Welcome back everyone, the usual:
- I apologize for any mistakes, this is not beta-read
- As per the usual, sensitive readers please tread lightly
- Song lyrics in this chapter belong to Meg Myers

-Check AO3 for extras that aren't included on FF dot net

What have I become?

Alphonse would have to have been deaf and blind not to notice the tone of underlying suggestion in Ling's voice, as well as the look he'd given Ed, as he spoke about Roy Mustang to the older blonde.

And he'd have to have been deaf, blind and stupid not to hear the defensiveness in Ed's tone, to see the redness of his ears and the look of fond sadness that flitted across his face afterwards when he'd thought Al, Ling and May were not paying attention. Well, Al had been paying attention.

And the ache that resonated in his chest when he realized it was a look of melancholy on his brother's face, melancholy related to Mustang, made it hard to breathe for several seconds. So he remained quiet, choosing to sip his tea through the tightness in his throat and chest as the other three also lapsed into a contemplative silence. Alphonse didn't know what any of them were thinking about, but he was trying to ignore the images that started to circle his mind of Edward and Roy Mustang kissing.

It just made no sense to him how it could even have happened, what scenario could possibly have taken place in which Edward would kiss Mustang, or would let Mustang kiss him? The man was so much older than Edward for one, and no matter how aesthetically attractive the General was, he was still old and Alphonse just did not get it.

Also, Edward had once held so much dislike for Mustang! Although, if Al had to think on it honestly, it had mostly just been due to the clashes of their egos and Ed's blatant dislike for authority figures. And those days were long past now. Mustang seemed more humbled, Ed was more mature and their working relationship was not military rank based anymore.

Still, their interactions had always been tenuous and volatile at best, Alphonse didn't think for a second he would have missed something of that nature developing between the two in all the time they'd known one another.

So, then…it had to have happened recently. Really recently. Which made it worse to acknowledge because that meant it had possibly been developing during the time in which he and Edward had been going through their rough patch. He clenched his jaw at the thought of that, and then worse, thinking of it having been developing when he and Edward were supposed to have been 'okay'.

Alphonse hid the tense line of his mouth behind his tea cup, and just then, out of the blue, May excused herself,

"You're leaving?" Al asked, genuinely surprised since it was so abrupt. He watched as she stood up in a very graceful manner, tucking her hands inside her long sleeves before she smiled down at him and nodded,

"His Eminence invited me to eat with you all for the special occasion of your honored visit, but I have to return home now." she explained in a temperate voice.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows, setting his tea cup down,

"You travelled all the way from your village just to eat with us?" he was stunned to hear she'd travelled all that way just to have a short dinner. That was really out of her way. He felt inclined to invite her to stay the night in the palace, but he caught himself before he did because it was not his place to do so.

May continued to look at him, and there was sadness in her eyes and smile that he felt sure had to do with him, which made him feel guilty, it was only slight but it was there, niggling in his guts and then she said,

"To see you again, the trip was well worth it, Alphonse." very quietly, and the guilt became more prominent, twisting tightly in his stomach. He also felt confused when May glanced at Ling after she said it, as if she was checking to see if she'd said something wrong.

The whole thing struck him as odd; the visit, the way May was talking and behaving.

Ling smiled brightly at her and Alphonse noticed that Edward looked confused as well, having also seen the look the Emperor and May had shared,

"Perhaps Alphonse can walk you out to your escorts, May Chang." Ling offered and Al felt irritation replace his guilt and confusion, because Ling was putting him on the spot, obviously intent of giving May and him some kind of 'moment alone'. Still, he couldn't say no because he'd just look like a jerk, and besides, his natural inclination to be a gentleman had him opening his mouth automatically to say,

"Of course." with pleasant surety, as if it were the best possible idea.

He supposed he should feel lucky that he'd become such an efficient liar, considering what he had to hide. Still, he hated having to be so nice and polite all the time, especially right then when being alone with May meant time alone for conversations on topics that he did not want to discuss. The pretense of being the nice Elric brother had become exhausting more in the last year than ever before.

Al glanced at Ed as he got to his feet while May was bowing to the Emperor, he just wanted to see if Ed had any telling signs of his current feelings on his face. He should have known better, in fact he did know better, but the younger blonde was still hurt to find that Ed looked unaffected as he sat chewing on some sweet dessert, the other blonde offering May a small wave and bright smile when she nodded her head at him. Alphonse tried to keep his feelings off his face but he wasn't very good at that so he turned away to follow May before Ed or Ling could get a proper look at him.

He kept his pace just behind May and her long dress robes which swayed backwards and forwards with every step, but it was unnecessary to walk behind her because the corridors were wide and her bodyguards were walking a good few feet behind them both. So before it would seem that he was trying to avoid walking close to her, because he sort of was, he pushed his nerves and discomfort aside and caught up to walk beside her.

He had the beginnings of a well-practiced smile on his face when he looked at her, but it faded when he noticed how sad she looked, her pretty eyes had a shine to them as if she might cry.

Alphonse's heart sank and he frowned,

"May, are you alright?" it was a stupid question but it was the first thing that came to mind to ask.

It turned out May didn't need much prompting because that question was enough to make her stop walking abruptly and turn to face him, unshed tears teetering on the verge of spilling,

"No…" she said quietly, almost meekly, glancing at her bodyguards who were about to come toward her in concern and she shook her head at them, raising her hand briefly before putting it back inside her sleeves, "…no, I'm not." she huffed shakily, pinning her intense, dark eyes on Alphonse and frowning, "I didn't want to do this, I shouldn't…"

Alphonse felt dread creeping up his spine. She said she shouldn't, but he just knew was going to-

"…but I don't understand why you left me?" she finished, sounding short on breath and Alphonse found it hard to meet her questioning gaze head on. There was too much to that answer that he couldn't say, and even if he picked out the bits and pieces he could tell her, like that he'd been missing Edward, it would still hurt her, because she would probably ask why he never wrote, or why he never came back, why he never did literally anything.

So he settled on,

"I was sick, May." which had been true at the time, and even though it turned his stomach over to admit it to himself, he was still sick in a way.

"I know Alphonse, I saw you," she agreed sadly, looking worried even after all the time past, "you were really unwell, but you should have stayed to recover. I could have helped you to recover with Alkahestry if only you'd allowed me to help, then you could have returned to health here in Xing before just leaving the way you did." she insisted, scrunching up he small nose. And she wasn't even wrong, that would have been the best thing to do...had Alphonse's 'illness' been something other than what it was.

Al thought, 'If only.' with so little remorse or regret that he momentarily worried himself. It concerned him in some distant way that he seemed to have really and truly lost his greater sense of wrong and right when it came to his incestuous feelings for Edward. He also noticed he didn't feel very badly about having left May. But come on, they'd only been together for a short while, how badly could it have affected her when he left?

"I couldn't." he sighed when his lack of response made her eyes wetter, and he raised his hands only to let them fall back to his sides with a soft pat, "I just wanted to go home, being ill made me want to go back."

May frowned at him,

"And what about me, Alphonse? Did you just forget I was here? You didn't even write me, or didn't you even think about me after you left here?" she was starting to sound angry now, her unshed tears were drying up.

Alphonse frowned too, searching his mind for a way to respond that wouldn't upset her further,

"Things just happened so fast after I got home, May. Ed came home from Creta and then we moved to Central-…"

"Yes, I know," she cut him off, "because Winry had the decency to write me back after the fourth letter I wrote to you!" she yelled suddenly, and her voice echoed along the hall.

Alphonse stared at her, a little wide eyed. He had kept ignoring the letters May wrote him, and now he wondered just how Winry had known he hadn't been responding to the letters. He didn't even have a chance to get mad about Winry probably invading his privacy by reading his mail and having the audacity to reply to them, because May wasn't done,

"I can't understand what I did wrong," she went on, speaking louder than was polite indoors, "I went against my villages customs to be with you, Alphonse, I behaved as a western woman would-…"

Alphonse frowned at hearing that,

"What do you mea-…?"

Al closed him mouth and tensed when May stepped up close to him suddenly, looking up at him as she hissed her answer into his face,

"I slept with you, Alphonse, I allowed courtship to take place between us without even telling my family you existed, and then I had sex with you on top of that, going against my customs, without introduction to my family, without being married first." she was saying these things quietly so her guards wouldn't hear her, keeping her voice low, but an underlying tone of rebuke was obvious. Alphonse was still frowning, mind turning over the new information as he felt entirely lost for words. He'd never even given a thought to May's situation after he'd left Xing, it'd been all about Edward.

