"Don't freak out, kid."

"Gah!"

Adrien shrieked, feet sliding along the shower tiles as he desperately tried to find purchase. His hands hit the edge of one of the built-in shelves which he clutched tightly as shampoo ran down his forehead and into his eyes.

"Son of a–"

"I told you not to freak out." Plagg chided as Adrien blindly slapped the walls until he found where his towel was hanging. Angry tears leaked down his cheeks as he tried to flush out the wayward soap.

"First of all," Adrien growled, his voice muffled by his towel. "That's a guaranteed way to get someone to freak out."

"Noted."

"And secondly," He said, glaring through his non-infected eye. "I thought we had an agreement about the bathroom."

Plagg rolled his eyes. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."

"That's beside the point!" Adrien snapped. "It's a courtesy."

"Well speaking of courtesy, kid. We've got company."

"What are you talking abo– oh my god!"

This time he did slip, falling feet over ass onto the floor as water continued pouring down on him.

"Oh dear." A tinkling voice said above him.

Adrien ignored his aching tailbone and slicked back the hair from his eyes to see a bright red and black sprite frowning down at him in concern.

"Feh." He said, dumbly.

The little sprite - another kwami? - turned to Plagg. "I thought you told him not to freak out?"

"I did." He said, scowling. "The boy doesn't' listen."

The boy in question was starting to come to his senses as he realized he was still wet and splayed out, very much on display, for their unexpected… guest.

Neither one of them seemed to notice.

"Kid this is Tikki. Tikki this is the kid." Plagg drawled.

Tikki flew down to his eye line, just out of reach of the shower stream. "It's very nice to meet you, Chat Noir."

Adrien could only blink.

Plagg snorted. "And I thought your Bug had issues."

"L-Ladybug?" He said weakly.

Tikki smiled.

Please god this isn't happening.

Adrien scrambled to his feet with as much naked, panicked dignity as he could muster. Tikki, bless her, kept her eyes on his face as he snatched his towel from the rack and turned off the water.

"To, uh, what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked, turning his back on his shameless visitors as he adjusted the towel.

"Ladybug needs your help."

"What?" He whirled around, nearly falling again in his panic. "Where is she? What happened? Is she hurt? Plagg, Claws O–mph!"

Adrien sputtered as Plagg removed his paws from his mouth.

Tikki giggled. "He is impulsive isn't he?"

"Maybe you should put some pants on first, champ."

Adrien cast a panicked look towards Tikki.

"Don't worry. She's safe. She's just a little… tied down at the moment."

His shoulders slumped in relief only to tense again as the two kwamis stared at him expectantly.

"Um, can I get a little privacy?"

She'd fucked up.

Okay, well maybe that wasn't quite fair, as she really had no way of knowing there was an akuma lurking just outside the downtown metro.

Then again, after three years of this gig maybe she should have.

Because really, why wouldn't some poor pockmarked kid be confronted by a bunch of bullies as he left Parisian Comic Con? And why wouldn't Hawkmoth take advantage of said kid's roiling emotions and turn him into some crazed life-sized action figure akuma? Furthermore, why then wouldn't the next person he ran into be Marinette I-love-my-best-friend-so-much-I'll-brave-con-crowds-to-grab-that-signed-Majestia-comic-because-she's-stuck-babysitting Dupain-Cheng?

And all of these things being true, then why wouldn't he transform her into a plastic wrapped doll on sight?

I thought this shit only happened to Chat Noir.

Thankfully she'd seen the blast coming just in time and had the wherewithal to toss her purse and Tikki (hey!) out of the way. Small blessings really when she found her arms and legs tied down to the cardboard backing.

The akuma, satisfied with a job well done, wandered off to ruin the rest of Paris' day, leaving Marinette stiff and unblinking, a cheek-cringing smile plastered on her face.

Tikki, bless her, tried her best. She really did.

But it was hard enough for the kwami to drag her box out of direct pedestrian trampling range let alone rip through the reinforced packaging.

"Oh my," Tikki said, her voice slightly muffled through the plastic. "I think we're going to need some help."

Fantastic. She could hear her partner now.

Chat always said she cast a striking figure, but this was ridiculous.

Adrien did not wake up this morning intending on discovering his lady's identity.

Sure, he hoped but it was in the same abstract way he hoped his father would show up for dinner or that Hawkmoth would fall off a cliff– always there in the back of his mind but never acknowledged as an attainable reality.

Needless to say, he was freaking out.

Be cool, kid. Plagg had said before disappearing into the ring. It was clear from his tone alone that his kwami had little faith in that happening.

Adrien was determined to prove him wrong.

He could be cool. He was Chat freaking Noir. He was the epitome of cool.

He was going to ride in, rescue his lady, be totally and completely casual about this whole mess, and his coolness and casualness was going to sweep her off her adorable polka dotted feet.

Cool.

"We're almost there!" Tikki shouted.

Adrien tripped over a loose roof tile and nearly somersaulted over the ledge. The little ladybug's laughter echoed around him like annoying, magical wind chimes.

"Don't be nervous Chat Noir."

"I'm not nervous."

"Okay." She chirped. It irked him that he couldn't be sure whether she believed him or not.

Plagg may be a pain in the ass but there was something about Tikki's kind smiles and guileless eyes that screamed mischief.

Adrien followed her down into an alley near a metro entrance before she pulled back to rest on his shoulder.

"She's near the escalators."

Adrien went towards the direction Tikki pointed him and could see the backside of a doll manufacturer's packaging. His heart beat erratically and he was sure his palms were sweating beneath his suit.

He could do this.

All he had to do was be cool.

Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.

Slowly, he picked up the box, a suave and totally casual what a doll-ightful suprise, my lady at the ready–

only to turn over the box to find a doe-eyed manic-grinned Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Eep.

"Hey Chat," She said sheepishly.

Adrien couldn't help it. He screamed.

Way to be cool.

A/N: Part 1/2