A Well Developed Sense of Self Preservation

"I am constantly surprised by the longing for you that never quiets."

~Tyler Knott Gregson

Even years later, she still thought about it. Late at night with the darkness as her company, the memories would creep into her mind. She was fairly certain no one else remembered that time quite like she did. Memories of him were like the memory of the warmth of the sun on your face in the middle of winter. She could remember essentially what it felt like, but it had been a long time.

She'd dreamed about him last night, actually. She'd slept in the on-call room, on a lumpy bed that smelled of antiseptic and despair. Scents very familiar to her. She'd fallen into the bed, exhausted, and in a moment of extreme weakness, had allowed herself to imagine his lanky warm body curling around hers, his arms solid and warm, a respite from the terrible blood filled day she'd just experienced. She'd fallen asleep immediately, and her fantasy had carried over into her dreams.

It was always dark and vague in her dreams, and hot, always stifling hot. It's funny how it was always so hot, when they'd never spent a summer together. Not really. But in her dreams, his breath would be flames against her neck like dragon fire, his lips burning like the steaming water in the prefects bathroom, his hands trails of fire. Inevitably, she woke covered in cold sweat, the sheets tangled about her, and feeling restless and unsatisfied. At least it wasn't every night anymore, sometimes she could go a week, maybe two without dreaming of him. She'd dressed and stalked out of the bedchamber irritably, snapping at the first person she saw, a poor innocent first year resident who had merely been the wrong place at the wrong time.

More vividly than their time together, she could remember the end. Remembering the end came first, feelings of shame and regret mingling with the tiny voice wishing she could have some satisfaction in throwing the truth in everyone's faces hoping they would at least show some understanding. Remembering the end usually made her start thinking about the beginning.

Looking at the letter in her hand made her think about the very beginning, before him, before them, before the after.

Dear Ms. Parkinson,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been offered a position at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Matron. Please find the enclosed contract details.

Term begins September 1st. We await your owl no later than July 1st.

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Headmistress

The recent letter was in the same silly green ink as the first. Ink she could remember on her Transfiguration Essays and more than one or two detention slips. Flipping it over, she glanced through the list of benefits, including room and board in the Matron Quarters off the hospital wing, a three bedroom apartment and a personal house elf. The salary was more than she made at Hôpital Universitaire Flamel. Idly twirling a dark curl around her finger, she looked around the tiny attic apartment she had occupied in Paris for the past eight years. The pale gray walls were as depressing as usual, her attempts to spruce the place up having fallen flat years ago when she realized the lighting would always be dim and dreary. A thud and a muffled shout down the hall was what made her decision.

It was time to go back. She hadn't stepped foot in England past Parkview's gates for eight years. It had certainly been long enough for the memories of her enemies to fade. Draco was practically universally adored and headed his own research team at St. Mungo's now. As far as she knew, the war was an old sweater at the back of everyone's closet anymore. A constant presence and part of the fabric of everyone's memory, but not something you wore every day. Besides, if McGonagall was offering her a job at Hogwarts, she was surely absolved of anything that occurred nearly a decade ago. Draco had been trying to convince her to come to St. Mungo's for years, but it never felt right.

It was time to spend more time with her family and less time at the hospital working 27 hour shifts in the Pediatric Emergency Ward. Her skin was constantly pale and the dark circles under her eyes a permanent fixture of her appearance. Her memories of the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts were much more relaxed. That bay of windows overlooking the entire grounds letting in more light than most sleeping patients preferred. Besides, who could argue with summers and holidays off?

And most of all, there was the argument that she wanted to go back. She missed the crisp English air, the echo of her heels in the dungeon corridors, laying in a hammock…. She couldn't have the Hogwarts of her youth back, but returning might bring at least some of it back.

A high pitched shriek caused her to pinch the bridge of her thin upturned nose. "Nicolas Napoleon Parkinson!" A cherubic blonde head appeared around the corner, a look of pure innocence plastered on his chubby cheeked face. "If you don't stop taunting your sister, you will not be going WizScout camp, and I will be sending you to Grandmother's for the two weeks instead."

"Mum!" he protested in a weak voice, his lower lip pushing out and exposing his slightly buck teeth, making him look far less angelic.

