UGLY LOVE

"I think it might be easier if we fell away to the bottom of the sea

I bet it might be easier to flee

Run to the hills where you can't find me

But I just don't want to run away,

Not when your love is right in front of me."

Kuroko takes the last box from Furihata's hands with a small smile.

"This would be a great help for the kids." Kuroko says as looks at the box. "Please send our thanks to Akashi-kun later."

Furihata smiles back and shakes his head. After a long one year Kagami has returned from America for vacation and somehow Kuroko decided to spend the vacation with his light by raising donations and funds to help the less fortunate children in orphanages. As soon Akashi heard of this, the red head quickly raised his interest in sharing his former belongings as a child which strangely his father still kept in the attic of their house in Tokyo.

Most of the items are still in a very good condition. Some clothes aren't even opened yet from their packaging, some toys remained in their boxes with barely small dents in the boxes from being kept so long, some shoes that he had only use once or twice when he was young are stock in the attic. His father might have forgotten about them and so did Akashi for a while until Kuroko raised the idea of donating toys and clothes.

"These toys look good as new." Kuroko commented as he puts the box in the trunk of the car.

"Akashi-kun said some were gifts that he didn't really liked as a child so they were kept away instead." Furihata explains remembering the red head's words.

Kuroko faces the brunet and smiles again. It has been a year since Furihata and Akashi started officially dating each other. Since then something in Akashi changed and somehow that made Kuroko feel more at ease. Though Kuroko and Akashi's friendship once hit rock bottom he still cared for the red head. Seeing how the red head almost self-destruct before the end of their Winter Cup lit the fire of his concern for the other.

During the game with the Jabberwock it was when Kuroko realized the strange affinity of the red head towards the brunet. Furihata was oblivious of it at first, and perhaps Akashi as well but as their interaction became more frequent he saw it blooming between them. Akashi somehow began to become more gentle towards others, his words were more careful and his tough exterior seems to shed whenever he was with the brunet. When the two began dating officially Kuroko wasn't surprised anymore.

To be honest, Kuroko prayed that they do end up with each other, it was just the way Furihata affected Akashi in a good way. Somehow Akashi seems more courageous, more alive when he is with him.

"Thank you." Kuroko says.

Furihata chuckles, "T-These are all from Akashi-kun though."

Kuroko shakes his head with a small smile. Furihata still has yet to understand how much he has given to Akashi.

Akashi had to run to return to Kyoto for an urgent meeting with his father, Furihata kindly offered to be the one to meet Kagami and Kuroko for the donations. The red head took the offer and left the house in the brunet's care, after all they've spend quite a lot of time in their anyways the brunet practically lives there.

"Aren't you two running late?" Furihata asks as he looks at the driver's seat of the car where Kagami sat watching them talk.

Furihata waves at Kagami who grins and waves back.

"I'm sorry," Kuroko says as he bows his head to excuse them, "We will see you sometime later."

Furihata nods and bids the teal head goodbye. Kuroko walks to the passenger seat and slips inside. Furihata watches Kagami seem to say something, the red head sighs and moves to put on Kuroko's seatbelt. Even though it has been a year since Kagami left Japan to continue his career and study in America, he never forgot about Kuroko, or the team. Even if they didn't say it one could see how close the two were.

As the car starts and moves forward, the brunet couldn't help but to think about the two's relationship. When Kagami left for America a part of Furihata wanted to scold Kuroko, ask him why he let him go, ask him why he didn't stop him when everyone knows that one word from him would be enough to stop Kagami, ask him let him when it breaks him so much? Kagami is everything Kuroko ever needed, and when he left they knew the teal head would inevitably leave basketball as well. It wasn't the smartest choice but without Kagami, Kuroko couldn't stand in the court.

The court was everything for Kuroko…until Kagami came.

It took Furihata quite some time to realize why Kuroko did what he did. Sometimes people must have to make difficult decision, Kuroko had to pick between his personal feelings and Kagami's personal growth. He chose the latter.

