I don't know when I came up with this idea and I'm going to apologize in advance.

Just some mistakes fixed. Also I borrowed a scene from PD.

Still don't own anything.

How long has it been you ask? About two years and after she came to the district that day I've never heard from her again. And don't get me wrong I tried. There wasn't a day that I didn't text or call her but she never answered. Neither did she ever reach out to me so after four months of painful one sided attempts I stopped trying. At first the time between my calls and text got longer and instead of calling her every day I just called two times a week. The same happened with the texts. At some point I must have realized that if she would want to talk to me she would have answered me by now and that the chances were pretty small that she was ever going to. Well actually I realized that way earlier but I couldn't get myself to lose hope because after all she was the one I loved and still love. Love was the reason I fought so hard to get my panic attacks and nightmare under control so I could come back to her hoping she would take me back. If only there wouldn't have been that case that changed it all that made her lose her cool in the interrogation room. If only Lugo wouldn't have come to find her with her gun in the interrogation room this wouldn't have happened. She would have never lost her badge and privilege to be a cop in Chicago. Then Bunny happened once again and she saved her bad excuse of a mother for the hundredth time sacrificing herself in the process.

That night I tried to get a hold of her for about two hours. I left her so many voicemails until it was completely full and those never got an answer either. So I sat there waiting for her to show up even though I knew that she wouldn't. I desperately wanted her to show up so I could pull her aside and tell her that I was getting so close to being better or at least came to a point where I could come back to her.

Each day that passed after that made me ask myself why I never drove to the apartment that night to find her and talk to her or why I waited three days that were filled with not answered texts and calls to ask Voight if he knew what was going on with Erin. When he told me that she took a job with the FBI counter terrorism unit and was relocated to New York I was so unbelievable pissed at the universe for all this crap. Why couldn't we catch a break for once? Why did Abby have to come back and why could she not just have signed the annulment papers all those years ago?

It just always seemed like neither us deserved to be happy. I wished nothing more than for our lives to be normal and that the only abnormalities were due to our job. That wish wasn't granted though because our lives were so majorly screwed and would always be. What I seemed to deserve though was the heart ache that came with her leaving me without so much as one word. You know now that I think about it my wish did come true in the end because after Erin went to work with the FBI I went from kind of living to barely surviving each endless day. How could it not since everything that kept me living and wanting to live was not in Chicago anymore. I wasn't able to see my purpose ever again. The only tiny bit of light that made me get out of bed was the hope that she would talk to me again or even come back after a while.

I kept that light burning deep inside me for almost two years but today it burned out so fast that I didn't even feel myself giving up and I think I lost myself completely right there and then. Sitting here in our once shared apartment that I couldn't give up on I realize that I could have known it all along.

It all started about a week ago on a rainy Friday…

…the day before we had finally closed a case that was so cruel he wasn't sure if those pictures planted in my head by Harold Grant would ever leave me again. The guy had pretended to be injured and made his victims feel pity for him. He targeted young women between 18 and 30 and after they helped him out he invited them to stay for coffee that was laced with drugs that made them paralyzed but they stayed completely conscious. He then mutilated their sex organs with an ice pickle before tying off all their limbs. In the end he would cut them off but not before the drug was out of their system and they were completely aware of what he was doing and felt the pain it was inflicting. I and Voight had been the ones to interrogate him and if it wouldn't have been for the cameras still present in the room we would've done something way more painful to him right there and then to wipe the smug grin of his face.

