Chapter 7

"C'mon, I'm sure it's nothing like that. Didn't she, like, always sneak out of castle to roleplay thieves with you and your friends or whatever?"

Aqua was not convinced.

"We aren't roleplaying thieves! And they are my subordinates, not my friends! Besides, we didn't have any adventures planned as of late, so Iris-kun had no reason to sneak out."

"It's not just that! The guards have also searched her room. It was a mess: one of the vases was broken, few other items were misplaced, and the balcony doors were swaying wide open! I don't think the room would've been in such state if Iris-sama had simply left on her own."

"And nobody, like, heard a thing when that happened?"

Aqua was not convinced. She can be surprisingly sharp at the weirdest times.

"I wish. Someone taught her some weird sound-sealing magic recently, and now she frequently applies it onto her room, especially during the nights. Claire-dono was especially upset about it."

"Why would she want to mute her room at night?"

"And that 'someone' wouldn't happen to be this guy, would it?"

All three of them suspiciously looked at me in unison.

I ignored their entire prattle as my mind was in a complete disarray.

My precious Iris-chan is out there somewhere, waiting for her strong and handsome onii-chan to storm in and save her from that predicament…

I absolutely have no time to waste here! I need to think of something quick! But what do I do…?

"So-o, what does it all mean, exactly?"

Aqua scratched her head, unsure how to react.

"It means we are all in a deep trouble! The Capital is already on edge with all these news about the invasion. Can you imagine what would happen if it becomes public that the first princess of Belzerg was kidnapped on top of that?!"

"S-s-so, what does that mean, exactly?"

"We search for her, obviously!"

"Search? By ourselves?!"

Aqua backed away in terror. She clearly had some other plans in mind for today.

"It's not just us obviously, some of her aides are also conducting a subtle investigation of their own. However, Claire-dono is too eager to leave no stones unturned and Rain-dono is too busy trying to keep her in check. That's where we come in!"

"W-what about the others? Surely we aren't the only ones who care about Iris-chan's well-being!"

That idiot can be quite stubborn once her mind is set on something.

"The royal knights are already stretched thin, and it's not like they can openly investigate the case without attracting too much attention to themselves. Besides, Iris-sama is more than just a princess to our group! So, it's up to us to find her as soon as possible! And yes, we all will participate as a search party! Or what, are you saying Iris-sama is not important to you?!"

"Gurk!"

Aqua was now practically backed against the wall. She was quickly running out of excuses to be spared from this noble mission.

"A-Ah, that's right, I just remembered! It is not widely known, but Axis cult possesses some truly ancient restoration magic! So ancient in fact, that I'm sure it might even help us with Kazuma's issue!"

"…"

It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes. C'mon, there's no way anyone would fall for something that stupid!

"Wait, really?!"

"Is that true?!"

"…Wat?"

"B-b-but of course it is! In fact, I was about to head out to our headquarters in Axel with Kazuma. You can join us if you want."

"Err, no thanks, I'll pass on that. Anyways, we have no time to waste, so how about we split up?"

"Good idea. We'll leave it to Aqua to restore Kazuma back to his former self while me and Megumin will help with investigation. Sounds about right?"

"Sounds great to me, mufu."

Aqua let out a quiet chuckle.

"HUH?!"

That doesn't sound great at all!

I should be saving my precious Iris-chan and savoring her calling me onii-chan later as a reward!

I desperately tried to protest, but Aqua quickly forced a pacifier-like object into my mouth. For some reason, it tasted like wine.

"…"

I had no choice but to quietly suck on it.

…

Aqua swiftly carried me out of the house and was practically running towards Axel.

I was already in a bad mood for having to cope with that idiot and her stupid cult.

But more importantly: does she really have to swing me around like some cheap purse?!

"Urp!"

With my sweet pacifier long gone, I was desperately trying to at least keep the remnants of my neroid juice inside.

In-between these swings, I heard Aqua muttering something.

