I know I haven't finished off my other stories, but this one has been bugging me for a while.

THESE TWO CHAPTERS ARE PURELY A TESTER.

Because it's about death, dying and funerals, some people may find it offensive, particularly the humor. I've tried to keep things as tasteful as possible in the circumstances available. If people are happy with it, I will continue...most likely at the same rate as my other stories. Sorry! *ducks down*

BUT, if people find this story offensive, I will simply pull the plug and keep it for my personal collection. Let me know what you think.

"It was a lovely funeral, Hiccup. Thank you for everything you've done. I know dad would have been pleased."

Hiccup stood by the double doors of the chapel, dressed in his black suit with the red tie and smiled at his client, a young woman aged in her late twenties.

"I'm glad it went well for you, Miss Peters," he told her somberly.

She gave him a coy smile. "Please...call me Carol. I feel like we're practically best friends, the amount of time we've spent together." She rested her hand on his upper arm.

Hiccup kept his smile polite, but his posture stiffened a little. "Thank you...Carol. I appreciate your comment. And if you need anything further, you're welcome to give us a call," he replied, although his tone was still formal.

"You can come to the wake with us," she invited with a teasing grin. "I'll be waiting for you."

Hiccup gave a stiff nod. "Thank you for the offer, but I'm afraid I must decline."

"Oh well then..." she slipped a note into his breast pocket, then patted it. "A little something in case you change your mind."

She turned and left, deliberately swaying her hips in the tight fitting black dress she was wearing.

Hiccup forced the smile to stay on his lips until she had walked far enough away, then quickly closed the glass doors, making sure they were locked tight.

"Phew!"

"Is it safe to come in?" came another voice.

Hiccup turned towards the stocky black haired man, who had barged in through the side door. "Well, if it wasn't, then it would be too late, wouldn't it?" he said with a shake of his head.

Snotlout waved his hand dismissively. "Ngh…no skin off my back."

Blonde twins waltzed in behind Snotlout. "No skin on your back? Cool! Can I look?" asked Tuffnut eagerly, grasping at the buff man's shirt.

Snotlout pulled himself out of the male twin's grip. "Hey! Leave my shirt alone. I've got plenty of skin. None of it is for you."

"Then why did you say you had no skin?" asked Ruffnut, screwing up her face in confusion.

"It's a saying…alright, a saying. It's not real," huffed Snotlout in irritation.

"Guys….can we focus here?" said Hiccup, indicating the untidy room with flower petals strewn all over the floor, and the chairs out of alignment.

"Oh right…the party's over and now it's time for cleanup," remembered Tuff.

Hiccup raised an eyebrow. "I hardly think a funeral qualifies as a party."

"Why not? A party is a gathering of family and friends where there's music and food, is it not? You played some music. And aren't they all gathered where the food is right now?" asked Tuff.

Hiccup opened his mouth to reply, then thought better of it. "Can't argue with that, I suppose."

"Nope."

Ruffnut was already sucking up rose petals with the vacuum, while Snotlout was readying the casket to push it through the hidden doors behind the curtains. He picked up the flower arrangement from off the coffin and shook it, so all the loose petals scattered all over the floor…right where Ruff had just finished vacuuming.

"I hope you intend to clean up that mess you just made," said Ruffnut in a warning tone.

"Nah…that's your job."

"My job is to clean up after the people who attended the funeral…not the slobby worker who made the mess on purpose," said Ruffnut, getting ready for a fight.

Hiccup strode over quickly from the back of the room, where he had been turning off all the sound equipment.

"Guys, stop. Snotlout, can you try to keep the petals ON the casket…and Ruff, can you at least wait until he's left before cleaning there."

Snotlout whined, "But Hiccup…they always fall off and make a mess outside. Then I have to clean it up."

Ruffnut sniggered. "Must be the only cleaning you ever do," she said snidely.

Hiccup ignored them both, and went to help Snotlout push the casket through to the cremator room, ready for Snotlout to cremate. Checking briefly on the twins to ensure they were still on track with the cleaning, he stripped off his jacket and tie and headed towards the office.

He walked in, only to find Fishlegs looking very flustered, chasing through paperwork with one hand while he held the phone to his ear with the other.