He allowed him to leave though he knew how hard that would be, he didn't want him to be chained to him and hinder the other's dreams just because he can. He gave him his faith and freedom in all of that, somehow it is both frightening and admirable. It's like jumping from a height with his eyes closed just blinding believing that someone down there would catch him.

Thankfully, Kagami did.

As soon as the car is out of sight, Furihata returns inside the house and closes the door. His footsteps is loud in the quite house, in Akashi's house in Tokyo there are only few maids. For a very long time this house is vacant or so Akashi said, since his mother died Akashi and his father moved their main residence to Kyoto. The house reminded Akashi's father of the woman he loved most, the woman who broke his heart by leaving too soon.

Perhaps it is the same case for Akashi knowing how much he loves his mother, but somehow those wounds had slowly healed and now they can return there without the bitter memories. Akashi's father too would sometimes visit there and hold a dinner for him and his son. The house would be filled with chatters, sounds of utensil against the plates and occasional laughter, it had changed.

As Furihata reaches the attic, he opens the door and takes in the sight again. A small circular window lights up the room with natural light, it looks wider now that most of the boxes have disappeared, old oil paintings lean against the wall in one corner, while an empty wooden shelf is on the other side. Furihata had seen the attic a couple of times but somehow he only realized how much this place holds for Akashi. The red head said that when he was younger and he didn't want to come to listen to the lectures of his tutors he would hide there and he'd read his favourite books there in secret.

This place is his secret base, this was where Akashi's lost childhood was.

The brunet walks up to the dusty desk on the side of the room. He imagines Akashi as a boy sitting there quietly reading picture books. Furihata sits down on the chair facing the desk and imagines the small boy there sitting enjoying himself and his small own little world away from the crushing expectations.

By curiosity, the brunet opens the drawer and his eyes falls to strange white envelopes that doesn't seem too. He gather them and put them on his desk. They were all unsealed. He turns one and his eyes fall on a very familiar handwriting. GOODBYE it says and underneath is a date, November 14, 2016.

November 14 2016 is only a few days after the championship of Winter Cup, the first time he met Akashi. Intrigued and slight worried due to the word written on the envelope, Furihata pulls out the letter from the envelope and carefully unfolds it and he begins to read it.

"From the start I am weak and brittle,

Father tried to see and polish what he thinks I have,

Mother tried to hold my broken pieces

But I am beyond repair, I am hopeless and there's just something I can't hold together.

My fear grew so big that it became HIM.

And together we crushed what was left for us, our friends.

I was so blinded by my fear to be accepted and needed

And we were swallowed whole by it.

When I came to it, I saw everything again and it was so painful.

I saw the scars I left on the people I loved,

Like a blade I cut them so easily just by touching.

I have failed father and I've lost my mother,

I wounded the people who only wanted what was good for me.

The pain inside hurts so much I want to scream until my voice fades

Being awake hurts, being alive hurts.

What did this people do to deserve the hurt I gave them?

They did not deserve the words I said, they deserve better.

My existence would remind them of all the disappointment, the agony,

The scars and broken relationships I caused.

They should not be living like this for this is a burden that I should have carried a long time ago.

This is a battle I should have faced but instead I ran away.

Maybe it is time to pay for the damages I caused

With the price equal to their values.

I hope that it would be better soon,

I hope they find it in their hearts to forgive me and the things we did.

I am truly sorry.

Goodbye.

A single tear drops and wets the paper, Furihata blinks and he feels the warm tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. His hands tremble as he holds the suicide letter in his hand. A single sob erupts from his lips. They never knew what went in Akashi's mind after the Winter Cup, nobody had ever realized the weight of the implication of their loss to Akashi.

As Furihata wipes his tear away he realizes one thing, this suicide letter was written almost a year and a half ago and Akashi never really had an incident that threatened his life. Though it is great and truly thankful that the other didn't push through, a question remains—what convinced Akashi not to pursue this? The brunet looks down and he sees another unsealed envelope, he takes it and opens it. He reads it.

