"In the Nosgothian justice system, the people are represented by two
separate yet equally important groups - the police who investigate crime,
and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. Of course, as Kain
is the dictator of Nosgoth, their efforts mean squat, but what are you
going to do? These are their stories."
The scene is a court room. Raziel is the prosecutor, Kain is the defendant, judge, jury, and the audience in general. A bit of a lopsided case, really.
Raziel: I put it to you, Kain, that a thousand years ago, you did rip the wings off your innocent victim, Raziel...
Kain: Objection! Sensationalism!
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: Grrr...Kain, did you rip off my wings?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: And cast me into the abyss?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: And wipe out my clan.
Kain: Perhaps.
Raziel: Objection - evading the question!
Kain: Over-ruled.
Raziel: And you set me up to go through millions of Block Puzzles!
Kain: Objection - irrelevant.
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: Quit doing that!
Kain: Objection - Raziel's ugly.
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: I'll kill you!
Kain: Objection - I feel bored.
Kain: Sustained. Raziel, your case is thrown out...as are you.
Kain throws Raziel out of the building.
Kain: Next up - Kain v Hash'ak'Gik...again.
Kain: Geez, Hash, get over it. It's three thousand years and seventeen court cases later. You're not going to pin that murder charge on me, and that's that!
But getting back to the story...
Raziel is standing on the threshold of the Cave of the Oracle (Who is not at all related to Moebius, no matter what you...)
Raziel: Oh no, we're not doing that again. That got old back in Blood Omen 1a! Besides, everyone knows that the Oracle and Moebius are the same guy.
And the Faith Healer.
Raziel: Nope. That was a one-off joke of your own. Now, to begin the voice- over...The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred. Moebius played the role of a doddering soothsayer, a senile old fortune-teller, a stupid, stumbling, inbred, cretinous half-wit whose brain was so defective that...
Moebius: Hey!
Raziel: Sorry. Anyway, he was stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions to gullible visitors. Underneath the facade was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time and to kiss the ass of giant squids. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant... though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex with much more expensive wallpaper. I sensed that Kain was here, though I didn't recall getting hunting powers from any of my brothers, and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.
Oh. Alright. A hole spitting hellfire and brimstone opens up beneath Raziel, who starts to plummet.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!!!!
Eeep! Sorry! Raziel is now back in the Cave. A few steps in, he finds a statue of Moebius.
Raziel: (VO) This, I deduced, must be the man himself - the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits. In fact, he seemed like a weedy little brat that would make a deposit of waste fluids on the floor between his legs before putting up a fight. I predicted that he wouldn't have caused me any problems at all even if he had still been alive to bother me. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power...no, no it didn't. Not really. It was about as threatening as an old washcloth. I was just trying to be dramatic.
Raziel's exploration of the cave isn't really all that interesting, so we'll have a little diversion. Now then, let's see how much innuendo we can shove into a scene of LoK, shall we?
The scene is a large bedchamber. Raziel is sitting here, and Ariel is also here, sans-mobile phone for once. Raziel has the Reaver activated.
Raziel: Hi there, Ariel.
Ariel: Hi Raz. Wow, I have to say, that's a big weapon you've got there!
Raziel: Thanks, but it's not the size that makes it impressive. It's the sheer power, plus how I use it. Watch this.
Raziel shoots a Reaver Projectile out, which blasts away a load of junk lying on the floor.
Ariel: Oh my...you shot your load all over the place! You're so masterful with that!
Raziel: Practice, that's all. I've had loads of practice with my weapon. I can get it going with one hand now!
Ariel: Ever used it on a person?
Raziel: Oh yes, I've thrust it into a lot of people.
Ariel: Is it hard?
Raziel: Nah. It's so powerful, it can penetrate with ease!
Enter Umah.
Umah: Hi there guys. Geez, Raziel, quit waving that thing around!
Raziel: Sorry, just showing it to Ariel.