"Yes, sir. As soon as I can find it, I'll get back to you. We've been a little busy this week. No sir, I assure you, we are very professional. Sir…I…"

He stopped short and pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at it. "Well, if that's how you feel about it…." he muttered to himself, before placing the phone back in its holder.

"Trouble?" asked Hiccup.

Fishlegs sighed in frustration. "I couldn't find the Form 1 to send to the doctor…he got a little upset with me," he said, with a slightly guilty and also annoyed frown. "Hiccup…we really need a receptionist. I can't answer all these phone calls and organize funerals too. It's impossible."

Hiccup thought for a moment. "What about Ruffnut? She could do it."

Fishlegs gave him an 'are you serious?' look.

"Have you heard her answer the phone? She answers with, 'Walking Zombies Department. We do zombies on request."

Hiccup tried not to snigger. "Okay. Point taken."

"Oh…and last week…I heard her say 'You kill 'em, we grill 'em.' And there's more…" Fishlegs was starting to get wound up, and Hiccup decided he had better interrupt.

"Alright, I get the picture. No Ruff on the phone. Fishlegs, I don't know if I can afford a receptionist right now. Plus all the training I'd have to do with them….I haven't got the time either," Hiccup told him.

Fishlegs gave him a pleading look. "Please?"

Hiccup shook his head and wagged a finger at him. "Oh no…don't give me the puppy eyes, Fishlegs," he warned.

"Please? What about if they only work part time? It won't cost so much and would make our lives much easier," Fishlegs begged again.

Hiccup sighed, knowing he could never refuse his friend. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Fishlegs gave him a bright smile. "You're the best boss, Hiccup. Thank you." He headed out the door.

"I haven't said yes, yet," called out Hiccup loudly to the broader man's departing back.

"But you will," sang back Fishlegs, now halfway down the hallway. "You always do."

Hiccup sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair in frustration. "I know. And that's what gets me into trouble," he grumbled to himself.

-oOo-

Hiccup Haddock the Third, was a funeral director. He had come into ownership of the 'Haddock Family Funerals' business in the small town of Berk, after his father Stoick, had passed away three years before. He was now twenty-six years old and had been involved in the funeral business ever since his late teens, when his father had started grooming him to 'take over the family business'.

At the time, Hiccup had not wanted to be involved with death. He felt he was far too young for that, and wanted to travel and see the world first. But after his father had been diagnosed with heart disease, Hiccup had found he was needed more and more to take over his father's heavy work load. Until finally, at the age of twenty-two, he ended up in full control of the funeral home, while his father's health declined rapidly.

It wasn't until Stoick's death, that Hiccup truly 'got it'. Refusing all offers of help, he had preferred to spend these last final moments with his father's body on his own. Washing him, brushing his hair, and dressing him in his best suit ready for the funeral, Hiccup realised how special it was to know that his father was still cared for, still being cared for, until that final moment when the coffin entered the cremator.

It was a lesson his dad had tried to teach his immature mind many times over. He would say, "Son, you've been given a special privilege. These families have trusted you to look after one of their own. It's an honour, and you must always treat it that way. Respect each one as if they were your own family."

It wasn't until his dad died, that Hiccup truly understood what that meant. So now he was proud to be a funeral director…to help other families in their greatest hour of need. He had smartened up his casual attitude to life, and had become a very well respected man in his own right. Throughout the community, he was considered a caring and thoughtful individual.

It didn't hurt that others also found him quite handsome. At six foot three, with a lean build and auburn hair, Hiccup was an eligible bachelor. Sometimes female clients left him personal notes or cards…occasionally small gifts. Enough came through, however, that his friends had taken up a 'blush-o-meter' to gauge how explicit the notes had been when Hiccup read them. For it was guaranteed with each letter, that Hiccup's cheeks would flare into different shades of red, and this reaction fascinated the others no end.

Speaking of which….

"Have you read the note yet?" asked Snotlout suddenly, popping through the office door and almost giving Hiccup a heart attack.

"What? What note?" he asked in irritation, waiting for his heart rate to return to normal.

"Don't think I didn't see that babe put a note in your pocket," teased Snotlout.

