Accidents happen, and sometimes by design. Naruto was determined to become a Genin, it was just his luck that this year they were being tested in the Kawarimi instead of the Bunshin due to a single lazy Admin-chuunin. Team Gai!Naruto, Maito!Lee (adoption yay), BAMF!everyone.

000

Chapter Eight

A medic team was already mustering by the time Naruto rushed his team through the main-gate. All three of them were taken into emergency care, and Naruto was collared by a team of Chuunin to immediately turn on heel and go straight back to Nobuyuki-san's farm. If it hadn't been for the fact that Kakashi-san had been the one to grab him, he would have fought them tooth and nail to stay with his team.

"Trust the medics. Let's go secure the client and what evidence we can get," the silver haired jounin said, skipping forward a single step before taking off at a run.

Naruto snarled, looking over his shoulder to where his team were being hustled off. His clones were still with them. And – the urge to kawarimi with one of them and take their place was so strong...

Gai-sensei would be shamed if he tried to shirk his duties, people would think he was a poor sensei.

The blond spat several vile words before he turned on heel and took off after Kakashi-san, the two Chuunin who usually manned the gate-desk bringing up the rear as another chuunin with his face covered in bandages, and a kunoichi with dark green hair took their place. He pulled up to the jounin and then overtook him in the tree-branches, surging on ahead of the group and ignoring the roads they took to get to the farm in his desire to get back, finish up, and then return to Konoha as quickly as possible.

None of them commented, thankfully, just kept pace with him until dawn broke across the horizon, Naruto's skin crawling with the awareness that his team could be dead by now and he had no idea if they were or they weren't – if he got them to the village in time. They vaulted into the eastern fields, speeding through smoky smelling crops and straight to the main-farm house.

Too impatient to dismantle the traps he'd laid out, Naruto spammed a handful of clones ahead of them to spring them all and allow them to rush through without hindrance.

The farm house was silent as the grave, and completely unchanged from when Naruto left.

Yamada was still unconscious, kunai sticking out of the back of his neck. Tetsu the Missing Nin was still sealed and tied up. Old man Nobuyuki was sat up to his kitchen table, silent and dazed. One of the clones had made a cup of tea for him, but it was sat cold and untouched at his elbow, and the three blonds were restlessly prowling the house on tenderhooks, half expecting Konoha ninja, half expecting more missing nin, or perhaps yakuza or other thugs working for Tetsu.

"My, my," Kakashi-san murmured as he knelt down beside Tetsu, "The Flint Tiger. A fairly well known B-rank missing nin from Iwa," the jounin announced for the benefit of their audience.

Naruto scoffed, "Well known for what? Being a wimp?" he demanded caustically as he folded his arms, "Can we hurry it up?"

Kakashi's eye creased in a smile at him, "Kotetsu, Izumo, what can you do for them?" he asked, nodding to the old man and Yamada.

The one with the bandage across his nose and the black porcupine hair shrugged a shoulder, toeing at Yamada, "Medic Nin'll have to remove the kunai in his neck if we want him to live long enough to be questioned."

"Shock," the brown haired one with the nice smile summed up from where he had been checking over old man Nobuyuki. "Little bit of blood-loss. He needs to see a doctor about those toes, and the cigar burns, but other than that no physical harm," he told them cheerfully.

Naruto huffed, "Can we go back now – please?" he tacked on as an after-thought, because Tenten told him that some people got a bug up their butt when you didn't have manners. He doubted Kakashi-san would care, but all the same, Naruto didn't want to embarrass him in front of other people and thus making the likelihood of his agreeing all the more UNlikely.

Kakashi ruffled his hair, "Not until we find the evidence."

"I already have the hydrangea stored, along with all his client information, trade routes, pick up times and dates, and stuff!" Naruto exclaimed, "I... couldn't find the poppy store though," he reluctantly ground out.

"I don't deal in poppy," Nobuyuki grunted, still staring at the wall as though he were a thousand miles away.

"Then explain the thresh in your field!" Naruto howled, pointing at him furiously, "I know what I saw!"

Nobuyuki just shook his head, "I don't deal in poppy," he repeated dully. Like a broken record.