Umah: Well...I can see why you're proud of it. Hey, is that thing pulsing?
Raziel: I've been jabbing it at people too much. It's getting over-excited.
Umah: Hey, look who's here!
The rest of the female LoK cast arrive, being Azimuth, DeJoule, the Seer...er...well, that's about it. Makes you realize how few girls there are in Nosgoth. We'll throw in the Biscuit Woman to make up the numbers.
Raziel: Hi guys. Come to join in our little threesome?
Seer: Perhaps. Or maybe we all just came...
Azimuth: Hee hee!
Seer: ...to kill you...to gang up on you.
Raziel: You mean a gang-bang?
DeJoule: That would be unfair, you wouldn't stand a chance in such a fight. Maybe we'll attack in teams of two. You can handle some double-teaming, right?
Biscuit Woman: Biscuit! Biscuit!
Azimuth: Shut up.
DeJoule: Hey, cool Reaver! Can I touch it?
At that point, the Reaver takes control, sick of being part of this scene, and starts pounding on all present...
**************************************************************************** ******
POINTLESS TRIVIA MESSAGE
The above scene was truly terrible, though not as terrible as the TV adverts they shove out nowadays...
**************************************************************************** ******
Raziel discovers a long passage with a series of strange portals, though at first he doesn't understand their significance, for he is currently distracted...
Raziel: I am never, EVER doing that innuendo thing again! GOT IT?!?
Raziel throws up, then finally notices the first portal.
Raziel: What the hell's this? A mini-game?
The first portal shows Raziel being revived in the Chamber of the Elder God.
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable fanfic...what trickery is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of Time itself. Moebius was frustrated by the total lack of Video Recorders in Nosgoth, so he used he powers to create these portals in order to watch TV programmes past, present and future at his whim.
Raziel: But there's no such thing as television programmes in Nosgoth.
Elder God: Moebius never was the sharpest sword in the armory.
The next portal shows Raziel in the Tomb of the Sarafan.
Raziel: Been there, done that, seen the Portal, bought the T-shirt...
Raziel takes off his t-shirt stating "I discovered my true origins in the Tomb of the Sarafan, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" and moves on. The next portal shows Kain shattering the Reaver over Raziel's head.
Raziel: Ouch...that looks even more painful from this angle.
Next, we see Raziel and Kain square off in a boxing match.
Raziel: Has all this been foretold? Damn, the Portal doesn't show the end of the match. I was going to place a large bet...
Next, Raziel strikes down Ariel with the Reaver.
Raziel: No! This cannot be! Unless...Ariel finally went too far with that mobile phone running gag...
The next Portal shows Raziel with the Reaver, glowing black and red.
Raziel: You know, most of this stuff is pretty generic. And everyone knows that the story was changed to make Soul Reaver 2, so none of this'll actually happen anyway!
The next Portal shows Raziel, Kain, Moebius and Janos Audron dressed up in various fancy dressed costumes singing "YMCA" in front of a crowd of women.
Raziel: Ah, last year's LoK Convention...KainCon!
The next Portal shows a gigantic Kain holding a struggling Umah in his giant hand, while climbing a skyscraper.
Raziel: I know this. It's Kain's first attempt at a movie career - Kain Kong!
Next, we see Kain in an apron showing how to cook Blood Pie.
Raziel: Kain Can't Cook...OK, this is getting stupid now.
The next portal shows Raziel lost in an endless maze of Block Puzzles.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel runs past all the other portals and through the doors at the end of the corridor (literally - he didn't stop to open them). When he looks up from the chunks of broken door, he sees Kain looking at him with one eyebrow raised.
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you'd make a much funnier parody. Tell me, did it trouble you to go through all those Block Puzzles?
Raziel kicks Kain in the testicles.
Kain: NNNNNNNNNNNNNN.......I'll take...that as..."yes"...
