Knowing Love

I had longed for the giddy pink cloud feeling Miss. Audrey mentioned. I wanted to feel as if I floated on air, that the smallest breeze would send me drifting away, oblivious to anything else. I wanted the light side of love...

And I'd only experienced the pain.

I struggled to meet his eyes when he asked for ideas I was forbidden to give. My hands shook when he came into our department (even though I clasped them in front of me as I was trained to.) Tears burned behind my eyes when he thought poorly of me, my chin quivering at his reprimands. I was in agony in Ladieswear, my hopes of seeing him... of speaking with him...of being noticed by him...leaving me distracted and restless.

I couldn't sleep. I pushed the food around on my plate at dinner. I couldn't pass a day without thinking of him, without wishing I meant more to him. I'd step out with Pauline, Clara, and Sam to avoid seeing him. I'd leave a strand free from my bun because of him.

But the constant ache I had admitted to Miss. Audrey was nothing to the pain I experienced when Mr. Moray and Miss. Glendenning approached arm in arm. Assembled customers were hushed and the staff collected on the sides, excitement rippling in the room. I caught the sparkle of the lady's ring before Mr. Dudley revealed what my mind had already discovered. They were engaged.

I had shared my heart. I had told him my secret. I had called him by name. I had kissed him.

I had offered my love...too late.

Applause and handshakes. Congratulatory remarks and joyous exclamations.

With his fiance next to him, John's eyes briefly found mine.

And I knew I would never know love the way those lucky girls had.