A/N: I have a conscience you know. So… I have to trigger warn this chapter for physical and mental abuse. Okay? Sorry about that. I hope you will forgive me.

Chapter Five

The feeling of Jade's lips lingered on mine, her hands on the small of my back. I wanted that sweet and fuzzy feeling inside to keep me safe, to give me strength. Still my legs, trembling out of worry, carried me along the lit-up street. And slowly but surely that warm feeling I had earlier was replaced by an unfriendly, biting cold. The streetlights ahead of me made the asphalt shimmer in the dark night. I didn't dare to look at the time. I also didn't dare to not do so. Either the knowledge of the time would scare me to no end or prepare me for the nightmare that was to come.

The door was unlocked and the handle was made out of unwelcoming, cold, brass. But my definition of Jade as a black hole had not been fair. She wasn't an inhumane force that swallowed everything in her presence. She provided warmth, love, and a feeling of purpose. The man, behind that door, sitting in his armchair surrounded by bottles, he was a black hole. This house was a black hole, and at that moment I couldn't turn back, I was being sucked in. It was like a roller coaster that I couldn't get off. When everything was good I couldn't remember things ever being bad, and when things were bad I only wished for the good. I couldn't stop myself from hoping. Maybe tonight would be different. Maybe this time he'll represent the man I fell in love with. The man, I convinced myself, he still was on the inside.

"There you are…" Daniel slurred. He could barely focus his eyes on me where I stood in the hallway. My preconceived notion of his whereabouts was right. He sat, as usual, deep down in his armchair with a half empty bottle of beer in his hand.

"Yes, here I am…" I walked into the living room and the stench of beer hit me. And the smell of something else, something stronger. I believed it was whiskey, or brandy.

He emptied the bottle of beer and dropped it on the wooden floor. It made an unpleasantly loud noise when it hit the floor, but it didn't break. Instead I followed it with my gaze as it rolled underneath the sofa. I hated that floor. It was as uneven as only poorly renovated houses floors were in England. The old houses were so crocked that a parquet flooring could never be put in flat, and if it somehow worked it only needed a year or two to turn into a stormy ocean. That was one reason to opt for carpet.

"Where have you been? I've missed you, you know." Daniel's voice softened.

I didn't move a muscle. And I felt how I shrank where I stood. I kept my gaze pinned down onto the floor. Every time I looked at it I found a new crack. "You've been drinking again…"

That was a sore spot, and I knew it. Thunder came crashing down, "look at me, and answer my question!"

I had to gathered all of my strength to meet his gaze that now had firmed up. He was standing tall in front of me, suddenly seeming quite sober. The light from the lamp on the windowsill made him look like a shadow, no visible expression, nothing but a human form. He was handsome, or at least he used to be, tall and graceful in his appearance. "I'm sorry, but I'm here now." I took a deep breath and walked past him to start gathering the bottles from the coffee table.

His voice towered over my head as he spoke, "where have you been? Have you been seeing someone?!" He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around right as I was about to pick up the bottle from the floor, "I said look at me!"

I dropped all three bottles I had gathered in my arms and my hands instinctively raised to shield my face. "No, I haven't, I'm so sorry I'm late." I heard how the bottles were rolling away from me. "Let me just clean this up and then let's go to bed. Okay?"

Daniel turned his face away and massaged his temples with a loud sigh. "You know I'm only worried, right?"

"Yeah, of course I do." And suddenly I believed him. I lowered my hands and began standing up slowly.

"But then why are you late?" He asked quietly into the palm if his hand before grabbing his own chin. He didn't even give me a second to think before he hit me with full force, straight across my face, with his left hand. "Answer me!"

He never hit me where it couldn't easily be covered up, so this one came as a surprise. The shock minimized the impact and somehow I got strength from it. I stood up and yelled from my core, the adrenaline pumping, "I was meeting up with a friend from high school!" I didn't know how loud I had been since his hand had hit my right over my ear and left me with a deafening ringing noise.

"So, you did see someone, you lied to me!" I saw a fire in his eyes, the daze from the alcohol was gone.