There was a drawn out moment of silence between them, filled only with their quiet, tense breathing, until Alphonse lowered his head and averted his eyes. He had nothing to say, and May probably realized she wasn't going to get anything more out of their conversation because she stepped back, sniffing softly and gracefully composing herself. And Alphonse...well, he was trying his best to feel the guilt he knew he ought to over hurting her, but he honestly just didn't. It wasn't there. There was just nothing.

"And now," her voice was a composed hush, "now no one will marry me." she made a sound under her breath, a bitter, short laughing sound, and Al looked at her again, what she'd just said making her situation more clear to him. "I've been used as far as any well off, respected man is concerned," she added, her voice taking on a detached quality, "what I have to offer is no longer worth what it once was. I'm overlooked by suitors every day and my family is ashamed of me." but even as her voice was steady, tears finally left her eyes.

And with that, Alphonse no longer needed to search for regret and guilt inside himself, because when he realized what she was telling him, the magnitude of what she was telling him, he felt it genuinely and he let out a lightly shaken breath,

"May, I had no idea," he said honestly, shocked, "I hadn't thought…" he trailed off because she looked at him in the eye, and there was resentment in her gaze, clear as day,

"You hadn't thought even once of me, Alphonse." she said quietly, a tremble laced with her words before she shook her head sharply, "I had thought so much of you once, and I came here this evening still feeling that way, hoping...but now I feel as if I overestimated you." she whispered, trailing her gaze to stare down the hall, "Now I feel as though I'm looking at a different person."

Alphonse was once again at a loss for words, but he wanted to try and salvage this, just like when he'd wanted to try and salvage his friendship with Elizabeth, because it did bother him to know that he'd hurt both of them so callously.

"May, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you." he said the first generic words that came to mind, but in the back of his mind he thought of Elizabeth and Winry and Edward and the hurt he'd caused them all because of his selfish thoughtlessness and desires. To say he'd never meant to hurt anyone...was that...was it actually true?

"I know you didn't." she sounded like she meant that, like she believed it, even as Alphonse was questioning himself, and when she looked at him again with shining eyes and she sniffed sadly, Alphonse clenched his fists at his sides and tried to convey his apology with his eyes. She was unmoved though, "But whether it was your intention or not, it doesn't change the fact that I'm a disgrace to my family and that you are not the person I thought you were." she finished quietly with a hitch in her breathing, voice failing to remain steady and detached.

There was another moment of silence between them then as they stood in the long hall of the palace. Alphonse didn't dare apologize again because it would make no difference to her pain or her situation and he couldn't explain anything more to her because the truth was a secret. And in the end, he really wasn't the person she'd thought was. He wasn't even the person he'd thought he was.

But still, he hoped he would be able to explain it all to her one day soon, because he had every intention of telling Edward about Xing's laws on incest, or rather the lack thereof, because there were none against it. He also intended to tell Edward that incest had been and still was practiced in certain villages and even in the palace. He'd read about it and May had even told him that her father, the previous emperor, had a child with one of his sisters because she had been a concubine. The 21st Prince, if he remembered correctly.

So, if all went well, and he really had high hopes, then maybe one day he could tell May the truth.

"It was good to see you, Alphonse, I'm relieved that you're happy and well." she smiled at him, sounding sincere despite the fact that he didn't deserve her good feelings toward him. But she was a truly good person, and she was a Princess and she was graceful and lovely and Alphonse hadn't been much more than a mess for a long time now.

He managed a genuine smile for her.

Her composure had returned completely, and Alphonse felt impressed as he continued to smile at her, feeling kind of empty and at a loss for the right words to say, because there really were none.

"Tell your idiot brother I said for him to take care of himself." she said pleasantly, and Alphonse supposed it was good that none of her resentment carried over to Edward, "Good night, Alphonse, and good bye." she finished with quiet finality and nodded once before she walked away.

Alphonse watched her go, thinking of going after her to make one last ditch attempt at a decent apology, but instead he just stepped out of the way and leaned back against the ornate wall as her guards followed after her dutifully. And as more and more distance stretched between them, Alphonse narrowed his eyes when, curiously, he felt a thread of relief wheedle its way inside of his guilt, where it started to spread out quickly.

He accepted it as relief of closure...for both of them.

He knew that what he'd unintentionally done to her was horrible, he wasn't fooling himself about that, but she had no idea what he'd been going through. She had no idea what it was like to wake up one day and realize that you had taken the purest, brightest, most powerful love you had, and soiled it somehow. To have begun lusting after his own brother so abruptly, so carnally, in such an ugly all encompassing way, as if the idea had always been latent and it had only taken a vague trigger to send him overboard. As if he'd always be so thoroughly fucked up and might have never known it if he'd never returned to a flesh and blood body.

Sure, he was fine with it now, he was actually happier and more fulfilled than before because it felt right to him in ways he doubted she could understand, even Edward didn't seem to fully understand, but back when he'd first discovered it...he didn't like to think about it, but he'd even considered suicide a few times for fear of Edward's disgust and rejection.

Edward.

He hadn't rejected or hated Alphonse, and Ed would never know, but his acceptance, as it were at the time, had muted those thoughts of suicide until they were completely gone. And even though the road to where they were had been hellish, Alphonse didn't regret, he couldn't, because despite the long wait and the pain and the uncertainty, his honesty, his decision to tell Ed the truth, had turned out to be worth it. After everything, Edward loved him and was with him, entirely his.

Alphonse's eyebrows drew together as he looked down the passage at the large doors of the eating hall, May forgotten as his thoughts returned to the look that had been on Ed's face earlier, the lonely, fond look which had more than likely been about Mustang.

With a scoff of insecurity and the pain of a few old wounds reopening, Alphonse wondered if Edward was slipping away from him…again. Maybe not even slipping, maybe pulling.

Something wasn't right with Edward.

Something had been off with the older blonde ever since Alphonse had returned to the table the previous evening after he'd escorted May out. He'd thought at the time that he would be the one to dampen the atmosphere for everyone, considering his unpleasant confrontation with May had made him feel somber and had dredged up other issues, but upon seeing Edward's disconcerted and vaguely perturbed look when he'd returned to the table, Alphonse had felt twice as anxious just trying to guess what had unsettled Ed so badly in so short a time. He'd only been gone for ten minutes or so.

Ling had behaved normally, mostly. He'd also seemed just a tad less jovial though, but he hadn't seemed upset in any way, which ruled out the likelihood of Edward and Ling having had any sort of disagreement.

So Alphonse was baffled by Edward's disquieted and distant mood throughout the entire following day, and then he became concerned when Edward admitted to Ling, not even to himself, that be wasn't sleeping and that he was tired.

It really annoyed Alphonse, who was already bothered by his resurfacing insecurities and Ed's determination to keep him at arm's length, that his brother would tell Ling he wasn't feeling well and not admit it to him. But Alphonse didn't ask about it, and he didn't let Ed see his discontent, and he didn't interfere or follow or question anything when Ed took up Ling's offer of a sleep remedy and followed the Emperor's suggestion to take a day time nap. And Alphonse still didn't follow or interfere when Edward went off to do just that. He just let it happen, choosing to give Ed his space and spending the remainder of his day with Ling exploring and conversing.

Alphonse did notice, because he was observant no matter how much he downplayed it to remain unobtrusive and inoffensive to people, that Ling never once brought up Edward's apparent unwell state to him the whole time they were together. In fact, Ling didn't bring up Ed much at all aside from a few mentions of past adventures or things he'd learned through Ed about Amestris and science back in the day. And it was strange, because Alphonse knew Ling was concerned, he had to be, just as Alphonse was concerned, even if their reasons for it were impossibly different, but Ling said nothing.

So, Alphonse said nothing as well. Because he wasn't in the habit of talking about subjects people wanted to avoid. It was rude, generally, but it also worked in his favor since he didn't want to discuss Ed with Ling, not yet. The time to talk to Ling would come though, because Alphonse had the intention to tell Ling about himself and Edward. It was necessary to do so, but he wasn't ready just yet. He still felt incredibly concerned about how that particular confession might be received, because despite knowing that Ling would not have a legal opinion on his and Edward's incestuous relationship, he did worry over Ling's personal reaction.