The twins pushed their way past the buff, black haired man. The brother-sister duo were lean and lanky with long blonde hair. Tuffnut always had his in dreadlocks, while Ruffnut kept hers in three loose braids.

"Has he read it yet?" Ruff now asked, rubbing her hands together eagerly.

"No, he's denying there's a note," Snotlout told them, while Hiccup shook his head in disbelief.

"Of course there's a note," added Fishlegs, who had come back in the other door. "We saw it on the cameras."

Fishlegs was a broad man, more chubby than muscle. Hiccup relied on him as the voice of reason in amongst the sea of madness the others provided. But it seemed even he had his moments of silliness.

Hiccup gave the big man a dry look. "If you're all so keen to see what's in the note, why don't you read it?" he asked.

"Are you kidding? And miss out on the fun of watching your toes curl and your face turn into a beetroot? This is the most exciting thing that happens all week," said Ruffnut in anticipation.

"Oh, and I suppose that all the running around we have to do every week to organize funerals is not exciting?" Hiccup asked.

"Nah…that's just the usual. This is the spice we crave," said Tuffnut. "Watching your love life unfold before us, is like watching a train wreck...a total disaster but you still can't look away."

"Since when is my…love life, or lack thereof….of any concern to you lot?" Hiccup asked incredulously.

"Puh-lease…being voted Berk's 'Most Eligible Bachelor' for three years running…all those women throwing themselves at your feet…it's so embarrassing to watch you fall over yourself. What's not interesting in that?" said Snotlout.

"Gee, thanks. I can feel the love," said Hiccup sarcastically.

"Yeah, it's not like Snot can do any better," said Tuff. His sister sniggered beside him.

"Hey! I can pull in any babe I want," said Snotlout. "They take one look at these guns pumping, and they can't help swooning at my feet." He flexed his biceps at them.

"Nah, you got it all wrong," said Ruffnut. "They're falling unconscious from the bad smell, not swooning," said Ruffnut, taunting him.

Fishlegs spoke up. "Guys, please. Do you mind?"

"Thank you Fishlegs, I appreciate that," said Hiccup with gratitude.

Fishlegs continued. "He hasn't read the note yet."

Hiccup rolled his eyes. "Annnd the moment's gone." Sighing, he knew he wasn't getting out of this. Personally, he would prefer to tip it straight into the bin and not even open it, but if a little bit of embarrassment kept them happy, who was he to deny his friends? They all worked very hard for him...mostly.

Picking up his jacket from where he had slung it over the chair, he pulled the note out of the top pocket. Flicking it open, he quickly read through the words. The others were all eagerly watching him.

"I call 'tomato'," yelled Tuffnut.

"No, 'beetroot'," said Ruff.

"What about just 'peachy'?" asked Fishlegs.

Snotlout snorted and crossed his arms. "You're all wrong. I'm going for 'Pink ears'."

Hiccup tried very hard not to blush, but he couldn't help it. The young woman hadn't written too much, but it was still enough.

"Peachy! I win," said Fishlegs, doing a little victory dance.

"Peachy? I protest! You had inside information," said Ruffnut, slamming her foot on the ground with a huff.

Hiccup shook his head and left them to argue without him. It could sometimes last a while when all of them got involved. Heading out to the small garden courtyard, Hiccup found his favourite seat. He sat and rested his chin in his hand. Gazing absently into the greenery, he thought about what Tuffnut and Snotlout had said.

Sure, his love life had been a string of...disasters would be the best word for it...but somehow, his friends comments had stung more than he realised. Being so busy in a profession that demanded 24/7 from you, took a toll on his personal life. And while he certainly had plenty of ...opportunities...none of them had been long lasting.

It had seemed his profession was a major stumbling block. Some were a little too fascinated by death, and when they started asking for coffins to sleep in at night, he would hurriedly run the other way. Others were repulsed by it, and would start to demand more of his time away from the parlour. They would show disgust when he had to leave in a middle of a date, or cancel plans at the last minute. So they too were quickly left behind.

