Someday

Jack gazed at the photograph in his hand, memories of his one and only wedding day bringing a sad smile to his face. It wasn't evident from the picture, but they had been happy that day. They'd had only a few years together, but they had been some of the best of his long life: peaceful, loving, normal. After that, attending weddings had grown increasingly difficult; even long-term relationships were hard after losing someone he'd honestly thought he'd spend the rest of his life with—or at least the rest of her life. It had been a brutal reminder that his fate was different than everyone he met and fell in love with. They would die, usually too soon, and he wouldn't, and if he'd tried to keep things casual after that, who could blame him?

Yet here he was, contemplating the exact opposite, the realization that he was lonely and he wanted the happy ending for once, dammit. Gwen had walked down the aisle in spite of everything Torchwood had thrown at her and Rhys, and while she wasn't guaranteed anything more than that moment, at least she was trying. She was taking the risk and living for love—something Jack had studiously avoided committing to for decades.

At first there had been the unbearable feeling of pain and loss, then the fear of going through it all over again when he lost another loved one, then a curious apathy toward all of it. After that, he had thrown himself into Torchwood for several years, desperately trying to move on. An intense affair with someone he could have had a family with ended in worse than death—a betrayal and rejection so sharp it had taken years to recover. And so he'd retreated again, into short and casual, occasional dates here and there, but always keeping his distance. Flirting and one-night stands when he needed release. It had been a lonely way to live—until he met Ianto Jones.

As if on cue, Jack heard the alarms go off and saw Ianto walking through the cog door. He looked deep in thought and headed straight for the archives, glancing at Jack's office and offering a small wave. But he didn't come over, didn't come in. He didn't check on Jack, ask him if he needed anything like he usually did at night. Then again, Ianto hadn't even come back to the Hub with him, instead driving back with Tosh, wanting to make sure she was all right after being caught up in an alien web with Rhys's grabby groomsman. Jack was fairly sure Ianto was upset about something, probably him, and had wanted some distance after a long day.

He returned to his thoughts, sipping slowly from a glass of scotch as he contemplated how much his life had changed over the last year and a half. First Ianto had joined Torchwood, then Gwen, both of them changing him irrevocably. Even more than that, he'd seen the Doctor again after waiting over one hundred and thirty years for him, and though it hadn't been the greatest of reunions, at least Jack had answers now: he was immortal, a fixed point in space and time. He would forever outlive those he cared about.

Strangely enough, the truth had freed him in some ways. He realized he truly had time now to do the things he wanted to do, rather than always putting his life on hold, waiting for the Doctor, avoiding any commitment but Torchwood because Torchwood was how he would find the Doctor. Somehow, Torchwood had come to mean something to him as he'd waited, especially the people, and he'd realized that he could give them the proper time and attention they deserved. Especially a certain Welshman he was coming to care about more and more.

When Ianto didn't come back up, Jack wondered how badly he'd messed up the best thing to happen to him in decades. He hadn't meant to hurt Ianto that day, but looking back, he could certainly see why the other man might be avoiding him. Jack had alternated between flirting and snapping at everyone all day, and it would be easy to assume it was for the wrong reasons. While Ianto knew Jack better than anyone and might understand why it had been a difficult day for Jack, that didn't excuse his behavior. Especially because Ianto deserved better.

When an hour had gone by but Ianto had not reappeared in the Hub, Jack decided to seek him out and apologize, to try and redeem one thing from a long and difficult day. He didn't want to lose Ianto because he'd been an arse, moping over something he'd sworn off decades ago. Yet sometimes the resentment was hard to set aside, that he would never have what Gwen had—a partner, a home, a family. Sometimes he desperately wanted a normal life.

He went to the archives first, but though the door was open the lights were off and Ianto's office appeared empty. He wandered through a few corridors, wondering if he had somehow missed Ianto, or if the other man had left without saying anything. He was about to return upstairs when he heard a sound, and turned to find Ianto walking toward him. He was gazing at something in his hand, deep in thought, and stopped in surprise when he finally looked up and saw Jack.

"What are you doing down here?" he asked, tucking his hands into his pockets. Jack wondered what he had been looking at. Ianto seemed tired—it was a late night after a long day—and almost resigned. Not upset, but more sad and alone than Jack had seen him for a while.

