Summary:

The surviving crew of the Normandy have been rescued, but Liara has yet to recover from experiencing Shepard's death

Notes:

Welcome to the eighth story in Cari'ssi'mi.

If you've made it this far, you're certifiable!

There was light in the distance.

Liara had become indifferent to that light, despite the reaction it seemed to draw from her. She'd seen it before. Several times.

At first, the light had been hope. She'd believed it to be an end to this horrible loneliness, this longing, this hole she felt torn in her very being. So she'd chased the light, followed it. She'd moved through the horrible nothingness she found herself in as best she could, as she tried to reach it. Sometimes she'd gotten close enough that it was larger, almost a shape, possibly a figure. Each time however, it had left her behind even as she screamed at it. In those times she'd become fury incarnate as the nothingness dragged her back within itself.

*Shepard!*

Still the light returned, the recurrences begun so long ago. Months? Years? Liara had no idea. Time no longer had meaning to her. She knew she should be concerned about that, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

She would still rage against the light, however.

Especially now that the light had become torture, torment. The light was the only thing that Liara could sense, other than herself, and it refused to come close enough for contact. It couldn't be Shepard, Liara knew. Shepard would never abuse her so. The light existed only to tease her, to mock her efforts to break through, to make contact. No matter how hard she drove herself, the light could move just a little faster, could shift itself just a little further, until she felt herself being drawn back. Probably for the best she considered, as she would destroy it if she could.

She was almost convinced that it was was testing her somehow. When she was lucid, anyway. This was not one of those moments.

Again, she hurled herself towards the light, shrieking her fury.

.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.

Dr. Karin Chakwas looked up when the nurse entered.

She carried her exhaustion well as she straightened up from checking her patient's vitals. Liara's condition was unchanged, although Chakwas would be hard pressed to define what that condition was.

The last three days had been among the most devastating of Karin's Alliance career, even without the sleep depravation. She'd lost twenty one of her shipmates in the last seventy two hours. Twenty one patients. Twenty one friends, colleagues, and in some cases, loved ones. Twenty one names that she'd never forget. Her oath was to help others, and she hadn't been able to do a damn thing to save any of them.

But there would not be twenty two.

"Doctor?"

Chakwas suddenly realized she hadn't yet addressed the nurse nervously waiting in front of her. "Lieutenant?"

"They're arrived." No further detail was necessary, as there was no question as to who "they" were.

"Of course they have," she muttered. About damn time. She acknowledged the uneasy nurse with a nod, and the young woman hurried away at the dismissal. Asari matriarchs had a reputation. Some of it was earned of course, but Chakwas also knew that they weren't each the force of nature that other species might make them out to be.

Although it was a fact that some of them were.

She took a steadying breath as she glanced up at the chronometer over the door. For now, she was grateful to be putting it to use for something other than the purpose for which it had been placed, calling a time of death. Oh nine hundred. The asari had arrived exactly on time. No surprise there.

She allowed herself a small smile at that, her first in days. It was to be expected that a matriarch would dictate a precise timetable, and that her staff and acolytes, whoever they might be, would follow such scheduling rigorously. Karin glanced down at the blue form on the bed beside her and her smile widened as she placed her hand on her friend's shoulder. All species had stereotypes, but Liara was unique. Chakwas might never have known how timely asari could be if her experience with the race had been limited solely to her time with Liara.

Doctor T'Soni was a scientist's scientist. The maiden was diligent and exacting when it came to her research, her organization, and the management of her data. However, those traits didn't carry over to all aspects of the maiden's life. Even early on Liara had demonstrated an tendency to completely lose track of both time and her surroundings. She had improved somewhat under the military regimen imposed by her stay on the Normandy, but she was regularly the last to arrive to briefings, to PT, and often had to even be reminded to eat, unless it was Shepard doing the cooking.

Somehow Liara managed to never miss an opportunity to dine with Shepard.

Karin's face fell as the thought reminded her of the commander. Shepard's death was a tragic loss, a personal loss, and one that she hadn't yet allowed herself to feel. Those emotions would have to stay buried until she no longer had a patient depending on her. She already had a plan for when that time came. The plan involved her cabin, a bottle of brandy, and Lieutenants Alenko and Adams. Hers was a grief that fellow soldiers would understand. She craved the nonjudgmental support they would provide her, no matter how her grief might manifest itself.

