Dear Cousin

By: AliasCWN

Dear Cousin,

I hope this letter finds you well. I was just sitting here watching the sunrise and my thoughts turned to you. It is my most sincere wish that by now you have recovered from your ordeal here in the desert. I hope that you have put it behind you as much as is possible and moved on. Your faithful husband has been keeping me informed of your progress. He is quite proud of you, as am I, in the way you have handled this entire incident. Of course, we both realized a long time ago how strong-willed you can be. It is that strength that will get you through this dear cousin.

Before I go any further I must ask a favor of you. Could you please keep this letter a secret? As you know, all letters are supposed to go through the censors, but I feel the need to unburden myself to someone who will understand, and the censors would black out almost everything I am about to write. By the time they are done there would be nothing left but the greeting and the salutation. I am sending this with a trusted friend who will hand deliver it thus keeping its existence a secret. I am not un-cautious Cousin so I will leave out names of people and places; I will keep it generic just in case this should fall into the wrong hands. The temptation is just too strong to share my feelings with you.

I sit here now watching an incredibly beautiful sunrise. As I watch the dark skies lighten streaks of red and gold race across the tops of the mountains in the distance. The sun is chasing the moon away, sparkling as it rises over the looming landscape. It's a new day, a chance for new beginnings…..only the war goes on and things are still the same.

Whatever I had hoped to do with my life, this is not the way I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong dear cousin; I am still the loyal German soldier you waved good-bye to as I left to fulfill my destiny. I hoped to defend our homeland; that has not changed. I swore an oath to follow orders; that also has not changed. I will still follow orders and defend our homeland with my life if necessary. I still feel loyalty to those who serve with me. I guess what has changed is me; I find myself questioning my decisions on nearly a daily basis. Like you, I had idealistic views of war based on heresy and the propaganda fed to us by our leaders. The expected behaviors taught to me during my years of military seem to have been thrown out the window in this war. Honor seems to have been tossed aside in favor of victory at all costs. Things are not as black and white as I was taught to believe, nor are they as simple.

I find myself making decisions that affect the lives of men who depend on me for their very existence. They expect me to guide them. Hah! If they only knew how conflicted I am at times. I have no problem fighting our enemies in combat. Fighting men who are trying to kill me has never been a problem. It is in my nature to be competitive; you saw that clearly during our childhood together. Making plans and fighting the enemy with everything at my disposal suits me to a T. I have won battles, and lost a few, using the training that I have been given, but that is war. That part is not the problem, I am proud of who and what I am.

I suppose you have already begun to understand my problem. Your husband has told me about your struggles to come to terms with your conflicting feelings about the enemy. Please be careful about revealing those feelings to just anyone, there are spies everywhere.

And yes, I still face the same enemy. I was fortunate to capture them not so long ago but, of course, they managed to pull off one of their amazing escapes. If only my own men were as resourceful. This may sound odd to say, but it is the truth; I believe that if I had a company of such men I could push the Allies back to the ocean all by myself. They seem to be everywhere at once and yet they are gone before we can capture them. There are stories circulating among the troops that they are ghosts, or at least invincible. Even capturing them and seeing that they are flesh and blood men who suffer and bleed just like any other, the rumors persist. I suppose their uncanny ability to escape our cells and our custody could have added to their mystique. It really is quite frustrating.

I do think dear cousin that I would have received another promotion before this if it hadn't been for them. While it is true that I have had more success against them than many others, they have still have had too many successes for my liking.

I sometimes regret that I ever accepted this posting. If I had stayed where I was I may not have ever met this particular group of Allies. No, that is not true; they have taught me much, these men. Thanks to them I have sharpened my own skills. They have taught me to expect the unexpected and be more flexible in my thinking. They have been good teachers, making me a better leader, but the cost has been high.

They have taught me the value of knowing your enemy. I have always been an avid student of history. Sometimes I believe that their leader is a history fan too. A lot of his methods remind me of the tactics of their Plains Indians during the early 1900's. I have always been fascinated by that period in their history where their settlers fought to settle their western regions. Perhaps it is this interest in their history that has made me somewhat more successful against them. It is a theory that merits more consideration on my part.

As you can see dear cousin, I find myself in a very melancholy mood this morning. The desert can be a hard place, but there is such beauty here too. There is not much rain here but the desert sucks up every drop it gets and celebrates it. There are some flowers here that are absolutely exquisite, but they grow, bloom, and die, all within a few short days. That is the desert for you, brief moments of beauty and life among all of the desolation and death. Then there are the scrub trees and bushes that manage to get a foothold when all there is is sand and sun and wind. The tumbleweeds for example, they grow, die, and then tumble across the desert spreading their seeds so that another generation can take root and continue the cycle somewhere along the way.