"Looking for you," Jack replied. "Thought you might have left without saying goodbye."

"I'm getting ready to head out," Ianto said. "I was on my way up to see if there was anything you needed before I left."

Jack held back a sigh of relief, that Ianto hadn't left without saying goodbye. "Seems a bit late for coffee," he said. "Fancy a nightcap?"

Ianto cocked his head to the side, studying Jack before nodding. "Had a bit at the wedding, but could do with a small one. Your office or mine?"

"You've got liquor down here?" Jack asked in surprise.

"Just a few beers." Ianto shrugged somewhat sheepishly. "I usually only drink them upstairs with you, though."

"Then how about my office," Jack said, motioning Ianto forward. "I've got scotch." Ianto raised an eyebrow in curiosity but started upstairs, Jack right behind him. They didn't talk, though Jack sensed Ianto was more contemplative than upset about anything. Entering his office, he motioned Ianto to sit down across from his desk, poured them two drinks, and handed one to Ianto before sitting down.

"So what brought you back here?" Jack asked in opening. "It's well past midnight, after all."

Ianto shrugged. "I had Tosh drop me off so I could start some reports. I wasn't ready to sleep."

"You could have done them at home," Jack pointed out. Ianto shrugged, sipping at his scotch. One hand slipped to his trouser pockets. "Well, it wasn't to see me, I know, and I'm sorry I—"

"It's not always about you," Ianto interrupted, his voice unexpectedly sharp. Jack looked at him in surprise, and Ianto seemed to realize his slip and sighed. "Usually, but not always," he amended with a smile.

"Not tonight?" Jack asked. He had expected to be taken to task for his petty, boorish behavior all day and should not have been surprised at Ianto's tone. Only he wasn't sure Ianto's harsh reply had anything to do with him.

"Not tonight," Ianto echoed. "I had some other things I wanted to see downstairs." He sipped at his drink again and gazed into the distance without offering any further information.

Jack was somewhat at a loss. Ianto was a hard man to draw out of his thoughts on the best of days; Jack wasn't sure he'd get anything more than vague answers that night. Maybe he needed to offer something in return.

"Weddings are tough," he started, earning a curious glance from Ianto. "I mean, they're beautiful—alien eggs and shaper shifters aside— a wonderful celebration of love, but hard for a lot of people."

Ianto seemed to know exactly what Jack was doing and smiled to himself as he nodded. "I imagine they're hard for you. You've been married before?"

Of course Ianto knew, though Jack had never mentioned it. "Once," Jack said. "It was a long time ago."

"Just once?" Ianto asked. Jack nodded, but Ianto did not ask him about it, like Jack expected him to, so he told him. For some reason, he wanted to explain, to talk about it.

"It was a number of years after I came here. I had some idea of what was going on, but that was when it hit home that I was going to be hanging around for a lot longer than anyone else. Than everyone else, including the people I loved. She died so soon that I decided marriage wasn't something I wanted to do again."

"Makes sense," Ianto murmured.

"Not really," Jack replied. "I don't think humans are meant to be alone. Even in the 51st century, we're hardwired to be with the people we love, whether it's one or many."

"Hmm," Ianto replied, either not listening or not interested. He set his drink down and started fiddling with something in his hands. Jack leaned back in his chair.

"Did you ever think about getting married?" he asked. Ianto took his time answering, either weighing an honest answer or the words to frame it.

"For a long time, no, I didn't. Wasn't interested in recreating my parent's relationship. But later, after I moved to London, met Lisa… then I thought about it. Picked out a ring and everything."

"I didn't know that," Jack said in surprise. "Did you actually propose?"

Ianto shook his head. "Lisa wouldn't let me, not when she was…here," he replied. "She said I could do it when she was better." His hands stilled and he set a diamond ring on Jack's desk between them. "Only she never recovered."

"I'm sorry," Jack said softly. "I had no idea."

Ianto picked up his drink again for a long sip. "It's not your fault. It was Canary Wharf. I'm sure I'm not the only who lost someone they had planned to spend the rest of their life with. Torchwood One left behind many widows and widowers," he added, sounding bitter.

"You've kept the ring ever since?" Jack asked.

"I hid it in the archives," Ianto replied. "I didn't want it in my flat, but I couldn't get rid of it, not right away. Now, though…"

"You came back tonight for the ring?" Jack asked. When Ianto only nodded, Jack continued. "What were you planning on doing with it?"