Raziel: So, are we going to just cut and paste the scene from the beginning of Soul Reaver 2a?
Kain: No, that would be the easy way out.
Raziel: This entire series of parodies has been nothing but taking the easy way out! We're going to be stuck doing this for all eternity at this rate!
Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel, just like American soap operas. When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I was arrested and spent three weeks doing community service. Also, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel. To see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But then, after the sex change, I saw it all so clearly. Of course, Simon Templeman's voice didn't fit then, so I switched back. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like omnipotent amoebas? And as such, are we not indivisible, and asexual? As long as a single one of us stands and splits, we are legion. That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to bring out my Red Eyes Black Dragon, I can do so with a clear heart.
Raziel: Er...right...very poetic, Kain, and not at all legible, but in the end, you offer no more than a convenient rationalization for your crimes.
Kain: That's all I need. These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look, and who pay a donation to the Charity of Homeless Vampires. In your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough, or paid enough out of your salary. Our futures are predestined. Moebius foretold mine a millennium ago, just before I lopped his head off. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre- ordained paths. Free will is an illusion.
Raziel: I didn't follow any of that, and seeing as I don't understand it, it's obviously not important. I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed. What were you doing in that Teletubbies costume? Also, how could you transform a Sarafan priest into a vampire?
Kain: Well, first I took their bodies, then I imbued them with a portion of my Vampiric essence...oh, wait, you meant how could I morally. How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel, and his enemies even closer. And sexy Goth chicks even closer, but that's off the subject. Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same, Sarafan and vampire. With our holy wars, our obsession with Nosgoth's domination, our regular visits to seedy brothels...who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil, and who happened to be there with decent fighting skills?
Raziel: I will not applaud your clever blasphemy...well, maybe once. **claps** The Sarafan were saviors, defending Nosgoth from the corruption that we represent. I know, I read it on the back of a box of cereal. My eyes are opened, Kain. I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!
Kain: Your corpse didn't protest at the time.
Raziel: It was dead!!!
Kain: Nitpick, nitpick.
Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain.
Kain: Better than being lost in a maze of Block Puzzles.
Raziel: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!
Raziel charges Kain and hits him three times with the Reaver. The third time, he makes Kain's pants fall down, to the delight of the female fans. For the male fans...well, there isn't much, but they can read the innuendo scene with all the girls talking dirty again if they want.
Kain: You almost had me, but this is not how or where it unfolds.
Raziel: Your trousers look like they're unfolding!
Kain: Oh, shut up!
Kain runs through the Portal. Raziel means to follow him.
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence.
Raziel: No I'm not - in Soul Reaver 2, you won't even have that line!
Elder God: Yeah, I guess...
Raziel runs through the Portal. He appears in a dark room. Moebius appears in front of him.
Moebius: Raziel...Redeemer and Destroyer...Pawn and Mssiah...
Raziel: Er...could you be a bit more specific, please?
Moebius: Welcome, time-spanned soul. Welcome...to your destiny...
Raziel: Er thanks. I...
Moebius: Hang on, I gotta do a voice-over. *ahem* Where Time is but a loop, a loose stitch in the Universal Cloth, a Streamer might sieze upon a chance, a fatal slip - and plunge the fate of planets into chaos...
Raziel: Great. So...what happens now?
Moebius: Well, we wait a while, then the next game is made.
Raziel: What?! What kind of ending is that?
Moebius: Ah, quit whining.
Raziel: Why you...I ought to...
Moebius: Behind you! A Block Puzzle!
Raziel spins around. Moebius hits him on the back of his head with his staff. He then turns to you.
Moebius: We shall continue this...in SOUL REAVER 2A!!!!! ... ...which was actually written a year or so ago. Well before this one. Well...yeah...good.
And entropy finally kind of catches up and everything sort of disappears.
Meanwhile, in another time and place, Turel, whom no one had bothered to inform about the changes made in the game, waited...and waited...
...and waited...
