Chapter Three

I'm finally back.

After six months away and countless hours of grueling training, I'm finally back. I strode through the entrance of the Pit, the pure feeling of home enveloping me. I felt fierce pride swell in my heart when I beheld my faction for the first time in six months. They were shouting, cheering, gleefully crowing their pride and welcome. I couldn't have stopped the grin from spreading on my face even if I wanted to- and I really didn't.

"PAZ!"

I heard the squeal moments before a hard body slammed into mine. My yelp was lost beneath the squeals in my ears and the clamor surrounding me. The scent of vanilla enveloped me even as multiple arms slid around me, squishing me uncomfortably in place. I opened my eyes, mildly startled to realize I had even closed them. Raven's gleeful dark eyes met mine and I beamed at her, squeezing them back. Emily and Violette were babbling in my ears, their voices high with excitement. I could see the guys hovering on the fringes of the group, not quite as overwhelmed with emotion as the girls were. It didn't really surprise me, as much as I love the guys in my group, I'm not close with them like I am with Ellie, Raven, Emily, Violette, Sasha, Tabby, Misty, and Izzy.

They finally released me and I beckoned to Ander with my arms open. His emerald eyes lighting up, he whooped, scooping me up and squeezing me tight. I squealed with laughter, my feelings for him akin to that of a big brother.

"I missed you too, Ander!" I shouted in his ear, it being necessary so he could hear me over the noise. He hugged me tighter in response before carefully setting me down. I gave individual hugs to Dean, Zander, Raza and Sam, the last four members of our group.

I stepped back, looking over them fondly. This was the point where I was supposed to leave and go up to the leader's balcony. I wasn't about to leave my family so soon after being reunited with them. I hooked my arms in Raven and Ellie's, tugging them gently to the benches. The Pit's been expanded since I left. Not by much but enough that it was noticeable. I spotted a few faces I didn't recognize; they were younger, too young to have Chosen their new faction yet. They were the kids allowed to dine with the full members of Dauntless.

Kids aren't allowed out of the nursery until the age of eight, the age where they've mostly grown out of their childish behavior and are a little more aware of their surroundings.

Mostly.

"Aren't you supposed to be sitting up there?" Raza questioned curiously. His ash-blonde hair used to have orange and purple streaks. Now the ends are colored brilliant neon green. He gestured carelessly to the upper balcony where the leaders are supposed to be. The leaders in training are also supposed to be up there but I don't know the other leaders in training. There are supposed to be five at all times, one to replace each of the Dauntless leaders if the need should ever arise. I tried asking around before I left but no one could tell me if there were any other leaders in training which is confusing.

Eric never let it slip while we were dating either and I could never figure out why the other leaders in training, assuming there are others, have been kept secret from the general public and I wasn't. Everyone knows me as a leader in training. I never hid the fact and I was never told to hide the fact so it's fairly well known.

Not to mention looked down upon.

I shook the thought off and turned back to the conversations happening around me. Ellie and Emily were laughing about a prank they had pulled and were excitedly talking over each other to get it out before bursting into laughter. Raven was distracted by something on her...tablet? When did she get one of those? They aren't necessarily restricted for the leaders and leaders in training but it was extremely rare to find someone who wasn't with a tablet.

Violette was watching Emily and Ellie laughing with a fond but mildly envious look. Misty and Sam were cuddled together, exchanging quiet, intimate words so I looked away, not wanting to intrude. Raza was crowing about a training victory, Ander scoffing and teasing him to the laughter from Tabby, Sasha and Izzy. Zander scooped Tabby up, settling her into his laugh and playfully jostled Ander's shoulder, knocking him into Dean, who held up his burger patty threateningly.

"Don't make me slap you with this!" He chided. I sensed a missing joke when Ellie nearly choked, turning away from Emily and grinning at him.

They had survived without me. Not only survived, continued to thrive and I was whole-heartedly happy for them, I just wished I could have been there to experience these moments with them.

"Hey," Raven gently shoved my shoulder. "We missed you." She beamed at me, dark eyes glinting at me. I nodded, understanding the unspoken words to get my shit together and pull my head out of my ass. I flung my arm around her shoulder and nodded.

"I'm being an idiot," I freely admitted, "My bad." I shrugged and almost instantly all conversation stopped. I froze in the act of stealing a single, mouthwateringly golden fry from Ellie's plate. "Uh," I glanced around the table in confusion. "Hey," I waved the tiniest bit awkwardly before realizing I was waving with the hand with the fry and tucked my stolen treat into my mouth hastily. "What gives?" I mumbled, trying to blow on the hot fry in my mouth and speak at the same time. Something garbled resembling what I wanted to say came out and Raza huffed out a laugh, settling down on the bench instead of standing on it.

