Disclaimer: I don't own Borderlands, yo.

Rating: M. Yeah. The cursing and the sex make it so. It's a condition. I'm taking prescription medication. No, really. I am. Cross my heart.

Author's Warning: I don't have a reasonable explanation for any of this. Karima is so polite and nice. Salvador's not. Let the drama begin. Also, before you take off, prepare for raunchy, if not outright corny, humor and over the top everything and extremely poor attempts at using Spanish and Guns & Roses song titles. Pretend I was drunk when I wrote this. In fact, that might not be such a bad idea in both reading and writing this story.

Guns & Posies

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Highlands

"So are we not going to talk about the fact that Sanctuary is, you know, frigging flying?" Axton had his eye to the scope of his rifle to view the hovering city. "I mean…shit. How're we supposed to get up there? Sprout wings?"

Sal scratched the side of his face while he pondered their current problem. "We could hijack some Buzzards. That's always fun." There had been that one time, heh. "Or we could hang on to Maya's feet when she sprouts wings."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Maya replied. She tossed a glare at Salvador. "Besides, it looks like we're knee-deep in happy Jack-land. We really shouldn't advertise our presence."

"Jack-land. Ha," Axton said. "You mean the land of opportunity, where all your dreams are sure to come true? Mommy, will you tell me more? Pretty please?"

Maya retorted with an unladylike snort.

Throughout this witty exchange, Sal gazed out over the vibrant green overlaid with gurgling brooks and rocky outcrops covered with scrubby moss. Eh. Too many hills and too much green. This…fresh, clean air tickled his nostrils. His eyes were used to the stark barren lands surrounding Ovejas. Besides that, he could use a good paint-stripping drink or a dozen. Or two dozen.

It was thanks to Angel's intel that they were here. The grind through the Fridge infested with creepy Rats had funneled them into the Highlands Outwash. When they had exited the Fridge, they watched in an awed silence as Sanctuary had somehow phase-shifted to a point over the horizon, hovering in front of the Hyperion moonbase. It was a like a big middle finger poised at Handsome Jack. More than that, though, was the fact that a whole city had transported from a thousand miles away to the atmosphere.

"Heh, heh." Sal dual-saluted the base with both his own middle fingers. "Eff you, pendejo."

The nearest Fast Travel could not find Sanctuary in the network, and so they waited for Angel to report back to them with an idea. They were at a small shelter that had locked doors and a few bins up against the walls. It gave them a shady place to rest from the warmish weather. While they waited, they stocked up on ammo and healed with magic health juice. That took all of ten minutes between the four of them. Fifteen additional minutes had lapsed.

"Angel will come through for us. She always has before."

"Thanks for the report, Maya," said Axton. "Meanwhile, we're sitting here with our guns not shooting things. I mean, I'm used to waiting around, but this takes the cake!"

Zer0 didn't turn from his perch on top of the building. "Maya speaks the truth/Be patient as Angel works/We will soon be home."

Axton sighed. "Fine. Have it your way."

"There were those signs…these posters," said Sal. His hands stroked Camila, his most favored Jakobs rifle. He couldn't deny his impatience much more to shoot something. A rock. A blade of grass. Anything. "We could go hunting, amigo, for stalkers."

"As much as I crave pumping lead into worthy prey, we don't even know what those are. And they're invisible, which I'll admit, is badass. However, we shouldn't separate the group or wander in hostile territory without a clear objective. That's, like, Tactics 101."

"No worries, Vault Hunters," said Angel as she switched on their ECHOs. Her soft, youthful face held a gentle smile. "I apologize for the slight delay. Head to the Eridium Extraction Plant nearby. I think I know how to get you back to your friends."

Before they even stood, she was back on the ECHO. "You know, I didn't lie to you about everything. You really are the only people who can stop Jack. Roland, Lilith, and Mordecai- -he defeated them long ago. They can help you reach him, but in the end…it will be you who brings Jack down."

When she signed out, they crossed a bridge over one of those gushing brooks to follow a winding dirt path down to a valley. From over their heads, a sniper rifle's report cracked. Zer0. A blue streak zipped to a point in front of them. An electrical shock sparked, flickered around a crouched bat-like creature. Its pink, fleshy body hugged the ground as its tail whipped around behind it. It hissed- -or something- -and flung a barb from its tail now that it was revealed. Startled, the Hunters scattered behind some rocks. Several more reports sounded and zapped stalkers from their natural cloaking.