"Honestly?" Ianto asked, meeting Jack's eyes for the first time. "Chuck it into the bay, probably."

Jack leaned forward. "No!" he exclaimed. "You can't do that. It's important, special."

"It's a reminder of something I'll never have," Ianto replied, his voice flat as he picked up the ring and turned it between his fingers. "I know that now, and I don't want it."

Jack held out his hand and took the ring. It featured an intricately cut diamond set in a slim platinum band: simple but well-made and beautiful. It was not something to throw into the ocean. He felt a tug in his chest, that Ianto had loved Lisa so much he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, had done everything to save her; he tried not to feel jealous, imagining it was how Ianto felt sometimes, knowing Jack's long history.

"It's beautiful," he said softly. "You shouldn't throw it away so recklessly."

"I've held onto it for a year, Jack," Ianto replied evenly. "I'm ready to throw it away."

"Then pass it on," Jack replied. "What about your sister? Doesn't she have children? It could be a family heirloom."

Ianto seemed to think about it, nodding slowly. "Maybe," he said. "But I don't want to hold onto it for that long."

"Then I will," Jack said. He tucked the ring into his desk before Ianto could reply; he would move it later, find a safe place for it when he knew it wasn't in danger of becoming fish bait. Ianto watched him warily, before nodding once more. Jack breathed out a sigh of relief, and they sat in silence for several minutes, each wrapped in their own thoughts of the women they had loved and lost.

Jack wasn't sure how to ask his next question, even wondered if it was his place, but he was curious and wanted to know. "Have you thought about it since?" he asked. "In a general sort of way, of course. Unless there's someone you're not telling me about that you've got your eye on?"

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "You mean, have I thought about getting married since Lisa died? No, I haven't."

"Even after today?" Jack asked.

"Especially after today." Ianto shook his head and snorted lightly. "As if Torchwood needs another wedding fiasco on the books."

"It was definitely one of our bigger fiascos," Jack laughed, pleased when Ianto joined him. "But it was nice, wasn't it? Watching them finally get hitched after all they went through."

"Yes, it was," Ianto replied. "And I'm happy for them, only…" He trailed off with a sigh. "How long do they have, Jack? Gwen's married to Torchwood now almost as much as she is to Rhys. Someday, he's going to be another Torchwood widower, like all those left behind in London."

Jack leaned back in his chair with a frown. "That's an awfully bleak way of looking at it," he said.

"It's true, though," Ianto replied. "I saw it happen in London. We're even smaller than One, and Gwen's an active field agent. Her chances of pulling a pension are slim. I admire them for trying, but it won't be easy—especially for Rhys."

"Didn't realize you were such a skeptic," Jack murmured, surprised. He had thought Ianto of all of them would have been hiding a deep romantic streak beneath his polished exterior, a longing for love, for marriage and family and a normal life. "Seems a hard way to look at the world."

"Or a better one," Ianto pointed out. "Accepting the inevitable truth rather than hoping for the impossible dream."

Jack sat up and leaned forward now, interested in this side of Ianto. "Why is getting married an impossible dream? Seems like a fairly normal thing for most people."

"Only we're not most people, are we?" Ianto asked. "We're Torchwood."

"And that automatically means we can't fall in love? Get married, buy a house, start a family?" Jack was definitely surprised by Ianto's thoughts on the matter, even if they did echo his own.

"Isn't that one reason you avoid emotional entanglements?" Ianto asked. "Because of Torchwood?" Jack stood up and came around to lean against his desk beside Ianto.

"It's not Torchwood that holds me back. I have other unique circumstances to consider," Jack said. "Immortality is not all it's cracked up to be, you know. Losing everyone you love takes its toll."

"Losing one takes a toll," Ianto said. "And the fear of losing another makes it worse."

"But you should at least try," Jack said. He certainly felt the same way when it came to the fear of losing another loved one, but Ianto was mortal and should hold onto his dreams. "You're human, how could you not want to try?"

"Because I'm Torchwood, Jack," Ianto replied, sounding weary. He stood and started pacing. "We're destined to die young. Why would I want to put anyone through that? A wife, a family? I'm not going to create more widows," he added.

"So you don't want to get married in order to avoid hurting someone else?" Jack asked. It made some sense, but Jack knew there was more to it.

