A/N: This is, in all honesty, a random oneshot. I was reading all that de-aging fanfiction and suddenly I just really wanted to write some weird, funny little Marvel thing.

It works better if you have this in the background: watch?v=Udj-o2m39NA

Nick Fury looked at the toddlers before him, all who stared back up at him. Whatever the hell Loki did to them wasn't wearing off until the next day, and they had successfully driven Coulson, Hill and Hogan crazy to the point where they enlisted him to put the children to bed.

"But I'm not tired!" The four-year-old Clint whined. "We want to play."

"Я не утомлен также (I am not tired either)," Natasha, also four years of age, murmured from behind the archer. They were particularly close.

Steve, who had been quiet since his time-out for provoking Bruce into Hulking out, finally spoke up. "Read us a story!" For a sickly, pale little five-year-old, he sure could get a person's attention. He put an arm around Tony, only three years, who was largely mute, except when he asked for something, which was very timid. Fury heard all about it from Coulson, and they suspected that it was the result of Howard Stark's A+ parenting.

"Alright. Everyone under the covers, and I'll tell you a story." This was definitely going to be weird for all of them come morning, and Fury was very much looking forward to it. He sighed, sitting in a chair beside Tony's king-size bed. Thor had pulled up something on a tablet, which Bruce showed him how to use. The Asgardian handed the tablet to Fury, who examined it closely.

Before he could begin, Steve piped up again. "No fairy tales!" Out of all the mini-Avengers, he'd been reported to by Hill, Rogers was easily the most troublesome. He only wondered about the amount of grief he gave his mother at this age some eighty years earlier. An argument was about to break out before Fury put up his hand, silencing them all instantly.

"I have the perfect story for you. No interruptions, got it?" The children nodded.

"The cats nestle close to their kittens

The lambs have laid down with the sheep

You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear

Please go the fuck to sleep."

Steve opened his mouth to reprimand the Director but Tony nudged him.

"The windows are dark in the town, child

The whales huddle down in the deep

I'll read you one very last book if you swear

You'll go the fuck to sleep

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest

Like the creatures who crawl, run and creep..."

Clint raised his hand to ask for a drink of water but Fury eyed him.

"I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying

Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon

The field mice, they make not a peep

It's been thirty-eight minutes already

Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep

All the nursery kids are in dreamland

The froggie has made his last leap..."

Steve tried to squirm over to the edge of the bed but he was pushed back over by Bruce, who had put his glasses aside.

"Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom

You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep

The owls fly forth from the treetops

Through the air, they soar and they sweep

A hot, crimson rage fills my heart, love

Come on, shut the fuck up and sleep

The cubs and the lions are snoring

Wrapped in a big, snuggly heap

How come you can do all this other great shit

But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?"

Thor yawned and pulled the pillow close. Two down, four to go.

"The seeds slumber beneath the Earth now

And the crops that the farmers will reap

No more questions. This interview's over

I've got two words for you, kid: Fucking sleep

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle

The sparrow has silenced her cheep..."

Steve looked terrified to even ask but he trembled, opening his mouth. Tony was on it and handed him his Bucky Bear.

"Fuck your stuffed bear. I'm not getting you shit

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep

The flowers doze low in the meadows

And high on the mountains so steep

My life is a failure, I'm a terrible parent

Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep."

Clint and Natasha were huddled together, the redhead already snoring softly.

"The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing

As I lie here and openly weep

Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk

Who the fuck cares? You're not going to sleep."

Fury was already starting to go himself, which gave Steve the opportunity to slip out from the bottom of the covers, Tony right behind him.

"This room is all I can remember

The furniture crappy and cheap

You win. You escape. You run down the hall

As I nod the fuck off, and sleep..."

His head leaned back against the chair and Director Fury was out like a light.

When he came to, it was bright. He rubbed his eye and looked at the bed. Thor had wrapped himself in the covers, and Clint and Natasha were still cuddling. All were full sized. He slipped out and found a massive pillow fort in the living room.

Steve's blond head popped out, full-on adult and all. "What's the password?"

"We may look like adults but the child in us lives!" Tony came out of the fort with Steve's shield in hand.

"Are you motherfuckers serious?" Tony gasped dramatically and looked over his shoulder at Steve, who only responded by pulling out a Nerf gun. "Don't you dare, Rogers."

A smirk slowly spread across Steve's face and he set the aim.