"Start shooting!" Axton shouted, tossing down his turret. "Okay, Missus! Do your thing!"

Sal didn't need any urging as he put his hand out for his second Jakobs rifle.

He dashed forward, undeterred, as red encroached his vision. Camila and Daniela, his faithful pair, fit his hands with perfection. His fingers squeezed the triggers. Bullet casings scattered at his feet. One stalker after another after another blew to hamburger under the raw power of his guns. He stepped around, his hearing muffled, drowned in his heavy panting, as he caught the business-end of a tail-lashing. It slammed across his chest, stung him, staggered him back a few steps. Unfazed, he recovered his aim and unloaded into the stalker's ugly mug until it was but a smear in the dirt.

Some of them made half-hearted attempts to flap into the air, but Axton's turret shredded them to pieces. Zer0 was indispensible with his shock sniper rifle. He'd burst the invisible bastards out of their cloaks, and Sal, Axton, and Maya mowed down the rest. They worked their way down the slope, negotiated a few Loader and Hot bots, and found themselves on the well-maintained Hyperion Highway. The plant sprawled out across a reservoir and a dam, which crawled with Hyperion engineers and robots.

Their firefight took less than twenty minutes.

At that time, Sal had lost track of the mission. Something to do with bacon, maybe? Whatever. As long as he got to shoot at stuff, he wasn't complaining. They crossed the river using a supply crate, destroyed the bots, wiped the floor with the Hyperion engineers, found the beacon (Sal mildly disappointed it wasn't bacon), and then a huge-ass thresher swallowed it. They had to shock off its shield, dodge the lashing tentacles, and avoid getting crushed, all the while shooting at the thing's eyes which seemed to be its weakest point.

Axton and Sal, between the two of them, took several hard hits, but at the right moment, Maya pitched a grenade at it, stunning it, and he and Axton put it down. They had the beacon, and Angel directed them to a little town called Overlook. They drove there using one of the bandit trucks from a Catch-a-Ride station.

Overlook hunched along on a bluff that fringed the Dust. There was a joint called Holy Spirits across from another one of Scooter's car stations. One whiff of the metal tanks, and Sal knew they had a distillery on the property. A shabby sign blinked the town's name, and as the team walked up the path into the town, a woman's syrupy voice welcomed them over the PA system. Abandoned properties lined the path.

"It's quiet," Maya whispered. "Angel wasn't exaggerating."

Axton had on a scowl. "Too quiet. It makes my nose itch."

Sal's gut said they were walking into a trap. He kept a suspicious finger on Camila's trigger. His other arm hugged the bulky beacon closer; he was the strongest physically, so he was designated as the beacon bearer. Zer0 had disappeared, probably to scout ahead or to stab them in the back- -Sal had never gotten over his initial suspicions of the assassin.

Maya continued. "Angel did say the people here suffered from the skull-shivers."

Overhead, the Hyperion moonbase stared at them with its glowing eye. Sanctuary seemed a poor imitation of that base, draggled, uprooted, and crumbling from years of neglect. Much like the town around them...much like Ovejas, people cobbled together what they could with what they had. Sal shut out the thought. Don't think, idiota. Just do. Get the job done.

They came to the town's center. A clock tower and a blank-faced administration building were the tallest in the jumbled-together town. To the left stood some sort of rusted, purple-tinged machine with gears, or saws. It was a silent beast with a maw filled with jagged teeth. A town square boasted some benches, litter, and a large statue paying homage to Hyperion Corp.

Angel interrupted their nervous patrol. "You'll want to set up the beacon over there. Once the moonbase processes our request, you should have a Fast Travel station."

"At least they've got med and ammo vending." Axton pointed out the two machines under a walkway. "Stock up if you're low. We don't want to be caught with our pants down. Unless, of course, it's with you, sweetheart."

This last comment was directed at Maya, but Salvador was in the line of fire from Axton's cocky wink. "Oh, I didn't know you liked me so much, amigo."

"Should I leave you two boys alone to…what did you call it, soldier?" Maya's mouth played at a smirk as she tapped a finger to her slim chin. "Do you remember, Salvador?"

"Eh, I think he said bonding."

"That's right. To bond."

"Shut up." But Axton had a smile on his face. "Just because you can't handle the fact I ooze charm from every pore."

"Maybe not charm." Salvador chuckled at their joking. "Tell me when I can put this thingy down."

