Opening his postal box with a dull expression, Ryugamine Mikado pulled took out the mail inside before making his way up the stairs to his apartment. He filed through the stark envelopes – a letter from his mother, some bills and something slightly unusual, he tilted his head when he got to the last the letter.

Mikado didn't recognise the handwriting that wrote his address but what stood out to him the most was it was not addressed to him, it wasn't addressed to anyone at all and nor was there a return address.

Mikado unlocked his apartment and stepped inside, deserting his school bag and the other letters as he stared at the envelope curiously, adjusting his glasses at his heart sped up in his chest. He didn't know who the letter was but something about it was screaming at him to open him.

Mikado huffed and tore the letter open but as his blue eyes landed on the first sentence, it felt like his heart had stopped and his lungs had seized.

{ My beloved Tanaka Tarou,

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm afraid I haven't been in any state to contact you. But I hope you've been thinking about me and I hope you're glad to hear I am alive. I will admit I am still in the hospital and have been for the last eight months. In my defense, I only woke up a six months ago.

Now, don't stress my dear, I'm doing just fine. The doctors say my condition is completely stable.

I'm more concerned about you, I heard about what happened that night and I hope you are fully recovered, that you're alright and safe.

God, I miss you so much.

I didn't want to leave, I told them to get you but they didn't listen. I hope you believe me when I tell you I didn't want to leave, no, I really didn't want to leave at all but please understand that I can never come back.

It's not like I don't want to but it's that I can't. I'm not the same as I used to me, coming to Ikebukuro would certainly mean death.

I know you're probably wondering where I am, well my love, forgive me, I won't tell you. I want to be with you, don't get me wrong - I always want to be with you but I don't want you to see me like this.

I'm a mess, I don't think I could handle seeing you or your reaction to me right now. But one day, hopefully soon, when I leave this hospital I will send for you.

I just hope you come.

I won't blame you if you don't. I don't want to become a part of your past but after everything I've done, I have no right to expect you to do anything.

But I can't help but be hopeful that you don't want to leave us in the past.

Maybe my words are falling on deaf ears but I want you to know you mean everything to me. I can't sleep, all these regrets are eating me alive. I just keep thinking about you, I know I'm nothing without you. I'm fine with losing everything if it means I can have you beside me again.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave the hospital, but I know I want it to be with you.

But I'm a fugitive, love. My enemies think I'm dead and I want it to stay that way because the way I am now, killing me would be as easy as pie. Everyone in Ikebukuro, my family – I'm leaving them all behind once and for all.

All but you, I'm giving you a choice because, at this point, I've got nothing to lose but you.

I love you so much it breaks my heart.

I will write to you again soon but seeing it took me three months to type this I can't promise it will be right away.

You're all the hope I hold inside of me.

I know that I can't undo the destruction, the damage I've done.

But trust me when I say, I've got nothing else to lose but you.

No matter what happens, even if we never meet again know I am watching over you, hoping you find the ultimate happiness.

I won't blame you if you don't want to meet but nonetheless, I'll love you until the day I die.

Even if you become my past, you'll always be my god.

With everything that I am, love always -

Kanra xxx }

With a strangled sob, Mikado fell to his knees, tears had dripped onto the letter soaking through the paper. The teen hugged the letter to himself desperately, He'd been waiting. All this time, he knew, he knew Izaya wasn't dead.

Mikado sobbed, holding the letter like it was his last single lifeline. He'd been struggling, even though he'd pulled his life back together, he'd recovered from being stabbed, he'd started school again – he was struggling because it felt so meaningless, so empty without Izaya.

"I love you too." He hiccupped, though he knew Izaya couldn't hear him. "I knew you weren't dead." He whispered with a tearful smile. "I miss you so much…"

Over the next few weeks, Mikado read the letter every day. He kept it hidden in a shoebox in his closet so no one would find it, so he could protect Izaya's wishes but every night he would take it out and read it, relish it because he could all but feel Izaya in every word.

Mikado had written a reply. A letter that sat in the same box as Izaya's, in fact, he started writing letters to Izaya whenever he wanted to talk to the older man. When he was sad, lonely, happy and excited.

He tried to mention everyone as little as possible, he didn't mention anyone and if he did, he never said their names. He told him about school, about being the leader of the library committee, books he'd read but mostly, about how much he missed Izaya.

It felt like something was missing in his life, like there was a huge hole in his chest at ached and longed for Izaya. He wanted to be with him so badly, he wanted to look into his beautiful red eyes, hear his laughter, touch him, and tell Izaya how much he loved him.

And that he'd love him forever.

He knew he'd get the letters to Izaya one way or another.

Mikado wanted to be with Izaya but he didn't want to leave Ikebukuro. He didn't want to leave the life he'd made here no matter how fucked up it had turned out. He didn't want to leave his friends and never speak to them again.

But to be with Izaya, that would be what he had to do and Mikado didn't know if he could.

Mikado had to choose between Ikebukuro, all his friends, everyone he knew, the mark he'd left on this city and Izaya, the man he loved so much it felt like he was breaking apart.

Mikado knew whichever one he chose, there would always be an emptiness in his heart. It was just a matter of figuring out which one was the biggest and most painful.

Nonetheless, Mikado waited for another letter to come.

He'd wait forever if he had too.

Notes:

Inspired by the song "Nothing to Lose but You" by Three Days Grace. (I came up with the idea whilst listening to the song, the story also contains some lyrics.)