Kakashi hummed, "Well, let's get these guys back to interrogation. Another team will be along shortly in order to comb the property, I'll make sure an Inuzuka is assigned."

And with that, the two assisting Chuunin summoned a few stretchers from their storage scrolls, and Naruto summoned a few more Bunshin to carry them, the group made their way back to Konoha with their prisoners – at long fucking last.

000

They survived. His team survived.

Naruto figured he could be forgiven for crying when he heard that piece of good news, they were all safe, bandaged up, hooked to respirators, and laid out in a team ward. It was a small room, built with four people in mind, white and pale blue, with white sheets and pale green blankets, hard wooden chairs, and tables on wheels. There was about five feet between each bed, and three of those feet were occupied by bulky equipment needed to maintain the respirators and monitoring equipment.

He spent three hours of the day at each bed, updating them on what was going on. He hadn't gone home yet, nor slept or bathed. He didn't want to leave until someone woke up, until he was certain that his team were okay.

Gai-sensei looked so old and tired in the medically induced coma the Doctor put him in.

Tenten is unchanged, she looked queasy and weirdly pale now after the vivid flush her skin had sported due to the smoke faded. But she still looked like Tenten, his bestfriend. (He might have spent more time with her than the others, just a little, and felt guilty for it as well, because he liked Gai-sensei too! And while he might have had his differences with Neji, that didn't mean he wasn't worried about his Hyuuga teammate! When he'd found them, Neji had his hand over Tenten's mouth and nose, and his arm was on top of her, he had tried to protect her before they passed out, that earned him major plus points in Naruto's book.)

Neji though, he looked scarily pale and fragile in his bed. Naruto didn't really have the words to describe it, but it unsettled him greatly to see his normally snotty and powerful teammate so still and quiet, and lax in sleep.

It was probably a good thing that Neji was in fact the first one to wake. Naruto had been sat at his bedside, knee jogging up and down with exhausted tension as he babbled an update, avoiding any actual looking at his teammate because of how profoundly unsettling it was to see him laid so low. Medics had managed to remove the kunai he'd jammed into Yamada's spine, he'd been carted off to Interrogation by the Gruesome Twosome – the two gate chuunin – who promised that he would get exactly what he deserved, along with his Iwa boyfriend. Old man Nobuyuki was still in shock, and with his feet mangled the way they were, it was unlikely he'd be able to run the farm properly anymore, he was still in questioning though so it was a toss up as to whether it would even be a problem or if he was going to be thrown into prison as an example to any other drug profiteers. An Inuzuka had been dispatched to the farm, along with some other investigative Chuunin under the command of a Jounin, they were going to find the poppy stores that Naruto hadn't been able to sniff out – though he was, like, eighty-five percent certain by this point that they weren't actually stored on the property because as angry as he was with the old bastard... He honestly believed him when he said that he didn't deal in poppies. He was in too much shock, dazed, incapable of even defending himself, and probably of lying at that. So, yeah, given what kind of attitude Yamada had, coupled with the old man's difficulties even getting to those fields along with the fact he didn't even tend them anymore, it was more likely the poppy was something his workers were doing under his nose.

"That's... where – you – went?" he heard Neji's voice rasp, and near enough leapt out of his skin.

"Neji! You're awake!" he spluttered, leaping to his feet and immediately fussing over the brunet, "Hold on, I'll go call the medic, you shouldn't be awake yet – no! Leave the mask! Your lungs are super bad, you need that to breathe!" he scolded, catching the Hyuuga's hand before he could pull his oxygen mask away.

Either he was too tired to try again, or he was actually being obedient, but regardless, by the time Naruto rushed back into the room with one of the medics from the nurses' station down the corridor, Neji was sat upright against his pillows, mask still in place.

The blond hovered nervously as the medic moved around him, checking his vitals, the monitoring equipment, running glowing hands up and down his body. Neji bore it with only a mild grimace, he was still somehow... diminished, but nowhere near as bad as he had been while unconscious. Instead of fragile, now he just looked slightly sick – and sulky. The medic however, was pleased with whatever progress that had been made in his sleep for combating the toxicity in his blood and flushing whatever was in his lungs.