Thank goodness for Liara. For now Karin's focus on her patient was all that allowed her to contain her grief to the far corners of her mind.

She looked around the room, as if seeing it for the first time. While she would normally take comfort from the familiar looking environment, now it was a strain on her already vulnerable mental state. The doctor had not left the Alliance medical center since her rescue, but even from Liara's room she could sense that the atmosphere of the entire station had changed. It was like a pall had fallen over all of Arcturus. The medical staff was subdued, none suggesting that she rest or leave her patient. Officers whispered in the corridors. Alliance personnel would glance through the open hatch, then hurry away without engaging her in conversation.

Hackett had visited that morning. Even he had demonstrated signs of the dour mood that had fallen over the station. Already not known for being overly conversational, the admiral had offered little after inquiring about Liara's condition. Chakwas' answer to his question about Liara's odds of survival had only elicited a silent nod from the man. He'd remained for a while, eyes never leaving the bed, before finally leaving with an order that he be informed of any change in the maiden's condition.

He hadn't mentioned the commander at all.

Unfortunately the odds that Chakwas had provided the admiral were based on little more than a gut feeling. She had no idea what was wrong with the young asari.

It wasn't that Karin hadn't been prepared for the eventuality of one of Shepard's team being critically injured. Her pride demanded she be able to care for any of her shipmates, regardless of species. Accordingly, as the commander's squad had become increasingly xenocentric, she'd immersed herself in the medical texts of Citadel races. Her knowledge gained on treating asari in particular was probably the most extensive of all the nonhuman species on the Normandy. Even without her vested interest, having a friendly asari in the next room had certainly helped her further her education. It wasn't that Liara seemed to be injured more often than her fellow squadmates, although she did, but Liara was her friend. The maiden held a special place in Chakwas' heart.

As well as in Shepard's.

But this, this condition, was outside both her experience, and her education. Chakwas had absolutely nothing to go on. Liara's vital signs were well within asari norms. The maiden gave no indication of anything being wrong with her at all, other than that any time she was close to consciousness she tried to obliterate the room she was in.

When the extranet and available medical texts were of no use, Chakwas had turned instead to her colleagues across Citadel space, asari and otherwise. No human or turian doctor who responded had been able to shed any light on Liara's condition. In fact, none could even confirm having observed anything like the symptoms that Chakwas had described. The only tentatively suggested triggers had been a head injury, something easily scanned for, or the collapse of Liara's eezonomic system, which would have been immediately life threatening. With both of those potential maladies discounted, no one had yet been able to suggest likely causes for Liara's condition.

None of her asari colleagues had responded at all. That concerned Chakwas more than anything else, particularly when she worried about what it might mean. Surely someone would tell her if Liara's life was in danger? Unless there was no hope? The asari were generally open with sharing information… until they weren't. Karin had hit a few of those walls in her career, and knew that penetrating them could be difficult at best.

Perhaps she should have discretely mentioned that her patient was Benezia's daughter. Doctor patient confidentiality was a sacred trust, but one Karin would throw out the window if it meant saving her friend's life.

Just when she's managed to rationalize a goodly amount of annoyance with the entire asari race, the door to Liara's room opened.

Karin could peripherally make out a pair of marines as they assumed positions on either side of the doorway. 'Escort', she decided, not truly guards. It wasn't like the Alliance had much to fear from Liara's family. There was also a harried looking lieutenant in the hallway. He was holding a handful of security badges that he had obviously not been able to get the asari he accompanied to wear.

He remained in the hall along with some other asari. Chakwas' ability to gauge the size of the party was impeded by the pair of matriarchs who entered the room, blocking her view. One of their companions closed the door behind them.

"Practitioner." Alaya was the first to speak.

"Matriarch Alaya," Chakwas responded with a nod. She decided that this was definitely a case where discretion was the better part of valor.

Alaya nodded in return, acknowledging Chakwas' recognition. "May we…" she indicated Liara's still form without additional pleasantries.

"Of course." Chakwas activated her omni-tool and stepped back to position herself at Liara's shoulder. She was shocked to recognize Sha'ira as Alaya's companion. The consort gave her a glance that might have been intended to comfort as she took position on the other side of Liara's bed, tenderly taking the young scientist's hand in her own.

Sha'ira looked back to Alaya, and received a curt nod from the other matriarch. Chakwas watched as the consort returned her attention to the maiden, her eyes snapping black as she entered a meld.

She stood motionless for several breaths. Karin grew increasingly nervous, but neither Sha'ira nor Liara demonstrated any sign of stress or discomfort.

After a period that was probably less than a minute, but felt far longer to the human, Sha'ira eyes resumed their normal hue and she turned back to address Alaya.

"It is as Denai suspected. You were correct to request that I come."

"Unfortunate, but not exactly surprising," muttered Alaya. She returned her attention to Dr. Chakwas. "You may go, Practitioner."

Karin spared a glance from her omni-tool, which had registered no change in Liara's condition during Sha'ira's meld with the maiden. "No." She winced slightly as she realized exhaustion might have made her slightly less than entirely polite in the tone of her reply.

Alaya seemed nonplussed at the human's response. The tall asari took a deep breath before reciting; "I am Matriarch Alaya, seneschal of House T'Soni. I am responsible for the wellbeing of the Maiden Liara, and we are here to take her home."

First volleys fired, Karen calmly met Alaya's gaze. "And I'm Dr. Karin Chakwas, Matriarch. Liara is my patient, and more than that, she's my friend. She's not leaving this room until I'm convinced that it creates no risk to her health."

"The asari embassy…" Alaya began.

"Has no authority here," finished Chakwas.

"You would hold our citizen against the will of her family? You would risk an interspecies incident?"

Chakwas' anger was no longer beneath the surface. "The woman Liara considered family was spaced in an unprovoked attack. You might share Liara's name, but Shepard held her heart." She waited for one of the two to reply, and when no response was forthcoming, she continued. "Look, I haven't slept for three days, but Liara isn't going anywhere until I know what's wrong with her, and that she's going to be all right."

Alaya indicated the door behind her. "I have physicians from Thessia with me. You need not concern yourself with Liara's welfare."

"Not good enough. Liara's welfare is my only concern."

"I am sworn to House T'Soni. You can trust that I will see to Liara's care. She is our heir. Nothing is more important to the household than her health."

"The only thing I trust, Matriarch, is that Liara isn't going anywhere until…" she paused as Sha'ira moved from Liara's side to join Alaya, placing a hand on the other matriarch's arm.

"Tell her." Sha'ira's words were subdued, but firm.

"No. This is not something to be shared with outsiders." Alaya turned to the matriarch at her elbow, fear showing in her eyes. "Are we too late?"

Sha'ira made a soothing noise. "No, all is well. We are not too late, although we should begin soon." She met Chakwas' angry stare. "And the doctor is not an outsider, are you?"

"Liara is my friend," the doctor reiterated.

"She is more than that, I think." Sha'ira's tone hardened. "You will not share what you learn this day."

"I can't promise that. If I need this information to care for my…"

"Enough!" Sha'ira's shout was as surprising as it was forceful. "I will grant you this. Your love for Liara is obvious. You would see her well," Sha'ira glanced at Alaya, "Or as well as she can be." Her attention returned to the human. "But you will not share this. I will have your word, or we will depart with Liara. It pleases me that Liara has people in her life that would come to her defense when she is unable to defend herself, and this discourse has added a pleasant diversion to a somewhat somber moment. Now is when you must make a decision. We both know that the Alliance will not hold Liara against a formal request from the asari government."

Chakwas deflated somewhat at that. "Fine. I won't share whatever it is that you tell me."

Sha'ira stood silently for a time, considering the browbeaten human.

"What?" Karin finally asked.

"I believe you," replied Sha'ira replied as she nodded in affirmation. When Chakwas cocked her head in confusion, Sha'ira continued. "A meld will not be necessary to confirm the truth of your promise." Before Chakwas had time to look offended, Sha'ira turned again to Alaya. "Tell her."

.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.

Alaya was still for so long that Chakwas thought the explanation might never come.