After those especially cruel few days Hank thought we all deserved to have a long weekend so he dismissed us after we finished our paperwork and told us unless the team would get a big case not to show up till Monday. Those news would've usually bring cheering from at least one of the unit members but after a case like this one there was always a depressing and oddly comforting silence surrounding the bullpen. I wasn't surprised that no one wanted to go for a drink either. It seemed like in the last two years the days the fellow cops went to Molly's decreased steadily. Or maybe they just didn't invite me anymore since I mainly declined every invitation I got. Yeah I wouldn't ask me either I haven't been good company for a long time. The only one who convinced me to go out anymore was my brother. Ironically his love life finally fell in place around the same time mine was trashed into pieces and sucked into a dark hole almost swallowing me too. Will confessed his feelings to Natalie after Noah's party and ever since then they've been so happy and I know that he tries to play it down when he is around me. Sometimes I think he forgets what my job is because he thinks I don't pick up on the small things he tries to avoid talking about or even the way he acts sometimes. Like that one time after they've been a couple for a while and Natalie told him she loves him for the first time he was bursting of happiness and even though he told me he pretended it wasn't a big deal. There were so many times I wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to leave his happy relationship at the doorstep every time he came over or leave it at home when we met up somewhere because this obvious avoiding made it even worse for me. It made me think of all the times I used to tease him about manning up to get Natalie or at least to know how she feels back when my Love was right there beside me. I can't bring myself to tell him though and just play along.

So I drag myself home where I'll probably head straight to the kitchen to get a drink I only drink half before I pass out in front of the TV. Yeah that's how my life has been for the last two years. Every now and then when my alcohol stash runs out and I actually make it to a bar .I purposefully try to avoid those once I could meet anybody I know because those nights are for drinking myself numb and letting myself get picked up by random girls never taking them to my apartment because I could never do that in there with anybody else. I always feel bad the next morning but not because of the killer hangovers I have but because I use those poor girls knowing that it will take me so much longer to be ready for a serious relationship again. I still wait for them to wake up before I leave because I wouldn't just leave that's not who I am.

That night though I find a half full bottle of whiskey and for once I actually finish the glass and go for a second one. I could blame it on the case but I know that there is something else for some reason I have that feeling and I just can't put my finger on it. It worries me that I can't figure it out for fucks sake as a detective I should be able to have control about my feelings and know what they mean. So after desperately trying to pinpoint it I decided I just had to push it to the back of my mind for now. It would come back to me if it was important. That night I wake up sweating like crazy my heart racing and my body shaking uncontrollable. I just knew something was wrong than and I had that feeling again. I looked on my bedside table to look at the time. 3:28 am. I checked my phone maybe that would help me make up what was wrong but I didn't have any notification. So I lay there staring at the ceiling finally calm enough to think straight. What was going on I never once had this feeling before not after I came back from overseas , while I was over there or before that. I didn't matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep that night it wouldn't happen so after one and half hour of tossing and turning I decided to just stay awake. While I was getting out of bed a thought invaded my mind. Will? Maybe something happened to him and that's why I was feeling like that. Without thinking about the time I dialed his number as fast as I could.

"Hello?" With that I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. He sounded ok tired and groggy but fine.

I must've zoned out because the next thing I heard was a slightly aggressive "Jay why the hell are you calling me at 4 in the morning?" I sighed heavily. "Wait are you all right? Did something happen?"

"Are you?" I asked him instead of answering his question.

"Yeah I was peacefully sleeping until my idiot brother thought it's a good idea to wake me up." Will tried half joked and normally I would've countered with something witty but not today which seemed to concern my little brother. "Jay what's going on with you?"

That's what I'm trying to find out I thought to myself.

"Nothing I'm sorry go back to sleep." And with that I disconnected the call.

Thank god Will is ok but if it's not Will why was I feeling like this? He is about the only person I'm close to these days.

I slipped on some running gear and went out. Running always helped me clear my mind even in the darkest hours. For some reason it usually seemed even more effective in the pitch black darkness that was surrounding me at night. The relief wasn't granted me though I couldn't shake that feeling off no matter how fast I was running, how much my lungs were burning, how loud I turned the music that came through the headphones or how hard I pounded my feet on to the ground. I kept on running hoping I would get it out of my system but that didn't happen. That was the reason why I spent my first free days in month drinking in a sketchy bar I've never heard of before and when that feeling was still there after my fifth drink I decided to speed it up a bit and went for tequila.

The weekend was a blur I don't know if I was really sober once but by the time it was Sunday night I forced myself to stop drinking, I had to go back to work tomorrow anyway. At least I could sleep that night thanks to the amount of alcohol I consumed during the last three days.