He'd also made the mistake of dating clients on a few occasions. Something he vowed never to do again. A few had only been looking for discounts on their bill, and as soon as he had done so, they had immediately dropped him. A couple had been emotional wrecks, clingy and needy. At first, he had assumed that it was because they were grieving...until he found out they were like that all the time. Others had merely treated him as some kind of prize to be shown off. He'd promptly shown them the door too.

Hiccup sighed. It wasn't that he didn't want somebody in his life...but it was obviously going to take a special kind of woman to put up with his lifestyle. And at age twenty-six, he hadn't found the right one yet.

Fishlegs came outside. "Hey, Hiccup. You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah...I'm fine." Hiccup said despondently.

"You sure? You don't sound fine. Did the guys upset you? If you want, I can make sure they don't bother you again."

"No, no...that's okay. It's just...did you ever feel being in this business would be a bad thing?" Hiccup asked his friend.

"Whoa! Where's this coming from? You love this job," said Fishlegs in surprise.

"I know, I know. But...what if I never find someone to share my life with? What if I never get the chance to marry...or have a family?"

"Ohhhh. So that's what this is. Hiccup...I'm sure there's a wonderful lady out there, just waiting for you...You just haven't met her yet. Have patience. It will happen."

Hiccup snorted. "That's easy for you to say, you married your high school sweetheart."

Fishlegs smiled softly at the mention of his loving wife, Heather.

"Yeah, I know I'm a lucky guy. But it will happen for you too. I know it. You're a great guy, Hiccup. Smart, handsome..." He gave Hiccup a gentle nudge. "...have a fantastic funeral plan..."

Hiccup rolled his eyes. "Because that's such a great drawcard." But he smiled anyway. Fishlegs noticed.

"There! That's what I want to see. Don't give up on love just yet." He stood up. "Come on...I'll help you set up for the Fleckham burial. Snotlout probably hasn't remembered to pack the hearse yet for tomorrow. After that it will be time to go home."

Hiccup stood up too, but shook his head. "No. I'll be here late tonight. It's tax time. I have to go through the accounts."

Fishlegs gave him a pointed look. "See? Receptionist!"

Hiccup only laughed and started inside. He had work to do. Romance would just have to wait.

-oOo-

Hiccup yawned. He sleepily smacked his lips before realising where he was. Immediately pulling himself to attention, he worriedly searched around him to see if anyone had noticed. But all eyes were on the celebrant at the front of the chapel. It was an exceptionally long funeral service and he had half dozed off, feeling the effects of not enough sleep.

After his late night doing the books, he had staggered home and collapsed into bed, only to be woken by a call out at four a.m. for old Mrs Smith, who had finally passed away after holding on for the last six months. Just as he had been about to leave the family home with her body, some more relatives had arrived and he had been forced to wait a bit longer before he could go.

Not that he minded of course, but it meant he had barely made it to work in time to get ready for this morning's funeral. It was being held for the young man, Billy Fleckham. Young people generally attracted longer services and larger crowds. Which meant he had needed extra help to conduct it. And for him, that meant the twins.

Hiccup checked his schedule. He hadn't missed his cue for the slideshow presentation yet. He still had time. Glancing over at the twins, he was not surprised to see them having a staring competition with each other. Thankfully it was a silent exercise. The first few times he'd brought them along with him to assist at a funeral, they had loudly proclaimed to him they were bored…right in the middle of a service. He had an awful lot of explaining to do after that, to some irate customers. Since then, he had encouraged the twins to take up quiet competitions to keep themselves entertained. So far, it had worked.

His gaze slid down to their feet, and he had to suppress a chuckle. Both twins insisted on wearing identical suits…right down to the slightly too short pants with the dragon print white socks visible underneath. The reason they did this…as they explained to Hiccup…was to confuse people when they were welcomed in by one twin, and then seated by the other. Hiccup didn't really want to know what went on in that space between their ears, but as long as they did their job without disturbing anybody, he was fine with it.

Hiccup glanced up. The eulogy had finished and the celebrant was about to introduce the slide show. He was instantly alert, getting ready to do his part and make sure the whole service went through as seamlessly as he could make it.

-oOo-

Hiccup drove the hearse into the loading bay, sighing in quiet relief. It had been a difficult morning, ending at the cemetery for the burial on a very hot day.

