You don't expect to see anything special when you wake up.

I mean, aside from the ceiling. I mean, that's kind of a given, unless you're one of those weird niggas who sleeps on their stomachs and… you know, I think you get the gist. You don't expect anything except the ceiling.

So imagine your surprise when you wake up, and instead of a ceiling, you see a little girl, dressed in pink, staring at you? Because that's EXACTLY what I got.

"About time you woke up," she said as she sat up and began to file her nails. Now, mind you, this girl looked like she was SIX, and she was wearing more makeup than I'd ever seen ANYONE wear. Hell, even WHORES wore less than her. In more than one way, but still…

"Oh, so you're just gonna stare, huh?" she said, her face getting cross. "Mom said you hit your head pretty hard. She put me here to make sure you didn't leave."

Mom? Hit my head? This was all Greek to me… I had no idea what was…

Oh, no.

The realization hit me like a cannon. I remembered everything: the crash, the bedroom, and… ME.

Was I really… a GIRL? A WHITE GIRL?

I looked down at my hands, too scared to speak. Sure enough, they were white. So I HADN'T imagined it. I felt sick.

"Well, I have to tell mom you're awake. Stay there, Luan."

The girl got up and ran out of the room, leaving me to wonder what the fuck had just happened.

LUAN?

Now what kind of a name is that? I mean, Dee Dee isn't really a big step in the right direction, but Luan is just… an UGLY name. Like, something you'd name a DOG instead of a person. What were Mom and Dad thinking when-

The door suddenly swung open, and the girl marched back in. Behind her was a tall woman, wearing a pink shirt and brown pants.

"She's awake, mom. I stayed here for as long as you wanted. Where's the dough?"

"-sigh- Hold on…" she said. It was obvious she had just woken up, because this lady was SHOT. Her eyes were swollen and red, and she just looked MISERABLE. She dug around in her pocket and pulled out a ten dollar bill, handing it over to the girl.

"Ahh, the smell of cash…" she said, smelling the bill. Gnarly.

She walked out, and the lady walked over and sat on the foot of the bed.

"How're you feeling, honey? I hope Lola didn't give you a hard time…"

Lola. Sounds about right if you're naming a spoiled brat, I thought. I turned to the lady, and not wanting to speak, gave a thumbs up.

"Honey, I'm not in the mood for charades right now. Just give me a straight answer."

Oh, boy. She was forcing me to talk. I felt sick once again as I opened my mouth.

"I'm… fine."

I certainly didn't SOUND fine, but I was more concerned with how HARD it was to talk. It was like I had pieces of METAL stuck-

Oh, no.

PLEASE, for the love of god, tell me I don't have braces. Oh, my god, please…

I touched my tooth with my tounge, and sure enough, the ting of metal was in my mouth. Great. I'm a girl AND a nerd at the same time. Could this day get any worse?!

"Well, that's good to hear. You hit your head on the sink pretty hard, honey. What happened?"

"Uhhh…" I muttered, trying to find a distraction. From the corner of my eye, I saw a fake rubber spider hanging from the door handle. I went with it.

"I saw a spider and tripped."

"Huh… I didn't know you were scared of spiders. I thought Leni was bad enough… I got you an apointment tomorrow to check your head. You really hit it hard."

"Uhh… thanks," I said, still trying to get over my initial shock. For a dude that had just transformed into a girl, I was taking this remarkably well.

"No problem, honey," she said, smiling as she stood up. "Now, I think your father is making you eggs! Funny side up, right?"

Huh?

What kind of Green Eggs and Ham shit was 'funny side up' supposed to mean? Was I actually supposed to EAT that-

Aaaand, she left. Great. It was just me left in the room. Whoop de dang doo.

Honestly, at this point I had kind of understood the situation. I was some random girl named Luan instead of Dee Dee… except, I still WAS Dee Dee. Just trapped inside of Luan. But…

Was Luan trapped inside of ME?

I've seen enough Scifi thrillers to know that when ONE person switches bodies, the OTHER person gets yours. So THAT had to mean that whoever this Luan was, she was currently living as ME. And based on my reaction, she was probably not taking it well.

I got up and began to slowly walk to the computer on the desk, making sure not to fall. It FELT normal… but I wasn't gonna take any chances. This was new territory.

I finally made it over to the desk. I pulled the chair out from underneath it and sat down, opening the laptop. It was powered off, so I turned it on and-

RRRRIIIIIING!

HOLY SHIT!

I jumped out of that chair as if I'd never heard a phone in my entire life. I didn't even SEE a phone there, that's how bad this was. I'm a basketball player; I do NOT have tunnel vision.

Slowly, I picked up the phone, not knowing who it was or what I was supposed to be doing. I spoke in a hushed whisper.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Funny Business, Inc?"

Fun huh WHAT? What in the blazing HELL is Funny Business Inc? That sounds like some cheap comedy act you put in elementary schools to give assemblies to the kids! Is this bitch SERIOUS?!

"Uhhh… yeah, this is," I said, not knowing anything about what I was doing. "What can I do for you?"

"Oh, great! So, my daughter is turning 6 on Wenesday and she LOVES clowns! Can you come over and do an act for her please?"

WHAT?!

I SLAMMED the phone down onto the tray, I didn't even care at that point. A CLOWN?! THIS GIRL SPENT HER TIME AS A FUCKING CLOWN? Geez, I've been here for four hours and this bitch already has no life!

Braces, funny side up, clowns… what the hell IS this girl? How do I go from being a basketball star to… A LOSER?

It didn't matter to me at that point, though. I had been in a car wreck, right? There HAD to be news on that… on Yahoo, CNN, anywhere. I opened the laptop and clicked on the Firefox logo (seriously, this girl used Firefox.) And, with trembling fingers, I typed.

D-e-e D-e-e M-u-r-p-h-y

Send.

Buffering, buffering…

NO RESULTS?!

Well, there WERE results. Of some random lawyer in Oklahoma. But unless you've been living under a rock, I'm not a lawyer. And that was NOT me. He was ASIAN.

WHAT KIND OF ASIAN PERSON IS NAMED DEE DEE?!

What was happening? Why was there no results for me? I tried again, trying to be specific.

D-e-e D-e-e M-u-r-p-h-y B-a-s-k-e-t-b-a-l-l

Send.

Buffering… buffering…

NOTHING!

Oh, this can't be happening, this ISN'T happening…

Did… did I not EXIST?

I closed the laptop. I had had enough Internet for today. I needed answers. A newspaper, a TV report, ANYTHING!

I walked out the door into the hallway again, trying hard not to fall. A shorter girl was out there too, dressed in red. She was wearing a jersey, a pretty old one at…

A JERSEY!

She HAD to be a sports nerd! Only REAL fans wear jerseys in their casual time! I know that for a fact!

So, I walked over to her, trying to be as smooth and easy going as possible.

"Hey."

She turned and looked at me as if I had lost it.

"Yeah?"

"Uhhh… did you hear about that basketball player?"

She stared at me for a moment before… rolling her eyes.

"Nice try, Luan, but I'm not in the mood for a joke right now."

Wait… what? I'm not trying to be funny here, girl, you need to give me some info!

"No, I'm serious! Dee Dee Murphy? The big name star?"

She blinked hard as she said a single word.

"Who?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!