Disclaimer: I own neither Hellsing, Hellsing Ultimate, nor anything Marvel-related.

Content warning: Foul language, violence, sexual perversity - seriously, Deadpool is involved, I shouldn't have to spell it out for you...

This fic uses the version of Alucard from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged by Team Four Star - Look it up on YouTube, it's hilarious.

"Well, well, well," said the vampire with a predatory grin (granted, any grin on Alucard was predatory by default), "Gotta say I like the suit. Nice color."

"Thanks!" chirped the mercenary, "It's so bad guys can't see me bleed!"

"Really? But that's half the fun! You let them shoot you full of holes, then enjoy the creative cursing and looks of horror when they find out it didn't actually accomplish anything and realize just how utterly fucked they are!"

"Walter."

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"Who is that, and how the fuck did he get in here?"

"Wade Wilson, mum, a mercenary commonly known by his nom du guerre of 'Deadpool'. Beyond the usual package of superhuman strength and reflexes, he apparently has a rather remarkable healing ability."

"And he is in my office why?"

"I'm afraid Alucard encountered him while out on one of his little 'walks'. He seems quite taken with the man, bringing him back to the manor while holding him by a leash and dog collar that he somehow obtained. He said, and I quote, 'He followed me home, can I keep him?'."

Loud baritone laughter cut into the conversation. "Francis? You got your face fucked up by some shitbag named Francis?! That's like getting your ass kicked by a ten-year-old girl with pigtails!" Any further mockery was cut short by a .50-caliber pistol round to the face in lieu of a retort. Being Alucard, he didn't even stagger from the hit, simply raising his own pistol that tended to get used on anyone that even contemplated implying that it was compensating for something and blowing Wilson's head over half the room. "I think I just found my new favorite form of ongoing banter."

Walter's bland smile didn't even flicker as he stood in the midst of the carnage that had somehow completely missed him. "I shall inform the cleaning staff immediately. Thankfully their weekly delivery of seltzer water and lemons came in yesterday."

Integra sighed, glancing down at the regenerating corpse in her office. From the smell of things, his ballistic decapitation had caused his bowels to release. "Dammit, Alucard! You haven't even had your new pet a day and he's already shat on the carpet."

The vampire simply grinned, pulled out a rolled newspaper from somewhere, and firmly whacked the gradually-regrowing stump of Deadpool's neck, spattering a bit more blood around. "Bad boy," he deadpanned, before turning to his master. "If you want me to rub his nose in it we'll have to wait until he has one again."

It was going to be one of those months.

"Holy fuckferrets, undead Nazis?! You lucky cockbite! That is so unfair. How come you get crazy over-the-top villains that people will happily cheer as you brutally and horrifically kill, and I get stuck with some British shitweasel, his wannabe East German Olympic swimmer sidekick, and a bunch of off-brand H.Y.D.R.A. goons? Well, and Bob, but he's cool."

"H.Y.D.R.A.? I remember them - they were the ones with the boss that forgot faces are supposed to have skin, right? They tried to recruit that fat little shit of a Major that was trying to create a vampire army - totally copying me, by the way, it was my idea first - but apparently they used the stick without the carrot, and he fed their recruiters to a werewolf."

"You were in World War 2? Ever run into Captain America?" Deadpool spoke Cap's name in a genuinely awful impression of the man's voice and an overdone 'heroic' accent.

"Yeah," Alucard reminisced, "met him on a battlefield one time. Of course, this was back in my 'Girlycard' phase, so I looked like a cute little twelve-year-old girl. There I am, the picture of childhood innocence, strolling casually through a horrific battlefield and covered in blood and other assorted gore, and who do I meet but Steve Fucking Rogers? Man," he chuckled, "the look on his face! Hey, do you think they'd let me join the Avengers?"

"Probably not. You'd think with how crazy Stark used to be that they'd be cool for anything, but they're all like 'Non-lethal force is preferred' and 'Try to keep collateral damage to a minimum' and 'For the love of God put on some pants!' I just don't think you'd be a very good fit. Hey, why don't you join X-Force instead - we're hiring!"

"'X-Force'? Isn't that a little derivative?"

"That's what she said! No, really, that's literally what Domino said." Deadpool shook his head, briefly mourning the loss of his even briefer comrades, before going on a mental tangent about briefs vs. boxers.

Eventually Alucard got tired of waiting and dragged Wade's mind back on track. "What's with all the 'X' names you guys use, anyway? I mean, lack of creativity much?"

"I dunno," the mouthy mutated merc msaid, "the guy writing this fic doesn't know enough about the origins, lore, and other assorted uber-nerd shit behind the comics beyond what he sees in random YouTube videos."

"Wait, this is a fanfic? You know what that means..."

"Random and probably canon-implausible sexual pairings!"

It was at this point that Deadpool found himself suddenly bound head-to-toe in wires, and anchored to the floor, walls, and ceiling by same. "No offense, mister Wilson," came Walter's polite tones, "but you are very definitely not my type, and I felt it best to make that clear in advance of any advances, so to speak."

"Awww," Alucard mock-whined, "and here I thought you were just being kinky."

"You'd deny me that sweet geriatric lovin'?" Deadpool asked disappointedly before pausing. "Actually, it's probably for the best. If Vanessa found out I'd cheated on her, she'd probably cut off my man-tackle. I mean sure, it'd grow back, but that's still totally not cool. Nobody wants to get stabbed in the dick."

"Actually there was that one guy back in '42," the vampire chimed in, "kept pleading with me in some language I don't give enough fucks to learn. No idea what he was actually saying, so I figured it was probably 'Please stab me in the dick with a wooden stake.' I was feeling generous, so nice guy that I am I gave him the old Tepes Special. It was a little tricky putting it up his urethra instead of his ass, but he seemed to think it was worth it. I'm pretty sure those were happy screams."

Wade shrugged. "Eh, probably. Besides, even if they weren't I'm betting he was working for the Nazis, and they are just the worst kind of assholes."

"Oh, totally, and this is me saying that. When you're an asshole by the standards of the guy sending the pope death threats by carrier pigeon, you know you are a world class asshole."

"The pope? Carrier pigeons? If I weren't married and tied up with razor wire I would so ride your ass like a stolen Vespa."

"If I had a nickel for every time I heard that exact sentence..."

A/N: What, you expected something serious?

A cameo by Deadpool in one of Quatermass's fics had me thinking about how I'd love to just put him in a room with the Abridged version of Alucard and then sit back and watch the hilarious insanity. Eventually I got enough little ideas for interactions that I decided to actually write some of that myself. I may eventually add to this, if inspiration strikes again, and I encourage anyone else with ideas to try their own hand (and PM me when they post it).