Ianto shrugged. "In part. But more than that, I don't want to lose someone I love again. I don't want to go through that again—you know how hard it is. Why is that so difficult to understand?"

"I do understand," Jack replied, shaking his head. "Only I guess I thought you'd still want to get married someday, especially after seeing Gwen and Rhys."

Ianto stopped moving around the room and stood in front of Jack. "Do you?" he asked. "Want to get married someday after seeing Gwen and Rhys?"

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and stared at his shoes. Did he? He wasn't sure. He wanted to want it. In truth, being with Ianto made him long for a normal life, a life where they didn't have aliens interrupting their dates, where they didn't sleep at work half the time and steal quick shags in an underground bunker. Where they could move in together, go away to Paris or Madrid for a long weekend, get a dog…

Jack smiled to himself. Yes, he wanted all that, the little things as well as the big. And no, he didn't want it with Gwen, no matter what any of the others might think. He knew they did; there'd been enough comments over the months that he couldn't miss the implications. But he had realized long ago it wouldn't have worked out with Gwen if either one of them had actively pursued it; they were too much alike. She drove him mad with her questions and doubts, why would he invite that into his personal life, or his bed?

Ianto, on the other hand…Ianto was everything she wasn't, and everything he needed. A strong and equal partner who knew him and supported him, who seemed to understand him and accepted him as he was rather than damned him for what he wasn't. Ianto demanded nothing and asked for little, instead accepting their unusual relationship for what it was: friendship, sex, perhaps a bit more. Someone to chase Weevils with, someone to experiment with, someone to eat takeaway on the Plass with, someone to watch James Bond movies in bed with. It occurred to Jack that a lot of marriages were far less than what he and Ianto had. Marriage itself was only a word, a legal construct, a definition of something that existed all on its own, without a label. Why couldn't they make their relationship even more one day?

Nodding to himself as he realized something—he wanted to be with Ianto and no one else for as long as he could—Jack looked up and smiled at Ianto. "Yes, I think I do want to get married someday. I think I could try it again."

Ianto seemed very surprised. "Oh," was all he said as he turned away, looking both sad and confused.

Jack went behind his desk and fiddled with a computer, bringing up some quiet music. He returned to the open space where Ianto was gazing out into the Hub. "Dance with me?" he asked softly.

"What?" Ianto asked. "Why?"

"Because we only danced once at the wedding," Jack replied. "And I can do better."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "I have no frame of reference, you know," he pointed out. "Never danced with a bloke before, not like that."

"Then come dance with me," Jack said. "And I'll show you."

Ianto eyed him suspiciously, but moved into his arms. Jack began to shuffle and turn them around the small space in his office, humming happily. Yes, he could do this with Ianto for a very long time.

"You should reconsider," Jack said, leaning his cheek against Ianto's face. "Getting married, that is."

Ianto chuckled in his arms. "It's not like I have any prospects at the moment," he pointed out. Jack pulled his head back.

"What am I, some cheap passing fancy?" he asked, only half teasing. The idea that Ianto didn't even consider Jack an option was surprisingly disappointing. Ianto was someone Jack would consider marrying someday; that Ianto hadn't even thought about it hurt more than Jack would have expected.

Ianto shook his head. "You don't want to marry me," he said. He placed himself cheek to cheek with Jack again, as if to avoid his eyes.

"I certainly don't want to marry anyone else at the moment," Jack pointed out.

"Until a little while ago, you'd sworn off marriage for good," Ianto countered.

"If Gwen can do it, so can I," Jack said. "So can you." He stopped himself saying 'So can we' for fear it would sound too much like an actual proposal. Only now that he was thinking about it, he found the idea appealed to him.

"I can't, Jack," Ianto said. "I had my chance, and I lost it. You may have watched Gwen and Rhys today and reconsidered, but I watched them and realized it will never happen for me. And it was hard—hard to not envy them." His voice was low and quiet; Jack sensed that Ianto was struggling with his confession. "But I'd rather accept my life as it is rather than hope for something it can never be."

Jack felt his both frustration and heartbreak growing, that Ianto was so obstinate when it came to his future happiness. "I don't understand why it can never be that way," he said. "Or why you can't even hope for something more."