On my way home to our house in Tokyo to do it where no one else will be there to stop me I saw this familiar face. He was playing in a small basketball court still wearing their school uniform. I got off the car and he found me. He stopped and walked to me with an awkward smile.

I wanted to get away for some reason, I didn't want to taint him too with my darkness or maybe I was not prepared for the way he smiled at me.

He said something and I just forgot everything and I laughed. I took a step forward, I stepped inside that small shabby court and he told me I look quite mesmerizing standing there he compared me to a ruby in a pile of ores, I wanted to tell him he's wrong but he looked convinced. He stood a at least two feet away from me yet he seem very close that I could feel his warmth.

He dropped the ball and he begun started to blabber, I couldn't really follow much but I realized he was commending my team, and me. I smiled, those words were wasted on someone like me. I wouldn't be there for long anyways. If there was anyone who deserved those words it would be this person. People looked at him and undermined him yet he stood tall and played a clean game.

Truthfully he reminded me of Tetsuya when I first met him yet something is different about him.

I told him what I thought about him, maybe it would be the last time I will be able to so I did it and I saw in his eyes shock.

His lips trembled and his cheeks turned beet red that I found myself stopping just to look at him. He reminded me of small skittish animal. He stuttered his thanks and said he was nothing, and I scoffed. Truly how can he think like that.

I wanted to be like him.

When I saw his courage I felt jealousy. I wanted to have that too. I want to be as strong as him to face the responsibilities that I was given, I want that strong heart to carry on despite everything.

How can he look so unsure of himself? I stepped forward again and he lowers his head and begun to enumerate the reasons why he didn't deserve those words. But they were the truth.

Then he said three simple words that inevitably stop every single thoughts passing in my mind that moment, I looked at his eyes to find any trace of lies in them but I saw none. He continues to speak and I remained still unable to help myself under the fondness and sincerity of his brown eyes. The loud screaming pain inside my chest was drowned by his awkward chuckles.

Then he stops as he hears the sound of a phone ringing.

He gathers up his belongings and bids me goodbye.

He said that we will see each other soon to plan for Tetsuya's birthday.

I nodded and hoped that he'd call me soon.

Maybe I won't be dying today.

Furihata's eyes widen at the details on the second letter. He gathers up his courage and he opens the third letter.

Father called me to ask where I was, I said I wanted to be alone for a while and was in Tokyo. He understand soon as I said those words. I braced myself to hear him tell me how much he is disappointed of me but after a short pause I heard him say 'I am sorry'. There was a long silence between us, I was waiting for him to say something to add to that while he perhaps waited for my reaction.

I did not know what to say but something inside me stirs.

He remained on the line and finally he told me that he was apologizing for everything that he wasn't able to be, for failing to be a father that I needed. And I stood there holding the phone and looking at an old photograph of my mother, no it wasn't his fault that I was born like this, it was just because I'm weak. I always seem to find a way for them to be utterly disappointed in me. I failed to be a child that would make him proud.

He said goodbye and I hang up. I stand went to my father's former study, underneath his desk I know is small pistol. When I was young he told me where it was instructing me to find it if anyone dares to break in. I opened the drawer and took out the pistol, it was heavy and cold against my fingertips. I was about to check if it was loaded when I heard my phone ring in my pocket.

An unknown number flashes in the screen but somehow I felt the urge to answer it, as soon as I answered it I heard a familiar stuttering voice. He introduced himself and I just left the pistol back to the drawer, I sat down on Father's couch and listened to that voice explaining how he got my number from Tetsuya. I chuckled at the silliness of it all, he laughed too and said he didn't even allow me to even confirm if it's me and I confirmed myself.

I asked him why was he calling and he just said that something told him he had to, I smile to myself and out of the blue my tongue moved faster than my brain and I told him that I was waiting for him. He was quiet for a moment and in a small voice he said that he was glad that his call was not unwanted.

I remained in the line listening to his stories, I asked questions occasionally and I imagined him telling me those things personally, his nervous laughter, the twinkle in his eyes and his awkward grins. I wanted to see him soon.