Monday morning came way too early for my liking and as I was brewing a strong cup of coffee in the kitchen I looked around the apartment. All of a sudden I could feel my heart beat increasing, my palms were sweating like crazy and my hands shaking. A panic attack. Two in three days this hasn't happened in a while and I had to ask myself what was going on. Then there was that feeling again but this time it was so much stronger than it had been and out of nowhere I started sobbing. I sank to the kitchen floor and cried for what felt like hours but in reality were only twenty minutes. When it had finally stopped I felt even worse than I had before but I had to go to work so I got up poured the coffee in a to-go mug and grabbed my keys, badge and gun before I headed to the district.

All day long I felt like I was floating outside of my body it was so hard to concentrate on anything luckily we didn't get a case. We catched up on the piled up paperwork and checked in with CI's. After I got what seemed to be my fourth cup of coffee that day I found myself standing in front of Voight's office.

I had been in autopilot all day long and so my lips moved without me really realizing. What did I say? Next thing I know Voight gave me that look I've gotten so familiar with in the last 24 month. I must've looked like complete shit because instead of giving me on of his usual phrases he let out a big sigh. Then he mentioned for me to close the door and sit down.

"Kid you've to stop doing this to yourself. It's not going to get better if you're not willing it to. " Ah, Erin that's what I must've asked.

"I'm trying." Was all I could muster and we both knew that it was only half true.

"You know I miss her too but I know she isn't coming back anytime soon so you need to move on." When I didn't answer he continued. "If it makes you feel better when I talked to her a few weeks ago she sounded good. She was about to go undercover and wasn't sure when the next time we could talk would be. For all I know she still likes the job."

I expected to feel better but I didn't oddly the knowledge of her being undercover made it worse. Was it because I still felt like I was the only one who could really have her back without making me worried? Maybe but that wasn't all of it. I sat in Hanks office staring out of the window and when I still haven't made a move to leave he sighed again. Maybe I should just tell him. So I did.

"The other night I woke up having a full on panic attack which I haven't had in month and I can't shake this feeling off and I don't know why. It drives me insane not to know where it came from. I called my brother in the middle of the night because I thought something might have happened to him but he was fine. The whole weekend it didn't go away no matter what I did and then this morning I was making coffee and out of freaking nowhere I had another panic attack. Knowing that she is undercover just made it a whole lot worse to be honest and by now I have a suspicion that that feeling has something to do with her. Don't ask me why I can't explain it." I knew I was pleading for whatever it was I wanted but I didn't care.

"You know I make a call, see what I can do but we don't know how deep under she is and you know how it can get so I can't promise anything. I'll let you know what I find out." Who could've known that Hank Voight would ever sympathize with me? Of course I hoped that he would but I think Erin leaving hit him harder than we all thought or he showed. He seemed to have gotten a lot softer around me day by day.

Even though it surprised me I did know why. We were the two people who were closest to her here in Chicago and even though our hurt was on different bases it was kind of the same. Hank missed his, well his daughter because by all means he was definitely the only one that deserved to get the title as her father. I on the other hand had no idea what we were when she left. We weren't a couple anymore even though we never broken up, officially anyways. We weren't friends either because that required for us to talk about something other than work. Partners? No,that had changed too. There was no us anymore only her and me, separately. Her in our once shared apartment going through the consequences of her actions alone even though she shouldn't have to. Me being stuck with those freaking nightmares interrupting the few nights I was actually able to fall asleep even though no freezing feet were tucked under my legs and no weight on my chest were her head used to rest. Her not talking to me for good reason because I just left like all the other people in her life even though I swore to be different. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life right after marrying Abby in the first place. Why did I think Erin couldn't handle my PTSD or that I could handle it better alone? I left her alone after she obviously swallowed her pride and stood over the fact that I had been married all this time without knowing it or ever telling her about that night. I knew how my nightmares could get and I just could stand the fact of hurting her physically but that was BS because in the end I still hurt her in a much worse way.