"Hope is a painful reality to live with," Ianto replied. "I had hoped to work my way up in London. I had hoped to marry Lisa. I had hoped to find a nice house with a garden, vacation in Spain, and get a dog. I lost hope at Canary Wharf."

"So, you don't want anything, anymore?" Jack asked, noting Ianto's travel and pet preferences and how well they lined up with his own. "No hopes, no dreams, no dog—nothing?"

His tone was harsher than he'd intended, and Ianto stopped moving, stepping back to look him in the eye. "I hope I live to see another day," he replied. "And I hope that you'll be there. But that's all I can hope for now."

Jack pulled him close and held him tight. "You deserve more," he said fiercely. "You deserve a happy ending someday."

"So do you," Ianto replied. "So does Tosh, even Owen. Deserving it doesn't mean we're guaranteed it. And hoping for it only guarantees heartbreak."

Jack started their feet moving again, forcing them to dance or he would stand there as his heart clenched within his chest. He had no idea Ianto was still so broken inside. How could he fix it? How could he convince this amazing man that there was more to life than Torchwood, that he could hope for more and deserved a normal life more than anyone?

"You're going to get married someday," Jack murmured.

"I'm really not, Jack. I'm—"

"Amazing," Jack said, then continued before Ianto could keep protesting. "You're smart and sexy and a fantastic dancer. Who wouldn't want to dance with you at their wedding? Wake up to your messy hair and brilliant blue eyes? Drink your coffee and listen to those Welsh vowels? You're a hell of a catch, Ianto Jones."

Ianto shook his head and laughed against Jack's chest. "I'm a terrible dancer, although I do make good coffee. But I don't plan to get caught, so please don't try to auction me off or anything!"

Jack chuckled. "Oh, I'm not going to auction you off," he said. "Because someday…" He kissed the side of Ianto's jaw and murmured into his ear. "Someday I'd like to catch you."

"Wait, what?" Ianto asked, his voice rising in surprise. "Was that—are you—"

Jack stopped him with a kiss. "It wasn't, and I'm not. But someday." He pulled Ianto close. "Someday I could."

As they continued to dance around his office, Jack promised himself that someday he would.

Author's Note:

Written for and with many thanks to summerstar, my wonderful Torchwood friend and official consultant on all things Welsh! We have talked about so many things, from life and politics to all things Torchwood—Jack and Ianto and fics and tropes and everything else under the sun. And a few months ago it was 'Something Borrowed' — how it's so easy to assume Jack was a jerk when it came to Gwen, and that Ianto was hurt and offended by his behavior. I've written it twice: once at the actual wedding, where Ianto just about throws his hands up and calls it off ('Cocktail Hour: Champagne') and once at Ianto's flat, where Jack goes to see Ianto and tries to make things right with a pair of cufflinks ('Something Blue').

While it is entirely possibly Ianto was completely understanding of Jack and his feelings that day and it didn't bother him a bit, I can't buy it, not completely. It had to sting, not only watching Gwen get her happy ending after all her fussing over Jack, but watching Jack appear to mope over it all. Assuming Ianto is so understanding that he feels nothing makes him a saint among saints, though, and that's too much for me—as are stories where he is nothing but pissed off and angry, gets drunk, or Retcons himself. He's human—not perfect, but not so weak. In my eyes, the writers clearly intended some sort of tension between Jack and Gwen, and I find it almost impossible to believe that it didn't affect Ianto in some way.

At the same time, maybe Ianto was processing his own issues more than Jack and Gwen's issues, remembering Lisa, wondering about his own prospects for marriage and family. So I tried to stay away from the Ianto-is-mad-at-Jack-and-Gwen trope and explore some of his own feelings that day and how they affected him, as opposed to how Jack's behavior affected Ianto, which is how these things tend to go. Do I think Ianto had a ring for Lisa? Probably not, but it's possible. What I do find likely is Ianto's rather fatalistic attitude, that he was Torchwood and nothing more, that he would never have the life Gwen did, not after losing so much at Canary Wharf. And I sort of liked the idea of that perhaps awakening something in Jack. So this is yet another coda to 'Something Borrowed', starting from that last scene in the Hub with Jack, but hopefully with less hurt and anger and more realization (hm, that sounds familiar) and hope. It is probably nothing like summerstar asked for, because my prompts tend to turn out that way, but I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading!