Part Two
(Cut back from commercial. The bumper shows Paige, Amy Wynn and some anonymous crew members wandering around the graveyard. They're cupping their hands to their mouths as if calling for someone. The camera is knocked to the ground and dissolves into static.)
(Cut to Spike's crypt. The room is clear, which basically means that they've moved the chair and the TV. Drop cloths are covering the floor. Willow and Anya are sitting on the floor next to each other, looking at Hildi. )
Hildi: Thanks for clearing the room, guys! Now we can really get started! This room is going to be all about -
(Paige walks in)
Paige: Hey! Have you guys seen Mark the cameraman? He's missing. (She looks around the room and frowns, putting her hands on her hips.) And what's going on here, a picnic?
(Hildi rolls her eyes)
Anya: (to Willow) I like her. She's tiny and abrupt. And underdressed! (She nudges Willow meaningfully. Willow looks horrified.)
(Paige's smile freezes and she blinks several times.)
Hildi: (blissfully ignorant) Don't start with me, Paige! We're well ahead of schedule, thanks to my *wonderful* team!
Paige: (looks away from Anya, who is tilting her head towards Willow significantly and raising her eyebrows) I, um, I don't know. (she shakes her head) I don't see any paint on the walls. But I do see. is that mold? And. moss? Hildi! How are you going to paint over that?
Hildi: I'm not. (she spreads her arms) Those walls are the whole inspiration for my room. This room is going to be all about. gothic.
(Willow and Anya look at each other.)
Willow: Are you sure?
Anya: We thought you might want to do something in pastels.
Willow: Something with chintz.
Anya: And those tiny pillows that serve no purpose!
Willow: Oh, Spike would *love* those!
(Paige looks at them skeptically. Hildi's smile doesn't change.)
Hildi: Well, he'll love this design, too. Right? Are you with me?
Willow: ... Yes.
Anya: (very earnestly) Perhaps we can compromise. I look forward to sharing my opinion with you repeatedly and insistently.
Paige: That's the spirit!
Hildi: (narrows her eyes) Now, let me tell you what we're going to do. We can't paint the walls, and we can't hang wallpaper, so we're going to make them the focal point. Think... dungeon meets postmodernism.
(Willow looks confused. Anya nods seriously. Paige looks like she's trying not to grin.)
Hildi: (continues) We're going to be bringing in some major pieces of furniture, doing a large art projects, and introducing elements from other parts of the house.
Paige: Crypt.
Hildi: (ignores her) We've got a lot to do, so let's get started! The first thing we're going to have to do is install a light fixture. Otherwise, it's going to get very dark very fast. Willow? Find out where he had that TV plugged in. Anya? Go ask Amy Wynn when our first piece will be done. Paige?
Paige: Yes?
Hildi: Go see what Doug's doing.
****
(Cut to Paige standing out in the graveyard again in front of a freshly dug grave. She has a wide smile on her face.)
Paige: Mold? Moss? (laughs) Maybe we should have gotten Genevieve for this one!
(She starts to walk towards the camera. Behind her, a pair of hands comes up through the dirt.)
Paige: Whoever the designer, it's going to be a rough two nights trying to make that crypt, well. fit for the living!
(A vampire's head follows the hands. He has dark brown hair, although that might just be the dirt, and he's already in game face. He spots Paige and growls.)
Paige: And what about Doug? The last time I went over there, he slammed the door in my face! (she pauses) Actually, that's not really unusual for Doug.
(The vampire is fully out of the ground now, and stalking towards Paige. His yellow eyes catch the soft spotlight that's fixed on Paige.)
Paige: Maybe it's the California air, maybe it's standing on the mouth of hell, but either way! (she grins) It's going to be a hell of a show!
(The vampire grabs her by the shoulder)
(Paige whirls, eyes wide and her mouth open to scream.)
Vampire: Grrr!
Paige: EEEEE!
Vampire: GRR- wait, Paige? Paige Davis?
Paige: EEEEE-uh?
Vampire: (looks at the camera) I *love* this show! (looks around) Is Vern here? Vern?
(Buffy steps into the shot, wearing an outfit only slightly more practical than the one Paige is wearing. She ignores the camera.)
Buffy: That's right, Vern. He's over at the other house. C'mon, I'll show you.
Paige: (softly) Is that a vampire?
Vampire: Great! (looks at the camera and makes a victory sign) You're awesome, Vern! Don't worry, I'll make it quick! Diane, by the time you see this, I'll have turned Vern. *Vern!* You're going to be so proud of me, mom!
Buffy: Sire.
Vampire: What?
Buffy: The person who makes you a vampire is called a sire.
