This story was not my idea. It was just born in my brain. Like cancer. So I cut it out by writing it down. It was shiney so I'm sharing it. Don't judge me. This is...graphic. Fair warning.

This is a genderbent Colu. As in Luke is Lucy and Viper is Cobra.

Fairy Tail's original form was created by Hiro Mashima. This is the twisted convolution of that form by my obviously sick mind.

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"Say that out loud you filthy rotten cum bucket! Come on! I'll melt your stupid fucking face off till we can all look right through the big gaping holes where your eyes used to be to see the three shriveled bloody cells you call your brain!" Only her boyfriends hand fisted in the back of her jacket kept the little female from following through with those threats. She would absolutely do it.

How dare they think such things about her Luke. Just because he didn't run around punching people for petty reasons didn't make him a coward. So what if his magic lent itself best to midrange fighting? He worked hard and had the calluses from using his whip to prove it. She happened to be glad he wasn't a muscle bound hulk like the brooding thundercloud. He had proven time and time again, especially behind closed doors to her, that he was everything a man should be.

Pampered eunuch her ass. She would show them pampered eunuch. She would tear off their dicks and shove then down each others throats and wear their balls strung with bells as a necklace. He could stand toe to toe with the nuclear bomb he called a best friend and the psychotic warlord mascarading as a woman that led his team. Just because he didn't fight with his team members all the time like a child didn't mean he was a weakling. It just proved he had a brain in his head. Unlike most of the idiots around here.

"Let me go, Luke! Let me at em! I'll string em up by their intestines in front of the guild like a fucking festival banner! I swear. " He tugged on her jacket and she fell back against his chest to sit between his legs as he straddled a bench. She looked up into his laughing brown eyes and felt her heart flutter. Mavis, he was handsome. His golden blond hair was just long enough to pull back in a tie and still end up windblown around his face. Her hands itched to play with it.

"We talked about this, Viper. They didn't do anything, or even say anything. People have the right to think what they want. Besides, they are new around here. Give them a couple weeks to get used to the Fairy Tail way of thinking. Ok?" She gave him a smile. "Go check in with Mira. She said something about a shipment of havarti venom coming in today."

The delighted sound that came from her probably sounded like a deranged cackle to most people. She didn't care. She hopped up to run to the bar, but he followed her movements and pulled her to stand with her back against his chest. She loved it when he did that. It made her feel safe. She tipped her head as far back as it would go and grinned at him.

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Mavis, he loved that grin. She had been trying to tear his throat out the first time he saw it and it had still been sexy as hell. His Viper was everything perfect in life wrapped up with a generous serving of crazy. He could smell the sour apples from the shampoo she used on the cloud of maroon chaos that was her hair. He was the only person who knew how soft it was between his fingers.

He bent down and poured as much passion as he could into a single kiss, savoring the sweet tang that was so unique to her. When he pulled back her eyes slowly cleared from the dazed state the kiss had left her in. He loved the fact that he had the power to do that. That she Gave him that power over her. He loved even more the way her beautiful purple eyes lit up with life as she laughed. He released her and sank back down to his bench, smiling as she started toward the bar.

"Dude your whore must be some serious fun in bed for you to put up with her because she's a fucking psycho." He saw her shoulders flinch and he saw red. Everyone who heard that comment knew there was about to be trouble. The thought didn't even get to clear their minds before it was done. In one smooth movement he stood, the leg that had been under the table rose up, over the bench, up over his head to come down on the shoulder of the very stupid man. The snap of bone blended almost seamlessly with the crash as he went through the floor.

"You're right you know." People leaned away from him when they heard the dark growl in his voice. "She is some serious fucking psycho fun. Every minute of every day. That's not why I keep her around. I keep her around because I love every single shining piece of my Viper." She had returned to his side while he spoke and was leaning into his side. He let both hands dive into her hair and kissed her till neither of them could breath. He glanced at the man he had put through the floor to see his friends trying to help him up. His eyes narrowed as he recognized the same group Viper had been after a few minutes earlier. He turned back to her and smiled. "Have fun Sweet Tart." She lunged, and screaming ensued. Luke sat down and leaned back against the table to watch his girlfriend go to town on the idiots who had disrespected them. His best friend spoke from beside him.

"Man that's the creepiest smile I've ever seen on your face, Luke."

"I happen to be enjoying myself, Natsu."

"Dude," Gray leaned towards him from the other side of the table. "I mean this in the friendliest most supportive way possible but, she really is crazy."

"I know."

"Are you going to stop her?" Erza didn't actually sound concerned. Luke shook his head. "She just tore that man's ear off. With her teeth."

"Yeah. And it was sexy as fuck."

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The end.