Tetsuya's birthday, I wish it comes very soon.

I closed my eyes and I listened to him, my mind is blank and I hear him tell me how he wish one day we will face each other again in the court, he said he will do his best that time. And I started imagining him lining up as well in his basketball uniform, his limbs no longer shaking and his eyes looks up to me with pride. I feel adrenalin pumps into my blood, and I told him that I am as excited as well and that I can't wait.

He laughs and I lost myself there, before I knew it I was starting to drift to sleep.

He bid me good night and I wished him good night too. Before the call ended I heard him ask me if I had free time tomorrow and I said yes. I heard the joy in his voice and he told me that the rest of the Generation of Miracles with Kagami and minus Kuroko were planning a secret get together to plan Kuroko's birthday surprise. I closed my eyes and said okay.

I forgot about the gun and I just fell asleep.

Furihata purses his lips, he remembers this day, it was the first time he ever spoke so casually with Akashi and the very first time he realized how different the man was to how he first saw him. However with now a new insight of that day he couldn't help but to feel so relived he called that day. He takes the last letter and opens it.

I have hidden the gun in the vault, it would be safer that way. Tomorrow we will face the Jabberwocks, I have confidence that our teamwork will be able to surpass these players and maybe the faith I have with myself has been decreased since but my faith in my friends have been stronger.

This perhaps will be the last time I will write as well but the reason for that is something beautiful. I have now a courage though somehow bits of it are borrowed, I feel it in my blood. And somehow I know Mother would be proud of my decision. I found a place where I belong, a voice that told me I am enough and needed, that I am forgiven.

I found Furihata Kouki.

Though I am brittle and weak, though I am scarred and vulnerable this person still looked at me like I put the stars in the sky. And no, I do not just love how he loves me, I love HIM. And I know that I need him so much it makes me want not to miss a day because that means one day without him. His smile, his laughter, his furrowed eyebrows, the way he say my name, his brown eyes, his warm embraces, his awkward cheers I need all of it, I want to see every last of it so I must live.

To die for the people whom you've loved and hurt is easy, but to live for them that is truly what I think is love.

I told Father about it too, I waited for his anger but it never came. He sighed and looked at me. Instead he said that he was wondering for so long what came to me that changed me, I didn't understand what he meant but he nodded and said he'd like to meet Furihata Kouki soon.

And maybe I still do doubt myself…but I don't doubt Kouki, and if he believes in me that would be enough for the rest of my life.

He met me when I was in chaos and he chose to stay, maybe I wasn't as hopeless as I thought. Maybe there is still something worth loving in me and I will wake up every day to find out just what those are for Kouki one by one.

Maybe I was not kind…but I will try to be.

Maybe I failed but I will try again.

I can't leave Kouki, he needs me…and I need him.

I love him so much it makes me want to keep on living.

I'm ready now.

.

.

.

.

Its already pass lunch when Akashi was able to return to Tokyo, as soon as the door opens he finds Furihata with cheeks red and eyes swollen from crying. The red head's mood quickly shifts due to concern, he steps in and closes the door behind him. He cups the other's cheek and looked at him gingerly.

"You've cried. What happened?"

Furihata shakes his head and allows a small smile to appear in his lips.

"I love you."

Akashi blinks at the other's words, the brunet is usually very reserve and modest though it is not unusual of him to say those words it is not as often he hears him initiate it either. It made the red head smile, a warmth spreads in his chest.

"Well I love you too, very much."

Furihata smiles and buries his face in the other's chest, he can hear the pounding of his chest, they beat for him.

"I'm thankful to have you." Akashi says as he kisses the brunet's head.

Furihata closes his eyes as he inhales the other's familiar scent, those words that Akashi always said to him since they started dating now means so deeply for Furihata. Furihata in all his weakness and flaws had saved one man, and this man is now in his arms warm and alive. And maybe they didn't have the most perfect relationship but they had all that they needed.

They had each other.