As he'd carried the beacon up the hill, one of the weird foot-pedals dug into his side, and it was much heavier than it looked. Sweat made his grip slip a little. Also, he didn't like that it was Hyperion tech, either. He felt like it would rear up and bite his hand. Or take off a limb. Or possibly explode a crater the size of a small city into the earth.

Axton gestured as he spoke. "We need a secure perimeter. Zer0's up top. Maya, you take a position near Salvador across the square. I'll be in cover at this building. Keep those heads on a swivel, folks. Wait for my count, and then place it."

They took their positions and indicated to Axton they were ready. He counted down, and Sal hoisted the beacon onto the pedestal. Once it was deployed, it unfurled and bleeped in a methodical manner. It was no surprise that Jack interrupted their smooth operations and sent down some heavy artillery which included but was not limited to GUN loaders, EXP loaders, and those annoying surveyors.

It was chaos. Axton yelled at Maya and Salvador to defend the beacon at any cost. It was the only one they had, and if it was destroyed, there was no guarantee they'd find another as easily. Bright, white streaks burst into the town, rained on their heads, heated the air. He tracked a group of the flaring light to the foot of the hill. His heart thundered in his chest, raw energy shot into his veins. Violent exhilaration gripped him.

"It's killing time!" Sal hoisted his second gun and leapt from the platform. Behind him, he heard Maya tell him to stay back, but the rage and gunlust were too potent. "They're mine!"

Here were half a dozen tromping up at their slow, steady pace. Dios mio, Sal felt the recoil of his beautiful rifles, the curve of them in his palm, their acrid smoke pungent in his nose. He needed, craved, the explosion of metal, the onslaught of inhuman weaponry, the bullets pinging off his shield. This was his love, first and only, para la eternidad. As the Hyperion bots clattered apart, one after another, blasting at him with their weak Hyperion peashooters, he touched his basest desire. And then there were no more robots, but sorry heaps of scrap metal. The pulsating veil subsided, and his off-hand weapon grew heavy.

"Salvador, get back here!" Maya cried over the ECHO. "There are more hostiles inbound. Jack's sending a constructor. We need you up front!"

He turned on his heel to truck back up the hill. Luckily the slope was neither steep nor lengthy, and Sal secured a position in cover while his shields regenerated. The ground shook with the impact of the Hyperion bots' landings. Three times as many loaders digistructed. Sal could not see the other side of the town, but the curling black smoke indicated how Axton and Zer0 held that flank.

"Here it comes!"

A bulky white and yellow pod-shaped robot hovered into the town square and sprouted metallic legs. Oh, oh! He had something for this. He switched out Camila for a sleek, sexy corrosive rocket launcher he'd gotten from a Hyperion supplies shipment. "Adios."

It worked like a dream. He'd timed it to perfection as the angry orange eye dropped its shield. The rocket screamed through the air, straight and true to the target. A burst of hissing green corrosion smashed into the constructor's face, and before even that acid had time to dissolve, he squeezed the trigger a second time before backing off to reload. He needn't have worried. A crack, a streak of electric blue, and the constructor collapsed into a miniature nova.

A lull in the fight occurred, long enough for Sal wipe the sweat from his forehead and reload his guns. Jack helpfully informed them he was sending down the entire Hyperion bot army, but, Sal thought, he never did. He didn't have time for another thought. Right smack in front of him, a huge ass WAR loader digistructed. In the next breath, a blackish purple aura imprisoned it in a sphere- -Maya's phaselock. Sal didn't waste time.

He slung out the rocket launcher and knocked off the loader's cojones. It crumpled to pieces under the corrosive missiles. He should've paid closer attention, but he was a blockhead who forgot. A white starburst hished from a surveyor, honed on him, didn't miss. The charge frazzled and crackled on his shield, breaking it. Ah, shit. To the side marched a platoon of various bots- -endless, unforgiving, unmerciful.

Another energetic fit seized him. He regained his footing, dropped the launcher, pulled the next weapon and started to blast the ugly out of anything that crossed his hazy vision. Afterward, like most of his gunfights, he was never quite sure how he survived. The next thing he knew, Angel was on his HUD, a long tube of digital energy curved out in front of him, and he was dropped out at a Fast Travel station on what looked to be good ole Sanctuary.

Maya, Zer0, and Axton were in varying states of dishevelment and stance. They looked as confused as he felt. They blinked at one another, except for Zer0, who had a huge question mark on his faceplate.