...and realized he'd survived the game and Raziel's wrath.
Turel: Woo-hoo!
The scene is a court room. Raziel is the prosecutor, Kain is the defendant, judge, jury, and the audience in general. A bit of a lopsided case, really.
Raziel: I put it to you, Kain, that a thousand years ago, you did rip the wings off your innocent victim, Raziel...
Kain: Objection! Sensationalism!
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: Grrr...Kain, did you rip off my wings?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: And cast me into the abyss?
Kain: Yes.
Raziel: And wipe out my clan.
Kain: Perhaps.
Raziel: Objection - evading the question!
Kain: Over-ruled.
Raziel: And you set me up to go through millions of Block Puzzles!
Kain: Objection - irrelevant.
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: Quit doing that!
Kain: Objection - Raziel's ugly.
Kain: Sustained.
Raziel: I'll kill you!
Kain: Objection - I feel bored.
Kain: Sustained. Raziel, your case is thrown out...as are you.
Kain throws Raziel out of the building.
Kain: Next up - Kain v Hash'ak'Gik...again.
Kain: Geez, Hash, get over it. It's three thousand years and seventeen court cases later. You're not going to pin that murder charge on me, and that's that!
But getting back to the story...
Raziel is standing on the threshold of the Cave of the Oracle (Who is not at all related to Moebius, no matter what you...)
Raziel: Oh no, we're not doing that again. That got old back in Blood Omen 1a! Besides, everyone knows that the Oracle and Moebius are the same guy.
And the Faith Healer.
Raziel: Nope. That was a one-off joke of your own. Now, to begin the voice- over...The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred. Moebius played the role of a doddering soothsayer, a senile old fortune-teller, a stupid, stumbling, inbred, cretinous half-wit whose brain was so defective that...
Moebius: Hey!
Raziel: Sorry. Anyway, he was stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions to gullible visitors. Underneath the facade was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time and to kiss the ass of giant squids. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant... though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex with much more expensive wallpaper. I sensed that Kain was here, though I didn't recall getting hunting powers from any of my brothers, and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.
Oh. Alright. A hole spitting hellfire and brimstone opens up beneath Raziel, who starts to plummet.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!!!!
Eeep! Sorry! Raziel is now back in the Cave. A few steps in, he finds a statue of Moebius.
Raziel: (VO) This, I deduced, must be the man himself - the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits. In fact, he seemed like a weedy little brat that would make a deposit of waste fluids on the floor between his legs before putting up a fight. I predicted that he wouldn't have caused me any problems at all even if he had still been alive to bother me. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power...no, no it didn't. Not really. It was about as threatening as an old washcloth. I was just trying to be dramatic.
Raziel's exploration of the cave isn't really all that interesting, so we'll have a little diversion. Now then, let's see how much innuendo we can shove into a scene of LoK, shall we?
The scene is a large bedchamber. Raziel is sitting here, and Ariel is also here, sans-mobile phone for once. Raziel has the Reaver activated.
Raziel: Hi there, Ariel.
Ariel: Hi Raz. Wow, I have to say, that's a big weapon you've got there!
Raziel: Thanks, but it's not the size that makes it impressive. It's the sheer power, plus how I use it. Watch this.
Raziel shoots a Reaver Projectile out, which blasts away a load of junk lying on the floor.
Ariel: Oh my...you shot your load all over the place! You're so masterful with that!
Raziel: Practice, that's all. I've had loads of practice with my weapon. I can get it going with one hand now!
Ariel: Ever used it on a person?
Raziel: Oh yes, I've thrust it into a lot of people.
Ariel: Is it hard?
Raziel: Nah. It's so powerful, it can penetrate with ease!
Enter Umah.
Umah: Hi there guys. Geez, Raziel, quit waving that thing around!
Raziel: Sorry, just showing it to Ariel.
Umah: Well...I can see why you're proud of it. Hey, is that thing pulsing?