Paige: Seriously, is that a vampire?
Vampire: I know that. She's *also* my mom. What do you think I am, stupid?
Buffy: (shakes her head) No, of course not. Come on. Let's go see Vern.
(She leaves the shot, followed by the grinning vampire.)
Paige: (looks right at the camera) That was a vampire.
Cameraman Mark: (from behind the camera) Yep.
****
(Cut to Willow's room. The room has been cleared, there are drop cloths all over the floor and Doug is nowhere in sight. Xander and Spike are painting the walls a dark color.)
Xander: All I'm saying is that it isn't fair.
Spike: Life isn't fair, princess. (slaps the roller onto the wall)
Xander: I didn't even know they made Trading Spaces smocks in leather! (paints evenly and slowly)
Spike: Yeah, well, that's not really a shock, is it? Could fill the Royal Library with what you don't know.
Xander: (still rolling evenly) Think so? I know one thing.
Spike: Oh? And what would that be?
Xander: *You're* going to have splotches.
(Spike rolls his eyes)
(There's a long pause where they do nothing but paint. Spike seems to be being a little more careful now.)
Xander: Say, what color do you think this is?
Spike: Green.
Xander: Really? I'd have said gold.
Spike: Wait a tick, now it looks black.
Xander: Purple.
(They both stop painting and step back from the walls. They look at it thoughtfully.)
Xander: You know, as a connoisseur of creepy, I would have to say that this color is. creepy.
Spike: That's the technical term, is it?
Xander: (defensively) Well, I dumbed it down a little so that you could follow me. Technically, a color like this would be referred to as: really, really, really, creepy. (He grins) Or, as Willow used to call it, 'Cordelia creepy'. (nostalgic pause) Good times.
Spike: (cocks his head to one side, still looking at the wall) Funny you should say that. I was just thinking that the tint reminds me of this girl I knew once.
Xander: I'm not going to ask.
(pause)
Xander: (hopefully) Her eyes were this color?
Spike: Nah. Other bits.
Xander: (starts to knock his head against the wall but stops just before his hair touches the paint) Why, oh *why* don't I ever listen to me? Don't ask Spike questions. Don't leave Anya at the altar. Don't eat that last fudge bar. It'd be one thing if I was a masochist, you know. At least then I could *enjoy* the pain.
Spike: So sure you're not? (raises his eyebrows) That's always been my theory. Exhibit one: Cordelia. Exhibit two: Anya. Exhibit three. Yeah, I don't think I need to go on. We could prove it, o' course.
Xander: (warily) How?
Spike: (smiles slowly) I'm thinking some whips, some chains, some razors. we could clear this right up. Take a load off your mind.
(Xander stares at him.)
Doug: (offscreen) I hear talking, but I don't hear painting!
Xander: Isn't he-
Spike: Downstairs. Yeah.
Xander: And how did he hear-
Spike: Don't know.
Xander: Should we be worried?
(Spike shrugs in a way that implies that he was torturing people a hundred years before television was invented, Doug doesn't scare him one bit, and he could rip Doug into ten roughly equal-sized pieces but chooses not to for the moment. He freezes in mid-shrug.)
Xander: What?
(Spike slaps the roller against the wall quickly.)
Spike: (hisses) He's coming up the stairs!
(Xander smiles, then grins, then starts to laugh)
(Sound of footsteps in the hallway)
Xander: Eep. (He starts rolling out the paint on the walls. Spike smirks.)
(Doug enters the room. He's dressed all in black, and is smiling. Really, really smiling. His smile is twice the size of his face.)
Doug: Why is the window closed? (He crosses to the window and throws it open, letting in a gust of wind that blows Xander's smock up into his face. Spike's leather smock is undisturbed.)
Xander: I've gone blind! (The smock falls away from his eyes, leaving him face to face with the wall. He makes a strangled noise in his throat and stares.)
Spike: You want to paint something, mate? Walls not going to paint itself.
Xander: (still staring at the wall) Bet?
Doug: (looks at them and his smile drops away) Don't close the window again. (He blinks and the smile is back) So what do you think of the color?
Xander: Does the phrase 'terrifying beyond all reason' mean anything to you?
Spike: Maybe if we saw the plans for the room.
Doug: (laughs merrily) Oh, we don't need to do that. It's not like you have any say in it, right? Although, now that we're on the subject, if you could pick a fight with me in about an hour, that'd be great. I need to be off the set for a while.
Xander: Couldn't you just leave?
Spike: No problem, Doug.
(Doug's smile gets broader as he smiles at Spike. Spike takes a step back.)