"Dahlia?" called Pansy, setting the letter aside. "What's all the shrieking about? Come out now. Let's hear your bit." A thin, pale girl crept into the hallway with much less exuberance than her brother had minutes ago. Her thin face looked more pinched than usual, her violet eyes looking a little on the watery side. Her usual mahogany curls were a shocking orange, revealing the reason for the shrieks.

"I can't turn it back," mumbled the girl, a frown further pinching her features.

"I didn't mean to mum!" protested Nicolas. "I was just teasing her about being a Cannons fan, and it just happened!"

Pansy sighed and waved her wand, restoring her daughter's hair to its usual dark brown. "Please be a little nicer. You know you're just upset because Auntie Tori is taking Dahlia to a professional quidditch match while you are at camp."

"I am a little jealous. I bet they even have special box seats," confessed Nico. "Sorry Dahlia."

"It's okay. I'll try and get a souvenir for you. If I ask, I know Uncle Drake will get me a Falcon's Jersey for you."

Pansy rolled her eyes. "You shouldn't take advantage of your uncle Draco. Although Merlin knows he can afford it." Her daughter sent Pansy such a self satisfied look of premeditated manipulation that Pansy nearly laughed. That would be another benefit of moving back to England. She would see much more of Draco and Astoria, and Merlin knows she needed their support.

"Who's the owl from?" Nico demanded, rushing up and thrusting his pale little fist in front of the bird before fearlessly patting the thing on the head. It never failed to shock Pansy how little self preservation her son possessed.

"Nico, you should always introduce yourself slowly to magical creatures you haven't met," she scolded. "You wouldn't want to end up like the Horrible Little Boy who was mauled by a Hippogriff."

"That's why my mum is a Healer," Nico declared loftily while Dahlia approached the bird more slowly and was rewarded with a gentle nuzzle from the bird. Her son had never been one for cautionary tales, but her daughter listened. Pansy was happy to see Dahlia's gentle patience rewarded when the bird hopped on her shoulder and tugged a dark lock of hair, causing the seven year old to giggle.

"You've made a friend," laughed Pansy. "This is an owl from Hogwarts."

"Why is it here? Am I being accepted early!?" exclaimed Nico, eagerly reaching for the letter.

"Of course not silly," Pansy swooped the letter out of his hands and banished it to her bedroom with a flick of her wand. "I've been offered a job there. We'll be moving back to England shortly after you get home from WizScout Camp. I've decided."

"Are we going to live with Grandmother Violet!?" demanded Nico a look of pure terror on his face, while Dahlia seemed to forget how to breathe and had a coughing fit.

"Merlin no! We'll be living at Hogwarts." The delighted squeals made Pansy smile internally, while outwardly she summoned some paper to begin making a list of things she would need to do in the next two months. Packing up two seven year olds and moving them to a different country wasn't going to be easy. But she had done it before.

Eight Years Prior: The After.
June 1998

The minute her name was clear of the report calling the accused to trial, Pansy heaved a sigh of relief. The month since the battle had been more than a little stressful. She and her mother had sequestered themselves at Parkview Manor, her mother mostly containing herself to her gardens, and Pansy to the library where she had studied for her NEWTs. With her name officially in the clear, she would be free to petition for a private sitting of her NEWTs, an expensive but necessary undertaking.

Two weeks later, she packed her things into her Hogwarts trunk that had a handy extension charm on it. An entire life in a trunk. Without any charges against her by the Ministry and her NEWTs behind her, she was finally free to do as she liked, which did not include spending another minute in this manor.

"I hope you know that you've compromised not only yourself, but your inheritance as well," sniffed her mother from the doorway.

"I'm sure it will be mine soon enough," she sighed, once again wondering why her mother was bothering to pretend she should stay. Ever since she'd broken the news that she was pregnant the day before, her mother had vacillated between rage, horror, sadness, and surprisingly joy. Rage that her daughter dishonor the family name by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, and horror that Pansy was refusing to admit who the father was. Sadness that her daughter would be outcast from society and she would lose status as well, and joy that at least the Parkinson name might continue (it was a pureblood right?).

"Over my dead body!" snapped Violet Parkinson.