Then Maya's face twisted into horror. "Sal! You're bleeding…like, a lot!"

"Hn, what else is new," he said, shrugging off the dozen or so dripping bullet holes in his chest. "Let's do that again, amigos. I had fun!"

Despite his amusement, Sal felt a little, uh, woozy. Kind of lightheaded. That wasn't supposed to happen…

The world spun from under his feet; he lost his balance, tripping into an evasive wall for support.

Maya stepped over to grab his elbow. "You're going to Zed's, now."

"Hey, I'm bleeding too!" Axton said. He indicated a minute tear in his shirt sleeve. "See this! See!"

"That's merely a scratch," said Zer0. "It will heal without trouble/Somehow you'll survive."

Sal had enough time to fling a chuckle over his shoulder as Maya walked him to Zed's clinic up the road from the Fast Travel station. He didn't need her help, but he understood it made her feel better to do something. When they entered the blood-stained clinic, Zed straightened from a patient's gurney. The unfortunate soul groaned and writhed under leather straps.

"Welcome back, Hunters! I see I've got a run-of-the-mill patch job. Y'all couldn't make it more interesting?" He patted a cleaner seat to the side. "Have yourself a sit down right here, and let Dr. Zed make it better."

"Good to see you too, Doc." Maya grunted under Sal's weight. "How's Sanctuary holding up?"

"Well, we had causalities from the moon blitz, but once Lilith phase-shifted, most injured folks were healed up and raring to go. It was the darndest thing." Zed had rolled over a cart with various doctoring tools that Sal had never seen before. "You want an anesthetic?"

"No, senor. Estoy bien."

"Sure thing. Now take off your shirt to make this easy. Maya, sweetheart, would you mind squirting this homebrew in the hole when I've freed a bullet?" When Sal shed his shirts, Zed snapped on a fresh pair of gloves and took up a pair of needle-nose pliers. Quick and fluid-like, he began popping out slugs from Sal's chest. "I think that hoity-toity Tannis woman had a theory about it all. Anyway, tell this old doctor how you managed to get back up into the city."

Maya related their trials from the Fridge to Overlook. Zed grunted once in a while and continued to pluck out bullets. They clunked in the cup in rapid sequence. Sal patiently sat through the ministrations. The pain was easy to forget- -a sting, nothing more. He wanted to head to Moxxi's for a drink. Maybe she'd have some of that tequila he liked that she poured for cheap. Even with her formidable sexual allure, she couldn't get other customers interested in that tequila. And it tasted like his youth.

"Overlook, huh?" Zed said, interrupting Sal's thoughts. "Those folks've had it rough. Jack's been picking on them ever since they'd been afflicted with the skull-shivers. Nasty disease, but curable with the right medicine, which he won't provide." He picked up a syringe with red liquid, tested it, and jammed the needle into Sal's shoulder. "That'll give you a nice pick-me-up. Say, would you like a job?"

"What would it be?" Maya asked.

"Just for you to check up on that town in a day or so. Make sure they have everything they need. I know you could do it out of the kindness of your hearts, but you'll get paid anyway. How do you feel, big fella?"

"Tequila. Lots."

"Thatta boy." Zed clapped him on his shoulder. "You'll be good as new at the end of the hour. Put your shirt back on."

"Gracias." Sal wasn't a wimp, but the temperature in the clinic was frigid, probably because Zed's clinic also functioned as the morgue.

Maya's smile broke her pale face. "Yes, thank you, Dr. Zed. Some of his color is already back."

Sal didn't have the heart to tell her it was because he had to exert energy to reach down and gather his discarded shirts. He'd have to get a new set- -these were riddled with holes and tears.

"That'd be the Zed juice working its mojo. You let me know about that job."

"Will do, and thanks again," Maya said. "Sal, you okay?"

"Si, si." He waved away her question. "It's drinking time."

"If you're sure, then I'm going to check in with Roland and Lilith. I'll see you later. And Sal," she turned, hand on hip, "I'm coming after you if you're not in by midnight."

When she exited, Zed let out a breath. "She's something else."

"That she is."

A/N: Thanks so much to readers & lurkers alike for your time. Again, trying a new sandbox with a cracky pairing. I love how Borderlands lends itself to insanity and hilarity and just overall strangeness. Let me know your thoughts, and I'll see you again (hopefully) in chapter two.