"Just wait for a bit longer, Iris-chan, I'll find you for sure! Just as soon as I get my hands on this hikkiNEET's money before he turns back to normal!"

"…"

I turned to face her directly: if I let it all out, I need to make sure this sinister goddess receives a full blast!

…

Inside the Axis church, we were greeted by a couple of questionably-looking men.

"Ah, Aqua-sama, you're as lovely today as always!"

"Puhe, why thank you!"

"Hmm? Uwu, and who's this little cutie-patootie?"

I had a sudden urge to puke again, only this time it had nothing to do with being swung around.

"Fufu, attention everyone! Please allow me to introduce our newest member! He may look young, but he already possesses an enormous fortune. So, let's all greet him with our brightest smiles!"

"Owo!"

"Can I keep him?"

Everyone was positively elated upon hearing this, and they all rushed over to surround us.

"All hail Lady Aqua for such truly delightful news!"

"Where's the form? I'm pretty sure we can just guide his hand to sign it in the end."

They are seriously planning to solicit me in!

I kicked and cried in protest, but these wackos have already whipped out their stupid form out of nowhere and started filling it out at the lightning speed.

"Hmm, the name, the name — what is thy name of thy youngling?"

"Please let us all formally welcome Kazuma into our ranks, who will no doubt–"

"Pue!"

The whole atmosphere has changed in an instant.

What's going on? Why did they all spit sideways upon hearing my name?

"So, um… you're saying that kiddo is yours?"

Several cultists surrounded us. They were looking at me with a mixture of caution and suspicion.

"Fufu, indeed, he is a child of mine, just like every single one of—"

"Quit screwing around!"

"Kek?!"

"Wait, she's not the real one either?"

"See, I knew it! That girl looks exactly like Lady Aqua, but this one is a fake, I'm sure of it!"

"W-what are you—?"

Aqua looked around in panic, taken aback by this sudden outburst.

One of her followers clenched his hand into a tearful fist.

"Aqua-sama told us how she endured horrendous abuses from that devil in human form…"

"T-that's not true at all, don't look at me like that, Kazuma!"

"Pue! So, you're saying that our pure Lady Aqua would lay in bed with such a man and have an off-spring with him?! And even make this poor child bear his name no less!"

"But aren't we all feeling the same way? I mean, I don't mind my husband spanking me at night…"

"Shut it old hag! This lass keeps telling us that Aqua-sama, Eris pads her chest, would willingly defile herself with a mere mortal!"

"What blasphemy! And who are you calling the old hag?!"

In a blink of an eye, everything around us has devolved into absolute chaos.

Aqua was on a verge of tears, desperately trying to get things back under control.

"Please wait! I really am the—"

"Girl, we get your passion for Lady Aqua, we truly do. And more than anything, we totally understand your desire to imitate her in any way possible…"

"Yeah, we ourselves have been dressing as Aqua-sama for months! Ugh, but my costume is not ready yet! If only I could take a quick peek at her panties…"

"…But everything has a limit, you know! No matter how devout you are to our cause, we absolutely will not tolerate belittling Aqua-sama like that! Not after everything she's already been through!"

Everyone was now clenching their fists.

"Our hearts ached so much each time we heard her tearful pleas…"

"I have no idea what they are talking about, Kazuma! I only said how it'd be nice if you appreciated me a bit more!"

"…So, we vowed to make that human repent for his sins! He'll either join us or regret his decision not to for the rest of his normie life! Such is the will of Lady Aqua!"

"Don't listen to them, Kazuma! I never said such a thing either…!"

"That devil…"

"Pue! Hush now! We shall speak of it no more within these walls! That too is the will of Lady Aqua!"

"Hou…"

So, not only I somehow became a part of the Axis cult doctrine, they even turned my name into a curse word to spit upon. And the one who caused me all that headache…

Well, I just so happened to have a perfect chance to return a favor.

"Mommy!"

I happily exclaimed that word again, trying my best to give Aqua a baby hug.