"You'll be woozy and confused for a few more days. Keep the mask on, your lungs are a little inflamed and sore at the moment which is that chest pain you're feeling. Not surprising you're the first to wake, your female teammate has less body mass to help with the breaking down of the toxins within her system, she'll probably be waking up tomorrow. Maito-san inhaled more than was probably healthy, and he's not exactly young, his lungs have seen their fair share of damage so it's unlikely he'll be waking up before the day after tomorrow either," the medic explained as he adjusted the monitors and some of the drips and the ventilator.

"When will they be out?" Naruto asked anxiously.

Neji was the only one to see the way the man's face spasmed in disgust, he forced himself to smooth it out before facing the blond genin, "When they're ready to be released," he answered shortly before looking back to Neji, "I'll get the nurse to send you up something to eat, you've used a lot of energy during the healing process, you need to start regaining it."

And with that, he bustled off.

Remembering how the people in the markets looked at Naruto in that exact manner, Neji frowned at his teammate, "Did you – prank the h-hospital?" he rasped irritably.

The blond jerked and gaped at him, "NO!" he exclaimed angrily, "Pranking the Hokage Tower is one thing, but the Hospital? No! No, never. Just what do you think of – you bastard! I can't believe I was actually worried about you!" he snarled, an ugly flush crawling up his cheeks as he turned on heel and stomped off to go and sit next to Tenten, pointedly turning his head away.

Well, at least this meant Neji didn't have to deal with him and could rest. He ignored the small uncomfortable flutter of guilt in the pit of his stomach, and concentrated on his meditation.

000

It was something of a faux pas to kick someone out of a Team Ward when they were part of said team, but that didn't stop the medics and nurses coming in at eight to throw Naruto out with strict orders to go home and bathe – he wouldn't be allowed back into the hospital unless he did, now get out. He had wanted to rage, to snarl, and stay with his team, but one of the nurses squared her stance and narrowed her eyes in a way that reminded him of Iruka-sensei before stating that they needed rest, and so did he. Go home, have a bath, eat something damnit, get a full eight hours sleep, and tomorrow he would be allowed back in. But until ten am, she would personally prevent him from having access.

"So get your skinny butt back home, blondie. You look like death warmed over, and it's making my hands itch. Shoo," she commanded brusquely as she gestured him to the door.

Naruto grimaced and slowly shuffled away.

"Riruka, was that wise? Surely we could just bar the brat from – " one of the nurses muttered in an undertone, not quiet enough that Naruto couldn't hear though.

"I will demote you to scrubbing toilets if you finish that sentence," the woman stated flatly, shutting her colleague up. "I took my Oaths seriously. But it seems as though I am one of the few in this hospital that did." And with that cryptic statement the woman turned on heel and marched off down the hall to one of the nurses stations, ignoring the embarrassed nurse she left in her wake.

"Tsunade wannabe," the nurse scoffed bitchily under her breath.

Naruto huffed a small smirk as he headed for the stairs, he could think of worse people to be compared to. Senju Tsunade was something of a divisive figure in their ranks, praised for her skills, her strength, her bloodlines, but reviled and scorned for her act of abandoning the village to flee her grief. They were, all of them, familiar with grief. Though they agreed that they could never understand the pain of being the last of a clan, of watching and being unable to prevent that ending, of feeling a personal responsibility – as foolish as that belief was. Curses weren't real. They didn't scorn her for crawling into a bottle, many took to handling their grief in such manners. It was her act of leaving, and taking her prodigious medical knowledge with her that angered them. How many lives could have been saved if she had remained and simply... taught her knowledge?

That would usually be when Tenten appeared, teeth bared in a mockery of a smile, and laid a historical smack down of the Sandaime repeatedly refusing to fund every single education programme that Tsunade put forth. And she had pushed for it many times.

He missed Tenten.

Naruto sighed, rubbing his face and glancing at one of the shop windows as he passed, freezing when he got a good look at himself. Wow. The medic hadn't been lying when she said he looked terrible. Soot covered, singed, red eyed, blood spotted, and exhausted.

Yeah. Food and then a bath.

Sadly, Madame Koiyo's would be open by now, so she wouldn't let him in to use the facilities – they had to be careful to hide any connection to him. People were violent to the girls on a good day, no one wanted to know what the reactions would be if their customers found out about a connection to him. Loss of business would just be the start of it.

