Author's Note: Came across this fanon notion for the umpteenth time and remembered cases in which it would have been useful.

Content warning for briefly described Death Eater atrocities.

#####

"It was so terrible, Mr. Crouch," Lucius Malfoy sobbed, the very picture of remorse. "The Dark Lord - he had the power to do the most terrible things -"

"Very well, Lucius," Bartemius Crouch mused, opening the man's file and making an equally-honest act of leafing through it. Once again, the photographs of the images of the Mould-On-The-Would raid nearly made him gag. "I must admit, I am inclined to let an upstanding young man life yourself go." Off a cliff and into the ocean. "If I may ask - I require you to do only one thing first. One little... trivial... thing."

Malfoy looked up, for an instant failing to disguise his greed. "Sir - that is so generous of you - what is it?"

"Give a Wizard's Oath that you neither willingly served He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named nor knowingly and willingly aided any of his servants." Malfoy's face went blank. Bartemius smiled. "Is there a problem, Lucius?" He made a slight motion with his hand, and the Aurors on either side of Malfoy closed in, wands at the ready. Malfoy squirmed like the flobberworm he was. "You do know how, don't you?"

The man was pale and silent. "Here, I'll show you," Bartemius said. Crossing one arm over his heart, he declared, "By Merlin and my magic, I swear I have neither willingly served He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named nor knowingly and willingly aided any of his servants."

The jolt of magic went through everyone in the room; in the silence that followed, he picked up his wand and said, "Lumos." The tip immediately lit, showing that he still had his magic. "Well, Lucius?" he asked, pointing the shining wand at the white-faced man. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I - have a wife and a young son."

The smile fell off Bartemius's face. "So did the McKinnons," he snarled. "And do you remember Jeremiah Prewett, Malfoy? He had a wife and young son, too. Do you remember his wife? Because the... fluids... left on her body say you did."

"I was under the Imperius-"

"Give your Wizard's Oath, Malfoy." Not bothering even to lower his wand this time, he crossed his arm over his heart again and declared, "By Merlin and my magic, I swear I have never raped a woman." Another surge of magic went through those assembled. "By Merlin and my magic, I swear I have never dashed a child's brains out against the wall." And yet another: and still his wand remained lit. "Or used his father's entrails to spell out Blood-Traitor." He looked around at the other Aurors. "Do I need to take a Wizard's Oath on that?" he inquired, and gathered a few uncomfortable laughs. Those who had not studied Malfoy's case, however, were staring at him with revulsion, and proud Lucius Malfoy shrank from them. "Should I, so as to give you an example, Lucius?"

The man's eyes darted about, but no opportunity for escape presented itself to him. At last, his lips peeled back from his teeth. "The Dark Lord may not be as dead as you think, Crouch," he spat. "If - when - he should return, you shall regret your pitiful, arrogant attempts at justice-"

"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy." He nodded to the Aurors. "Take him away. Consider him guilty of any crime for which he refuses to give a Wizard's Oath that he did not willingly commit." Looking at his 'appointment list' for the day - which might be insufficient, at this pace - he said, "Next."