"Well… yes, if you die before I turn thirty of course. Everything naturally passes to me at your death mother. Otherwise my inheritance simply comes to me ten years late, rather than when I am twenty as previously dictated in father's will." Violet either chose to ignore the sarcastic remark or didn't hear over her continued rant.

"You can't mean to go off to France all by yourself!"

"Well… I don't think it quite possible to be completely alone for the next six or seven months mother," intoned Pansy, cupping her ever so slightly rounded abdomen.

"What are you even going to do in Paris?"

"Pending my NEWT results, I am hoping to get into Healer training. The Healing Academy at the Hôpital Universitaire Flamel starts in August. Draco and I were always going to go to Healer Training together, and I'm not going to set my dreams aside just because of a few little hiccups." Draco's application had been rejected before he even had the opportunity to apply to sit his NEWTs. Draco would have to sit trial, and likely have some sort of consequences. Their dream of being a crack healing team completely ruined.

"Maybe Draco would marry you? It's not as if any of the other families would have a Malfoy now. Marrying a disgraced Malfoy is better than having a bastard child!"

"Me marrying a Malfoy isn't going to help you save any face in your social circles. I'm well and truly ruined, and the Malfoys are personas non-grata anyways. You don't need even tell your friends what has happened. By the time I'm in France they will have forgotten me. No one in England will hear about my bastard child unless you're the one telling them."

"It was just a thought," huffed Violet Parkinson, her brilliant violet eyes flashing with irritation. "Well, I won't disown you if that was what you were after. I'm certain you will alert me when the birth is nearing, so I can… be there."

"Of course mother," agreed Pansy, engulfing her mother in a tight embrace. If nothing else was true of a good Pureblooded mother, family always came first. "I'll expect you in early December."

Pansy had taken that trunk, shrunk every belonging she needed into it, and taken a muggle train across the English Channel to find herself in France three days later. Her NEWT results and acceptance letter to the healing academy found her at the small seaside cottage she had rented for the rest of the summer. She had spent the next month and a half absorbing the rays of the sun and 'growing' her bump.

The Pansy that arrived at healer training was tanned, relaxed, and very much pregnant. At five months, she was already showing quite a bit. Her fellow trainees seemed shocked and snickered behind her back until she proved that she was the best of them all. She had been working toward becoming a healer since was thirteen years old and had sat in the hospital wing with Draco as Madame Pomfrey healed his arm from Buckbeak. In fact, in the past year, she had probably done more healing than most of her classmates had ever even observed.

Having grown up speaking French almost as much as she spoke English, the transition to life in Paris was not difficult. She had found a small two bedroom apartment walking distance from the hospital since it would be dangerous to apparate when her pregnancy progressed further. The grey walls and white woodwork had seemed a clean slate for her to write her story on. Mostly her story was takeout boxes littering the countertops and falling asleep on the sofa when she was too tired to fall into bed, and coffee tables literally made of books.

It wasn't until she finally conceded to find a healer of her own and found out that her overly large bump was in fact twins that she started taking care of herself. Which basically meant that Violet Parkinson sent a house elf to live with her and tidy the apartment and make sure she slept in her bed and ate at least two meals a day.

When Nicolas Napoleon and Dahlia Marielle Parkinson arrived on a stormy December evening, Pansy was just glad her end of term exams were complete and she had finally achieved her lifelong goal of topping the class. She had to admit that without Hermione Granger or Draco around to provide competition, it was a little dull.

With the birth falling perfectly between terms, Pansy couldn't have planned the twins first month of life better if she had tried. Violet Parkinson had moved to France for duration, planning to stay as long as Pansy would let her.

This worked out well. The following semester they had started working on specialties and Pansy had delighted her professors with her natural aptitude for pediatric medicine, being especially talented in interacting with young patients calmly during a treacherous time. She couldn't exactly tell them that the worst cases she had seen hadn't even been in France. Within two years, Pansy was a Resident Healer in the Pernelle Flamel Pediatric Ward, and Violet Parkinson was finally back in England where she belonged, bragging about her beautiful talented daughter to anyone who would listen.