"Did...you just...apologize?" Ellie was the first to break the weird silence with her slow question.

"And admit you did something wrong?" Tabby added nonchalantly, stealing a fry too. Ellie shot her a dirty glare and protectively circled her plate with her arms. We are all aware of her mildly concerning obsession with fries and the only way I got away with stealing the one with no repercussions is she didn't expect it and I had distracted them with my apparently weird behavior.

"Yep. I'm growing up and all that good stuff." I teased, flashing a shooting squad grin. A loud, piercing whistle split the loud air and I cringed, stuffing my fingers into my ears. I looked around for the source of the sound, my bright grin threatening to sour when I saw Eric standing at the leader's balcony, flanked by Max, Angel, Conner and Sienna. I mimed gagging up at them and Sienna grinned, shaking her head. Conner started laughing, amber eyes lit up in amusement. Max leveled me with a granite look and I quickly attempted to look contrite.

It was hard.

My heart was pounding through my body, heat flushed my face and I felt so anxious I could almost be sick. I refused to acknowledge the reason I was feeling this way, because it sure as hell wasn't Max. I was sure I looked mildly panicked but hopefully the flush I had on my face would be attributed to the excitement of being back home.

"Now that we have silence," Max announced loudly, looking pointedly at me. I felt a strong sense of deja vu. I flashed a peace sign and stood.

"My bad!" There was a swell of laughter and I turned to Sasha, Zander, Dean and Izzy, the five out of the six that we used to be that was still here. It used to be Sasha, Dean, Zander, Josh, Izzy and me when I first walked through those doors. A strong sense of nostalgia swept through me as memories crowded through my brain.

Our initiation night we had caused a distraction to make Max reprimand us in a similar way to what he just did.

Izzy shared a bittersweet smile with us, her eyes flooding with lingering pain. Josh had been her older brother and it destroyed her when he died, supposedly by jumping into the Chasm. It had haunted us all last year, the question of why he would. None of us had believed he would jump on his own and launched a secret investigation that had led to nowhere...for them. I had found the person who pushed him.

My gaze darkened with hate and I sat, glancing up at Eric.

I could never forgive him for this.

~Scars Fade~

Max finished his speech and we exploded into noise, reaching for food and gorging ourselves on the rich chocolate cake.

"Shove off!" I snarled playfully, slicing an extra-large piece. Zander started snickering at me. "What?" I snapped, gleefully dropping it onto my already full plate.

"I will never understand where you pack it all away!" Raza crowed, cutting a piece for himself that was about the same size as mine.

"I bet I can eat mine faster!" I challenged, smirking and holding his gaze competitively. If there's one thing I know about Raza, he's just like me. We never back down from a challenge.

"You-" He stabbed the air with a fork at me. "Are on!" His eyes glittered with excitement.

"Ellie-"

"Sam-"

We both stopped.

"Fine." I pouted. "You both can judge." Ellie and Sam started laughing but obediently followed Raza's instructions as he angled them so they could have the best possible view of the both of us in order to get the most accurate judgement of who won.

"Ready?" Ellie asked. I grinned, looking down at my fork before boldly tossing it behind me.

"Now I am!" I said proudly.

"HEY!" I heard a yelp behind me and turned to see Howard, a dauntless born soldier we had gone through initiation with, holding his head. The fork I had so carelessly thrown glittered on the floor. My eyes widened and I burst out laughing.

"Perfect aim!" I crowed, high-fiving Ellie. That was the last straw for our table and we exploded into boisterous laughter. I leaned to the side against Dean, adding my voice to the giggles sweeping the table. Tabby was laughing hard enough crystal tears glittered in her hazel-gold eyes. Our eyes met and we both started giggling harder. My stomach started cramping and I gasped for air, struggling to breathe and continue the merriment at the same time.

"Okay, okay!" Ander gasped out, emerald eyes glinting with tears. We all slowly settled down, still laughing occasionally but not as bad.

"Ready?" Emily asked excitedly. I glanced at Raza and he nodded.

"Yeah, I just wish I had another fork to throw-" Near the end of my sentence I started choking on snorts of laughter. I sucked in air and wiped the tears of laughter away. "But I'm good."I finished, nodding firmly.

"Good. On your mark-"

I've missed my family.

