a/n: this has sat unfinished in my computer for literally years and i had no idea how to end it so if the ending is sucky, i'm sorry ;-; however, i hope you enjoy!

summary: He finds that he can't let go.

word count: 666

i

It is the rumble of the coffee maker; the three a.m. paces towards an undecided destination that ultimately leads back to the castle. A thought perhaps, or maybe the ticking of a clock.

Axel's acuity skills make up for his lack of anything else, and when the Organisation loses most of its members (and he cringes at the thought that Roxas is gone too), the world around him turns sharper and he is the dull blades of a knife on a cutting board that has lost the one thing that made it work.

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ii

Axel has a hard time adjusting to the new profound boredom that eats away at meaningless conversations shared between members, and the way it feels when he's forced to go on a mission alone and the closest thing to a laugh he can get is when his memories of Roxas and Xion are louder than the clinking of his Chakrams against heartless.

He is not okay with this. But his tongue has glued itself to the roof of his mouth and he pretends they are with him when it is the middle of the night and he is restless.

He is not okay with this and he knows he will never be okay with this.

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iii

"What were you thinking?"

Saix is angry; the tips of his ears are a boiled red and Axel thinks, if he looks hard, he can see the throbbing of Saix's veins in his forehead threaten to burst. But Axel is quiet, even calm, and maybe that is what angers Saix the most.

"You almost compromised our situation, Axel," Saix screams. "How upset do you think Xenmas would've been? How much do you think it would've taken to start from scratch? Don't be such a spoiled brat!"

Axel doesn't respond. He doesn't know how to. He stands there waiting for Xion to come running down the corridor, pleading that it wasn't Axel's fault or Roxas to come running right behind her, ready to fight a battle for Axel that he knows he won't win. He waits until he forgets why he's being chastised anyway.

"Do you even care anymore, Lea?" Saix's look softens but there is still the hardness on the edge of his voice that never quite fades. "Do you care what happens to all our hard work?"

"No," Axel says after a long pause. "Not since they left."

He turns to leave, and Saix doesn't stop him.

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iv

Some could say this is his descent into madness. He agrees.

He thinks – if he tries hard enough, if he focuses most of his energy and thought into it – maybe he can bring them back to the days they cherished most. The three of them, a clock tower, melting sea-salt ice cream, and the promise of friendship for the days after. It's all that's ever occupied his mind.

A stilled echo disrupts the quiet of his room. Maybe Xion and Roxas are sitting on his bed with him, smiling along to the happiness in his head. Or maybe they're not; maybe they're long gone, only revived for moments at a time because forever's don't exist.

But he forces himself to believe they're still there, even when their distant voices fade from existence.

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v

He considers leaving, mostly. Disappearing, just like they did. Escaping this castle full of sadness once and for all.

He could go anywhere; travel, see the world. Take the memories of them along with him. It's such a filling thought that on missions, he stretches the time between finishing and returning to the castle just to test how thrilling it would be to not have a place to belong, if even only for a second.

That's his plan. Eventually, eventually, he won't come back at all. He won't come back and he'll take Roxas and Xion along with him. For once they'll be happy.

For once, they'll be together until the end.

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end