Doug: Thank you, Spike. (He pulls a small can out of the bag and puts it down on the drop cloths.) You should be getting to the trim soon, and I want you to use this color, okay?
Xander: O-
Doug: And don't close the window. (He leaves, and takes his smile with him. Or maybe it's the other way around.)
Xander: (finishes) Kay. (He looks at Spike.) *Now* should we be worried?
Spike: Just keep painting.
Xander: (frowns) And that's another thing. Since when are you Mr. Agreeable?
Spike: Don't know what you're talking about.
Xander: (mimics Spike, which filtered through Xander sounds an awful lot like Kermit the frog.) 'No problem, Doug. oh, maybe if we saw the plans, Doug. Doug, did you get the fan letters I sent you? They were the ones with the bloodstains and the little hearts over the I's?'
Spike: Shut it.
Xander: (still in the Kermit voice) Ooh, Doug. (breaks off when he catches sight of the paint can Doug left behind.) Hey, Spike?
Spike: (without looking around) Right. I'm getting the razors.
Xander: Did you look at this paint can?
Spike: (turns around and pauses) Huh.
Xander: It's very shiny, isn't it? (cocks his head to one side) Is... all that... normal?
Spike: Don't know, do I? You know how it is... between murdering and ending the world and plotting to kill you and all your friends, there never seemed to be the time for decorating.
Xander: (still staring) The curse of the modern vampire, trying to have it all. Blood. Vengeance. Window treatments.
Spike: Actually, now that I think about it, Dru once did something along those lines.
Xander: (can't seem to look away from the can, which is still off screen) Oh yeah?
Spike: (thoughtfully) Yeah. Took her three prostitutes and the contents of a pet store. (shakes his head) She's a stickler for detail, my Dru.
Xander: (absent-mindedly) Mmm. Anya too.
(Spike looks at Xander. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks at the camera. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks back at Xander. Xander looks at the can.)
Spike: Right, that's it. I'm getting a smoke. (He stalks out of the room, the leather smock snapping around him.)
(Close up on Xander, looking at the can.)
(The bumper to commercial shows Paige climbing into a coffin. Doug runs quickly into frame and slams the lid of the coffin shut, then runs away. Sounds of banging and muffled shouts.)
(Cut to commercial.)
______ End Part Two Tell me what you think?
Hee. It's very wrong that I'm enjoying this as much as I am.
(Cut back from commercial. The bumper shows Paige, Amy Wynn and some anonymous crew members wandering around the graveyard. They're cupping their hands to their mouths as if calling for someone. The camera is knocked to the ground and dissolves into static.)
(Cut to Spike's crypt. The room is clear, which basically means that they've moved the chair and the TV. Drop cloths are covering the floor. Willow and Anya are sitting on the floor next to each other, looking at Hildi. )
Hildi: Thanks for clearing the room, guys! Now we can really get started! This room is going to be all about -
(Paige walks in)
Paige: Hey! Have you guys seen Mark the cameraman? He's missing. (She looks around the room and frowns, putting her hands on her hips.) And what's going on here, a picnic?
(Hildi rolls her eyes)
Anya: (to Willow) I like her. She's tiny and abrupt. And underdressed! (She nudges Willow meaningfully. Willow looks horrified.)
(Paige's smile freezes and she blinks several times.)
Hildi: (blissfully ignorant) Don't start with me, Paige! We're well ahead of schedule, thanks to my *wonderful* team!
Paige: (looks away from Anya, who is tilting her head towards Willow significantly and raising her eyebrows) I, um, I don't know. (she shakes her head) I don't see any paint on the walls. But I do see. is that mold? And. moss? Hildi! How are you going to paint over that?
Hildi: I'm not. (she spreads her arms) Those walls are the whole inspiration for my room. This room is going to be all about. gothic.
(Willow and Anya look at each other.)
Willow: Are you sure?
Anya: We thought you might want to do something in pastels.
Willow: Something with chintz.
Anya: And those tiny pillows that serve no purpose!
Willow: Oh, Spike would *love* those!
(Paige looks at them skeptically. Hildi's smile doesn't change.)
Hildi: Well, he'll love this design, too. Right? Are you with me?
Willow: ... Yes.
Anya: (very earnestly) Perhaps we can compromise. I look forward to sharing my opinion with you repeatedly and insistently.
Paige: That's the spirit!
Hildi: (narrows her eyes) Now, let me tell you what we're going to do. We can't paint the walls, and we can't hang wallpaper, so we're going to make them the focal point. Think... dungeon meets postmodernism.
(Willow looks confused. Anya nods seriously. Paige looks like she's trying not to grin.)
