This story takes place a few months after season 19's episode "The Book of Esther" and is a short two-shot. Noah and Jesse don't exist in this fic.

I'm working on the third and final chapter of "Baring It All" and hope to have it posted at some point soon.

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"Have a good weekend, Lieu. See you on Monday."

"Thanks, Carisi. You too." Olivia gives her detective a somewhat absent nod as she stands in the doorway to her office, both arms crossed over her chest while she surveys the squad room beyond.

It is the usual hustle and bustle of early Friday evening at the precinct, police officers and suspects coming and going, and Fin and Carisi cracking jokes with each other as they walk toward the elevator together. The space is alive with sounds and smells, two men hurling insults at one another as they are led away in handcuffs, and a fresh pot of coffee brewing for members of the night shift who are just arriving and already looking quite weary.

The only person who appears to be silent and still within the familiar storm of chaos is Amanda Rollins, the blonde woman having yet to get up from her desk, even though she is just sitting there staring into space instead of working. Olivia frowns as she carefully observes her youngest detective and takes note of Amanda's overall demeanor; her slumped shoulders and the amount of weight she has lost recently, her normally sleek and glossy long hair now laying limp and unkempt around her shoulders.

Amanda has been very withdrawn over the past few months, ever since the accidental killing of Esther Labott, and Olivia acknowledges how much she misses her friend's zest for life; that fire and excitement that Amanda has always brought to the job since becoming a member of their team seven years ago. The majority of her emotions, both positive and negative, seem to have disappeared lately, leaving an apathetic shell of a person in their wake, and Olivia feels like the old Amanda has been taken from them and replaced with this quiet new one; an Amanda that is unfamiliar and bizarre, a shiver racing down Olivia's spine whenever she gets a glimpse at those blank blue eyes that were once filled with so much passion and energy.

At this point, she even misses the insubordination that has driven her to the brink of sanity many times over the course of working with the younger woman, and would welcome a burst of emotion of any kind, Olivia occasionally catching a glimpse of something dark that lies beneath the indifferent veneer; slight cracks in those high walls that Amanda has erected around herself. After she had broken the news that Amanda was responsible for Esther's death, the other woman's resulting meltdown in Olivia's office had been the last; Olivia hasn't seen any tears or much in the way of sadness or anger since witnessing the heartbreaking scene of Amanda crumbling into a chair and crying out in anguish.

Olivia has very distinct, upsetting memories of how her former partner had left after the shooting death of Jenna Fox, Elliot's abrupt departure shredding her to pieces, and had initially worried that the same thing was going to happen with Amanda; that the younger woman would go on leave and decide against returning to the precinct at all. Now, however, her concerns go much deeper than Amanda merely leaving her job and choosing to work elsewhere, and she intends on firmly confronting the blonde instead of continuing to tiptoe around these serious issues or pushing them to the side when things get too busy.

"Any plans for tonight?" Olivia asks casually as she steps over to Amanda's desk and watches the younger woman's head jerk up in surprise, the small detective blinking rapidly like she is coming out of a trance.

"Probably just gonna have a quiet night in front of the TV with Frannie," Amanda mumbles tiredly as she gives Olivia a wan smile. "What about you?"

"Well, I was thinking the two of us could do something together," Olivia replies hopefully as she returns Amanda's smile and tries to inject a cheerful note into her tone. "It's been quite awhile since we've done anything outside of work without the guys being there."

"What did you have in mind?" Amanda answers in a guarded voice, a look of surprise crossing her delicate features again, as if she is taken aback by her lieutenant's invitation.

"Nothing specific," Olivia admits with a shrug, her smile widening when it appears that Amanda is actually going to agree to spend some time with her, instead of just blowing her off and heading home alone. "It's a nice, warm evening outside, so I figured we could just walk for a bit and see where we end up."

Amanda is gazing up at her suspiciously now, as if her boss has an ulterior motive for wanting to prolong their time together, and Olivia lays a reassuring hand on her shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze. "Come on, let's get out of here," she urges gently, relieved when Amanda seems to lean slightly into her touch before standing up beside her. "We've spent more than enough time in this place today."

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The streets are buzzing with noise and activity as Olivia strolls along the sidewalk next to Amanda, the sun still shining high in the sky and warming them with its summer rays as their shoulders brush lightly against each other while they walk. Amanda's hand is hovering so close to her own that Olivia is tempted to reach out and hold it, desperate to be the younger woman's anchor and keep her from slipping even further into the darkness that she knows is consuming her detective.

She doesn't dare try, though, convinced that the gesture would be not be appreciated or reciprocated, and decides to keep her mind on locating the perfect place to spend a few hours, scrutinizing each restaurant and bar that they pass and reminding Amanda to let her know if she wants to stop at any of them. The smaller woman's gaze is focused firmly on the ground as they walk, Amanda clearly not paying one bit of attention to their surroundings, and Olivia stifles a sigh as they continue to stride along aimlessly with no particular destination in mind.