Raziel: I've been jabbing it at people too much. It's getting over-excited.
Umah: Hey, look who's here!
The rest of the female LoK cast arrive, being Azimuth, DeJoule, the Seer...er...well, that's about it. Makes you realize how few girls there are in Nosgoth. We'll throw in the Biscuit Woman to make up the numbers.
Raziel: Hi guys. Come to join in our little threesome?
Seer: Perhaps. Or maybe we all just came...
Azimuth: Hee hee!
Seer: ...to kill you...to gang up on you.
Raziel: You mean a gang-bang?
DeJoule: That would be unfair, you wouldn't stand a chance in such a fight. Maybe we'll attack in teams of two. You can handle some double-teaming, right?
Biscuit Woman: Biscuit! Biscuit!
Azimuth: Shut up.
DeJoule: Hey, cool Reaver! Can I touch it?
At that point, the Reaver takes control, sick of being part of this scene, and starts pounding on all present...
**************************************************************************** ******
POINTLESS TRIVIA MESSAGE
The above scene was truly terrible, though not as terrible as the TV adverts they shove out nowadays...
**************************************************************************** ******
Raziel discovers a long passage with a series of strange portals, though at first he doesn't understand their significance, for he is currently distracted...
Raziel: I am never, EVER doing that innuendo thing again! GOT IT?!?
Raziel throws up, then finally notices the first portal.
Raziel: What the hell's this? A mini-game?
The first portal shows Raziel being revived in the Chamber of the Elder God.
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable fanfic...what trickery is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of Time itself. Moebius was frustrated by the total lack of Video Recorders in Nosgoth, so he used he powers to create these portals in order to watch TV programmes past, present and future at his whim.
Raziel: But there's no such thing as television programmes in Nosgoth.
Elder God: Moebius never was the sharpest sword in the armory.
The next portal shows Raziel in the Tomb of the Sarafan.
Raziel: Been there, done that, seen the Portal, bought the T-shirt...
Raziel takes off his t-shirt stating "I discovered my true origins in the Tomb of the Sarafan, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" and moves on. The next portal shows Kain shattering the Reaver over Raziel's head.
Raziel: Ouch...that looks even more painful from this angle.
Next, we see Raziel and Kain square off in a boxing match.
Raziel: Has all this been foretold? Damn, the Portal doesn't show the end of the match. I was going to place a large bet...
Next, Raziel strikes down Ariel with the Reaver.
Raziel: No! This cannot be! Unless...Ariel finally went too far with that mobile phone running gag...
The next Portal shows Raziel with the Reaver, glowing black and red.
Raziel: You know, most of this stuff is pretty generic. And everyone knows that the story was changed to make Soul Reaver 2, so none of this'll actually happen anyway!
The next Portal shows Raziel, Kain, Moebius and Janos Audron dressed up in various fancy dressed costumes singing "YMCA" in front of a crowd of women.
Raziel: Ah, last year's LoK Convention...KainCon!
The next Portal shows a gigantic Kain holding a struggling Umah in his giant hand, while climbing a skyscraper.
Raziel: I know this. It's Kain's first attempt at a movie career - Kain Kong!
Next, we see Kain in an apron showing how to cook Blood Pie.
Raziel: Kain Can't Cook...OK, this is getting stupid now.
The next portal shows Raziel lost in an endless maze of Block Puzzles.
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raziel runs past all the other portals and through the doors at the end of the corridor (literally - he didn't stop to open them). When he looks up from the chunks of broken door, he sees Kain looking at him with one eyebrow raised.
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you'd make a much funnier parody. Tell me, did it trouble you to go through all those Block Puzzles?
Raziel kicks Kain in the testicles.
Kain: NNNNNNNNNNNNNN.......I'll take...that as..."yes"...
Raziel: So, are we going to just cut and paste the scene from the beginning of Soul Reaver 2a?
Kain: No, that would be the easy way out.