Five years later, Pansy was still a Senior Resident Healer in the Pernelle Flamel Pediatric Ward. Her status as an English outsider made it difficult to worm her way into special projects. Despite graduating top of her class, she had been overlooked for a promotion to Head of Ward in favor of the nephew of one of the Hospital's board of directors.

Her previous mentor, Healer LeClaire was the one who had reached out to Professor McGonagall when she heard through the grapevine that Poppy Pomfrey was retiring for good. Pansy hadn't even known to apply, and when her friend had mentioned that she had put Pansy on a short list for Hogwarts Matron, she had laughed. Hogwarts wouldn't be taking her back any time soon. And then that dratted eagle owl had shown up and she was moving right back to where this mess started.

"You're completely nutters, Pans. You can't be serious about this? I mean, moving back to England, I understand. We did just cinch the World Cup, who doesn't want part of the glory? But Hogwarts? Father isn't a governor any longer. They'll eat you alive! If you wanted a job, you should have come to me!"

"Honestly Draco, I thought we agreed you wouldn't try to meddle in my life anymore," drawled an unamused Pansy inspecting her nails.

"That was before you decided to take this job! Pothead and Weasel are going to go ballistic the moment they hear about this. You think it's a coincidence that I don't work in a department at Mungo's where they're regular patients? Pothead has one for Hogwarts in less than five years! He'll go spare if he hears you're the new matron!"

"Is Pothead a governor now?"

"Well, no," began Draco before she interrupted him.

"Then we'll just have to make sure he doesn't get wind of this. Besides, he's the one who overthrew the last megalomaniac who took over society, he doesn't have any right to become one himself."

"I'm just saying, what he says, typically goes around here. I know you've been on the Continent, but…"

"But nothing Draco. I don't see what you're so up in arms about it anyways."

"It's just so boring," he whined, taking a sip of his tumbler. "You could join my research team, you could get a job heading a department at Mungo's. Madame Pomfrey lead literally the most boring life on the planet, surely you want more than that!?"

"In case you hadn't realized, I deserve a little boring. Besides, being a mum means my days are never boring. And I like Hogwarts, and pediatric healing is my calling. I've never been one to have my name on flashy new potions or spells, you know me. But, you never really knew Poppy, she is fascinating!" protested Pansy.

"What are you going to do when he finds out you're back?"

"I don't have the faintest who you are talking about, and even if I did, which I do not, I don't know how he'd know I'm back and or care," she snapped, turning to look out the window at Astoria's gardens.

"Tall, dark, objectively handsome, if you swing that way, which I don't," started Draco ticking off his fingers with each point. "Can't perform a proper contraceptive charm, apparently."

"I know you like to think you know things Draco Malfoy, but there's a reason you weren't a ravenclaw."

"I know lots of things, even if you like to pretend I don't. And I don't know what you expect me to tell him, when we're practically best friends! He was the best man in my bloody wedding!"

"I don't know why. Which is probably why I couldn't come…" muttered Pansy under her breath.

"What… was that a confession!?"

"I said I don't know why you insist I procreated with that idiot bum," she replied innocently.

"Okay, so let's pretend the two of you didn't shag all over the school and pull a Weasley. Shall I tell him you're back in town with your illegitimate love children? I'm sure you wouldn't have any sort of problems with that."

"That would be a much bigger problem if I hadn't sworn you to secrecy under penalty of death by wizarding oath before I told you I was pregnant," retorted Pansy. "That was a pitiful attempt at blackmail, Draco, even for you. We always knew you didn't have it in you, but honestly? Threatening blackmail when you're under an unbreakable? Really? Boarder line pathetic."

"Sometimes, I think you were the best slytherin of us all," pouted Draco in his typical way.

"Well, I've always had a well developed sense of self preservation," she smirked.

Pansy adjusted her small blue hat so it sat at a jaunty angle on her curls before smoothing her matching peacock blue short robes. Turning, she watched Nico and Dahlia pop through the floo holding hands, mother having sent them through right after. Nico coughed and sputtered loudly, not having mastered the art of holding one's breath while traveling via floo and Dahlia brushed off her lavender dress. Waving her wand to siphon off the soot, Pansy hurried them out of Three Broomsticks before Madame Rosmerta could spot her. Being in public made her nervous, and she wasn't exactly anxious to run into anyone she knew quite yet. The past three days in England had been enough, thank you very much.