Eventually the matriarch stepped forward from the position she'd occupied since entering the room, slowly making her way to the space Sha'ira had vacated at Liara's side.

Matriarchs might be slow to decide, slow to act, and be known to take the long view, but the simple act of watching Alaya cross the room reinforced to Karin that matriarchs were not all of a kind.

While Sha'ira's movements had been equally precise, the consort radiated almost nothing of herself in her presence. The asari radiated calm and peacefulness. Chakwas found herself feeling slightly better just being in her company, and was surprised to see the smallest of smiles cross Sha'ira's face as she entertained the thought.

While Sha'ira might be all about what she could offer, Alaya's focus was on portraying what she was. She moved forward in the same sliding walk that the galaxy had come to know as the "matriarch glide". Had one not known that asari were bipedal, they could be forgiven the assumption that Alaya's floor length dress concealed wheels instead of feet. Her face was expressionless. Neither friend nor foe would find Alaya's opinions or beliefs on display to be assisted or used against her.

Although she had only seen vids, Chakwas was reminded of Matriarch Benezia. She wondered if the imitation was deliberate.

Alaya stood over Liara for a moment, finally taking her hand as Sha'ira had done before turning to the human doctor.

"What is her condition?"

It was all Chakwas could do not to roll her eyes and shout. She reminded herself that there was nothing she could do if Alaya was going to drag this out. She couldn't let her frustration jeopardize Liara's care.

"Given that I don't know what's wrong with her, I can't say for certain. Her vitals are strong. She's hydrated and nourished. Liquid eezo was a little hard to come by, but I couldn't just give her her regular supplements, could I?" She met Alaya's eyes to remind the matriarch of what she was waiting for. "It isn't like I could just wake her up and ask her to take her pills."

Alaya's tone took on an edge. "You've surpressed her biotics?"

"Of course not. Humans might be late to the party but I do know better than putting a sedated patient on biotic suppression. Eezo's just too useful, the body finds all kinds of ways to supplement biological functions with it." When Alaya nodded in agreement, Chakwas continued. "Her biotic outbursts were a symptom, but I wasn't going to risk her going into respiratory arrest unless I knew what they were a symptom of. Keeping her sedated seemed like the best path to follow until you arrived." She met Alaya's gaze challengingly.

"You've done the right thing, even in your ignorance," she raised her hand. "I mean no disrespect. What you face is not common even in the Republics. It comes from an earlier time. A time when we were a different people, and when we knew less about ourselves than you know about us now."

"Liara is not ill, in the sense that she suffers from no disease," continued Alaya. "She has undergone eherihohire'na. It is not something that happened to her, it is something that she has done to herself."

.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.

Chakwas waited after Alaya's bombshell, but the matriarch showed no inclination to continue.

She couldn't wait any longer. "What do you mean she did it to herself? Was it out of grief?" Her voice lowered, not wanting to be heard in the hall outside. "Was it a suicide attempt?"

Alaya turned her head to Sha'ira, seemingly unwilling or unable to continue. The other matriarch nodded in acceptance of the unspoken request, stepping forward to address the doctor.

"Liara brought this upon herself, yes, but it was not deliberate."

Chakwas relaxed, the urgent tension draining out of her shoulders as her exhaustion returned. "I still don't understand," she was too tired for her frustration to show its full strength.

"Liara is very young…" began Sha'ira.

"Believe me, I know," interrupted Chakwas. "I must have heard 'I'm only 106' five times a day for the last six months. She's done very well for herself despite that."

"I am not commenting on her youth in relation to her skills, education, or abilities, but rather her life experience. Liara is truly very young. Veryyoung," Sha'ira emphasized. "Liara is an accredited scientist and Head of a Great House at an age when most maidens are busily distracting themselves by embracing a hedonistic lifestyle. For reference, the youngest members of my court are more than twice her age. I don't know if any human can be fully cognizant of how far Liara stands apart from the maiden norm."

"OK," Chakwas nodded, "I get it. She's unique."

"She is unique, and the circumstances of her life are unique."

Chakwas waited for Sha'ira to continue.

"The 'wild maiden years' that young asari are known for do serve a purpose. It is a time in our lives when we embrace the possible. While Liara spent this period learning about the universe she inhabits, most asari are learning about themselves."

