Wow, been a while since I updated, huh? This has actually been hanging out in my incomplete folder for a while, and then my brother helped me come up with an ending in like ten minutes today (I know, shoulda talked to him sooner!). Hope you are all safely quarantining, and please enjoy this small distraction from boredom :)

Darcy always knew she was going to be trouble. It was written across her abdomen in a clear, strong, powerful hand.

Her parents had tried very, very hard to ingrain in Darcy the importance of following the rules, but as soon as she learned how to read, and knew what her words were, all that pretty much went out the window. Well, sort of. What Darcy got from her words was that she was going to be very good at not being caught – at least until her soulmate was the one catching her.

Darcy made it her goal to learn a lot of strange things, because she had a feeling she'd need them. She learned how to hotwire a car from her first boyfriend (the only good thing that came from that relationship), how to pick a lock from the weird kid that sat next to her in English class, and did a nerd's art homework for a semester to learn how to hack. And she learned so much on YouTube. She pretty much lived there, honestly.

Anyway, by the time Darcy met Jane she was a jack of all trades. She could repair pretty much anything, was a decent pickpocket, could hack into almost any server, knew her way around a variety of weapons (her taser was still her favorite), could build a fake identity (you're welcome, Thor), practiced a couple different kinds of martial arts, and was very good at finding and avoiding cameras when she needed to.

All of that was great, but it didn't really help much when the giant metal robot thing was destroying Puente Antiguo. She felt pretty useless during that whole thing, although she did save an entire pet shop.

Afterwards, though, SHIELD was suddenly falling all over themselves to hire Jane to do some 'collaborative' research for them and gave all of her equipment back… except for Darcy's iPod.

At first, Darcy thought it was just an honest mistake, so she filed all the proper forms for recovering confiscated equipment (why the fuck were there so many forms for that?) and waited to get her iPod back. For three weeks. Then, after nothing, not even a courtesy 'we received your request' email, she hacked into SHIELD.

It was the hardest thing she'd ever done, actually – she suspected Stark had done some work on their systems, because she'd learned to hack on a Stark laptop and she recognized that shit. Anyway, what she found once she got in was that her iPod had been removed from the holding room they'd had Jane's stuff in by one Agent Philip J Coulson.

Yeah, she was just gonna call him Agent iPod Thief.

Then she just had to figure out where Agent iPod Thief was, and – huh. That wasn't even very far. No wonder all the jack-booted thugs had shown up so quick after Thor had crash-landed.

It wasn't very hard to convince Jane that she needed a couple days off, and she was on the road, ready to get her iPod back.

Infiltration was difficult, but successful, and she was snooping around Agent iPod Thief's desk when the door abruptly swung open, a man barged in wearing an eyepatch and a long, dark trench-coat, and pointed a gun in her direction.

If Darcy had done her research (and she had), this was the head honcho himself: Director Nicholas J Fury.

She slowly raised her hands up above her head and hoped she wasn't about to get shot.

"Who are you, why the hell are you here, and how the fuck did you break in?"

Well, shit, Darcy thought, as she felt her words burn. She suddenly felt much less threatened by the gun that was practically in her face.

"First," she retorted, "please, like you don't already know who I am. Third, I'm a genius, duh. And second, Coulson took my iPod."

She very much enjoyed the surprised look on her soulmate's face as he slowly lowered his gun.

"Huh," he said. "That has been a problem; maybe he'll stop now."

Darcy blinked at him. "Are you saying he's been stealing iPods so you'd meet me? That's… actually really sweet. I might just forgive him now."

"Don't," he snorted. "He's already a pain in the ass about it."

"Well, I suppose I'm glad it worked," Darcy shrugged. "You wouldn't happen to know where my iPod is, though?"

Fury (it was such an amazingly badass last name, seriously) opened his coat, slid his gun back into the holster on his belt, and then pulled her iPod out of an inside pocket.

"Here you go," he said, tossing her beloved iPod at her.

Darcy picked it out of the air and hugged it to her chest.

"Thanks," she said. "Are we gonna talk about, uh, you know?"

Fury crossed his arms and stared at her. It was impressive how much effect he could get with just one eye – although she was pretty sure his intent hadn't been to make her feel all hot and bothered by it.

"Can you get out of here the same way you got in?" he asked gruffly. Darcy was pretty sure he really didn't know how she'd got in at all, and it made her feel very smug. She also wasn't going to tell him.

"You mean sneakily? Of course."

He nodded in approval. "I'll text you, then."

Darcy grinned and started to walk past him into the hallway beyond Agent iPod Thief's office, flicking the lapel of his coat teasingly as she walked past him.

"Not if I text you first," she said with a wink, and was gratified by the twitch of his lips attempting a smile.

"Well, sir?" Coulson asked mildly when he made it back to base twenty minutes later, just before Fury was about to leave himself.

Fury glared at him, even though Coulson displayed a disturbing immunity to it, just like someone else he'd just met.

Briefly, he considered not telling his best Agent, but he really did need the iPod stealing to stop.

"You need to stop confiscating iPods, Cheese."

"It's for your own good, you know," Coulson said, and then Fury saw the moment he realized. "Ah. Of course, sir. May I offer congratulations?"

"If you must," Fury said. "It's your own goddamn fault."

"No need to thank me, Director," he said, smiling blandly as he left the room.

Fury's phone pinged as he opened the door to his car.

Hello, this is your Uber Eats driver, read the message from a number that wasn't in his contacts. Chipotle didn't have Cherry Coke. Is Root Beer okay?

I'd rather drink sewer sludge, he texted back. Doesn't Chipotle have margaritas?

Now you're speaking my language, Darcy responded. Any other preferences I need to know?

Burrito bowl, he typed quickly. Barbacoa. All the toppings.

Message sent, he tossed his phone on the seat and didn't look at it until he was pulled into his driveway.

Dude, you did not skimp on your security system.

Fury smirked and got out of his car.

He had Chipotle waiting for him.

And a soulmate stuck in one of his booby traps.

It's my new headcanon that Fury really really loves fruity margaritas and none of you can convince me otherwise.