Even though this had been her initial plan; that they would just go for nice stroll while enjoying the summer weather and eventually settle on a comfortable patio somewhere, Olivia was hoping that Amanda would start opening up to her once they were away from the precinct and their co-workers, but the younger woman is proving to be just as stubborn and closed up as she usually is.

"You're not gambling again, are you?" Olivia finally blurts out when the oppressive silence stretches on between them with no sign of abating, glancing over at Amanda to see the other woman staring back at her with an arched eyebrow.

"No, Olivia, I haven't gambled for years," Amanda replies with a heavy sigh, big blue eyes rolling in what might be exasperation or amusement. "I hardly ever have those kind of urges anymore."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Olivia says softly, although the blonde's answer doesn't make her feel much better about the situation, her stomach fluttering nervously before plodding ahead with the conversation. "So how are you keeping yourself occupied after work these days, then?"

"What is this, an interrogation?" Amanda grumbles in response, although there is not much energy in her tone; more like a listless acceptance that her boss is not going to leave her alone now that she has agreed to go out with her. "And I do have other hobbies that don't involve an addiction, you know."

"Like running?" Olivia presses with raised eyebrows, fully aware that she is prying into her detective's personal life but her concern for Amanda's well-being not allowing her to back off. "I know you really love going for jogs to keep in shape and burn off some steam, so are you still doing that in your spare time?"

"Yeah, once in awhile," Amanda shrugs casually as her gaze slides away and she focuses on the sidewalk again. "Most of the time, I just don't have the energy for it anymore, though. By the time I get home from work and take Frannie for a walk, I just want to relax in front of the TV." There is a short pause before Amanda continues speaking, the tiniest hint of grief evident in her tone. "Or sometimes I go for long drives."

"Where do you go?" Olivia inquires curiously, trying to catch Amanda's eye but the younger woman turning her head away with a huff.

"Why are you asking so many questions, Liv?" Amanda sounds distinctly irritated now, small hands twisting around each other as she talks. "You're really grilling me here and it's starting to get on my nerves."

"Good," Olivia responds simply, watching as Amanda's eyes finally swing up from the ground to meet her own, a trace of the fire that she has missed so much making itself known in those deep blue orbs.

"Good?" Amanda repeats as her eyebrow quirks higher on her forehead and she fixes Olivia with a confused and frustrated glare. "It's good that you're annoying me?"

"Yes," Olivia replies quietly, reaching out to brush the other woman's forearm with her fingers and feeling a slight trembling beneath her touch. "It's nice to see you actually expressing some kind of emotion."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Amanda demands with a deep frown.

"It means that you've been very detached lately," Olivia explains gently, her thumb stroking soothingly back and forth along Amanda's fine-boned wrist. "I haven't seen much emotion at all from you; none of the usual sass that I've come to expect after working with you for so many years. You've been so quiet and obedient."

"Well, shouldn't you be happy about that, Liv?" Amanda finally murmurs in perplexity after falling silent for a moment. "I'm not fighting with you, I'm not yelling in your face, I'm not going behind your back to do things my own way. You finally got the detective you've always wanted; the well-behaved subordinate that you deserve."

"I don't want a well-behaved detective," Olivia shoots back, surprising herself with her choice of words and the amount of passion in her tone. "I want you."

"You actually want me to misbehave?" Amanda answers skeptically, her lip turning up at the corner in a gesture that might pass for either a smile or a sneer.

"Well, maybe not necessarily misbehave," Olivia corrects with a sigh, her hand drifting down by her side again when the blonde pulls her arm away. "I just want you to be yourself, Amanda. I want to see that spark come back again. I want you to care."

"I do care," Amanda argues weakly, but there is not much conviction in her voice.

"No, you don't," Olivia counters lightly, taking a chance and resting a hand on Amanda's shoulder, relieved when she doesn't pull away this time. "You haven't cared about anything for quite awhile now, as far as I can tell. You've lost interest in just about everything and everyone."

"You're wrong about that," Amanda whispers in response, her words more vehement and convincing now. "I do care, Olivia. I care about-"

"Esther Labott?" Olivia supplies softly when Amanda suddenly cuts herself off and stops speaking. "You haven't been the same since the Labott case, Amanda. It's almost like..."

"Like what?" Amanda asks quietly when Olivia is the one trailing off now, horrified with herself for actually considering putting a voice to what has been swirling around in her thoughts lately, but deciding to just get her extreme worry for this situation out into the open once and for all.

"Like a part of you died with her," Olivia finally admits in a low tone, her heart clenching when a dark shadow seems to pass over Amanda's face, the younger woman's expression becoming pinched and her complexion mottled, Olivia tilting her head so they are eye to eye as they converse. "You're just not here anymore, Amanda. Where are you? Where did you go, honey?"

"Nowhere," Amanda replies with an offhanded wave, like she is completely unconcerned with how this discussion is playing out, but the simmering anguish in those blue eyes giving her away. "I'm right here, Olivia."

"Physically, yes, but in every other way, you haven't been here for a long time now," Olivia points out as gently as she can. "It's like every other part of you has disappeared; like you're just going through the motions but there's nothing underneath. I'm very worried about you, Amanda, and I have to admit that you've been scaring me a bit."