I don't feel much like a beautiful flower. I am afraid I am more like the tumbleweed. Oh, I don't mean that I intend to die and roll across the desert, but we do move across the desert like the ebb and flow of water at the beach. Our lines are always shifting back and forth, back and forth. I can only assume that our leaders are hoping that we will put down roots and stay and grow where we push forward. Just because we drop the seed doesn't mean that we will be able to put down roots and thrive, such is the desert, and such is war.

Another convoy was attacked last night. By the time they limped in it was very late and I spent most of the night dealing with reports and visiting the wounded in the hospital. It could have been worse, but I am tired cousin; tired of writing letters to loved ones, tired of holding the hands of dying men and telling them to be brave. They are brave cousin, but they still die. I send them out there, and I do it despite knowing that the enemy is out there among the dunes lying in wait for them to pass. It is my duty! The supplies must get through! The lives of many men and the future of our country depend on those supplies but every time I send them out I wait anxiously to see how many will return.

That part is sad enough, but it is not the part that confuses me the most. I should hate the men who kill them. They are the enemy, that alone should be reason to hate them, but I can't. I have met them. You have met them. They are human beings, much like us. They fight for their country because they believe it is right. They kill to accomplish their missions. Yet you have met them, they are honorable men. I have never seen them kill for pleasure. Quite the contrary, they have, on more than one occasion, shown remorse for the deaths. They have always shown compassion for any wounded that fall into their hands. They have even been known to send the wounded back to our base so that they can be treated. They have killed, yes, but only when they deemed it necessary. How can you hate someone who goes out of their way to avoid bloodshed even when it would be safer to leave no one alive behind them? I'm afraid I find myself respecting them rather than hating them. Unfortunately, they are still the enemy, and must be treated as such. I may still find myself standing over their dead bodies, such is war. Oddly enough, I think they share my feelings on the matter. I do seem to live a charmed life when the bullets start flying. I once asked the sergeant about that while he was my guest (prisoner). He claimed it was better to fight the enemy that you know rather than rock the boat and face an unknown adversary. He smiled when he said it so I can't be certain that he was being serious. He has a tendency to be sarcastic when asked questions while he is a prisoner.

You said that your experience left you feeling conflicted about the war; just imagine having that problem tenfold. I struggle every day to keep my personal feelings out of my decisions. I am a soldier, sworn to protect our homeland and its people. I do my best cousin but there are so many times that I go to bed feeling drained and discouraged.

I should hate them, but I can't. I should shoot them down when I capture them, but it doesn't feel right to kill unarmed men. It feels like murder, and I don't consider myself a murderer. Sending them to a POW camp doesn't work, I've tried. They just escape and return. I can't keep them in my cells until the end of the war, even if they would stay there. They continue to challenge me on what seems like a daily basis.

I'm sorry; I don't mean to burden you with my troubles. I will deal with them as the situation allows, they are still the enemy. I guess I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. There is no one here I can talk to about this. There is a need for me to remain strong, to appear to be a confident leader. It wouldn't do at all for them to see my weakness. I am just finding it hard to keep a clear conscience and carry out my duties at the same time.

On a brighter note, I have lost fewer men this month than last. The rainy season is almost upon us and that will mean less action. During this time both sides dig in and hold their positions because it is nearly impossible to move heavy equipment across rain soaked sand. The storms happen quickly here and no one wants to get caught out in one of them. It will give me time to catch up on my reports and give my men the extra training that we haven't had time to do before now.

Right now the sky is a beautiful cobalt blue and the sun is shining brightly. I can see for miles, all the way to the distant mountains. It's hard to remain forlorn when such a beautiful day is staring you in the face. Unfortunately the sand is beginning to reflect the heat and it is beginning to get uncomfortable out here. I think I will close for now and get this letter to my friend before he leaves.

Take care dear cousin, and give my regards to your faithful husband. I am still rather irked at him for bringing you out here to this danger in the first place but, knowing you, I can see where he may not have had much of a choice. Loving you must make it quite a challenge to say no; you did come from the stubborn side of the family. I will forgive him though, for all our sakes. Do try to put all of this behind you and have a happy life, you both deserve it.

Your loving cousin.

Weeks later this reply came in the mail:

Dear Cousin,

I haven't heard from you recently so I decided to write you a letter. I wanted you to know that I am doing well. I have seen the sunrises on the desert, they are beautiful. One of your friends dropped by earlier this week and we had a nice visit. Your secrets are safe with me. Please be careful dear cousin; that is a very dangerous place. My darling husband Manfred sends his regards and thanks you for forgiving him. He smiled when he said it, so I am not sure he is serious.

Your loving cousin,

Ione