Hildi: (continues) We're going to be bringing in some major pieces of furniture, doing a large art projects, and introducing elements from other parts of the house.
Paige: Crypt.
Hildi: (ignores her) We've got a lot to do, so let's get started! The first thing we're going to have to do is install a light fixture. Otherwise, it's going to get very dark very fast. Willow? Find out where he had that TV plugged in. Anya? Go ask Amy Wynn when our first piece will be done. Paige?
Paige: Yes?
Hildi: Go see what Doug's doing.
****
(Cut to Paige standing out in the graveyard again in front of a freshly dug grave. She has a wide smile on her face.)
Paige: Mold? Moss? (laughs) Maybe we should have gotten Genevieve for this one!
(She starts to walk towards the camera. Behind her, a pair of hands comes up through the dirt.)
Paige: Whoever the designer, it's going to be a rough two nights trying to make that crypt, well. fit for the living!
(A vampire's head follows the hands. He has dark brown hair, although that might just be the dirt, and he's already in game face. He spots Paige and growls.)
Paige: And what about Doug? The last time I went over there, he slammed the door in my face! (she pauses) Actually, that's not really unusual for Doug.
(The vampire is fully out of the ground now, and stalking towards Paige. His yellow eyes catch the soft spotlight that's fixed on Paige.)
Paige: Maybe it's the California air, maybe it's standing on the mouth of hell, but either way! (she grins) It's going to be a hell of a show!
(The vampire grabs her by the shoulder)
(Paige whirls, eyes wide and her mouth open to scream.)
Vampire: Grrr!
Paige: EEEEE!
Vampire: GRR- wait, Paige? Paige Davis?
Paige: EEEEE-uh?
Vampire: (looks at the camera) I *love* this show! (looks around) Is Vern here? Vern?
(Buffy steps into the shot, wearing an outfit only slightly more practical than the one Paige is wearing. She ignores the camera.)
Buffy: That's right, Vern. He's over at the other house. C'mon, I'll show you.
Paige: (softly) Is that a vampire?
Vampire: Great! (looks at the camera and makes a victory sign) You're awesome, Vern! Don't worry, I'll make it quick! Diane, by the time you see this, I'll have turned Vern. *Vern!* You're going to be so proud of me, mom!
Buffy: Sire.
Vampire: What?
Buffy: The person who makes you a vampire is called a sire.
Paige: Seriously, is that a vampire?
Vampire: I know that. She's *also* my mom. What do you think I am, stupid?
Buffy: (shakes her head) No, of course not. Come on. Let's go see Vern.
(She leaves the shot, followed by the grinning vampire.)
Paige: (looks right at the camera) That was a vampire.
Cameraman Mark: (from behind the camera) Yep.
****
(Cut to Willow's room. The room has been cleared, there are drop cloths all over the floor and Doug is nowhere in sight. Xander and Spike are painting the walls a dark color.)
Xander: All I'm saying is that it isn't fair.
Spike: Life isn't fair, princess. (slaps the roller onto the wall)
Xander: I didn't even know they made Trading Spaces smocks in leather! (paints evenly and slowly)
Spike: Yeah, well, that's not really a shock, is it? Could fill the Royal Library with what you don't know.
Xander: (still rolling evenly) Think so? I know one thing.
Spike: Oh? And what would that be?
Xander: *You're* going to have splotches.
(Spike rolls his eyes)
(There's a long pause where they do nothing but paint. Spike seems to be being a little more careful now.)
Xander: Say, what color do you think this is?
Spike: Green.
Xander: Really? I'd have said gold.
Spike: Wait a tick, now it looks black.
Xander: Purple.
(They both stop painting and step back from the walls. They look at it thoughtfully.)
Xander: You know, as a connoisseur of creepy, I would have to say that this color is. creepy.
Spike: That's the technical term, is it?
Xander: (defensively) Well, I dumbed it down a little so that you could follow me. Technically, a color like this would be referred to as: really, really, really, creepy. (He grins) Or, as Willow used to call it, 'Cordelia creepy'. (nostalgic pause) Good times.
Spike: (cocks his head to one side, still looking at the wall) Funny you should say that. I was just thinking that the tint reminds me of this girl I knew once.
Xander: I'm not going to ask.
(pause)
Xander: (hopefully) Her eyes were this color?
Spike: Nah. Other bits.
Xander: (starts to knock his head against the wall but stops just before his hair touches the paint) Why, oh *why* don't I ever listen to me? Don't ask Spike questions. Don't leave Anya at the altar. Don't eat that last fudge bar. It'd be one thing if I was a masochist, you know. At least then I could *enjoy* the pain.
