I'm sick in bed and decided to cheer myself up with a story of my OTP. Woo!

This story will be five parts and is already finished (thanks, cold!). I'll be updating every other day or so.

Ever read a fic that's so awesome that you think, holy cow, I want to see this done with HG x CW? No? Just me?

This is entirely inspired by Toodleoo's "Hermione's Proposition." Do have a read if you haven't yet. It's great.

It all started with a vibrator.

Electric violet, glowing with each vibratory rhythm, extremely anatomically… optimistic.

It was Hermione's thirtieth birthday party, and she couldn't imagine a gift less welcome in her life. Especially when Gin slapped her back with a mouthful of whisky, "Now you'll finally get to pop that cherry, eh, 'Mione?"

"Oh, come on, Ginny. Hermione's no virgin," Fleur responded.

"But it's been so bloody long, chances are things have sewn themselves back together again!"

More laughter. More glugs of alcohol. And more internal seething from a one Hermione Granger.

Sure, she had given up on sex years ago. She had found it just wasn't for her.

Not that she'd tell the girls that. Oh, not a chance in Hades. Especially now that Fleur, Audrey and Ginny were discussing the most orgasms they'd had in one go.

"Five," Audrey said, sipping her pinot.

"You lucky duck," Fleur had responded. "Bill has only ever gotten me there twice in one night. And it's been ages at that!"

"I beat all of you," Gin said, counting to seven, slowly, with her fingers.

"Seven!" Fleur gasped.

Hermione snorted.

"What? Don't believe me? Ask Harry for yourself, 'Mione!"

"I will be doing no such thing!"

"Come on, Gin. It's her birthday," Audrey said, giving Gin a look. One that explicitly stated, remember how upset Hermione gets when we talk about sex?

"Right," Gin responded. "Onward to the next pub!"

When Hermione arrived home that night, she threw back preemptive hangover potions and pulled out the violet vibrator, which she'd been referring to in her head as the One-eyed, One-horned, Flying Purple People Eater.

After extensive cleansing spells and the helpful addition of coconut oil, she whisked off her knickers and slid the one-eyed beast inside her, flicking it on.

She let it stay on the inside for a bit as she experimented with the settings. One was a nice, dull beat. Another nearly sent her flying off the bed as it wriggled in absurd spasms. She essentially went through its entire arsenal within four minutes.

And nothing felt… good.

She even let it slide along her clit, but that was entirely too much sensation. How on earth did women use things like this?

After the whole ordeal, she threw the Purple People Eater in the bin.

She tried not to cry herself to sleep. But she was, after all, now Hermione Granger Who Can't Even Work it Out With a Prosthetic Purple Knob.

Pathetic indeed.

x

The next day, however, found a Hopeful Hermione Granger.

"I deserve happiness, right, Crooks?"

The elderly cat flicked its tail as his eyes followed her pacing.

"I deserve to know what good sex is like. After all, I am a woman. Designed just like all the others, with all the bits and the bobs. I'm fully capable of enjoying myself during the act."

Crookshanks closed his eyes, but Hermione didn't notice.

"And I'm bloody thirty years old. I deserve to know what it's like to come with a penis inside me. A real penis! Not a purple one!" She paused to wonder if there was some sort of magical ailment that may leave a wizard with a literal purple parsnip.

No matter. She would not amend her declaration, having prefered flesh-colored trouser-snakes, anyhow.

So Hermione set about doing what she did best.

Writing a list.

x

1. Sirius Black

Pros: Bloody hot; bloody experienced.

Cons: Harry's godfather. Close. Maybe awkward to run into for every Potter family event.

2. Fred Weasley

Pros: Could make sex fun and light-hearted.

Cons: Could humiliate me. Not that he'd do it purposefully, but the girls were right, am a bit sensitive on these matters. Also, like Sirius, could be awkward at family events.

3. Dean Thomas

Pros: Handsome and fit. Intelligent.

Cons: Just divorced. Perhaps would get emotionally involved if lonely? Also, workmates. Could be awkward.

After a few more candidates, it became clear to Hermione that she'd needed to branch out. The awkward-factor was something she was truly concerned about, especially considering the sensitive nature of her objective.

She moved on to all the wizards she knew who currently lived out of the country.

1. Blaise Zabini

Pros: Probably excellent in bed; intelligence underneath smart-arsery.

Cons: Would most certainly humiliate me. Not certain if has put blood purity behind him.

2. Viktor Krum

Pros: Handsome, ripped and doesn't talk much. Know first hand has a very nice, flesh-colored meat puppet.

Cons: Married.

3. Charlie Weasley

Her pen stopped.

Charlie?

It was the first of the out-of-country options that seemed entirely plausible. After a decade of assuming Charlie was gay, he'd brought Pamela to a Weasley birthday (Hermione could scarcely remember which now, there were so bloody many- not that it mattered, she wasn't able to attend), much to the shrieking delight of Molly. He and Pam dropped the broom a year ago, (she was there when Molly found out and had to comfort the hour of tears that came afterward). He'd since happily returned to bachelorhood, where he intended to stay for a good, long while. According to Ginny, at least, who heard it from George, who'd Extendable-Eared a floo conversation Charlie'd had with Bill.

Hermione returned to her list.

3. Charlie Weasley

Pros: Ripped and handsome in a rugged sort of way. Kind. Lives in Romania.

Cons:

Hermione hesitated. Certainly, things could get awkward at the one or two Weasley events that pulled Charlie out of the reserve every year. Certainly, though, she could simply avoid him after the fact. It wasn't as though there was lost love or even lost friendship to be concerned about.

The only true con would be if Charlie were secretly in a relationship, which she doubted. She was pretty sure Gin had said that George had said that Charlie had said after the way things ended with Pamela, he wished he'd never given the idea of relationships a go. Or was it, he'd be about as stupid as a flobberworm to ever date a witch again? Certainly something to that effect, anyhow.

3. Charlie Weasley

Pros: Ripped and handsome in a rugged sort of way. Kind. Lives in Romania.

Cons: None applicable.

x

After a few floo calls in the following days, Hermione secured herself a one-week stay at the Romanian reservation. She frequently went on trips like this for her position at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Meaning no one batted an eye at her proposition to spend some field time with the three newly discovered dragons from the last couple years.

And, after letting it slip to Molly that she'd be in Romania next week, within a day Charlie had owled her, insisting she stay with him on the reserve.

Hermione smiled as she signed her name accepting his hospitality.

And prayed she hadn't made one enormously daft mistake.