She could have handled it I know that but I wasn't thinking straight which was also why I didn't realize that I hadn't had a nightmare in the longest time because sharing a bed with her made me feel so at home and at peace like nothing else could ever have. The guilt will probably never let me go because after all I never stopped loving her even when I left her alone in the apartment. I thought I did it to protect her from my demons but I did it because I was afraid. Of what? Whatever would come along with them. What would she think of me once she knew what I did over there in the desert? I was afraid that it would change her view of me but that was ridiculous because she would've known that that wasn't my choice that I had to do it and she would've told me that who I'm is the man she loved. She of all people knows that the past should stay in the past even though we never got that lucky.

She has always been the stronger one of the two of us and I hoped that she would be okay without me. Which she was but that didn't mean that she wasn't hurt and seeing her crying has always been something I couldn't handle. I could've never known how much it would hurt if I was the reason she cried because damn it I wanted to be hit by a bus when I saw her crying in the break room that day. I told her that we shouldn't be tiptoeing around each other at work and telling her about the meetings. I just wanted her to know that I was working on getting back to her and she not being able look me in the eyes broke me. We've never had that problem until I screwed it all up. In the end all of this was my fault because all the things that happened and let her to take the job in New York wouldn't have happened if I was still her partner. Even though I couldn't have changed what Bunny did Erin wouldn't have been on administrative leave. I like to believe that I could've stopped her from taking her gun and shoving it down that scumbag's throat. One thing is for sure she would've been able to talk me down. It doesn't mean that Upton is a less god cop than me or hell Voight would've probably been able to get her out of the room before the chief came but we were always good in calming each other couple or not. Or maybe I couldn't have talked her down but I would've made sure to cover for her. But I wasn't there and failed her once again. After the case with the boy she had to shoot I should've tried harder I knew she was struggling with it. The fact that she actually admitted it was a clear indication and don't think I didn't want to but I was wrapped up in my own head. I felt like I wasn't allowed to comfort her anymore at least not till I had things under control. When Bunny killed her boyfriend and pulled Erin with her I wanted to pull her in my arms and never let her go so badly but I never got the chances to because the next thing I knew was that she left Chicago.

Once Voight and I had a moment alone in the bullpen I saw my opportunity to talk to him about Erin. I was hoping he could tell me how she is since she wasn't responding to any of my attempts of communication.

"Hey Sarge, have you heard from Lindsay?" I prayed he did because it worried me that I hadn't.

"Nope,you?" For god's sake why couldn't I be lucky for once?

"I left her a message. I didn't hear back." That wasn't exactly true I filled her voicemail and send her about 100 texts.

"Probably on assignment." Voight didn't understand though that I haven't heard from her at all since she left two weeks ago. Not that I have told him that. I just didn't understand why she couldn't answer at least one of my texts she wouldn't even have to talk to me. Then a thought crossed my mind.

"She isn't coming back is she?" The moment I've said those words out loud I could see Voight features change and before he even said anything I knew the answer.

"Look, it was time for her to move on. It just was. You need to make peace with it." He should know that that is easy said than done.

I've definitely been not at peace with it. You could say I sort of accepted it but even that took me a long time. I think I might never come to peace with this at least not anytime soon and especially not now after all that happened.

Since that day I just always kept my hopes up I mean she would have to come back eventually right? She would come to visit Voight right? Maybe she did. Maybe she met up with Kim while she was here and I just never knew about it because she told them not to tell me. Not that I could change any of it now but I still wonder if she ever came back.

The last three days have been a blur I don't even know how I got through them since all I seemed to do was spending time in the past. Ever since Voight told me the presence seemed like a world I didn't want to live in.

