Hi all! Sorry it's been a while, but I've been really busy writing and editing my latest book, which is now for sale (head to my profile if you're curious)! Now that I have time to work on fanfic, I have a few stories in mind, starting with this one! If you want to stay updated, just register for an account and put me on follow!
I'm so excited to have another story to share! Please enjoy!

Chapter 1

Maura stepped out of the hospital and took a deep breath in the frosty air. She was doing the right thing. It was normal to be scared, but it was definitely the right thing.

She saw a robin land in a tree outside the hospital entrance. She looked at it with interest, realizing she hadn't seen a robin all winter. Suddenly the bird took off, joining a flock of birds departing from a larger tree. She watched them go, wondering what it would be like to just fly over the city, leaving everything behind, no one asking her to give up any part of herself. Birds probably never felt the way she was feeling now – like she had to sacrifice something of herself as payment, as an apology, as a way of erasing the burden of her existence. It was the right thing to do. She would save someone, and they would be glad she existed, and they would all go their separate ways. She wouldn't feel bad anymore. She would just feel happy that she saved someone, that she gave someone what she herself couldn't have.

Just like that, the flock of robins was gone. Fleeting, just like everything else in life. It was naïve to expect any kind of permanence. Even your body was constantly changing, never really your own.

There were just a few things she had control over. One of them was her house, which she was relieved to be heading to now, after spending an entire day at the hospital undergoing a battery of tests to determine if she was healthy enough, physically and mentally, to be a kidney donor. They also had to confirm that she was a match for Cailin, as her own personal DNA testing was not sufficient for the transplant team.

She couldn't help smiling when she saw Jane's car in front of her house. Jane was the most important constant in her life, the only person she could really count on. A year ago she had truly believed she'd lost her, lost the only person she'd ever had who truly loved her for who she was. She had believed Jane would always be on her side, had not even been surprised that Jane planned on making no move to get Paddy arrested until Maura was ready to deal with it. Maura's feelings towards Paddy were complicated, to say the least. Years after losing her trust in her adoptive father, she desperately missed having that kind of relationship in her life, and here was a father who seemed to love her unconditionally, who would risk his life to protect her. Her emotions ran so high that it took time for her usual logic to kick in, to help her accept that he wasn't a good person and couldn't be part of her life. He was a man who both intrigued and frightened her. He was someone who kept her safe, and yet, he was often the reason she was in danger. She didn't know how to feel, but she knew Jane would give her time to sort it out.

Until she didn't. Maura still remembered the unexpected betrayal she felt when Jane shot Paddy, the way her heart shattered not so much from the threat to Paddy's life, but from the seeming indifference from Jane. She could see afterwards that Jane knew how much this had hurt Maura, and that made it even worse. It meant Maura wasn't Jane's top priority after all. The job was Jane's top priority, just as it had been before she met Maura. She had never cared about Maura as much as Maura cared about her, a lesson Maura had learned over and over in her life with everyone she got close to.

Of course, it had only taken a matter of hours for Maura to realize Jane hadn't had a choice, but by then she'd said horrible things to Jane, and Jane was never someone who was quick to forgive. Every time they saw each other, Jane was still angry, and it made Maura angry too. How could Jane just throw away their friendship like this? Had it meant nothing to her?

It was the worst feeling in the world, thinking the best thing to ever happen in her life was over.

But over time she had come to understand Jane's point of view, of course, and that Jane was thinking almost the same thing she was. She'd thought Maura had enough trust in her to know that she wouldn't have done what she did unless she had to, and she felt betrayed when Maura accused her of shooting someone without cause. She had also proven once again that she would do anything for Maura, even die for her if she had to, or die with her if she couldn't save her, as had nearly been the case at that yoga retreat.

And now Jane was back, the trust between them restored, and they hadn't had even a small fight since the big one. Maura wasn't sure she could ever bring herself to be truly angry with Jane again.

She found the detective lounging on her couch, reading the newspaper just like she lived there. "Hey," she said. "So how did it go? Are you healthy enough to be a kidney donor?"

Maura lifted Jane's feet and sat down with them in her lap, rubbing them the way she knew Jane liked. "I still have to wait for the test results, and I don't know what will go in the psychologist's report, but the physical went well."

"Why did you have to see a psychologist? They gotta make sure you're not crazy?"

"No, they just want to make sure I'm donating a kidney for the right reasons."

"And what did you tell them?"

Maura stopped rubbing Jane's feet. "Do you think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons?"

"Sweetie, I don't even know what the right reasons would be. It's hard for me to even imagine doing something like this for someone I barely know. I don't know which reasons count as right or wrong. I'm just curious to know what reasons you gave."

Maura resumed rubbing Jane's feet. "I told them I thought it was unfair for an 18-year-old girl to be stuck on dialysis when she should be enjoying life, and I wanted to change that for her. And that Hope already lost one daughter, and I didn't want her to have to lose the other one."

"Maura," said Jane, her eyes tender. "You're still alive and well, and she knows that now."

