Hey, I'm back, and welcome to the first chaper of my Hogwarts Exposed parody!

Hogwarts Exposed PARODY

Chapter 1

Memories of the Way We Were

"Why did I agree to this?" Hermione Granger asked herself as she searched for a compartment.

"Eleven years," she mused with a small smile.

That was how long ago she had met her wonderful boyfriend of six years, Ron Weasley, and her best friend, Harry Potter. She would be leaving Ron alone for a year to teach Transfiguration at her old school, Hogwarts. She was considered the smartest switch of her generation, so it seemed only natural that she'd become a teacher. But, what her seventeen-year-old self would be ashamed of was her growing intrest in politics. She hoped to improve the Ministry of Magic, even more then it had improved under Kingsley Shacklebolt. Unless, of course, Shacklebolt improved it too much.

After locating a compartment, her thoughts returned to Ron.

"He's an Auror, he can take care of himself," she mumbled, "He can barely make instant ramen, he'll starve. No, he's got his mum for that."

She groaned and burried her head in her hands.

"Hey, is it okay if I sit here?"

Hermione looked up to see a red-haired woman holding a black haired toddler.

"Ginny!" Hermione shouted, jumping up, "What are you doing here!? Is that James? Is Harry here?"

Ginny laughed, "Yes, this is James. Harry's looking for the Trolley Witch. He's going to be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, and since Madam Hooch retired last year, I'll be in charge of flying lessons for the First Years."

Suddenly, the compartment door flew open. A short witch with elbow-length white hair ran in holding a cassarole in one hand and clutching a black kitten to her chest with the other. She tripped and grabbed the curtain to steady herself, pulling the curtain rod down.

"Selena!?" Ginny shouted, "What are you doing here!?"

"Draco Malfoy," Selena panted, "And I hate Khloe Kardashian."

"Draco Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

"Draco Malfoy," Selena confirmed.

"Who's Khloe Kardasian?" Ginny asked.

Selena and Hermione made a face as Selena ate her cotton candy cassarole (don't ask).

"Anyway, why's Malfoy important?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, he always bullied me when we were in school," Selena explained, "He's a boomy hole."

"Huh?" Ginny asked.

"An arse cave."

Selena wore a Blue Exorcist t-shirt, a black skirt, black boots with pink laces, and black fingerless gloves. Her wand was on the lid of her cassarole, and she had a cat backpack. She pulled out a book about Andy Cohen.

"What're you doing here?" Ginny asked.

"Well, I was on vacation in Barcelona, when I got an owl from Professor McGonagall asking me to teach Niggle Studies," Selena explained, putting on some chapstick.

For the three young women, time seemed to fly. Before they knew it, they were at Hogwarts. Selena and Hermione tried to explain Study Island to Ginny.

"Where's Harry?" Ginny asked.

Suddenly, Neville Longbottom jumped out with a boombox.

"Hey, guys," he said dancing with fingerless gloves also.

"Where's Harry?" Ginny asked worriedly.

"Oh, he got lost," Neville said.

"So, why's Malfoy here?" Ginny asked Selena.

"Teachin' Potions," Selena said.

"Why?" Hermione asked angrily, "I mean, I know his family betrayed Voldemort, but still..."

"Who else is here?" Ginny asked Neville.

"Well, Hagrid and Trelawney are still here, and Selena's sister is teaching Charms. Charlie Weasley is Hagrid's assistant, and they're really close. And there's McGonagall and Binns," Neville explained.

"Binns is still here?" Ginny asked disgustedly.

"He's a ghost. You can't very well fire him," Neville sighed.

"Is Trelawney still 'predicting' students' deaths?" Hermione asked.

"Yup. One of her favorites is Jamie Zacherley, a fifth year Gryffindor, Neville said.

"So, what's up with Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

"I haven't seen him yet, but I heard he's engaged to Astoria Greengrass. And he seems to genuinely regret his past. McGonagall said that if it wasn't for his recent charity work, she wouldn't have hired him," Neville said.

"What charity work?" Hermione asked sceptically.

"You know, helping niggle-borns and that sort of stuff," he explained, "He's definitely trying to make up for his bullshit, but it's quite nice."