going to be one long review but I've decided to trim it down to either two or three parts. Or maybe four, depending on how long the review is going to be. After the RoboCop (1987) review, which movie would you like the Mayhem Critic to review next? It would be either a movie from the 70s, 80s, 90s or right now. For the next review, I will be taking a look at either Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, The Last Starfighter or Home Alone. Which one do you pick? I'll see you guys next time. Same Mayhem time, same Mayhem place.