That night when I got home I found myself checking my phone every five seconds but it never buzzed I must've fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I remember is waking up with a group text from Voight. "Catched a crime scene I need you at the Navy Pier. ASAP." I groaned when I saw that it was only 4:30 am. Once I reached Navy Pier and saw Voight I wanted to ask him if he had heard back from his contact yet so badly but we had a case so I tried to push it aside at least for a little while. It was still early anyway so I wouldn't have been surprised if he was still waiting for an answer. Due to the rather confusing case I was able to at least think about something else than the sinking feeling I had in my stomach. By 10pm we had found a key piece of evidence that lead to the arrest of the woman who was responsible for it all. As soon as I had wrote the last word on my report all my earlier thoughts pushed themselves back to the front of my mind. Since Hank already went home for the day I decided to go to his house. The house I haven't stepped a foot in in over two years. The last time I was here was with her when Voight has invited us or her over for a barbeque and I still remember how nervous I was since we've had never met up with him privately before well at least not alone anyway. Now I was nervous too but for a whole different reason. I was nervous,no let me correct terrified because of that feeling and now I knew it had something to do with her. When I got to Hank's house I set in my car for a while until I could get my body to move and I make its way to the door on which my hand knocked mechanically.

One, Two, Three, Four, Five

That's how many times I knocked I've always liked the number 5. Ever since I was in first grade and we learned how to count I just liked the number 5 without a particular reason. When I counted to calm myself I would always count to five. Over and over again.

The creaking of the door broke me out of my thoughts and I came face to face with Hank. He looked at me for a minute before he stepped inside to let me in the house. As soon as I stepped into the house I turned to my boss.

"Did you hear back from your contact?" I hoping he would've answered my question before I even had to ask.

"I reached out but they told me that they would call back. They haven't though I was about to call again you can go sit in the couch while I make the call. Do you want to drink anything?" One thing I always liked about Voight was that he persisted. I just shock my head and walked over to the couch.

I wasn't able to sit though as the feeling grew stronger with every minute he was in the other room talking on the phone. I paced the length of the living room counting to five attempting to keep myself calm. The longer it took for Voight to end his call the harder it got for me to stay calm. The thought that were implanted in my mind made everything just so much worth. I looked down at my watch and realized he is been talking on the phone for the last twenty –five minutes. This can't be good. What is taking that long? One thing is for sure saying that she is fine just wrapped up in the op shouldn't take that long. I could feel myself hyperventilating so I tried to concentrate on counting again.

One, breath, Two, breath, Three, breath, Four, breath, Five, breath.

When Hank didn't come back for another ten minutes I couldn't wait anymore. Fuck it,I thought and made my way to the kitchen where he had gone to make the call. His back was turned to me and he was standing in front of the window overlooking his backyard. He seemed to have been obvious to me standing in the doorway so I called his name a couple of times. He didn't react and just than I noticed that he wasn't talking on the phone anymore. As I looked around the room I found it laying on the floor on the other side of the room completely smashed. All of this filled me with anxiety worse than I've ever felt before. I've only seen Voight like this twice in the six years I've known him and I knew what it meant.

To be honest I don't remember what happened after that. The next thing I know was waking up on Voight's couch the next morning and I felt like I had drank a gallon of whiskey. Voight appeared in the doorway and by the look he gave me I knew what he had told me last night without him having to say it again. So instead of asking him something I did not want an answer to I asked him if we drank last night. But you know my whishes haven't been granted for a while now so it wasn't surprising that this time was no different. As he answered to all the questions I purposefully tried to avoid.

"No." He simply said as he went to sit in the armchair next to the couch. Just as he opened his mouth again to continue to speak I interrupted him.

"Please don't say it." I plead with him.

"Kid you know that this is not going to help. Do you think I want to talk about this? No,definitely not.I would much rather have her in my arms right now. I'm gonna tell you what happened last night even though you don't want to know right now and believe me when I tell you gonna want to know sooner than later." I wasn't able to look at him as he said the next words because I could feel tears clouding my sight and even though he must've seen me cry last night doesn't mean he had to now. "You had another panic attack. You just fell to the floor sobbing, rocking back and forth I tried to talk to you but you didn't respond to anything and after like forty minutes I called Will because I wasn't sure what to do anymore. You were still panicking and Will couldn't get you to stop or calm down either so he gave you a mild sedative and we moved you to the couch. He had to go into work but he said he would check on you later." That's why I felt like I drank myself dumb.