~Scars Fade~

"I think Max wants to speak with you, Paz." Ellie nudged my shoulder, her fork dangling loosely from her other hand. Her sapphire eyes were locked warily on the leader's balcony. "It looks like Eric is about to leave though." I fought the urge to tense, keeping my body language loose and comfortable. I shrugged and swiped my face with a napkin, flicking the last of my chocolate crumbs off my plate towards Raza. He snarled playfully at me.

"I won and you know it." He said sourly. I couldn't help the large grin that slid slyly onto my face.

"I had time to finish that full slice and start on another one by the time you finished your first one." I kept my tone lightly arrogant. I wanted to look around, to spot where Eric was so I could pick the best path to both get to Max and stay away from Eric. I stood, stretching casually, aware of several pairs of eyes locking on my bare midriff and legs, one pair burning into me stronger than anyone else's. I was suddenly regretful of shaving the side of my head, feeling my ears heat up.

"Eric is staring." Tabby stated casually, swiping her last fry through barbeque sauce, a disgusting favorite combination of hers that none of us, save Zander, understood.

"I know." My voice came out harder than I meant and I could see her shoulders stiffen. Tabby isn't the type to be talked to like that. I sent her an apologetically playful wrinkle of my nose and puppy eyes. She huffed, rolling her eyes and lifting her lip in a snarl. While outwardly antagonistic, I could see her shoulder relax and grinned, knowing I was forgiven.

"Grow a pair and get going before you miss your chance to talk to Max." Tabby snapped, turning back to Zander. I grinned at her, hearing the undercurrent of affection in her tone. I nodded to the rest of the group and spun, heading after Max at a brisk pace.

"Max!" I called, cupping my hands around my mouth to maximize the sound. I saw him look around and stepped up my pace. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of blonde. I sped up, jogging now. I could tell to anyone observing it would look like I was running away from Eric but I didn't really care. Encroaching panic threatened to engulf me.

I didn't want to have to face him.

Not now, not yet.

I'm not ready.

Max disappeared out the door and I snarled lowly under my breath, not slowing my pace at all. I squeezed past a couple of soldiers, sweating and laughing together. I didn't bother to excuse myself or apologize, all that would have gotten me was some weird looks. I wanted to call out Max's name again but the voiceless roar that was the Pit was more than likely drowning me out. I made it to the door, escaping the flow of human traffic.

Max was nowhere to be seen.

"Fucking hell, Max." I drew the words out with an irritated sigh, resisting the urge to hit the wall. I spun on a heel, the bottom of my pleated skirt flaring out. I stopped.

Eric stood behind me, his large, brawny form blocking my view of the tunnel behind him. I swallowed deeply, suddenly aware of how far I'd unintentionally traveled from the Pit. I didn't know what to do, my palms feeling damp. He's giving me sweaty palms now?! I resisted the urge to snarl, knowing it would only make him believe I wasn't over him.

Regardless of if I was or wasn't, I'm done with him.

One day I will really believe it but for now, I just need to get this over with.

"Eric." I spoke his name without a trace of the adoration that used to curl around every letter. My brute. I almost flinched at the reminder of the almost loving nickname. I was his ruthless and he was my brute. Used to be...I needed to take the moment to remind myself. I was proud of the way I managed to keep his name cool and professional in my mouth.

That wasn't the only thing of his I'd had in my mouth a few months ago...Focus! I struggled to keep my gaze from straying from his, feeling the urge to scan his body and see how much it had changed. He flexed his biceps, smirking playfully at me when I couldn't help the reflexive glance to the thick, golden muscles.

Fuck. His arms had gotten bigger. How the hell had they gotten bigger?

I narrowed my eyes the slightest bit and he stepped into the crimson light of the lantern.

"Hello Paz."

~Scars Fade~

He couldn't help the slight dampness of his palms.

She always did have the ability to throw him off his game. He hadn't ever been this nervous though. That was a lie. He'd been this nervous twice before. When he told her, he loved her...and when she turned her back on him and left for months without word. He hadn't spoken to her since his confession and subsequent wait for Paz to show up while he paced and paced and paced out on his fire escape.

He had never in a million years believed she would leave him.

Not after his confession.

He'd never loved a girl before. He loved his mother when he was a child but when she learned she had cancer when he was five and died shortly after when he was eight, he learned to hold people at a distance. Eric had always been a quick learner, even by his peer's standards. It had baffled everyone when he left Erudite and transferred to Dauntless.

What none of those nosers had ever seen or understood was his pain, left festering for years under his father's unwatchful eyes, had turned to blinding rage. He couldn't fight cancer; he couldn't stop cancer and he couldn't stop death. What he could stop was the bullies he had been patiently dealing with for years.