It wasn't that he cared a great deal about what Ling would think of them being together, because no, Alphonse had, at some point, stopped caring about other people's opinions and inevitable judgment, but rather, he worried about whether Ling would tell Ed before Alphonse had a chance to.

Ideally, Alphonse wanted Ling to know first, because he had hopes that Ling would accept it with objectivity, if not favor, and if that was the case, then Alphonse would have Ling's support and acceptance when he finally did tell Edward…

…because it was Edward's reaction that Alphonse was truly worried about.

Of course it was. It always was.

It was stressful just imagining how that conversation could go, but Alphonse wanted it all out of the way, he wanted it all settled, a part of him just wanted spit it out, to tell Edward so it'd be out there in the open, but another part of him, the more cautious part, told him it was not a good time…unfortunately it also told him there would probably never be a good time. He knew he should be reading more into that, but he avoided going there with himself.

The main problem, as far as Alphonse had decided, was that Edward was too attached to their relationship being a dirty little secret, and that was why he'd decided he was going to tread more carefully around it in the days to come. He'd been a bit brazen, and even a tad forceful, since they'd arrived at the palace and he'd seen how uncomfortable it made Edward. He realized he had to dial it back a bit.

So presently, as he was walking the halls toward Edward's room in the palace just after ten PM, Alphonse decided he wasn't going to try and pressure Edward into any sort of physical contact. If he reached out and Edward pulled back in any way, even just a little, then he'd concede without a fuss. He would take his cues from Edward until the moment, any moment that seemed like a good one, presented itself to tell the older blonde about Xing laws.

With a small nod to himself and a deep but quiet breath, Alphonse fingered the book he'd carried from his room to keep himself occupied with, and he entered the room of his sleeping older brother.

And the conversation that had ensued when Edward had finally woken up, led to a suggestion from his older brother that was the last thing Alphonse had been expecting. It was a thought that hadn't even crossed his mind! And it was a suggestion that came with a thinly veiled -actually rather blatant- accusation that Alphonse was the reason May was in her, admittedly awful, situation.

Ultimately, Edward had basically stated, without room for discussion, that they'd be taking May back to Central with them. Alphonse had still attempted to question the idea and point out just how detrimental having May in their lives would be for the state of their finally blossoming relationship, but just as Ed had shot him down about sex, he'd left no room for negotiation about May in his tone either.

It was concerning…it was very concerning. More than just on the topic of May. All of it was concerning.

Starting with Edward's unexplained and apparently fond feelings for Mustang, followed by his increasingly distant behavior, and then the fact that he wasn't sleeping, and his avoidance of just about any physical contact even when they were alone. Yes, Alphonse noticed all of this, how could he not? And now on top of it all, Ed had decided to bring May back with them. Back to Central…

That was one of the biggest problems.

Because Alphonse didn't really have any intention of going back to Central.

It was a few nights later, the night before the farewell dinner that Ling was hosting for them before their departure further East toward the coast, when Alphonse allowed his mounting tension to get the better of him.

It'd been a sullen few days of Alphonse doing his best to give Edward all the space he needed, he didn't walk too close, talk too much or even let his gaze linger on Edward unnecessarily. And it was upsetting how at ease Edward seemed to be despite the change in Alphonse's behaviour, almost as if he preferred it.

The unexpected reaction from Ed caused a deep, weighty feeling of dejection to sit in Alphonse's stomach. A part of him was worried, but there were increasing swells of anger and resentment, too. Resentment for every time Edward smiled at Ling as if he didn't have a care in the world, every time Ling mentioned Roy and Edward affected a put upon air of indifference, whether it was for Ling's or his own benefit, Alphonse wasn't even sure. And the anger, the anger was for the familiar dejection taking root inside him all over again, tightening his chest, burning his eyes with tears, making him lose sleep and second guess himself. The anger was because he'd just gotten comfortable in the idea that he and Edward would be fine, and now something was wrong again.

And Alphonse hadn't expected anything in Xing to be a problem, because to him, for his plans, Xing had been the safe plan, the best option, a place of acceptance, a place for freedom. There wasn't supposed to be Ling's inside-joke looks at Ed and May's re-insinuation into their lives and Mustang's lingering fucking memory, there wasn't supposed to be deflected affections and uncomfortable silences. It wasn't supposed to be that way!

But it was. It was beginning and would worsen and Alphonse…Alphonse knew before it was even really full happening, fully in swing, that he would not be able to do it again. He just didn't have the strength.

He was...he was tapped out.

Presently, he was half drunk too.

Granted it didn't take a great deal of alcohol to get him there, but the half bottle of rice wine had warmed his extremities and fuzzed the edges of his vision just nicely, muddling his cognitive abilities just so, just enough that if he tried to think of one thing too long his attention wouldn't hold.

He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wooden balustrade of the narrow balcony of his room, his back pressed to the dark slats of wood, the night air cool on his skin through his blue linen button down, which was worn with comfortable blue jeans. He had his head tipped back, eyes absently staring up at the underside of the elaborate awning covering the balcony. His legs were stretched out in front of him, lazy and lose limbed, flat against the wooden floor and his feet were bare. The bottle of rice wine he'd been drinking solo was settled between his thighs as he drummed the fingers of one hand lightly against the smooth, painted ceramic.

His other hand was lightly holding his side, his arm folded across his mid-section, because even though he wasn't properly nauseous, his insides were unsettled. He wasn't physically sick, but he wasn't well either. Somewhere beneath his haze of drunken unhappiness he knew that he wasn't doing okay. And because alcohol was a depressant, he couldn't snap out of it, thoughts kept circling his head of Edward's long braided hair tangled and messy from sleep in the morning when they'd wake up together, of Ed's sharp, white teeth glinting when he smiled handsomely, and of that small light brown mole on his lower back that Alphonse had become fond of kissing.

Fleeting thoughts with significant feelings washing over him in their wake. Crushing feelings, under the circumstances.

He swallowed thickly, the soft clicking sound of which seemed loud in the quiet of Xing's royal palace. It was so peaceful there that even the wind didn't do more than lightly whisper. He grimaced a bit, not enjoying the spicy after taste of the wine on his palette, although, he didn't much like the taste of any alcohol in general, but for its intended purpose it was working very well.

Minutes ticked by and he sighed quietly, clenching his fingers tightly around the short, thick neck of the ceramic bottle before he brought it to his lips and took another gulp, licking his lips afterward and lowering the bottle to the floor with a dull thud. He closed his eyes, nostrils flaring through the burn as he swallowed the liquor and a lump in his throat. The words 'not again' kept running through his mind, and they were relevant to so many things that he didn't even need to narrow it down or place it in order in his thoughts to feel the weight of it all pressing in on his emotions and making him want to cry.

Not again.

He dropped his head forward with a sniff, unfolding his arm from his mid-section in order to press his face into his clammy, cold hand as he squeezed his eyes shut against the burn of tears. He was thinking of the smell of Edward's skin, the pleasant roughness of his hands...and the way his eyes darted away from Ling's whenever the Emperor mentioned Mustang.

"Alphonse."

Said blonde startled quite severely at the sound of a voice being anywhere near him, nearly knocking the rice wine over and spilling it across the wooden floor. After all, it was early hours of the morning and he'd put the lock on the door to his room, so how the actual fuck?

His entire body jerked when he'd snapped his head up, knocking the back of it against the balustrade before he cast his rapidly blinking eyes around his immediate space, frowning in confusion. Had he been hearing things?

"I see you're quite inebriated, my friend."

That time Alphonse placed the voice and he turned his head to the side and up sharply to look at the top of balustrade, where Ling was perched in a casual crouch as if it were the most normal thing in the world to show up there on the balcony! Ed had been right about the Emperor not being deterred by things such as locked doors.

Obviously.

"I'm, uh…" Alphonse looked away from Ling and shook his head, "…I'm just, it's…" he huffed at his lack of ability to form a sentence in response to Ling's unfortunately too true observation. Alphonse shifted, starting to get up, dragging his legs up underneath him and moving the bottle out of the way as he got onto his knees before turning to face Ling. He would have made an attempt to stand up, but Ling jumped down inside the balcony and settled easily into a cross-legged position facing the blonde. So Alphonse relaxed again, feeling very defeated, and the hand he'd wrapped around a wooden slat for support remained there as he settled back on his legs, half kneeling half sitting as he slumped his shoulder against the balustrade. "I am, yeah." he sighed out, closing his eyes and turning his head to press his forehead to the wood, his hand sliding down the slat slowly, absently.

He was so tired.