We were quiet for a couple of moments both just mindlessly looking around the room. It took all my strength to muster up the next question and even though it was extremely hard I knew I had to know. "How did it happen?" I didn't get an answer right away what made me look up. Hank sat there his eyes closed breathing deeply and it was just now that I realized he looked older than usual. He had rings under his swollen eyes and I knew that his eyes would be red from crying. His skin was paler and his hair looked grayer than usual. He seemed to be fighting tears because he,much like me didn't like to vulnerable in front of people.

I found myself wanting to comfort him but I didn't move or say anything Hank probably wouldn't appreciate it. He didn't open his eyes but still started to speak.

"Undercover. She was deep in with an international weapon trafficking ring and they were close to solving the case. The last time she reported back she told them that she has a lead and was going to follow up on it and that she felt like there was more to the story than they originally thought. They hadn't heard from her since but her contact person said she was fine and getting really close. When I called them yesterday they didn't know anything because she was supposed to report back last night. When she didn't and they couldn't make contact they made the bust using the Intel they gathered." He had to swallow before he could continue and I could see that it was really hard for him to say it out loud. "They found her in one of the apartments in the stash house." I could feel my tears falling.

I jumped up and nodded at my boss before I ran out of the house onto the cold streets of Chicago but instead of driving I decided to walk.

I haven't seen Voight since I ran out of his house I just can't get myself to talk to him well let's say talk in general because even when my brother came after his shift I didn't say a word. What was there to say she was gone she will never come back. Words were overrated and unnecessary. All I did was sitting on my couch and staring at the walls of the apartment remembering or trying to remember every little detail about her. What did she smell like? She always smelled like a day at the beach and I never found out what made her smell like that but it was my favorite scent in the world. What was her favorite dish? That's easy and I found out pretty quickly into our partnership that she loved pasta with shrimp scampi. I even tried to teach her how to make it because I was the cook and she perfected it over the years and when we moved in together it became the dish she would make for me and not the other way around. What was her favorite color? She told me once that she didn't have one and I teased her about it because I couldn't understand that so she just looked and me and gave me the best answer. She said that her favorite color always changed and she could never really settle on one but it felt like she truly found her it in my eyes. My favorite thing about her was that whenever she was really concentrated she would have a really cute facial expression. She would scrunch her eyebrows together and it made me want to kiss every inch of her face. I pictured her joking around with the unit and laughing at their dumb jokes her dimples showing full force. I loved those dimples and I used to kiss them whenever we were alone. I haven't gone to work since that day but to be honest I don't think anyone expected me to be there.

Sleep didn't come once in those past days. I probably wouldn't have eaten anything either if my brother wouldn't have made me eat and I felt like a little kid when he waited for me to finish my food before he considered leaving the room or the apartment.

Today Will decided that it was time for me to get off the couch and out of the apartment so he dragged me to the store with him to get groceries. His words were I must've forgotten to buy the last two month because every time he came by my fridge contained nothing but beer. Who should I cook for or buy groceries when for and I was barely at home or hungry for that matter. I let him drag me there anyways hoping he would just stop bothering me.

When I finally got rid of him and I was just relived to be alone again I heard a knock on my door. I tried to ignore it and willed the person in front of the door to leave again so I could continue my mental torture of creating an imaginary list of her favorite things. The knocking didn't stop though.

"Halstead, open the stupid door before I kick it in." I heard my bosses' voice booming from the other side of the door. I had to groan because I knew that he wouldn't go away before I had opened the door and so I pealed myself of the couch and made my way over to the entrance. I opened the door and walked back over to the couch without even looking at Hank.

He followed me inside but didn't sit down he just stood on the other side of the coffee table and looked at me as if he was waiting to speak. I couldn't look at him I rather stared at the wall. He stayed like that for a few minutes neither of us talking and I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my head.

"I wanted to check up on you nobody has heard from you since…" I still could bring myself to look at him because he reminded me of her. Even though he wasn't her biological father she picked up some of his facial expressions and habits. He used to tease her about the fact that she often just grunted instead of giving an answer and that she looked and sounded like Voight when she did.