The first time he lashed out and hit them back was the moment he knew he would never be content to stay in Erudite forever. The feeling of relief, like a bottle too full and shaken up being suddenly uncorked- he would never go back.

He had never seen his rage, the rage that was borne of pain left unspoken and uncared for, in another's eyes before. He knew people that had lost a loved one but they usually had some sort of support system. Eric, as a child, never had any friends. Erudite encourages competition, believing it to encourage students to push themselves harder but Eric was naturally intelligent and he didn't have to struggle to learn as so many other students did.

That bred jealousy and anger.

His father was devoted to his research on cancer and never saw what his son was turning into. By the time he pulled his head out of his research papers to see his son drip a fistful of blood into the bowl of smoldering coals, it had been too late.

Eric left Erudite and never looked back.

On visitation day as a transfer, all the other transfers were mingling with their families. He was in the training room hitting a punching bag relentlessly until the skin on his knuckles broke.

When she came, when he saw her...he saw his own spirit in her eyes.

She had been so bold...her and her dauntless born friends. They had flaunted their oddly close relationship right from the beginning. Most transfers, when they are split from the recently made dauntless born friends, tend to withdraw and keep the invisible line there. Not them. Zander had broken away from the group the sweep her in an enthusiastic hug which left them both laughing.

She'd met his gaze after Zander set her down and left to join his group, unashamed and unbowed.

Something deep in her eyes caught his attention but it was easily dismissed. He'd seen attractive people before, it was nothing new.

Then later, when he caught her staring at the Chasm like she'd never seen anything so awe-inspiring and amazing, he'd felt the urge to taunt her. That part wasn't an unusual occurrence, what was unusual was when he took a step in her personal space. Her reaction, the tensing of her muscles, her breath catching...that was normal, the reasons behind it were not. He was used to females locking in on his attention the second he entered a room and even more so when he stepped in their direction. Paz wasn't tensing because of her attraction to him.

Or, at least, not only for that reason.

She was attracted to him, yes, but she tensed because she was afraid. He was too close and all of her silent alarms had gone off. That still wasn't what caught his attention though. Right after her tell-tale signs of fear...he saw a brief, flashing glimpse of deep, untempered rage. She hated being afraid of him. She was enraged of her fear but not because of him, because she couldn't control it.

Her rage went deep and ran fierce.

He'd never seen his own broken spirit reflected back in someone else's eyes before. It understandably shook him but he didn't let even the smallest hint of it show.

He couldn't figure her out and the rest of the night she continued to show conflicting displays. He couldn't pin her down. One minute she was quiet and meek and the next she was loud and arrogant with her dauntless friends, causing a disruption in the middle of Max's speech. So, he decided to test her.

He instructed Lauren to speak with her dauntless born charges, warning them to keep away from the transfers. When Paz had been separated from her friends, she had, for lack of a better term, faded away. Her bright spirit was muted and gray and he hadn't been quite sure what to do so he ignored her.

Bottom line, he couldn't quite figure out when exactly he'd begun to fall for her. It was impossible for him to figure out and the small, sappy part of himself that he never, ever acknowledged whispered that maybe it had been the moment he'd seen her. The moment she'd caught his attention and never lost it.

Or maybe it was during the second stage of her training when her rage had overwhelmed her and she provoked him into actually fighting her. He'd fought many people before. He'd never fought against someone who wasn't afraid to fight just as fiercely, wildly and ruthlessly as he was. She'd let her broken and scattered spirit show and it to his breath away in raw empathy. He'd never experienced that before.

But he had to hold back. He refused to add to it. But she would not back down- and his temper broke. He'd been going through a lot then, that just wasn't the best excuse for letting himself hurt her the way he had. She'd given as good as she got though, leaving him with stitches and a fractured nose.

That's when he knew she'd be his.

She'd marked him.

Four, Max and surprisingly enough, Sienna were the only ones who'd managed that before. That was the moment he knew she'd be his; because the only people who could take their destructive love and survive, it was them.

"What do you want?" Paz looked at him and he desperately longed to see the warmth that cobalt gaze used to carry. He wanted her face to break out in that familiar smile, her small but deep dimples flashing sweetly at him.

He almost closed his eyes to ward against the painful reality of her cold gaze searing into him. Almost.

Deep in his mind, he knew he had to face what he'd done, what he'd destroyed. He swallowed deep and took a step closer. Upon her reflexive step back, his lifted boot slowly lowered. He didn't try to step forward again.