"It wasn't a question, so I wasn't actually in need of an answer, but I'm glad you acknowledge it." Ling was such an obnoxious ass sometimes. Alphonse rolled his eyes, but they were closed so it went unnoticed. Edward was right about Ling being annoying. Edward. Ed. Ed. Ed.

Alphonse sighed again.

Ling reached out and took the bottle out of Alphonse's lax hand when he spoke next,

"Lan Fan informed me you'd requested a bottle of wine from the stocks and she expressed concern for you seeing as how you'd be drinking alone." he said it like it wasn't forward at all to be spying on him. Alphonse supposed he couldn't really dismiss the concern though. These people, Ling, Lan Fan and even May, they'd been his family for a time when he'd lived in Xing and they knew full well he didn't like alcohol, so his behavior now would logically raise some questions.

Ling sighed next and Alphonse opened his eyes slowly, settling his glossy gaze on Ling as the other male regarded him kindly,"Is whatever's bothering you something you'd like to talk about?" he asked evenly, but was frowning lightly.

Alphonse swallowed thickly, his mouth feeling so dry, and he parted his lips to speak but then he felt like even just saying 'no' would leave a bitter taste in his mouth, so instead he brought his now unoccupied hand up and rubbed it over his face as he said,

"Can't." but...couldn't he? Dangerously, emotionally, drunkenly, he wondered.

Wondering was such a bad idea though, because incest was a big bad secret, he couldn't talk about it. No, nope.

He just couldn't-...even though Ling could not arrest him or charge him and hopefully wouldn't judge him. So…wait, could he talk about it? The fuzziness in his mind was making it hard to figure it out.

"It's to do with Edward, yes?" Ling asked, ever candid, hands folded in his lap.

Alphonse's gaze had drifted to the pristine, dark red material of Ling's loose fitting Ku, but his eyes snapped up to meet the Emperor's dark eyes at hearing the accuracy of his guess. Alphonse blinked a few times, squinted, swallowed sorely and shook his head lightly,

"Is it that obvious?" it was a dangerous, foolish, ill-considered question to ask because not only did it not fit into the general context of Ling's question, but it also implying that there was something for Ling to identify that obviously had to do with Edward and Alphonse specifically.

And some squirming part of Alphonse's conscience registered the carelessness of saying such a thing, but the alcohol quickly snuffed it out, leading him back to staring at Ling's informal Xingese clothing. It kind of looked like cool pajamas and it made Alphonse smile just slightly to himself, like an idiot. He really wasn't good with alcohol.

Ling though, sharp, observant and very far from stupid, was sitting quietly and watching Alphonse and there was acuity in his gaze that Alphonse was too unfocused and uninhibited right then to be wary of, but was aware of none the less.

"Yes." Ling answered evenly, "It's obvious there is something making you uneasy. Alphonse," he paused and then went on quieter, "are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he ventured again.

Alphonse half sighed, half snorted and he let his legs slide out from under him as he moved to sit with his back rested against the wooden slats once more,

"N-no, it's not so simple." he sighed again, deeper, shaking his head and pursing his lips as he considered that maybe he should just be out with it, just tell Ling like he'd been intending to. But then, he was really close to drunk, and he knew he wasn't in total control of his faculties and in this particular situation regarding that particular subject, too much being said was entirely possible, even if he tried to only say a little.

There was a fine line between telling Ling he loved Ed like that, or going overboard emotionally and letting Ling know he was desperate and miserable and pathetic about loving Edward.

Really though, Alphonse was so, so tired of walking on egg shells and the worse it became between himself and Ed the less he was able to remember why he didn't just tell everyone that Edward was his. Because that was the problem, wasn't it? Edward was afraid of judgment from everyone who knew them and knew of them, he was afraid of consequences…and there was none of that in Xing, so in that case, was there any reason to keep it to themselves? There, all the way in Xing, did anyone from Amestris even matter? Winry, Pinako, Gracia…Mustang, did any of them matter? Mustang especially…

Alphonse found himself frowning, jaw clenched a bit as the words formed in his mind and then they were moving up his throat and falling out of his mouth before he could stop himself,

"Why are you alwaaays teasin' Ed about Roy fuckin' Mustang?" he was barely slurring, but he was speaking with unnecessary emphasis on certain words and he didn't say Mustang's name with anything but absolute distaste, "Did he…did Ed, did he tell you?" he raised his eyebrows, tone lilted to questioning at the end.

And he'd started something now, because there it was again, a question that was also an implication that there was something to tell. That tiny buried part of his conscience squirmed deep down inside, but Alphonse couldn't even muster up the sense to feel bad for his slowly unraveling discretion, even as it was leading up to what could well be an inevitable confession one way or another. But then, not so secretly, it was exactly what he wanted. And wouldn't being drunk be the perfect excuse?

"Did he tell me about him and Mustang?" Ling asked neutrally. Cleverly questioning, not confirming nor denying knowing what Al meant. But despite being a little drunk, Alphonse was still too clever for that, and he had ideas now about how this conversation would go, because he'd just decided on what he'd be doing, that being, he was going to lead the conversation in a certain direction under the guise of being too drunk to hold his tongue.

There was a line before him and he could see it, clear as day, and he was about to cross it...

And yeah, the alcohol certainly worked to numb his sense of guilt, while ramping up his feelings of betrayal, but it didn't numb his sense of wrong and right, good and bad, secret and truth and honesty and lies. No, he knew what he was doing. He always did, always had, whenever he'd wanted something and needed to get it from Edward. And it scared him sometimes when he confronted it, acknowledged it, but here he was again...

He eyed the bottle of rice wine where it was set down beside Ling's knee, because that last thought made his squirming conscience start to writhe, and that hurt his stomach and his chest just a bit. But the guilt would always cling to his insides, he knew, from a time long ago when he'd torn Edward apart from the inside out just to get his way.

This wasn't like that time though…or at least he didn't think it would be like that.

It had always been easier to tell himself what he wanted to hear.

And right then he told himself that it was safe to talk to Ling, that Ling would understand.

"Yeah," his voice was a little choked, but it didn't stop him, "about him and Mustang…" Alphonse sniffed as many of his emotions, a jumbled mess, spiked at the self-created mental image of his brother -his love and lover-, kissing Roy Mustang. The false memory even had an imagined location, imagined touches and imagined feelings, and it clung to the walls of his mind the same way that the guilt clung to his vulnerable insides, "…he kissed him. Mustang kissed Ed." he rasped out, and then he snorted, "And I think Edward actually liked it." because what other conclusion could he draw from the way Ed had been behaving lately?

He didn't immediately register how scathing his tone sounded when he said that last sentence, but when he chanced a brief, glazed eyed glance at Ling, he noticed how ruminative Ling appeared. There was a slight frown on his face, but a specific sort of intensity in his gaze. Ling had definitely noticed his tone, noticed the anger, bitterness and disdain when he'd spoken, and now Ling was probably processing it all to understand and figure out exactly what it represented in Alphonse.

Jealousy.

And there was a myriad of questions that Ling could have asked following that, a hundred different things he could have said about Mustang and Ed to lighten the atmosphere, he could have asked about when and where and how and why and commented on what he thought about it, swore to make fun of Ed for it, but instead Ling was preoccupied by Alphonse's own current state and what more it revealed to him that wasn't being said, and Alphonse knew it.

He knew he was a sad sight, slouched against the balcony, more than halfway drunk, eyes consistently watery and probably a little blood shot. He knew he looked defeated because he felt it in his bones, he felt empty, he felt tired, he felt like there was no way out besides a path he had to carve for himself. No way out besides Xing, besides Ling's acceptance and a life away from everything and everyone that would stop him and Edward from being happy together.

A few slight tears slipped from his eyes before he realized it, and at the same time Ling asked quietly,

"It bothers you that Edward and Mustang have shared a kiss?"

Alphonse swallowed sorely, closed his eyes against the fresh dampness catching on his eyelashes and he didn't hesitate, not really, but it took him a few seconds to commit to nodding in answer to Ling's question, to begin the confession, to start the conversation he'd been both needing to have and was afraid to have.

However, there was conventional logic to be applied in this situation, and Alphonse was expecting Ling to draw the conclusion that Alphonse was jealous of Edward kissing Mustang, not the other way around, because normal people with normal attractions and feelings didn't fall in love with and lust after their own siblings. So, Ling thinking that Alphonse liked Mustang would be the reasonable thought process, and Alphonse was mentally psyching himself up to deny that.