Raziel: This entire series of parodies has been nothing but taking the easy way out! We're going to be stuck doing this for all eternity at this rate!
Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel, just like American soap operas. When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I was arrested and spent three weeks doing community service. Also, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel. To see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But then, after the sex change, I saw it all so clearly. Of course, Simon Templeman's voice didn't fit then, so I switched back. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like omnipotent amoebas? And as such, are we not indivisible, and asexual? As long as a single one of us stands and splits, we are legion. That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to bring out my Red Eyes Black Dragon, I can do so with a clear heart.
Raziel: Er...right...very poetic, Kain, and not at all legible, but in the end, you offer no more than a convenient rationalization for your crimes.
Kain: That's all I need. These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look, and who pay a donation to the Charity of Homeless Vampires. In your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough, or paid enough out of your salary. Our futures are predestined. Moebius foretold mine a millennium ago, just before I lopped his head off. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre- ordained paths. Free will is an illusion.
Raziel: I didn't follow any of that, and seeing as I don't understand it, it's obviously not important. I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed. What were you doing in that Teletubbies costume? Also, how could you transform a Sarafan priest into a vampire?
Kain: Well, first I took their bodies, then I imbued them with a portion of my Vampiric essence...oh, wait, you meant how could I morally. How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel, and his enemies even closer. And sexy Goth chicks even closer, but that's off the subject. Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same, Sarafan and vampire. With our holy wars, our obsession with Nosgoth's domination, our regular visits to seedy brothels...who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil, and who happened to be there with decent fighting skills?
Raziel: I will not applaud your clever blasphemy...well, maybe once. **claps** The Sarafan were saviors, defending Nosgoth from the corruption that we represent. I know, I read it on the back of a box of cereal. My eyes are opened, Kain. I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!
Kain: Your corpse didn't protest at the time.
Raziel: It was dead!!!
Kain: Nitpick, nitpick.
Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain.
Kain: Better than being lost in a maze of Block Puzzles.
Raziel: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!
Raziel charges Kain and hits him three times with the Reaver. The third time, he makes Kain's pants fall down, to the delight of the female fans. For the male fans...well, there isn't much, but they can read the innuendo scene with all the girls talking dirty again if they want.
Kain: You almost had me, but this is not how or where it unfolds.
Raziel: Your trousers look like they're unfolding!
Kain: Oh, shut up!
Kain runs through the Portal. Raziel means to follow him.
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence.
Raziel: No I'm not - in Soul Reaver 2, you won't even have that line!
Elder God: Yeah, I guess...
Raziel runs through the Portal. He appears in a dark room. Moebius appears in front of him.
Moebius: Raziel...Redeemer and Destroyer...Pawn and Mssiah...
Raziel: Er...could you be a bit more specific, please?
Moebius: Welcome, time-spanned soul. Welcome...to your destiny...
Raziel: Er thanks. I...
Moebius: Hang on, I gotta do a voice-over. *ahem* Where Time is but a loop, a loose stitch in the Universal Cloth, a Streamer might sieze upon a chance, a fatal slip - and plunge the fate of planets into chaos...
Raziel: Great. So...what happens now?
Moebius: Well, we wait a while, then the next game is made.
Raziel: What?! What kind of ending is that?
Moebius: Ah, quit whining.
Raziel: Why you...I ought to...
Moebius: Behind you! A Block Puzzle!
Raziel spins around. Moebius hits him on the back of his head with his staff. He then turns to you.
Moebius: We shall continue this...in SOUL REAVER 2A!!!!! ... ...which was actually written a year or so ago. Well before this one. Well...yeah...good.
And entropy finally kind of catches up and everything sort of disappears.
Meanwhile, in another time and place, Turel, whom no one had bothered to inform about the changes made in the game, waited...and waited...
...and waited...
...and realized he'd survived the game and Raziel's wrath.
Turel: Woo-hoo!