"Naruto? Oh, Kami, you look terrible!" Naruto paused, turning to stare, dull eyed and a little slow, as Haruno Sakura rushed over, shopping bag in one arm. "Are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

Naruto smiled, a little crooked, and very tired. Sakura-chan really was the best. She didn't like him much at all, he knew that, he annoyed her, but here she was... still worried, still caring about his well-being even despite that.

"Hard mission. I'm fine, just..." he looked over his shoulder back to the hospital, "my team are still in there," he admitted rubbing his face again. "The nurses kicked me out, 'tebayo."

She looked like she wanted to say something about that, but in the end, sighed. "Do you need any help getting back home?" she asked instead. Clearly if they didn't want him in the hospital then he wasn't too badly hurt, or hurt at all.

His stomach growled before he could answer and he shook his head, "Nah. I'm gunna go get some ramen first." He gave thought to inviting her, to grinning hard enough to hurt, and saying it'd be like a date, because she still looked worried and he knew that if he annoyed her she'd huff and scowl and stomp off and stop being concerned. But he couldn't muster the energy, weirdly. Not for her. He had always been able to do it for her, but now... now all he could think of was Neji believing he was the kind of asshole who would prank the hospital, of Tenten lying pale and sick on too white and green bedsheets, of Gai-sensei's breath rattling in his lungs like something wet and thick.

His grin was a little sickly, and incredibly forced, "I'm fine, 'tebayo."

Her expression spasmed, and she fidgeted a moment. Looking at him, the hospital just over his shoulder, and then down at her feet and the shopping in her arm.

"If you're... sure?" she trailed off.

He nodded, "Yep. I'll get a bath after, and crash. Nurses won't let me back in until ten so I might as well get some sleep," he admitted with a forced shrug even as his stomach turned anxiously at the thought of something going wrong and his not being there, or knowing until – actually, fuck it. He summoned a Kage Bunshin who saluted him and bounded off, racing up the side of the hospital building and sliding the window open to his team's room, closing it behind him, he could see the faint puff of smoke that heralded his henge technique. Good. If anything happened, his clone would dispel and he would get the memory.

"What?" Sakura-chan blurted in confusion.

Naruto glanced at her, "Kage Bunshin, 'tebayo. Solid clone technique. They're used in scouting, they transmit memories of what they see when they're dispelled. If something happens, I'll know," he explained as he shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "See ya round, Sakura-chan."

He walked away, and wondered why it felt so weird to be the one doing it.

000

Ayame-chan and Teuchi-jiji fussed over him a lot when he showed up, they managed to wrangle the whole story out of him over two free bowls of ramen, and one that he actually paid for. Knowing that if he went home to get a spare change of clothes and his toiletries, he would crash and not bother with a bath (he had been notorious in his youth for it), Ayame rushed into the back and returned with a spare uniform and the emergency wash supplies she kept. It might have been for girls, but Naruto didn't mind, it was kind of her to offer, and it smelt so nice. No wonder girls always smelled good if this was what they washed with.

He promised to get the uniform washed and returned as soon as possible, and then made his way off to the public bathhouse. It was fairly busy at this time of day, the desk clerk looked like he wanted to protest letting Naruto in, but the line was long and he looked frazzled enough as it was that he just took the money and let Naruto pass without a comment.

Luckily at this time of night, there were more Shinobi customers than civilian, and Naruto only received a small handful of second glances as he shuffled into the changing rooms. Like many post-mission shinobi, they were only interested in getting clean, and soaking away their aches and bruises.

Done, he dressed in his borrowed uniform, and shuffled back to his empty apartment, still reeking of dust and old ramen cups he forgot to throw away before leaving. It had only been four days, and his little hole in the wall somehow looked even more desolate than when he left.

He would honestly rather sleep in the training grounds.

Ah. No. Wait. He'd left his pack at Nobuyuki's. His, Tenten's, Neji's, and Gai-sensei.

He wondered dully if the investigative team would return them.

He collapsed into bed, barely having the strength to drag his blanket over himself before he was out like a light.