But Ling apparently wasn't thinking normally. There was a full minute in which there was no sound besides their breathing, and in which Ling was thinking about something very deeply and very thoroughly and in that time Alphonse opened his eyes and looked at Ling, his green-gold eyes meeting Ling's dark brown and holding. And because they were staring right at one another, Alphonse saw the second where it all clicked into place for Ling.

He saw realization, he saw the slight widening of Ling's slanted eyes, he saw the subtle stiffening of Ling's shoulders, the almost unnoticeable hitch in his breathing…but the reaction was so tame, so controlled, that if Ling was shocked or just enlightened, Alphonse wasn't able to tell.

He didn't seem shocked or thrown, but for him to have been enlightened, it would mean that something on the subject of incest and Alphonse and Edward would have to have already been on his mind in some way or another. That was very curious.

'Did he already suspect?' Alphonse felt himself frown as Ling's lips parted and the young Emperor blinked a few times before licking his lips, not actually saying anything. Alphonse watched him closely, getting the impression that he was carefully considering his next words by the way he hesitated to immediately say anything.

Alphonse didn't say anything either, because suddenly his heart was racing and pounding loudly in his ears as a brief wave of panic moved through him, making his skin prickle with heat. He didn't even dare move right then, because Ling hadn't stopped looking at him and he felt pinned by the comprehension in the other man's gaze.

Ling knew.

"Alphonse," he finally spoke, tone of voice careful and calm and Alphonse blinked slowly when his eyes burned from the lack of blinking, "is Edward aware that you feel this way about him?"

Ah, okay, so Ling didn't actually know.

For some reason it caused laughter to bubble up from Alphonse, a pained, unpleasant sound that was muffled when he rubbed roughly at his face, his panic subsiding to give way to anxiety and second guesses and doubts. He was being given the chance to lie –again. He could still salvage this, he could claim it to be one sided – though wasn't it one sided in actuality?- he could spare Edward the unconsented confession by proxy…

…but the simple fact was that Alphonse didn't want to.

He'd wanted to come to Xing so that he and Ed could be together properly, and while his original plan hadn't included the use of liquid courage and impromptu confessions, right then with everything going the way it was, he felt like maybe forcing Edward's hand was all he could do.

He was not unfamiliar with that process…after all, he'd done it before.

"Alphonse?" Ling prompted gently when Alphonse didn't answer.

The blonde had stopped laughing, was chewing his bottom lip, ignoring the discomfort of his conscience telling him not again, but in a different context this time, squirming and telling him not to do this to Edward again, don't blind side him, don't manipulate him, don't decide for him. But Edward was so strong, so adaptable and he loved Alphonse one way or another.

Alphonse wanted it to be enough, even though a very sure voice in the back of his mind, a voice that sounded like himself but that rung out with an echo of being inside hollow metal, a voice of an Alphonse from so long ago, told him that this time Edward would not forgive him.

That Alphonse was so long gone now, he seemed like he'd been a dream. But life was not a fucking dream.

Alphonse made his decision, he chose to let it be enough and to take the risk and so he nodded again, confirmed for Ling that Edward knew.

Ling nodded, thinking he understood,

"Is that why he has been so ill-tempered, did you recently confess your feelings to him?" but no, he didn't understand.

Not yet.

That time Alphonse was quicker to respond, shaking his head in an answer of 'no' and making Ling frown. Alphonse wet his lips, tasting the salt of his scarce few tears where a trail had settled at the corner of his mouth. He glanced down to his lap briefly and then he took a fortifying breath and met Ling's eyes dead on with open, raw honesty in his gaze; he exhaled his next words,

"We're passed-..." spit caught in his throat and he hesitated a further few seconds before setting the ball rolling, "Ed and I, we're passed that point." he said quietly, sniffing softly, voice a little strained.

He felt so tense suddenly, and yes, there was guilt…but there was also a thrill as he thought, now and finally.

Ling was intelligent and he was clever and perceptive and all the other things that made him cunning and intuitive and wise, but still, ultimately, one plus three would not equal six to him. And there was a clear expression of confusion on his generally unreadable face right then, nothing displaying realization or epiphany, no goofy tension-breaking smile, no serious look foretelling anger or disgust…just confusion. Because unless Alphonse was to spell it out or show it blatantly in some way, people didn't just jump to incest, obviously.

Alphonse hated that while it was obvious to him, as obvious as it felt to be more and more in love with Edward every day, to everyone else, it was just wrong, unlikely, unthinkable, unconscionable.

"Do you mean that he's known for a while now?" Ling asked, still managing to ask the right questions, despite how far off the mark he probably was in his mind. It made Alphonse laugh again, once and then a few more times, quiet and hollow and breathy as he shook his head and wiped at his eyes, they were not quite wet anymore, and then he rubbed his hands roughly over his face again, irritable and scared of the truth even right then, when it'd been his intention all along to reveal it to Ling at some point.

Ling was watching him closely again, thinking and thinking and trying to see something, anything that would clear up everything he couldn't automatically understand or glean from limited information and no clues. Alphonse, emotions veering here and there, suddenly ached to find Edward right then and ask him to say the words 'I love you' just for some reassurance that he didn't need to be so desperate for acceptance. But then, he also ached because he knew he wouldn't ever completely believe that those words from his brother weren't tainted with doubts and maybe even lies.

Because no matter how far they'd come in a year and a few months…there was always a new line, Edward would draw them in random new places and at inconvenient times just to complicate things, just to torture them. And each time Alphonse managed to rub the new line out, two more, maybe three would appear somewhere else in their relationship. And mostly they were small lines; 'don't walk too close in public, Al', or 'we don't need to go everywhere together, Al, it's a little weird', and 'don't get mad, Alphonse, I just don't like it when you talk that way'…on and on, repetitive, unending, where one ended another began.

Alphonse had decided he'd accept the small things, so long as it didn't affect the big things. But now…whatever was bothering Edward was interfering with the singular modicum of stability they'd only recently achieved and Alphonse could not and did not want to weather the next storm. He felt done…no, not felt, he was done.

No more secrets where they weren't needed. Not here in Xing.

Alphonse started to nod in response to the question that Ling probably no longer expected him to answer and then he frowned as he tried to figure out where to earnestly start. The beginning was a sound idea, and he figured it'd be best to start from the reason he abruptly left Xing so long ago now, it was a solid point in his history, a turning point.

But then when he opened his mouth, what came out was,

"Of course he knows, you think…you think that I could keep something, s-something so," he shook his head, "anything, how could I keep anything from Ed. I needed to, it was…" his thoughts veered in another direction, a bitter one, one that went back too far too quickly, to a feeling Alphonse had no right feeling, not then and not now, "…and you know, Ling, Edward could have said no to me," it was so much more than a lie and so much more than just unfair that the words hurt on their way out of his throat. But he was not willing to stop now, consequences be damned, "but he didn't, he let me, Ling, he let…me…" Alphonse made a sound of irritated distress as he rubbed the heels of his palms into his sandy eyes.

His thoughts were all over the place, unorganized and swirling around inside the endless well of frustration that seemed like his existence, making him nauseous and jittery, his heart was racing again,

"And then there's Mustang just…just somehow there and Ed likes him and it's all happening all over again as if it wasn't hard for me to hold onto Edward in the first. Fucking. Place." he was no longer talking very quietly, those last words coming from between clenched teeth and he felt out of breath, chest hurting and head spinning as he abruptly stood up.

Alphonse nearly tripped over his own feet in his dizzy haste as he strode into his room on unsteady legs, cold bare feet clammy and sticking to the smooth wooden floor. He was wiping fresh tears from his eyes. He hadn't even glanced in Ling's direction after his words started to catch up to him, there was no taking it back now and he felt like he couldn't breathe! And Ling still hadn't said anything and he was scared because what did that mean, what-

He started when a gentle hand touched his shoulder and then Ling stepped into his line of sight and placed his other hand on Alphonse's other shoulder. His hands were cool and dry through the cotton of Al's shirt, Al whose skin was flushing hot and cold from panic to fear, and his skin felt sensitive and sore from the stress and clammy from the sweat that had broken out.

He looked right into Ling's face with wide eyes, saw that Ling's expression was somewhere between shocked and…concerned, and all Alphonse could do was stare at him with red rimmed, shining eyes as Ling regarded him with a subtle frown. The hands on his shoulders weren't helping at all, rather they felt foreign and unwelcome to him because regardless of how often Ling got touchy with Edward, he'd never done it with Alphonse, so there was a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of familiarity in the gesture, because Alphonse didn't know how to associate and categorize physical contact from Ling; was it meant to be comforting, grounding, pitying, chastising?