"Through overindulgence."

"So it might seem," conceded Sha'ira. "However, this time permits most young asari to prepare themselves to better manage the later phases of their lives."

"So Liara's in trouble because she never became a dancer?" Chakwas' incredulousness was beginning to show.

"Liara's condition," Sha'ira stressed the word, "results from the fact that she met what you might call 'the great love of her life' at an age when many asari could consider her a child."

"So now this is Shepard's fault?"

"No, no." Sha'ira's voice exuded the calming tones she was known for. "The timing was at fault. The intensity of Liara's emotions were at fault." The consort glanced at Alaya before continuing. "Benezia's failure as a parent is at fault."

Chakwas couldn't help but notice that surprisingly, Alaya did not rise to Benezia's defense.

"It is difficult to understand why we would conceal such a malady without some context," Sha'ira continued with the tone of one teaching a lesson. "The asari are considered by many to be the most powerful race in the galaxy, but that position is a precarious one. Our navy is known for having the most powerful ships, but we are not a militaristic people. A listing of the galaxy's great military strategists includes no asari. The asari commando is held up to Citadel space as the archetype of the soldier, but no contingent of commandos has ever turned the tide of a major interspecies war. Asari are portrayed as preeminent diplomats, bringing resolution to conflict across the galaxy. In fact, the asari are credited with ending your own First Contact War. Yet we do so not through the craft of negotiation, but by our control of the galactic eezo markets. 'As goes Thessia, so goes the Council,' exists not because of our skillful leadership, but because it is impossible to wage a modern war without element zero."

Sha'ira allowed a moment for her words to sink in. "So you can see why the asari would choose to not draw attention to another area where we might be considered weak or fragile, that being in matters of the mind, and our ability to meld."

Sha'ira's eys took on a faraway look. "Once upon a time, to use a human phrase, the asari were a more warlike people. The fact that any asari can bear a child, combined with our long lifespans, created some regional population pressures and conflict over resources. These "wars" would hardly be considered skirmishes to humans or turians, but to us, they stand out in our history. The fighters most feared during these times were the amheloh'na, the warrior bonded."

"As you might guess, based on the number of asari who pursue careers as commandos or mercenaries, there are many asari who are drawn to the martial arts even today. Despite the numbers in which our maidens and matrons go to battle, the lessons of that time are why asari do not send bonded pairs into conflict to this day." Another glance at Alaya, who hadn't moved. "The reason is eherihohire'na, the rending of the bond."

"So Liara and Shepard were bonded, I get it. You're saying Shepard's death broke the bond and Liara's condition is the outcome." Chakwas tried not to let her building impatience show.

"No, you don't. You cannot, unless you have experienced it. Even having been intimate with an asari is not an adequate reference. The bond is to the meld as the meld is to a passing glance. Bonded pairs literally exchange parts of their selves with one another. They willingly give over part of that which makes them who they are."

"This is starting to sound more like religion than science. Giving an ineffable part of one's self to your lover sounds great for a romance vid, but it doesn't sound workable in fact. Asari bondmates separate all the time. Benezia was separated from her bondmate."

"Science and religion may not be mutually exclusive in this case. The tenets of siari come from our ability to share what, at the time, were thought to be our souls with one another. Also, translation and common usage are impediments in discussions with other species. There are many couples who consider themselves bondmates who are not bonded, although to your point, Benezia was bonded to her mate."

"So the bond can be ended."

"Yes, but not easily, not without preparation, and not without repercussion. Many asari who end a relationship with a partner to whom they've bonded typically choose to to physically separate to another system. The discomfort of not refreshing the bond will pass after a century or two if there is no contact between the bondmates."

"And when a bondmate dies?" Chakwas hated asking the question.

"That is what has happened here, and why bonded pairs do not face battle together. When an asari nears the end of her life, there is celebration and sharing. This also allows a bonded partner to prepare themselves for the ending of their bond even if they do not have the time to bring it to an end themselves. In battle, when a bondmate is injured or killed, the first instinct of an asari is to intensify the bond, to strengthen it. They will put every ounce of their mental ability into trying to save their partner."