One more thing for my list it definitely wasn't one of her favorite things but he loved to tease her about it and he loved how she tried to hide it when she found herself doing it. She would've never admitted he was right but he always knew.

The same grunt I just had to think about brought me back to reality.

"Will came by to feed and make sure I still live but you know I might as well be dead."

"Since you decided to bath in self-pity I guess you're not going to come back to work anymore and I'm just going to let you rot here. If you decide you want to pull yourself out of this don't come running to me."

Something inside me just snapped at that. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? I THINK I'M ENTITELED TO GRIEF A LITTLE YOU WOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL IF YOU WEREN'T SO HEARTLESS. I KNOW WE WEREN'T SPEAKING AND SHE HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG BUT I LOVED HER AND I STILL DO BECAUSE WE WERE SO MUCH BETTER TOGETHER THAN WE WERE APART." With that my waterworks broke and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

I felt the couch dipping beside me and a hand found its place on my shoulder. He let me cry for I don't know how long but after a while when I calmed down enough he took his hand away but didn't stand up.

"Kid I know that you're angry and believe me I'm too but I realized that being angry or bathing in pity doesn't help you in any way. I wouldn't like anything more to do one of those things because she was the last person I had left and now I lived longer than both my kids or my wife did. I'm old and alone and the only thing I have left is work which is sad. I had my fair share of tragedy in my live and I hoped that after Camille that I would see my kids grow up and become parents themselves and when it's time they would say goodbye to me. Than Justin rebelled and I lost hope in him for a while but the army helped him grow out of it. He and Olive had Daniel and he was finally back on track I was so proud of him. All of a sudden I only had her. But she had you though I knew I didn't need to worry. When I got her the job in New York I thought you know she might not be here anymore but you can still talk and maybe she would come visit. She didn't come once she was always busy and working." He had to take a break to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat and his tears were falling now no matter how hard he tried to wipe them away. "I know that none of them would want me to drown in grief no matter how much I wished to do just that. I want to grand all of them their last wishes so I get my ass out of bed every morning and go to work to come back to an empty house that will stay like that for a long time. Before bed I think of them and I know that at one point I'll come to join them where ever they might be right now and I focus on knowing that they're watching over me. I try my best not to let the anger get the best of me and not to let it out on other people anymore, to finish my job I have to do here before I can go and see my family again."

We looked up at each other now and I'm sure I never seen Hank so vulnerable before but before I could say anything he held up his hand telling me he wasn't done yet.

"You're still young Jay you have most of your live still in front you and you will destroy yourself when you keep going like this. I know how you feel because this is exactly how I was after Camille died. I don't know if Erin ever told you about this but she was the one taking care of Justin and making sure that I ate and slept. At that time I wasn't very grateful for it when she told me she was just doing what Camille would've wanted her too. I will tell you the same what she told me all those years back. Don't give up on yourself that not what she would want. Grief and take your time but live your life because if not I'll have to kick your ass for her. She believes in you and she will look over you in everything you do so never forget she is there." How can Hank Voight possibly the one who just told me all of this. I wouldn't have believed it if it wouldn't have happened right in front of my eyes. I was speechless for a moment not sure what to say. After a moment of silence we both must've spend in our own thoughts he cleared his throat and began to speak again.

"There was another reason I came here." He pulled an envelope out of his coat and handed it to me. I thought I would fall over when I saw my name written in her handwriting and I would feel the tears forming in my eyes again.

"How?" Is all I can say.

"Her partner from New York flew in the city and she gave her instructions to give this to you but I told her I would take it to you."

"Thank you." I gave him a look and I think he knew that I thanked him for more than just playing courier but for his words and for taking his worry seriously.

The only answer I got was that grunt before he stood up and turned around to look at me one last time.

"I'll leave you alone now. Think about what I told you and just shoot me a text when you know when you're coming back to work." Not one minute later he is out of the door.