He was tempted to shove Ling away just as badly as he wanted to lean into the other man. It was weakness. He knew.

Alphonse reigned his weaknesses in as much as he could as Ling sighed quietly, his face serious but not judgmental in light of the dots he'd probably connected in the last few minutes. Alphonse held his breath when Ling finally spoke,

"Just so I'm not misunderstanding you, Alphonse," he began and Al blinked unevenly and clenched his fists at his sides, "you and Edward are…" he trailed off here, his hands tightening slightly on Al's shoulders before he continued, "…you're presently involved in-"

'…in in in…incest…' Alphonse's mind screamed, his conscience writhing violently, his chest ached.

"-a non-platonic relationship?" Ling asked with the sort of tact Alphonse couldn't say he expected from Ling.

It was almost clinical in its neutrality.

And the answer would be simple enough, it would require a basic yes or no, a nod or shake of his head but depending on which answer he gave, Alphonse could either recover this moment and tell Ling he'd misunderstood, make up some excuse about how he'd worded it wrong. Or he could confirm Ling's correct assumption and let the secret bleed freely like an old deep wound that just wouldn't ever heal. Would it get infected and slowly, painfully killing him?

"I- I, it's…uh…" Alphonse's voice was a rasp and he cleared his throat, clenching his eyes shut as he shrugged Ling's intrusive hands from his shoulders and took a crooked step back, and then another when he realized, with a physical full body tremor, that he couldn't bring himself to deny or confirm it, he couldn't lie and he couldn't tell the truth as explicitly as he wanted to. He was too afraid of the backlash. He was so scared, scared of something he couldn't even name. Fuck!

Shaking lightly, the initial tremor having taken root, Alphonse closed his eyes briefly and then without looking at Ling he turned around and walked back toward the balcony unsteadily,

"F-forget it, I can't-…"

He couldn't. He wanted to, but...

Ling had followed him a few steps,

"It's okay, Alphonse." he said quietly, damn well sounding so neutral that Alphonse couldn't guess what he was really thinking, but the words only rattled him into further uneasiness because how many times had Edward said those words and not really meant them? It's okay Alphonse...itsokayAlphonseitsokayAlphonseitsokayAlphonseitsokayAlphonse...

This was now or never for him, he'd come that far, and now was his moment to say his piece or forever hold it, but all he could think was,

"No…" he blinked rapidly, breathed deeply and then the shaking on the outside moved inward and he started to crumble, his head moving from side to side as he roughly wiped more wetness from his sore eyes, "…no, no, no!"

This was it.

Alphonse turned around then, breathing erratic as he dragged the back of his wrist over his quivering lips and feeling suddenly far too close to going over some edge that he hadn't realized was right there at his feet, not until that moment where he was faced with a final step to take into a fall that he would never recover from.

He felt like a total wreck, cold and pained with frantic racing thoughts, and he sounded it too when he rasped out,

"It's not okay, Ling, because we're brothers." the words came out tightly, his face contorting into an openly distressed expression as his own words sunk in like a fucking knife, just as they had once before. Except right then there was an end in sight, because Alphonse was finally able to see the whole problem…or rather accept it, and he parted his alcohol stained lips, damp with tears and saliva, expression twitching from distress to defeat as his eyes slowly moved away from Ling to a point behind the other man. Alphonse swallowed a painful lump in his throat before he said quietly,

"I love him too much, and he says he loves me too," Ling's gaze was intense, his slanted eyes open just a fraction wider and Alphonse hated that he hiccupped and started to cry, but he couldn't help it as he stated brokenly, "but I kn-know that it's not the same, and it isn't…eeh-e-enough."

And as Ling lowered his gaze to the floor with a deep frown on his face, Alphonse felt just that much more alone.

'I think, Alphonse, that perhaps it's best if you and Edward remain here until you've sorted this all out.'

That had been Ling's eventual words after they'd stood in cold and eerie silence for several long minutes, a few feet apart and not looking at one another. Alphonse had been barely tipsy by the end of it, and Ling stone sober throughout, and the blackness of his confessed incest with Edward had just hung there between them, ugly and real.

The last thing Alphonse had expected, although it had served as every kind of relief he could have imagined, was for Ling to suggest he and Edward stay there in the palace for a while longer.

'It seems like an unwise decision to continue further into Xing before the two of you find resolution and clear your heads.'

And Ling was right obviously, if they went all the way to the farthest East of Xing and ended up fighting every second on the way there and back, it would just mean misery for them. Far more than it did already anyway. It was further upsetting to Alphonse to not be able to make that trip, because he'd honestly been looking forward to travelling with Ed to Kashi, a city that was very far into Xing and not far from the ocean, the very same city he'd learned about back when he'd been living in Xing, back before everything had come crashing down, back when May had been the one he wanted and she had told him that the city was very lax in everything besides discretion. It had once just been information he'd learned, and then one twisted day it had become a goal.

It was a place where Alphonse had hoped he and Edward would stay for a while, where they could be together freely, within reason of course, but still, it was a place no one would ever know…

But that trip would have to be postponed now, and while Alphonse hoped it wouldn't be indefinite, he also felt a genuine sense of foreboding hanging over his head the following morning after he'd woken up. He lied in bed for a long time staring at the ceiling. He had a mild hangover, a sore throat and a sore neck from sleeping at an awful angle in his exhausted and uncoordinated state and he just hadn't felt motivated to get up. He felt hollowed out.

'You're safe here, Alphonse.'

Those had been Ling's final words before he'd left Alphonse's room the night before. The Emperor hadn't attempted to make any more physical contact, seeing as how Alphonse had been shaking like a leaf and he'd known he probably looked as though he'd breakdown if Ling had come any closer to him. But Ling's words had held the comfort that his touch was sorely lacking in, because by letting Alphonse know he was safe, that both he and Edward would be okay there, far away from Amestris and its oppressive laws, he'd felt the first hints of relief and grounding. He'd felt a sliver of sureness. It felt like Ling had thrown him a much needed lifeline with those words.

And for the last night he and Edward were meant to stay in the palace, but wouldn't actually be, Alphonse had eventually found some strength to get out of bed, he had his lifeline, he told himself he was okay. Alphonse, it's okay.

Presently, he was dressed for the farewell dinner that had been arranged prior to his unintentional confession to Ling in the early hours of that morning, and he was sitting on the edge of the bed in his room wearing the traditional robes that Ling had had made custom for him.

The clothes were beautiful and soft and well fitting,complimenting his tall and lean build, highlighting the broadness of his shoulders and tapered narrowness of his waist, while the wide large sleeves that completely covered his hands softened the angles. The robe was layered over a tunic, wrapped around and tucked into the sash around his waist, which was a fine, sky blue color with a yellow-gold trimming embroidered with patterns. With the robes he wore a pair of plain black Ji shoes, the soles of which were white.

He felt very comfortable in the clothes...but very uncomfortable in his own skin.

He ran a hand through his neatly combed hair, thinking about the dinner he was about to attend, the 'farewell' dinner which was actually not going to be a goodbye, since he had decided not to go to Kashi. He had yet to tell Edward though, throughout the day he hadn't had the nerve to even try. He'd arrived at breakfast that morning just a bit late and slightly hungover, looking worse for wear. He'd expected Edward to notice and comment, but while Edward had noticed, he hadn't commented. He'd merely patted Alphonse brotherly-like on the shoulder and had advised him to eat something, as if his sallow appearance was just down to the need for food.

No, Edward wasn't stupid, Edward was avoiding their issues. Alphonse knew it well, he'd lived it. Still was living it.

And Ling hadn't said anything either, he'd only shared a brief look with Alphonse across the table as some sort of silent reassurance and acknowledgment of what they'd discussed, and then he'd acted as though nothing was different...eating, talking and joking.

Alphonse hadn't thought he'd be able to make himself pretend, but in the end, after a few sweet fresh fruits and a cup of hot tea, he'd switched over to a kind of automatic mode and had eased his way into the flow of conversation. Breakfast actually ran long because of their talking. They touched on various subjects, from serious political stuff to nonsensical joking, there was some nostalgia, a few moments of comfortable silence when the people they'd all lost were mentioned and amidst it all, Alphonse watched Edward hide from him and from Ling, behind a sharp and well-practiced grin as he avoided any lingering eye contact.