"You don't need to be worried or scared, Liv," Amanda mutters with a scoff, bright spots of color blooming on her pale cheeks and the younger woman squirming uncomfortably as they walk. "It's not that I don't appreciate your concern, but it's just not necessary. I'm fine, okay? I dealt with what happened and I've moved on."

"I don't think you're fine," Olivia corrects tenderly, her heart aching in the face of Amanda's embarrassment and aware of how private the younger woman is, but knowing how important it is to keep pushing forward with this. "And I don't think you've been able to move on at all, which is perfectly understandable. This isn't something that you can just get over in the blink of an eye. It takes a lot of time and lot of help from other people."

"So is that what you're trying to do by butting into my personal business?" Amanda murmurs in a barely audible voice, her tone low and dangerous like Olivia has crossed the line and she has had quite enough of it. "Help me?"

"Amanda, I'm your friend and I'm very concerned about you," Olivia replies patiently, catching her lower lip between her teeth to keep from snarling at a man who bumps into her on the sidewalk and jostles her so hard that she in turn bumps into Amanda, throwing her off balance.

"You're my boss, not my friend," the blonde detective replies flatly, ducking away from Olivia's touch when she reaches an arm out in an attempt to steady the younger woman. "So maybe you should act like one and just leave me alone. It's the weekend and we're not at work anymore, so there's no reason for us to spending time together right now, is there? I shouldn't have agreed to this. I just want to go home."

Olivia comes to an abrupt halt on the cement, swallowing down an immense wave of hurt at Amanda's words and ignoring the litany of F-bombs that are hurled in her direction when a large group of people have to step around her. At this point, she doesn't care whose path she is blocking and focuses all of her attention on her detective, who has stopped beside her and is standing there with her hands planted on her hips and an annoyed scowl on her face.

"Okay, have it your way," Olivia acknowledges softly, figuring Amanda is just lashing out because her private business is being brought to the forefront and openly discussed, and resolving to stay as calm and collected as possible. "I consider us to be friends because of how much closer we've become with each other over the past year but if you'd rather not get that personal, I understand, and I'll keep things on a more professional basis between us. So as your boss, I'm telling you that I'm very worried about you."

"Yes, you've mentioned that several times now, Olivia," Amanda mumbles with an irritated roll of her eyes, throwing her hands into the air and snapping at a tourist who tries to squeeze by them and promptly trips over his own feet. "You've made yourself perfectly clear but I don't know what else to tell you, okay? There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. You're looking for something that's not there; stop trying to create a problem when everything is perfectly fine."

"Oh, is that what I'm doing?" Olivia's own voice has dropped down to a low and dangerous level now, her gaze boring into Amanda's and trying to convey how serious this situation is. "So I'm just imagining the depression, then? The despondency? The complete turnaround from the person you used to be? Is that all in my head, Amanda?"

When the younger woman doesn't respond and simply stares back at Olivia like a deer caught in the headlights, her body trembling slightly and the blush on her cheeks growing more profuse, Olivia steps over to her and grasps onto a clammy hand.

"Where do you go on your long drives?" she whispers with a certain amount of urgency, as a disturbing thought occurs to her. "Do you go to New Jersey?"

"Why would I go back there?" Amanda asks in a hushed tone, the detective's voice radiating confusion but Olivia seeing right through the facade.

"I don't know, you tell me," she urges gently, giving the small, sweaty hand a comforting squeeze and not wanting to let go, the two of them huddled there in the middle of the sidewalk, fused together as fellow New Yorkers and tourists stream impatiently past them.

"Sometimes-" Amanda coughs roughly and Olivia is stunned to see the sheen of tears in the blonde's eyes, noticeable guilt and distress finally peeking through all of that indifference. "Sometimes I drive by the Labotts' old house, just to get a look at it and remember what happened...and wonder what I could have done differently that day."

"Oh, honey." The unprofessional pet names slips out again before Olivia can stop it, giving a slight tug on Amanda's hand and directing her into the doorway of an old bookstore; a business that is already closed for the day and not teeming with people, allowing them some much-needed privacy. "You'll drive yourself crazy doing that. It's not going to change what happened that day. The outcome is still the same and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. Esther is gone, sweetheart."

"But that's the thing, Olivia, she's not gone," Amanda snaps back fiercely, her eyes blazing with emotion and her expression more alive than Olivia has seen it in months. "She haunts me every single day of my life. She's in my dreams when I go to sleep at night, and I see her in every young woman I pass on the street and every victim we deal with on the job."

There is a lump rising swiftly in Olivia's throat as she desperately swallows back her own emotions in favor of letting Amanda finally express what she has been holding inside for so long, her mouth opening with the intention of replying to what the younger woman has just said but quickly slamming shut again when Amanda continues speaking.

"Esther died instantly but I feel like I'm dying a slow death with each passing day. I killed her and I don't know how to deal with it." There is a short pause, Olivia's heart picking up the pace as a shiver of dread races down her spine at Amanda's next words.

"I don't know how to live with myself after what I've done. And I don't think I even want to try anymore."