"I'm going back to my air conditioned mortuary," said Ruffnut loudly, as soon as the three of them had piled out of the hearse.

Snotlout laughed, "What's the matter Ruff...can't stand a little heat?" He puffed out his chest, like a peacock in full strut. "I can handle 1200 degrees, baby," he boasted.

Tuffnut gave an uninterested sneer. "Do it in a full suit and tie...then I'll be impressed," he told the other man, slinging his jacket and loosened tie over his shoulder.

"Yeah...Hiccup nearly melted into his own back pocket. I'm sure his tie has fused onto his neck," said Ruff.

Hiccup pulled the mobile speaker out of the hearse. "It didn't help that the batteries were flat," he said, glowering at the twins.

"What? You told us to swap them," said Tuff with a shrug.

"Uh…two days ago. And when you didn't do it, I had to do it this morning."

"Yeah, right before we accidentally swapped the flat ones back again. You should know us by now, Chief."

Hiccup rolled his eyes, "Yeah…I should. Why do I employ you two again?"

"Because we're the best morticians you can afford to pay," Ruff shot back. "At least we didn't knock that old lady into the grave," she sniggered.

Hiccup looked up at them, offended. "I did not knock her in…I stopped her from falling in when she tried to throw the petals on the coffin and overbalanced."

Tuff sniggered, "Another woman falling at your feet. Pity her age was the same as the temperature today."

Ruff added, "Yeah, like one hundred and ten. Boy, you sure are getting desperate Hiccup."

Hiccup decided to ignore them and left the final unpacking to the twins and Snotlout, while he headed for the office.

Fishlegs greeted him as soon as he walked in. "Hiccup! You're late!"

Hiccup frowned and held up four fingers, "Heat. Twins. Flat Batteries. And twins. Not necessarily in that order."

"Well, you better move it, because you have your appointment with Mrs Green soon. And that paperwork for the new client came through. She'll be here later this afternoon." He stopped to wrinkle his nose and gave an obvious sniff. "Ew…I think you had better shower before you go."

"Thanks Fishlegs. Your comments are always appreciated," said Hiccup drily, pulling out a well-thumbed file from his in-tray.

Fishlegs beamed. "My pleasure….So, who do you think will be the 'relative of the month' this time," he asked.

Hiccup flicked through the paperwork, checking he had it all. "Probably Eunice…it's her turn," he muttered, more to himself.

Mrs Green was an old dear who insisted on Hiccup coming to visit her once a month, to ensure that her funeral insurance was still valid, the money was still there, and no, he hadn't forgotten her wishes regarding her funeral. How could he? She reminded him every month. Every few months, she would also ask to change the name of her next of kin to be contacted in the event of her death. Hiccup had given up crossing the name out on the sheet. Now he had a sheet for each of the three relatives Mrs Green switched between, and he simply wrote the date on the most current one.

Every time Hiccup had tried to gently suggest that he didn't need to keep coming to see her, she would get upset and tell him firmly that she was dying, and how could he bear to live with the knowledge he had messed up her funeral? So Hiccup would sigh and give in, making another appointment with her for the following month. The problem was, she had been 'dying' for the last two years, even though she was as healthy as a horse. Hiccup was sure Mrs Green would outlast him. He could just imagine her, knocking on his gravestone with her walking stick, telling him to get up and make sure her funeral was just as she wanted it.

Hiccup shook his head at the thought, and headed for the shower, grabbing his bag of spare clothes as he went. The mortuary had a small wet room that contained an open shower and a toilet. He slid the door closed, and for about the millionth time that year, he flipped the lock only to remember that he still hadn't repaired it. Sighing, he ignored it and dropped his clean clothes on the shelf.

Stripping off his old, sweaty suit he gratefully stepped under the refreshing shower. It only took a few moments to scrub himself clean, but he wasn't ready to leave just yet. Holding onto the shower head for balance, he closed his eyes and let the water flow over his tired muscles while his mind churned over.

He was feeling the effects of not enough sleep and too much work, but his day wasn't over yet. He had received an odd phone call this morning while he was getting ready for the burial. It had been from a very distraught young woman. Her uncle had died in unusual circumstances that he didn't understand yet, but his body had now been released from the coroner's, ready for cremation. She had told him that she was the executor and said quite firmly that he was not to take instructions from any other relatives, no matter what story they gave him.