"Which doesn't keep them from dying."

"The essence of an individual cannot continue without the body, no matter how much a bondmate might wish it so."

"So that's what happened to Liara."

"She tried to pull Shepard back from death, and experienced her bondmate literally being torn away from her, along with any parts of herself that she had imbedded in their pairing."

Chakwas' eyes were shining when she turned to look at her Liara on the bed. 'You poor thing.' She turned back to Sha'ira after a moment to collect herself. "That's terrible. This is instinctual in asari? That's why Liara couldn't stop?"

"There is an innate desire in asari to seek refuge in the bond during times of stress," Sha'ira agreed. "Some are able to overcome it, the rest are where our stories of amheloh'na come from."

"Your 'warrior bonded'."

"Yes. Primitive asari did not know why amheloh'na existed, but they did know how to create them. Simply kill a warrior's bondmate either before or during battle, and they would enter a state not dissimilar from a krogan blood rage. Combatants had a champion who was nearly impossible to defeat. Amheloh'na had enhanced biotics, felt little or no pain, and were impossible to reason with. A single amheloh'na might kill hundreds of enemy soldiers before being brought down under the combined forces of an enemy. They could be considered similar to your premedieval berserkers on Earth." She shrugged at Chakwas' horrified look. "They were a tactic of last resort."

"So you're telling me that Liara's one of these amhe-whatevers now?"

"Why is she sedated?" Sha'ira countered Chakwas' question.

"When she woke up she ripped the restraint bar off of her acceleration chair. I thought she was going to destroy the escape pod."

"If you hadn't been there to take action, she very well might have. Liara was already a powerful biotic. Her capabilities could be doubled at this point."

"I wish I'd known. Maybe I could have sedated her sooner, if there had been some indication…"

"It is likely that Liara herself was unaware of her bond, or of the risks it caused." Alaya interrupted quietly, without leaving Liara's side.

Chakwas joined Alaya, who continued to stare down at Liara. "She didn't know she was bonded? How is that possible?"

"Sha'ira was being… kind in laying the blame for Liara's condition at Benezia's feet. I am as much to blame as she. Possibly more so, as I was recently reminded by her fa… by someone close to Liara."

Chakwas looked askance at Alaya, but decided not to pursue the matriarch's slip for the time being. "Meaning?"

"Liara left home far earlier than a maiden should. Benezia did not pursue her, did not fulfill her obligation as Liara's parent to teach and guide her. It should have fallen to me to ensure that Liara was educated in her abilities, but instead I did what Benezia wanted, I stayed away." Alaya shook her head sadly. "They were so much alike, both so stubborn."

"In Benezia's defense, we have no idea how long she was indoctrinated. Keeping her distance might have saved Liara's life."

"Possibly," conceded Alaya. "And Liara never engaged in the 'hedonism' to which you referred, allowing herself to learn the nuance of the meld. Once she became involved with Shepard, she held nothing back. She gave herself to Sarah completely."

Karin allowed herself to smile at that, at her memories of the pair together, memories now tainted by grief. "If it makes you feel any better, it wouldn't have made a difference. They were meant for each other. Even if they were aware of the risks, it wouldn't have mattered. I don't think it would have occurred to them to try to limit their connection."

When Alaya didn't respond, Chakwas turned back to Sha'ira. "So what's next? Now that we know what's wrong with her, what do we do about it?" Seeing that the matriarchs were concerned but not distressed had done much to help restore Chakwas' own sense of calm. Exhausted or not, Karin was anxious to see her friend on the road to recovery.

Sha'ira took the side of Liara's bed opposite from Alaya and Chakwas. "You have done well, Practitioner," giving the human doctor her first compliment since the pair arrived. "Your 'sedation' was everything we could have hoped for. Liara's body has been preserved undamaged, and her mind has been mostly protected from having to deal with the trauma of her loss." She drew her hand tenderly down Liara's cheek. "Child," she whispered. "I would not have had you endure this."

She looked to Chakwas, finally answering her question.

"Now I must retrieve her."

A/N: Assumptions here include:

FemShep/Liara
Post ME2 beginning

Shepard is:
Colonist / Vanguard / War Hero

As always, feedback is welcome and desired
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