Kyouko: Welcome to another week of cooking with Kyouko. I'm your delightful host, Kyouko Sakura, and this is my lovely assistant, Sayaka Miki.

Sayaka: Hi, everyone.

Kyouko: Alright. This week, we'll be teaching you how to make a very special dish, one I've been waiting to have for a long time. We're going to make...Kyuburgers.

Sayaka (whisper): I thought we were learning how to bake a cake this week. Isn't that what we planned?

Kyouko (whisper): Yeah, but then I found this guy in a back alley, and wondered how it would taste.

Sayaka (whisper): Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, we don't even know where he comes-

Kyouko: Sorry, everyone. My assistant here can get really talkative and while I would love to keep chatting with you, we have viewers waiting.

Sayaka nervously fidgeting

Kyouko: Anyways, we're going to be making these from scratch. So, you'll need one egg, half a teaspoon of salt, 3 tablespoons of milk, 2 minced cloves of garlic, ⅛ teaspoon of pepper, whatever condiments you'll be wanting to put onto it, and of course, one dead and frozen Incubator. You'll also want to preheat your stovetop or grill at this stage to high heat.

Sayaka: Um…

Kyouko: Now, there are many ways to prepare your Incubator for the meat of your burgers. You can use a meat grinder or you can cut it by hand. Cutting it by hand is going to take longer, but we strive for only the best here, so that's how we're going to do it.

Sayaka: You're making meat from an alien you found in an alley. How is that 'striving for the best'?

Kyouko: Just trust me. I know exactly what I'm doing here. Now, if you're gifted enough to have made a contract with this furball from the depths of hell itself, you can cheat and magically enhance the incubator a little to make the meat just a little more tender, but don't worry. If you don't have magic, it'll still turn out spectacularly. You'll also want to cut the pieces small using the sharpest knife you have, like a cleaver or one of Sayaka's swords.

Sayaka: Wait, what?

Kyouko: Sayaka, summon one of your swords for me so I can demonstrate. You're on TV, don't embarrass yourself.

Reluctantly summons sword

Kyouko: That's the spirit. If you use a heavy knife and keep the meat cold, you shouldn't have to put in much effort.

Blood splattering

Sayaka: This is disgusting. I don't want to watch this.

Kyouko: We both know you're secretly enjoying this. I know I am.

Sayaka: Maybe a little bit…

Kyouko: Exactly. When you're finished, it should look about as chopped up as Elsa Maria when Sayaka was done with her. After that, throw the meat into a bowl and begin mixing your other ingredients.

Sayaka: Kyouko, I really don't think meat should be white and overflowing with grief…

Kyouko: The grief will only make it better. It adds flavour to it.

Sayaka: Are you sure?

Kyouko: I think so. It can't be that bad, can it?

Sayaka: If you say so…

Kyouko: When you're finished, mold the meat into patties and put them onto the pan, making sure to flip them every once in a while to get an even cook. While we wait for that to happen, let's have a message from our sponsor.

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Kyouko: And we're back. Don't these look delicious?

Sayaka: I'm still not sure about this…

Kyouko: Well, the viewers are waiting. Might as well make sure we don't put these to waste.

Takes a bite

Kyouko: *urk* The taste is definitely...unexpected.

More gagging noises

Sayaka: I told you this was a bad idea, didn't I?

Kyouko: Shut up. They're great. They just need more seasoning, that's all.

Sayaka: I don't think that's the issue.

Kyouko: Fine. Let's give it to our panel of judges.

Mami: *eating* I know I endorsed you for this, but these are pretty bad, and I came here expecting cake. What happened to the cake?

Kyouko: She probably ate a lot today anyways. When you expect cake and get Kyuburgers, it can affect the taste a little. What does our next judge think?

Homura: Kyouko, what have I told you about cooking Incubators? Also, what am I doing here? I have witches to kill.

Kyouko: Okay, enough out of her. Let's move on to our final judge. Madoka, what do you think?

Madoka: *Holding back tears* It's...delicious?

Kyouko: There you have it, folks. Kyuburgers are a hit. Now, go out and make your own, and I'm sure you'll be the smash hit of wherever you end up. Kyouko is signing off. Join us next week as we bake a spectacular cake unlike anything you've ever imagine...with Kyubey meat as our special ingredient

Sayaka: Why did I agree to this?

I honestly have no idea what the hell I just wrote or why, but I hope you manage to enjoy this garbage.