Alphonse hadn't pursued the issue, had no intention of doing so, and Edward had excused himself to go off and exercise somewhere in the gardens. Ling went off to do whatever his day to day running of a country required of him and Alphonse had been content to return to his room. And there he'd stayed, he'd been in his room since breakfast that morning, only leaving the room once to freshen up at dusk before he'd returned and dressed and prepared for the dinner.

He knew he should have sent word to have the dinner cancelled, because for some reason Ling hadn't done so, but he'd been too distracted and too indecisive all day. So it was no surprise when there was a brief knock on his door before Ling let himself in. He really wasn't much for boundaries. But of course, he never had been. It nearly made Al smile to think of Ling's window-entering techniques way back when, in simpler times.

Ling closed the door behind himself and Alphonse stood up and turned to face him as he approached,

"I understand we're still having a farewell feast." he begun with an easy, friendly countenance. He was dressed for the occasion in an impressive black and gold Hanfu, a different style than Alphonse's. The robe of Ling's was longer, spreading out onto the floor around and behind him, the sash around his waist was thicker with more layers and tied off to the left side of his abdomen, and atop his head he wore a black and gold Yishanguan. He looked regal…and also slightly ridiculous, but not in a bad way, just in the way that the clothing wasn't really Ling-like.

Alphonse found himself nodding automatically,

"Yeah." he said with a half shrug.

Ling's expression became more serious then,

"Does that mean you've decided to travel to Kashi after all?" he asked evenly.

Al expected the question, since he hadn't openly agreed to Ling's offer to stay, and he still hadn't taken any action to cancel their travel plans.

He sighed and brought his hands up briefly before dropping them back to his sides,

"I'm going to tell Edward, but maybe after the feast." he knew he still sounded uncertain, which was no good because they were scheduled to leave in the morning first thing for Kashi.

Ling's eyebrow rose marginally and then he smiled slightly,

"Do you find he's more agreeable on a full stomach?" he asked, jesting, attempting to lighten the atmosphere, but Alphonse recognized that he was trying not to say or ask what he really wanted to. It went to show that Ling's relationship with him was not the same as it was with Edward. Ling would not just speak his mind, or gesture or express himself too openly around Alphonse, they were not quite that familiar. Their friendship still held many blank areas.

Alphonse thought he might feel bad about that, but he didn't. His feelings were just too used up. However, he did think it was best to give Ling an opening to speak frankly with him, after all, the man now knew the dirtiest, darkest secret he had and there was little point in trying to put that issue back into a safe little box now.

Figuring that honesty on his own side would embolden Ling, Alphonse raised his eyebrows and averted his gaze to the floor as he admitted,

"I'm worried." quieter than he thought he'd be able to sound.

"Worried about telling him that you don't want to go to Kashi?" Ling asked, still sounding neutral, conversational, "Do you think he'll be disappointed?"

At that question Alphonse scoffed, quietness gone, and yes, he knew it sounded bitter,

"Oh, please," he huffed out and pursed his lips briefly, not meeting Ling's eyes as he admitted sourly, "Edward was only going because I wanted to, he doesn't even want to go there." he swallowed and shook his head, "He didn't even really want to come here." he finished blandly.

Ling sighed quietly and Alphonse glanced at him when he heard the rustling of cloth. He watched Ling approach so that he came to stand just two or so feet away, his voice was much quieter when he spoke next,

"You're worried about what will come after you've told him about Kashi?" he was no longer so neutral, he sounded kinder and also sort of sad.

And of course Ling could guess, because Alphonse couldn't help being obvious, so he nodded,

"He's, uh, Ed's going to ask me…" he fidgeted, idly scratching at the short hair behind his ear, "…he's going to want to know why, because he knows I really wanted to go, and now I've just changed my mind and he'll want to know...he'll want to know why." Al folded his arms across his midsection as his stomach turned over. He frowned, "And then I'll have to t-tell him…" he trailed off, feeling a cold ball of tension drop into his stomach. The feeling of foreboding that he hadn't been able to shake, like it was clinging to his bones, clinging to each individual vertebrae of his spine, made him hunch a bit. He felt all out of joint, all wrong, like nothing was connected right inside him.

One moment he felt empty, the next he felt everything.

"Alphonse, I thought you said he already knew, you said that you and he were…together?" Ling treaded lightly, carefully choosing a word to define the situation as he understood it, tactfully avoiding the ugly words like incestuous, sinning or fucking. Alphonse nodded before he could stop himself, giving the clear affirmative he had managed to avoid giving before, and he glanced at Ling afterwards to gauge his reaction, seeing that the young emperor only looked thoughtful and nothing else. Alphonse barreled ahead then, because what the hell? He was already near drowning, in over his head, so he stopped wading and just allowed himself to sink,

"Yes…y-yes, Ed and I are together, properly, we're s-sleep-…" his throat dried up, tightened abruptly. He forcefully cleared it, twice, rethought what he'd been about to say and decided to scratch it, it sounded too sordid to say aloud, "…we have been together for some time now." and the fact that he still couldn't say it to another person without feeling wrong and guilty and disturbed should have told him something about just how much he still wasn't sure his decision of outing their relationship was the right thing to do. Regardless of the country or the law or the friend.

But the words, the confession, was stated plainly and it now held more weight, and he saw Ling take a second to absorb it before he inclined his head to encourage Alphonse to go on, so he did, throat still tight and eyes still averted,

"I'm worried about, uh, telling him." Alphonse paused, took a breath, frowned and blinked and tried to find a clear train of thought in the mess of everything Edward related that wouldn't make him feel angry or sad, "He, uh, I-I didn't…I didn't tell him the real reason I wanted to bring him to Xing." he settled on that, expression tense.

He was having a lot of trouble navigating how to relay information to Ling, who was as much a stranger to Alphonse in this situation as any else would be. He was starting to wonder if it would ever be easy to tell people, 'Hey, I'm sleeping with my brother, and it's okay.'

He'd had the fantasy all along that it would, but that idea was starting to look like nothing more than self-disillusion now.

"The real reason being?" Ling enquired kindly, which was just deceptive and Alphonse thought maybe that was why he was having a hard time talking about this, because he didn't have any idea what Ling was actually thinking.

"Ling," he finally looked into the eyes of the other man, scared of the answer but still asking, "is this okay, are you really okay with what I just told you?" because he had to know.

Ling's eyebrows rose and he blinked a few times, his expression slowly turning thoughtful, and the delay in answering made Alphonse's stomach knot up for every long second it took before Ling finally spoke,

"Well..." he looked away from Alphonse, before trailing his gaze slowly back to the blonde's green-gold eyes, "…truthfully, I found it somewhat unbelievable when you first alluded to it." he admitted and Alphonse frowned at him and his ever-even tone of voice, "But then, as I considered the scenario, I realized that I could see it."

"You could?" Alphonse asked breathlessly, hope and confusion swelling in his chest. Hope for the fact that maybe there'd been something between himself and Edward all along, if an outsider could possibly have seen it, and confusion because he knew there never had been before he'd forced it, so what was Ling actually talking about?

Ling looked uncomfortably serious now, uncomfortable for Alphonse at least, and the Emperor didn't nod or shrug or make any movement of acknowledgement to Al's question. He just stood breathing calmly, his eyes sharply focused on Alphonse when he answered in that damn neutral tone again,

"Yes, because it makes sense that Edward would strive to give you anything you wanted that was within his power."

Alphonse's breathing stuttered audibly at how percipient that statement was, and for a moment he felt as though Ling was able to see right through him, right through him and into the past, to the beginning, back to the first time he took advantage of Ed's personal space allowances, back to that first lie of a kiss that had broken Edward in irreparable ways.

Ways that Alphonse had chosen to mentally bury the memories of in hopes of forgetting because those things he'd done revealed an ugliness in him he was loathe and terrified to face. But it was there, that ugliness…it was always there…it had even been there in bringing Edward to Xing.

And Ling could see it, or at least that's how it seemed right then.

Alphonse wanted to ask how Ling knew that about Ed, and how he just knew that Alphonse was the one who'd initiated incest between himself and Ed, but then...it would have been a stupid question. Alphonse was realizing more and more how obvious he was, even during his confession to Ling he'd been obvious. So he didn't ask, instead he just shook his head, about to say something, when Ling again said something far too perceptive,

"Or at least he's trying to."