It sounded as if it was going to be a difficult case, so he had decided to take it on instead of Fishlegs. The other man was a wonderful funeral director, caring and sensitive... but he didn't like conflict.

Hiccup's eyes were still closed under the soaking shower, frowning as he mentally ran through all the forms he would need, and it was a moment before he registered the door sliding open. His eyes snapped open and he yelped, leaping sideways to grab his towel. Keeping his back turned to the unknown person he shouted, "What are you doing in here? I'm having a shower."

A rough, feminine voice cackled. "I know. I need to use the loo."

Hiccup glanced over his shoulder at Ruffnut, who was clearly enjoying herself way too much at his expense.

"Couldn't you wait? Or use the other toilet?" he asked with a huff, making sure the towel was wrapped tightly around himself. He kept his back to her.

He could practically hear her shrugging. "Nah…this one is closer. Great buns by the way…"

Hiccup heard the distinct sound of fabric sliding over skin, and he stiffened in shock, his eyes wide open. Without turning around, he asked very quickly, "What are you doing?"

"Using the toilet. What else?" she replied, the sounds of subtle splashing giving testimony to that statement.

"With me in here?" he squeaked.

"What's the matter? We're all guys, right?" she said nonchalantly, still not finished.

"Uh…last time I checked, you were a girl," said Hiccup in agitation, wondering if it was possible to will his ears shut against the sounds coming from her direction. He didn't dare release the towel to block them with his fingers.

"Ohh….so you've been checking me out," said Ruff, her obvious pleasure at his discomfort coming through in her voice.

"What? No! Are you crazy? You're not supposed to be in here at the same time as me," he practically shouted. He kept his eyes trained firmly on a spot on the wall in front of him, so that he didn't accidentally see something he would really….really regret.

"Why not? I walk in on Tuff all the time. He doesn't dance around like you do," said Ruffnut, grabbing the paper.

"He's your brother…you grew up with him. That's normal for families…it's not normal to just walk in on any male," huffed Hiccup.

He heard fabric being pulled over skin again, and he almost cried with relief. Finally, it sounded like his torment would be soon over.

"Ngh…whatever," she replied, washing her hands in the basin.

Hiccup nearly jumped six feet up, when he felt her hands grabbing the edge of his towel to dry them.

"Ruffnut! Use the paper towel!" he shouted urgently, yanking the only barrier between his nakedness and her eyes away from her grasp.

Ruffnut rolled her eyes and headed out the door. "Boy, you sure are touchy," she complained. She left the door open, and Hiccup only took a second to close it. He kept his eyes firmly glued to the door in case it opened again, and rapidly dressed himself, not even bothering to dry his hair until all his clothes were in place. Only then, did he relax and finish the job.

Heading back to the office, he vowed to drive straight to the hardware store before his appointment with Mrs Green, and buy himself a new door lock.

Hiccup was quickly descending into a foul mood, so when he opened the office door to find all his staff staring at him, he snapped. "What are you all looking at?"

"Oh, Ruff was just telling us where to find a nice pair of buns," said Snotlout, choking back a laugh.

"Don't bother looking, because that door will be locked from now on, " Hiccup told them firmly. He gathered up his paperwork, including the forms for the new client.

"Hey boss... if you can't find the girl of your dreams...I'll hook up with you," said Ruffnut, a strange gleam in her eyes.

Tuffnut and Snotlout sniggered while Fishlegs blushed deep red.

Hiccup gave her such a terrified look of revulsion and horror that Tuffnut and Snotlout roared with laughter.

"Ah...no, thanks Ruff. Bachelorhood looking pretty inviting right now," said Hiccup nervously, backing away. Holding his paperwork tightly, he grabbed his jacket and car keys then practically ran out the office. But he was still close enough to hear Ruff say,"Ngh...I prefer my men with a bit more muscle anyway."

Hiccup didn't know if he should feel relieved or offended at the comment, but when he heard Snotlout suggest they should set him up with blind dates, Hiccup yelled back loudly, "NO!"