"You look good," He worked hard to keep his voice hard but he'd never been able to resist her. He hid a wince, registering how earnest he sounded. Fuck! He sounded like a pansy.

She didn't bother to dignify that with a response.

Her face was calm but focused. She wasn't icing him out but by no means was she accepting him. Her posture was relatively relaxed. She wasn't fidgeting. His heart plummeted.

That was her tell.

When they'd been dancing around each other, he was confident she liked him; not because she said so, because she fidgeted around him.

Around most people she was still, physically speaking. Her every movement was spent scanning for exits, avoiding contact while being natural, things like that. Around him? She was too focused on not letting him distract her that it ended up distracting her from everything but him. It manifested in the way she'd go to scan an exit and subconsciously twist her body towards him. Or when she was talking, her gaze would stray to admire the dark ink stacking its way up his throat, curiosity and hunger shining with equal fervor in her sly glances.

It happened so often he didn't know how she'd fought against them happening for so long...but that didn't matter anymore.

She wasn't fidgeting.

Her gaze didn't stray from where it was locked, commanding in the accusing ray. She had locked on him.

"Is that all?"

Most people wouldn't have known what to expect when facing the person they'd once shared unimaginable closeness with. Eric did. He knew she'd be cold and dismissive. It didn't mean it hurt any less when he saw just how much she'd rid herself of him.

Her blue eyes, once alive and bright with energy when she looked at him, were cold and fathomless.

She'd had to change and train herself to forget the bad memories so many times, it clawed his insides to know he was the cause of it this time.

Eric opened his mouth, the words he'd been planning for so long right there at the tip of his tongue. He hesitated. He actually...hesitated. All those words faded away and he was left staring into her glacier eyes with nothing to say.

He tried again, mouth open but no words coming out.

'What I said before, I meant it.'

The words echoed in his head. He knew she'd know what he was talking about from the moment the words left his mouth. The only problem there was, is the whole reason he felt the need to explain himself. She might remember the words, but she would also remember the night she'd heard them.

It was the night she found out about him working with Jeanine, they were hunting Divergents, her friend Josh was Divergent, and finally that not only had he been the killer; he'd looked her in the eyes every day from that point on...and lied. He'd answered her questions about him as though he didn't know, as though it wasn't like a knife gradually sliding between his ribs and twisting deeper and deeper with each lie that slipped from his mouth.

He'd remind her that she'd woken up from nightmares, sobbing and clinging to him because she dreamed about the body of her friend. She'd remember every time he soothed her fears and tears, holding her tight until she fell back asleep or cried herself into exhaustion.

She'd remember everything.

Hating himself for his cowardice (only in the face of her painful, easy dismissal), Eric slowly closed his mouth. The silence between them grew until it felt as though it was taking on a life of it's own, growing bigger, uglier and ore charged with every moment she stood, staring into his eyes, into his soul- and her dead eyes showed there was nothing there she saw as worth fighting for.

He couldn't take it.

He shifted his gaze to the left. He stared at the wall over and behind her left shoulder blindly, his pulse racing, his face growing warm with shame. He didn't expect to feel it but staring into eyes colder than the stone he was staring at now...how could he not?

It would have made him into a bigger monster than he was now. He suddenly felt filthy, his skin crawled and he long to claw at himself until that filthy, dirty feeling left him. A sinking feeling told him it might not be that simple.

When he could finally bring himself to look back, she was closer than he'd expected or noticed. He'd forgotten how tiny she was. Delicate but never fragile. Looks could be deceiving.

She looked at him and he finally saw something. Some flicker of emotion. Hope bloomed in his chest.

"I don't know what you want from me," In her eyes, in her voice he could hear how deep the confusion went, even as his grew- until he heard her continue to speak, frozen and unable to move. "I don't know what you expected would happen. But let me be perfectly clear-" Her voice, calm, if a bit confused before, abruptly hardened and sharpened. "I don't know why I ignored my every instinct to love you, to be with you- but it will never happen again." It was a solemn promise.

He looked into her eyes, once warm and open, now cold and barren...and his bleeding soul believed her.

"You and I were done the day you killed him. We just didn't know it yet." This woman, someone he once wouldn't have hesitated to pull close, was now millions of miles away. What burned more than anything wat the knowledge he couldn't blame someone else. He had no one else to blame. He could only face the truth...he'd screwed up...and he was never getting her back.

Paz paused just long enough to drive the point home.

Then she turned and walked away, shoulders straight and proud, pace slow and steady. He watched her walk away and it destroyed him.