"I'm lost to her," insisted Maura. "She never got to bond with me when I was a baby, and I'll never feel like a daughter to her now. Cailin is her real daughter. She's the one who matters."

"You're the one who matters to me." Jane sat up, pulling her feet from Maura's lap. "You didn't know Hope a year ago, but look how far you're willing to go for her now. If she could matter that much to you, you should matter at least that much to her."

Maura blinked back tears. "But I don't."

There was a glint in Jane's eyes, and for a moment she looked like she wanted to shoot someone. "You don't owe them anything. You don't have to do this. Cailin can keep doing dialysis and get a kidney from someone who dies in a car accident or something, the same way she'd get a new heart or liver if she needed one. You couldn't help her with that."

"But I can give her a new kidney. I just hope I'm not doing it for selfish reasons."

Jane gaped at her. "How do you selfishly give someone your kidney?"

"Maybe it's just because I don't want them to be mad at me anymore."

"For existing?"

"In a way, all of this is my fault. It was my death that caused Hope to devote her life to service abroad, and that's how Cailin got the kidney infection. Plus Cailin had to grow up in a dead baby's shadow, so Hope was never quite the mother to her she should have been."

Jane threw her hands up in frustration. "Maura, you're not dead!"

"They thought I was for 36 years! That's what matters." She looked down, twisting her hands. "Anyway, I wasn't clear on whether it was my death Hope felt guilty about, or my birth."

Jane put her hand on Maura's shoulder. "If she feels guilty about bringing you into the world, she doesn't deserve to be happy."

A tear slipped down Maura's face. "I would never forgive myself if I didn't do this. There's no guarantee she would find another donor in time. She's my only living biological sibling, and she may not want anything to do with me, but I just want to give this to her. It's what a good big sister would do. I've never had the chance to be that before, and I always wanted to."

Jane wrapped her into a hug. "This is why you amaze me."

Maura allowed herself a few tears, but then she pulled herself together. This wasn't all about her. Other people were going through things as well. "Are you worried about Casey?"

Jane stiffened and pulled back. "Casey? Why would you ask about him?"

"He's having surgery soon."

"As are you. You're the one I'm worried about right now."

"His surgery is far more serious and life-threatening than mine."

"Yes, but he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me while he goes through it. I hope the surgery makes him better, of course, but he doesn't want to burden me, so I'm putting it out of my mind. You, on the other hand, are a perfectly healthy person who is about to be made unhealthy for a while because doctors are going to rip a fully-functioning vital organ from your body, and I will be here to watch you go from running around doing yoga and shit to suddenly being badly injured and having half your kidney function until your remaining kidney gets bigger and learns to do the work of two, and then for the rest of your life I have to make sure no one hits you or does anything that could hurt you because that big kidney is going to be really vulnerable to injury. I read the damn pamphlet."

Her voice rose and became almost angry as the words came out, and Maura realized just how concerned she was. "Jane, they're not ripping my kidney out," she explained soothingly. "Now they remove it by doing a laparoscopy, which means just a few small incisions. It's a minimally invasive procedure."

"Whatever, it's still going to hurt. And you're a way bigger part of my life than Casey is. I'm not even in a relationship with him. He's my high school crush that I kinda went on a few dates with, and I thought it would go farther, but it hasn't yet. Who knows if it ever will. He's not the love of my life or anything, not like…" Her voice trailed off.

Maura looked at her. "Not like who?"

"Sorry, you don't want me to bring it up."

"Bring what up?"

"Ian. The love of your life."

"Oh." Maura laughed. "He's not the love of my life."

"You said he was…"

"He was, at one time. I told him not to come back anymore."

"You never told me that."

"We weren't talking at the time. He sent me a text message, and I told him I wanted to move on. He said he understood."

"Wow. How do you feel?"

"Like no one's ever going to love me again." She gave a nervous little laugh. "I didn't at first. I thought I was opening myself up for love. But now…after Dennis…"

"Do not let that fucker influence how you feel about yourself. Of course someone will love you. It just takes time to find a guy who's worthy of you, I mean you're not just some bimbo, you're Maura Isles."

Maura smiled slightly. She didn't want to think about it right now. "I am going to need someone to stay with me for a few days after I get home from the hospital."

Jane nodded. "Let me know when you get it scheduled, and I'll take a week or so off work."

"I shouldn't need you for a whole week."

"How long will you be off work?"

"Four to six weeks."

Jane cringed. "Okay, I'll stay here at least a week. I know you like your independence, but I don't want you doing too much too soon."

One of the things Maura didn't like about Casey was the way he seemed to think he knew what was best for Jane. He told Jane he didn't want her there while he recovered from surgery for her own good, even though she said she wanted to be there. It wasn't fair at all. So if Jane wanted to take care of Maura after surgery, then Maura was going to let her. It would make them both feel better.

"Okay," she said. "I'll let you know as soon as I have the date so you can put in for your time off."