Alphonse looked at him with narrowed eyes then, because there was something strange about how easily the pieces were falling into place for Ling, and that told Al that Ling knew more than he was letting on, or that he knew some information that had helped him draw his conclusions. Or maybe Ed's discomfort around Alphonse in the last two days was just that blatant.

Alphonse ignored a pang of soreness that moved through his chest at the thought, taking in a deep breath,

"I wanted to come to Xing because there is no law here against…" he paused, still looking at Ling, feeling vulnerable and practically mumbling when he added, "…incest."

Ling, to his credit, didn't even flinch, but Alphonse did.

"Do you mean, you intended to ask Edward to move here permanently together with you, so you could be open about your relationship?" he spoke at a normal pitch, using that clinical tone again. Like the voice a psychiatrist would use on a patient, or an employer would use when telling an employee they were being let go from their job.

Unaffected, impersonal.

Was Ling secretly angry or disappointed? Maybe even disgusted? He hadn't actually answered that question.

"That'd be, " a shaken inhale, "i-it'd be possible here, right?" Alphonse asked very quietly.

Ling stared at him and Alphonse had a hard time holding his gaze, but he waited it out until Ling nodded evenly,

"Yes." he tilted his head just so, "If it is what both of you want, you'd be welcome in Xing for the rest of your lives."

And that was it. Alphonse had heard the brief but significant pause after the 'yes', and the word 'both' was ringing loudly in his ears.

There was no judgment in Ling's face or voice, no cracks in the veneer of his neutrality, he had a poker face like no other, but his words, what he'd just said, was enough. Considering everything Alphonse had told him so far, it was obvious he'd surmised that Alphonse was the one who was pushing for something, and also he'd likely picked up on the fact that Edward wasn't entirely committed to it, not like Alphonse was. So when Ling made the offer for them to stay in Xing, he was making it on the terms that Ed would want the same thing Alphonse did, and that was all there was.

That was the long and short of it, that was start...and the end of it.

Alphonse nodded once, the movement somewhat uncoordinated as the inevitable reality of his situation, the reality he'd always feared, started to sink in, becoming painfully clear. Ling cared about him, sure he did, but in the aftermath of saving Amestris, in the aftermath of fights won and hard times endured and social bonds created, Edward had been the primary factor.

Edward was always the primary factor...out of the two of them.

Edward was the one people connected with, bonded with, bled with and turned to. They trusted him, believed in him, accepted him, embraced him, encouraged and stood behind him, stood with him. Edward had always been more real than Alphonse to everyone in their lives, and in a very blatant way, because Alphonse had only been partly real for half of his life. So, it made sense that people felt more for the one who'd physically suffered pain and anguish. They'd all seen Ed bleed and break, they'd all watched him get back up over and over again no matter who kicked him down or how hard the blow was, they'd watched him persevere. Stubborn and brilliant.

In the end, even to Alphonse, Edward was the primary factor in everything he did, and in turn, the only person who Alphonse was the primary factor to was Edward. And it was a bitter-sweet thing, because in the glow of the all-powerful love that Edward had for him, Alphonse was completely acknowledged and yet also completely eclipsed. Hidden in Edward's shadow, protected and sheltered by it, but also forced to adapt and live in it.

That...that unhealthy, skewed dynamic of their lives was probably responsible on many levels for the incestuous feelings that developed in Alphonse, that co-dependence had formed warped feelings in him for his own brother. And it wasn't the first time that thought was occurring to him, but this time, instead of thinking of Edward's overwhelming love as a balm for all the things he'd been missing in his life, instead of using it as an excuse for all of his mistakes, the thought ran through him cold and sharp, like being stabbed, and there was no warmth, nothing to fall back on...all he felt right then was loneliness.

For the first time, Edward's unconditional love for him just made him feel lonely.

Because the harsh reality was that if Edward had to push him away, if Edward gave up on him...with no one else who really mattered to him, and no one he really mattered to, where would he end up?

'I'd have to start all over, on my own.' Alphonse thought hollowly as Ling stared at him and he stared at Ling, and the thought that followed the first one was a startling, 'That doesn't sound so bad.'

It sent a prickle of shock down Alphonse's spine as it occurred to him, unexpectedly surfacing from beneath the shame and dread and pain and fear and spiraling loneliness that he'd been experiencing for so long. The brief fleeting flashes of what he'd hoped was progress and happiness, but was very apparently nothing after all that time, weren't going to be enough to keep him going anymore, and he'd never known he might feel that way, feel that it might be best to just leave and start over, but there it was, plain as the truth that he loved Edward far, far too much.

He blinked a bit dazedly as he thought,

'I'm tired…and I'm ruined and I've broken us. What else is left now?'

"I mean what I say, Alphonse," Ling's voice filtered through his daze, "you will be safe here, both of you will." and the young Emperor's features had softened to something friendlier and softer now, so had his tone.

Alphonse tried to smile as his thoughts continued to take path's previously not considered.

'Edward never wanted this, never really. I perverted him, I changed him, I tore into him, into his softest parts, parts that he'd only ever exposed to me, I took advantage of his vulnerability for me.'

Ling sighed,

"I'll see you at the feast," he started to turn but then he paused, "will you be alright?"

'No.' Alphonse thought, "Yes." he said aloud and nodded once slowly.

Ling nodded as well before glancing over the length of Alphonse in his robes with a pleasant smile,

"I see the Hanfu looks even better on you than I'd thought it would."

Alphonse felt like something inside of him was ticking, maybe had been ticking all along, and the countdown had been delayed a few times, whenever Edward paused the stopwatch along the way. But now there was no way of stopping anything, he'd broken the stopwatch, smashed it to pieces when he'd confessed to Ling, he'd snatched it right out of Edward's hand, removed all choice and control Edward had, and he'd just destroyed it, and with that metaphor stuck in his mind, Alphonse knew now, he knew…'I'm a monster.'

A worse monster than anything Edward had ever faced, Alphonse was the worst because he was the kind of monster that was inside, he was a personal monster, he was practically a fucking nightmare that Edward could and would never stop having, could never cast out of his mind or forget about. Alphonse was attached to him, close and near and everywhere. He'd gotten into places in Edward's mind where he would always linger, always be imprinted, even after everything ended…if there even was an after. But there would be an after, right? There had to be. Alphonse just had no idea what that would look like.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Ling was frowning now and Alphonse had no idea what look was on his face, he just knew he felt cold and hollow. But he made himself smile. It was probably too weak and a little crooked, but he forced it,

"I'm fine." his voice flatter than usual, so was his heart rate mind you, "You go ahead, I just have to get something, I'll be down soon."

He watched as Ling, looking uncertain, finally turned to walk to the door, exiting and then closing it quietly behind him.

Alphonse took in a quiet breath once he was alone and a small smile twitched onto his face; it was a desolate smile. His gaze drifted to the fire cauldron in the corner of the room, where inside the opening all he could see was ashes.

'There are many ways to burn something down.' he thought miserably. He knew all the ways because he was an alchemist, but also because he and Ed had burned their own house down together as kids. In many ways, his and Edward's relationship was currently on fire, that's why everything hurt so bad. Because even though something could still be beautiful while it burned, in the end only ashes and crumbling pieces were ever left behind.

Alphonse had once believed he could have Edward and have Edward at the same time.

He'd once believed they could be real and beautiful and only for one another in every way.

But now he knew, he knew that there was no fixing or salvaging something burned up in a fire, wild or controlled, fire only destroyed. That's why their house still stood up on that hill, untouched. It'd have to be completely torn down and cleared away before anything else could take it's place. Like it had never existed in the first place...

Was that where he and Edward were heading?

He turned slowly, glancing at his luggage, before he moved toward his bags to retrieve the gift he'd purchased for Ling from himself and on behalf of Edward.

He lifted it from his suitcase with trembling hands.

He thought it would be best to speak to Edward after the feast.

As he turned to leave the room, aching with silent pain, the fresh cut of reality he'd just been dealt bleeding freely, he took a few deep breaths and forced himself to settle on some kind of resolve. Edward was the one trapped on all sides, choking on smoke and suffocating slowly, burned raw and scarred forever, all because of Alphonse's carefully controlled and well fed fire. His Love. Too Much.

Alphonse had to smother it. He had to smother himself.

He was terrified though, of what would be left behind after he put out the fire.

Or of what he'd find was never there at all.

I'm a fucking monster...
When all I wanted was something beautiful.