He woke up at eleven o'clock when his Bunshin dispelled, jarring him awake with the knowledge that Tenten was conscious now.

He rushed through a quick, cold shower, dragged out the first change of clothes his hands landed on, and bolted out of the door. He stopped briefly to buy a peach for breakfast, and again at Ino's flowershop to buy some for his team, her Dad was manning the counter but Inoichi-san was pretty alright as far as adults went. He was nosy though, always asking Naruto questions about his feelings and stuff, so he didn't really like hanging around.

He gathered up three bunches of flowers, one full of whites with a purple iris for Neji, since he seemed to like white a lot. He got a bunch of pink and yellow flowers for Tenten. And a whole bunch of green leafy ones mixed with the brightest yellow, orange, and red flowers for Gai-sensei, to stoke his fires of youth.

Inoichi-san laughed when he saw the three fistfuls of flowers. He could probably read a meaning in every single flower and where he'd positioned them in the bouquet, so he was probably laughing at him, but Naruto didn't care. He chose those flowers because he thought his teammate's would like them, not because of any meaning or anything behind them. The blond still wrapped them up, and handed them over without any teasing or commentary though, so whatever. Naruto paid and rushed back out to the hospital where at least half of his team were waiting.

She threw a pillow at him as soon as he stepped in.

He ducked with a squeak, peeking out at her through armfuls of flowers as she wheezed and coughed into her mask.

"Naruto! You – you – bast- bastard! Do you have – any – idea how – how worried I was?!" she wheezed, still managing to shout somehow. He quickly ditched the flowers and rushed over to adjust her bedding and help her sit up properly, the kunoichi scowling at him the whole time until he finished, at which point she dragged him down into a bone-creaking hug. "I was so worried when we couldn't find you, then the field went up in flames, I didn't know what to think," she rasped quietly.

Naruto felt his heart pang as he hugged her back, "I'm sorry Ten-chan, I went looking for the poppy stores, I didn't think to – "

"That's right. You didn't think," she agreed mercilessly, and then tightened her grip until it was painful. Naruto wheezed, and she squeezed tighter, grinning nastily, "Next time you vanish without a word, I'm going to strip you naked, tie your hands and legs together, and throw you into the kunoichi onsen for them to play with, got it?" she threatened.

"G-got it," he croaked, and gasped for air when she released him to settle back on her pillows with all the dignity of a queen instead of a twelve year old girl who had been trying her hardest to crush his rib-cage a moment ago.

Naruto grimaced, rubbing his chest as he adjusted his glasses. "I'll report in before I go next time. Promise."

She nodded, "See that you do."

He huffed a small smile. He was too unused to people caring about where he was and what he was doing, it was a little jarring to suddenly have someone who did, and so much at that. He gathered his flowers back up and set the vase of pink ones on her bedside for her to 'ooh' over, he did the same to Neji who was either sleeping or meditating, either way he hadn't so much as twitched through his and Tenten's exchange. And then he went to Gai-sensei who looked horrible. Naruto stared down at his Sensei with a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach and the burn of tears that just wouldn't come in his eyes.

He needed to get hold of enough rebreathers for the team. And put storage seals on their clothes so they would always have it on them. Medicine too.

Naruto scowled thoughtfully as he set the vase on Gai-sensei's bedside table.

That had been an utterly disastrous first C-rank. He was going to make sure their second went better.

"Can I steal your table, and your brain, Ten-chan?" he asked tightly, even as he summoned several Kage Bunshin, all of whom went for the windows and doors.

"Uh, sure? What's up, Whiskers?" the girl asked, shifting side on her bed a little and patting the empty space beside her so he could sit appropriately at the too high-table for the chair next to the bed.

"We need to be better prepared. We need more Fuuinjutsu, dattebayo." He adjusted his glasses determinedly as the first of his clones arrived with several pens and a pad of paper filched from the nurses' station.

Tenten's grin was all teeth, "Awesome. Let's get started."

0000

Apologies, the 'aftercare' of the C-rank ended up going on a LOT longer than intended. Lee, Hinata, and the Hormone Hammer will occur later, they're written into the plot because important. There's no avoiding it, but they're just not happening right now. Instead Naruto's gotten a bug up his butt about making sure this shit doesn't happen again.