"Gyah! What the hell are you saying, you stupid hikkiNEET?!"

"See?! See what I mean?! There is no way Aqua-sama would spout such filthy words!"

Seems like Aqua's rebuke only reinforced everyone's belief that the girl in front of them was but a poser.

"You've crossed the line here, missy! Not only have you suggested that Aqua-sama would lay in bed with that breed of a human, you also dared to imply that she would have such a dirty mouth!"

"No one ever humiliated Aqua-sama twice in such a short time!"

"No, wait! Please, it's all a misundersta—!"

"What is there to misunderstand?! As if Lady Aqua would willingly sully her own name like that!"

"She's not the Axis follower! She must be a spy sent by that detestable Eris church to undermine our faith!"

"Heretic! Heretic!"

"Catch her! We have a very special punishment for such cases!"

"Hey, where do you think you're going?!"

"Waaah!"

Wailing loudly, Aqua burst out of the church with me in tow.

…

"Waaah, why did this happen?! I almost had Kazuma in the bag!"

Back at the mansion, Aqua still wouldn't stop crying.

She got what she deserved for dragging me into her Axis cult nonsense!

I ignored her antics and focused my attention on how to resolve the whole thing with Iris-chan. Ugh, if only I could do something about my current state first…

"And everything was going so well! I even thought everyone would help me looking for Iris-chan— Gyah!"

"Fwip!"

Her annoying ramblings were interrupted by a loud flap of the wings: a weird-looking bird made its way into the room and slammed a large envelop it was carrying right into Aqua's face.

"Pua, why you…!"

Aqua instantly forgot about her depression and was now furiously chasing that bird around. Poor thing has finally found some refuge on the curtain rod, though it was still sneaking wary glances at the panting goddess below.

"Get down there, you— huh? Wait, you're one of our FFS carrier powls!"

I gave her a bewildered look: the what now?

"Feast your eyes upon another brilliant idea of mine, the Fast Flight Service carrier powls! Not only they deliver mails that much faster, they are doing an amazing job spreading our leaflets around town! Isn't that great, Kazuma?"

Ah, yes. I muttered to myself, completely ignoring Aqua's blatant plagiarism.

People were complaining recently about some weird pigeon-looking owls disrupting their daily lives and littering the streets with useless garbage. Postmen and city cleaners were especially vocal against them.

Ugh, why am I even surprised at this point…?

"Hmm, what's this, a letter for me? I wonder what's in there… Daw, maybe they all felt bad and sent me an apology. Muhehe, but of course I'll forgive them: they are my children after all! Now let's see…"

Aqua cleared her throat and began reading out loud.

"'Dear fellow cosplayer,

We know neither who you are nor where you live, so we took the liberty to have this powl follow you around and deliver the message directly.

First things first: we thank you for any contributions you ever made to promote our cause. Every little bit counts, especially with those pesky Eris cultists never making it easy for us.

Speaking of which, they were especially edgy this month for some reason. We even offered our help to brighten up the mood, but they had the audacity to send us far away in a very rude manner! Hmph!

Well, anyways, we may not be as rich as those heretics, but our faith in Aqua-sama will never falter!

Oh, and nice costume, by the way. We were seriously impressed with the level of details you put into the outfit of our beloved Aqua-sama. That alone could've made you an exemplary follower of ours—!'

Humu-humu. I don't get the costume part, but whatever."

Aqua nodded to herself, smiling gleefully. I ignored all that fluff text and was patiently waiting for the incoming "but" part.

"'However, today you totally crossed the line there, missy! Not only have you implied that our beloved Aqua-sama was a foul-mouthed brat, you also dared to suggest that she would willingly lay down with that trash of humanity and make babies with him!

Normally, we'd subject you to a disciplinary tree-hanging for spouting such atrocities. However, you somehow managed to escape from us, and we are too busy praying to Aqua-sama and dealing with Eris heretics to search for you.