This time I was prepared, and this time I had provoked him to start beating me. I should have known better than to scream at him, so I huddled into a ball and hid my face behind me knees, waiting it out. I knew that I could have said that she was only a girl, and not a man. His jealousy was mainly directed towards other men. But I couldn't say that, because that would imply that I hadn't met someone I felt attraction to, which was another lie. And lies are toxic, they snowball, and you will never know where they end up. I felt how old bruises blended with new ones, merged into bigger, bluer, bruises, and then I stopped counting seconds. He was using me as a human punching bag. All I heard was how he yelled at me, calling me every name in the book. Behind my closed eyelids I could feel how tears welled up.

And then it stopped.

It stopped as swiftly as it had begun. I didn't dear to move for a good few minutes. But when I did look up he was on his knees in front of me, tears rolling down his cheeks. He looked at me behind watery eyes, resembling an unbelievably sad puppy dog. "I'm so sorry… I ca-" His voice cracked. "I can't believe I did this. You know I'm better than this." He bent over and hugged me where I sat. "Right? You know I love you."

The warmth from his hug was comforting, real and honest. I melted. Behind my own tears I whispered, "yes. I know."

We sat like that for a good thirty minutes, embracing. When he finally let go of me he walked straight to kitchen and returned with a bag of peas and a kitchen towel. He gently wrapped the bag of frozen peas inside the towel and held it against my right eye. "What have I done to you? I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that." I couldn't bare seeing him so destroyed because of me, the power I had over him was killing me. I was the one not good enough for him. Only someone that was truly evil would make someone go through the pain he had to go through each time I wasn't there for him. All I could say was, "I'm sorry."

"I know." His free hand took mine and pulled it to his lips and he kissed the back of it. "I'll stop drinking, I really will this time. I promise." The genuine regret in his voice warmed my heart. And then he slowly turned into the man I knew I loved. I gently pushed the bag of peas and his hand away from my face. With both hands I cupped his face, feeling his strong jawline between my palms.

Everything happened automatically, from the kiss to the ritual of removing the clothes, from him taking control to me surrendering to his strength. It was like that movie you watched thousands of times when you were a kid but then somehow forgot, only to find it again years later. It was nostalgic, new and old at the same time. This was my confirmation, the confirmation that I needed to know that everything was going to be okay. That we were going to be fine. His warm kisses on my neck, his strong arms around my waist and his firm hands on my back was all so familiar. And yet, it felt as if I hadn't experiences it like that for months. It had been ages since the last time he felt so soft, usually it was him calling the shots and me just wishing it to be over and done with. But this time was different… it felt just like the last time it was different…

I didn't need to climax, not that I ever did. But this time I didn't even feel sorry about it. The sex had only been for him physically. But it had meant the world to me mentally. We sat on the sofa in the living room. He held my hands between his and smiled one of his charming, warm smiles and said, "we could go travel again, you know like we did that first summer." He kissed my hands and then placed them close to his heart. "Where would you like to go?"

After a few seconds of thought I answered, "I would love to visit Australia". Memories began to make themselves remembered as we sat on the sofa, talking about traveling. We had gone interrailing that first summer when we fell in love. We visited most of Europe's big cities. Cities like Paris, Barcelona, Berlin and Rome had been ticked off my bucket-list. It was his adventurous side that had me falling for him in the first place, he had been exciting, like a breath of fresh air. He worked as a banker and that gave him the financial freedom to whatever he pleased. He was also almost ten years my senior which meant that he had provided me with the same financial freedom at the tender age of twenty. Finding someone that both had the money and the appeal at that age had been too good to pass up on.

Daniel examined me with concerned eyes. He let his thumb gently touch the surrounding area of my bruised eye. "Australia it is then." He leaned forward and kissed my head. "Maybe you should go to sleep now."

I did as I was told and walked up the stairs as he stayed behind, still sitting in the sofa.

Before I disappeared upstairs I heard him say, "I love you, you know."

I stopped and took a deep breath before I answered, "I know. love you too."

A/N: Okay, first, glad to have you read my story. And second, I'm so sorry for this chapter. I'm sorry to be gone for long periods of time and then hit you with things this. I hate this as much as anyone. But I hope that you can see it from Tori's point of view. I'm not saying it's good or right. But at the same time I find it a very important story to tell. Physical abuse is one thing, but mental abuse is maybe even worse. Tell me how you perceive this chapter, both good and bad.

PS. If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, please seek help. There are ways to regain control of your own life. Unfortunately no easy quick fixes. But there's help out there, okay?