I'm still holding the envelope in my hands and it feels like I'm holding a ton of bricks in my hands even though it was feather light. With shaking hands I traced the letters written on the front before I brought up the courage to open it. When I read the first line written on the paper I felt my eyes cloud over with tears and my heart ripping in pieces. I need to read this letter so I closed my eyes and started counting again.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE

I counted until I was calm enough to read the rest of the unbelievable heavy letter resting in my hands.

To my Love,

That you're reading this letter means that I must've been right about my doubts about my latest UC. There was just something about my friend that made me look over my shoulder much more than I liked but there was so much to consider and we couldn't back out after we've come that far. I've been UC so much in the last two years that it got harder to come back every time and I shouldn't be surprised that it came to this. I don't know who gave you this letter but I hope whoever did tell you the news gently. I don't even know if you care enough to read this letter because I treated you like a stranger ever since I've moved to NY. I regret never saying a proper goodbye to you and in general everything about the way I left. I have been such a coward and after not even telling you that I would be leaving for good I could never really muster up the courage to answer one of you texts or calls. I was afraid of what you would say and what you think of me. Even though I never really gave a shit about what other people said about me you were about the only person whose opinion could influence me in any way and you just had to say a word or look at me. So instead of manning up I did what I've always been best in and that was running when it got too hard.

How could you keep up with me for that long when I can't even stand myself most days? One thing is for sure you deserved so much better than me. I know you would disagree with me but it's the truth. I couldn't even say goodbye to you and then I just ignored you. Jay you're the best man I ever met and I hope you will have all the things you want so badly. The two little baby's, the suburban house, German shepherd and retirement in Wisconsin you used to tell me about when I asked you what you want your future to look like. Do you remember that after hard cases when we were cuddled up in bed and I asked you that question you never failed to tell me that it could be our future? I wish it could've been because you're the only person that I would want all of it with but it wasn't meant to be that way. The reason is that somewhere out there is a girl that deserves you so much more and she will be able to fulfill those dreams I'm sure of it.

Since I never got a chance to tell you this in person I will right now because it's really important that you know this. I wasn'tmad at you after what happened with Abby or when you went to stay at Wills place. I might've been upset when I first found out that you were married all those years or married in the first place and never thought about mentioning it but I got over that quickly because I could see you were struggling. I don't know if you know this but when Abby first reached out you started sleepwalking. One night I found you on the balcony sweating like crazy even though of the freezing air that surrounded us. You were just standing there and when I came over and touched your arm your eyes snapped open and you started rambling about me being there wasn't safe. That the rebels would try to find me and use me as a weapon against you and I should leave before they could take me too. I knew you were sleeping even though your eyes were open. After most of my attempts to get you back inside didn't work I took your hand and put it over my heart. You instantly relaxed and I was finally able to get you back inside. We never talked about it after so I have no idea if you know what happened. I was waiting for you to tell me who Abby was and when she showed up it just didn't matter anymore. I really wanted to help you but I understood that you felt like you had to do it on your own because I've always been the master in turning to myself rather than others when I had to deal with my feelings. Which isn't the best way of doing it but that's the way we are. Let me say it again I wasn't mad at you just sad that you thought I couldn't deal with your demons.

I regret that we never found our way back to each other when I was still there and that I made it impossible for us to ever really talk about it after I came to New York.

What I would never regret were the times we spent together because you were my greatest supporter if I deserved it or not. My backup, sometimes the only reason I made it out of bed. You were my Househusband and everyone knew that I wore the pants in our relationship. I won't ask you for forgiveness because I wouldn't have wanted it. It was just very important that you knew all of this.

One last thing I know I'm the last person to ask you for favors but my love please don't lose yourself over this. More importantly please don't give up on yourself. Grieving isn't weak or wrong I don't want you to end up like me after Nadia. I wish for you that you have the great life that you always wanted to. The one I know you deserve. Believe me or not but I got enough happiness from the time we had together that it made all the shit in my life seem less important and that's what you have to remember.

And let me say one more time that I never loved anybody more than I loved you till I took my last breath.

Your Erin

And I cried and cried myself to sleep.