So, let's settle it the easy way, shall we? As of today, you're now officially expelled from the Axis Cu—'Wait, huh?"

Aqua froze over the letter with her mouth agape, slowly processing what she just read.

"No-no-no-no, this is got so be a mistake, right? Expelled… They cannot expel me, I'm their goddess! Ah, that's right, this guy – what's his name again – that Archbishop of mine! He should know who I am, there is no way he'd ever allow it! Hmm? There's a PS here.

'…We know what you're thinking right about now: "Oh no, I hope the almighty Zesta-sama will come and save me for sure!" and stuff. Well, too bad! He's been missing for a long time now, so we decided to kick him out of his post. Condoriano-kun is our new Archbishop now, and he has already approved your expulsion. All the details are described in the attached form.

For any complaints, please feel free to cry on the moderate bosom of our lovely Cecily-chan, though we doubt it'll help you much.

Also, PPS: Eris pads… her… chest…'"

Aqua's voice died down before she even finished the last sentence.

The letter flew off her stiff fingers, and she looked at me with eyes completely devoid of life.

"Hehe. Ehehe. They expelled me, Kazuma… Can you believe it? They actually went along and expelled me, their own goddess…"

Well, that just happened. Aqua got kicked out of her own cult, and even these carrier powls or whatever treated her like absolute trash because of it.

I wasn't sure how to react to all that. You reap what you sow, I guess.

Anyways, now that this whole nuisance is out of the way, I can finally focus on saving Iris-chan and—

Growl.

Talk about bad timing! Now what do I do?!

I can't rely on this useless goddess wailing on the floor. Even without her identity crisis, the best thing she'd serve me would've been another plateful of natto beans.

I really should just keep quiet and wait for someone else to come back…

The door suddenly flew open and two familiar figures once again barged into the room.

"Aqua, Kazuma, are you there?! Big news, great news!"

"We— err, Aqua…?"

Darkness and Megumin apparently had even more news to report, but they stopped short after realizing they were talking to an empty husk named Aqua.

…

"Um, Aqua?"

"C'mon, Aqua! What's wrong?"

No matter how hard they both tried, they couldn't get any coherent response out of Aqua.

"Hmm, what's this?"

Megumin picked up the letter laying on the floor.

"… … Um, I… I see…"

She forcefully squeezed out a reply after reading the contents out loud. Aqua wailed especially hard during the "expelled" part.

"Well, it's not that bad, is it? I mean, nothing good has ever happened to us whenever we got involved with these guys. Right, Darkness?"

"Y-yeah, totally! Being pelted with stones by your own followers and enduring all those mean things they say to your face… Ah, I feel so jeal— err, so sorry for Aqua! But at least they won't bully her any longer. So, maybe that's all for the best?"

"WAAAAH!"

The annoying goddess started crying again.

Megumin gave Darkness a "look what you did" glare but didn't say anything else.

"There-there. Anyway, Megumin, you ready to go? We still got a lot of work to do…"

Darkness said while patting Aqua on the back.

"Ugh, I'm all sweaty. I need to take a bath first!"

"In that case, I'll join you. We have no time to lose, so might as well discuss everything in there."

"What about Aqua?"

Megumin gave Aqua a concerned look.

"We'll take her with us. I mean, she's good with water, right? So, maybe if we soak her in for a bit, that'll cheer her up. Besides, I feel like we need to cool our heads as well."

"And Kazuma?"

"He's just a baby, so I think it's fine."

"Hmmm…"

"Kazuma, we're all going in without any bath towels!"

"Wait, Darkness, what are you saying?!"

"Relax, Megumin, of course I didn't plan to go that far! See, he didn't react in the slightest. So, I think we're safe."

"I sure hope so…"

Of course, I didn't react in the slightest. Not because I didn't care: I already knew something that good would never happen, so why bother in the first place?

"Well then, emergency bath time?"

Darkness plopped Aqua's body over the shoulder.

"Emergency bath time!"