Spike: So sure you're not? (raises his eyebrows) That's always been my theory. Exhibit one: Cordelia. Exhibit two: Anya. Exhibit three. Yeah, I don't think I need to go on. We could prove it, o' course.
Xander: (warily) How?
Spike: (smiles slowly) I'm thinking some whips, some chains, some razors. we could clear this right up. Take a load off your mind.
(Xander stares at him.)
Doug: (offscreen) I hear talking, but I don't hear painting!
Xander: Isn't he-
Spike: Downstairs. Yeah.
Xander: And how did he hear-
Spike: Don't know.
Xander: Should we be worried?
(Spike shrugs in a way that implies that he was torturing people a hundred years before television was invented, Doug doesn't scare him one bit, and he could rip Doug into ten roughly equal-sized pieces but chooses not to for the moment. He freezes in mid-shrug.)
Xander: What?
(Spike slaps the roller against the wall quickly.)
Spike: (hisses) He's coming up the stairs!
(Xander smiles, then grins, then starts to laugh)
(Sound of footsteps in the hallway)
Xander: Eep. (He starts rolling out the paint on the walls. Spike smirks.)
(Doug enters the room. He's dressed all in black, and is smiling. Really, really smiling. His smile is twice the size of his face.)
Doug: Why is the window closed? (He crosses to the window and throws it open, letting in a gust of wind that blows Xander's smock up into his face. Spike's leather smock is undisturbed.)
Xander: I've gone blind! (The smock falls away from his eyes, leaving him face to face with the wall. He makes a strangled noise in his throat and stares.)
Spike: You want to paint something, mate? Walls not going to paint itself.
Xander: (still staring at the wall) Bet?
Doug: (looks at them and his smile drops away) Don't close the window again. (He blinks and the smile is back) So what do you think of the color?
Xander: Does the phrase 'terrifying beyond all reason' mean anything to you?
Spike: Maybe if we saw the plans for the room.
Doug: (laughs merrily) Oh, we don't need to do that. It's not like you have any say in it, right? Although, now that we're on the subject, if you could pick a fight with me in about an hour, that'd be great. I need to be off the set for a while.
Xander: Couldn't you just leave?
Spike: No problem, Doug.
(Doug's smile gets broader as he smiles at Spike. Spike takes a step back.)
Doug: Thank you, Spike. (He pulls a small can out of the bag and puts it down on the drop cloths.) You should be getting to the trim soon, and I want you to use this color, okay?
Xander: O-
Doug: And don't close the window. (He leaves, and takes his smile with him. Or maybe it's the other way around.)
Xander: (finishes) Kay. (He looks at Spike.) *Now* should we be worried?
Spike: Just keep painting.
Xander: (frowns) And that's another thing. Since when are you Mr. Agreeable?
Spike: Don't know what you're talking about.
Xander: (mimics Spike, which filtered through Xander sounds an awful lot like Kermit the frog.) 'No problem, Doug. oh, maybe if we saw the plans, Doug. Doug, did you get the fan letters I sent you? They were the ones with the bloodstains and the little hearts over the I's?'
Spike: Shut it.
Xander: (still in the Kermit voice) Ooh, Doug. (breaks off when he catches sight of the paint can Doug left behind.) Hey, Spike?
Spike: (without looking around) Right. I'm getting the razors.
Xander: Did you look at this paint can?
Spike: (turns around and pauses) Huh.
Xander: It's very shiny, isn't it? (cocks his head to one side) Is... all that... normal?
Spike: Don't know, do I? You know how it is... between murdering and ending the world and plotting to kill you and all your friends, there never seemed to be the time for decorating.
Xander: (still staring) The curse of the modern vampire, trying to have it all. Blood. Vengeance. Window treatments.
Spike: Actually, now that I think about it, Dru once did something along those lines.
Xander: (can't seem to look away from the can, which is still off screen) Oh yeah?
Spike: (thoughtfully) Yeah. Took her three prostitutes and the contents of a pet store. (shakes his head) She's a stickler for detail, my Dru.
Xander: (absent-mindedly) Mmm. Anya too.
(Spike looks at Xander. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks at the camera. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks back at Xander. Xander looks at the can.)
Spike: Right, that's it. I'm getting a smoke. (He stalks out of the room, the leather smock snapping around him.)
(Close up on Xander, looking at the can.)
(The bumper to commercial shows Paige climbing into a coffin. Doug runs quickly into frame and slams the lid of the coffin shut, then runs away. Sounds of banging and muffled shouts.)
(Cut to commercial.)
______ End Part Two Tell me what you think?
Hee. It's very wrong that I'm enjoying this as much as I am.