Taking their hands, she slipped the oversized leather bag that carried literally all of their worldly possessions (undetectable expansion charm, quite clever) over her shoulder. Nicolas was still raving about how much fun he had had at WizScout Camp. Playing quidditch, learning to swim, sleeping out doors, he had been particularly gleeful about peeing in the bushes. Pansy and Dahlia had spent the weeks updating their wardrobe and going to the seaside since Pansy had taken leave ahead of her job transition.

Arriving at Hogsmeade train station, Pansy immediately spotted the thestrel drawn carriage waiting for them. Lifting them into the carriage as they exclaimed over the magical transportation, she glanced nervously at the thestrel, something she hadn't seen since the last time she was in England. Setting her bag on the floor with a clunk, she took the backward facing seat and watched the twins as they huddled at the window to observe the castle come into view.

"We're going to live there?" whispered Dahlia in awe.

"Look it's a quidditch pitch!"

"Can we swim in the lake?"

"Are there monsters in the lake, or did Uncle Drake make that up?"

"Look at the towers!"

"Can we live in the tallest one?"

"Like Rapunzel!"

Pansy laughed internally before she tried to answer some of their questions. "We're going to live on the east side of the castle, in the hospital wing, and we can swim in the lake when it is nice. There is a giant squid in the lake, but he's rather friendly, and maybe you can live in a tower when you're older."

The carriage pulled up to the castle, and the twins tumbled out before Pansy could stop them. The grounds were lush and green, full Scottish summer blooming around them, and the castle looked straight out of a fairy tale. She hurried after them as they headed up the steps where the doors were already open wide to let in the fresh air.

Walking into the entry, she tried to take it in from a seven year old's point of view, the massive stair cases, the huge hourglasses filled with glittering gems, the banners and portraits decorating the walls, murmuring. She hadn't been here in years, and logically, she knew the castle had been battered by war, but it seemed the same as ever.

"Come along, children," she tutted, breezing past their stunned forms and taking the first flight of stairs that she knew would lead to the headmistress's office. She smirked internally as she heard the patter of their feet behind her.

"Mummy, wait for us!" Dahlia exclaimed, her hand latching onto Pansy's.

"I just know I'm going to get lost," came Nico's mournful sigh. "This place is even bigger than Grandmother's house."

"You'll have the layout of it soon. I lived here for seven years, and there are still places I might get lost, but we'll mostly be in our apartments, which will be much smaller."

"Good," said Nico so seriously that a nearby portrait laughed aloud. Luckily the twins were used to nosy portraits from staying with their Grandmother for a week or so every summer. Pansy wondered what they would think of the Hogwarts Ghosts.

Rounding the corner, she came upon the Headmaster's office more suddenly than she remembered, not that she had ever spent much time here, the only times of note when Umbridge had recruited her for the Inquisitorial Squad fifth year and she had been asked to spy on the headmaster. Honestly, she had spent most of that time making out with her boyfriend in the private alcove in the charms corridor. Pulling to a stop, she eyed the gargoyle statue guarding the staircase. Professor McGonagall hadn't offered a password, merely said to meet her in her office at half two.

"Hello, Pansy Parkinson to see the Headmistress?" she tried. With a groan, the statue rolled aside, and a staircase revealed. Pansy pulled the twins with her into the staircase and headed up to the office. Rapping sharply on the door, a call to enter came from the other side. Taking a deep breath, Pansy suddenly felt the overwhelming sensation of stepping into a new chapter of her life.

So that's the first chapter! I hope you liked it! I'm a huge fan of lesser fandoms with couples besides say, Draco-Hermione, and I fell in love with this couple here recently and could NOT get this story out of my head. I've been working on this for quite some time and have it almost completely finished, mostly just final edits. Expect regular updates. (Yeah!) If you like my writing and want more right now, check out my other fics. If you're particularly interested in Draco, I have a Draco-Astoria you might try (I consider that story in the same universe as this one). If you're a quidditch fan, I have two Wood family stories you should try out as well. Anyways, thanks for reading, and I love to hear from you in reviews, so let me know what you think!

Elaine Abbene