Inspired by the Bane of Vertebrates by nikkiscarlet over at Ao3, a Pokemon Go fanfic that I still enjoy to this day.

Lie Ren knew his team was far from normal. He was well aware that his team, ALBT, was less a group of young aspiring warriors working together as a cohesive unit, and more a cult of personality condensed into four idiots that had to share a room together.

It just never occured to him that he'd have to one day carry Mercury like a backpack, all the while Adam was cowering in the corner yelling bloody murder, threatening to set their room and the rest of the school ablaze.

It had happened. A cockroach had found its way into their dormitory.

"Ren, please man, get me out of here!" Mercury wailed into Ren's ear, clinging desperately to his friend's back. He had grabbed anything he could get his grimy little hands on, which consisted of Ren's tied hair, his chest, face, anything that would keep him from falling. "C'mon bro! This isn't funny! Just make a break for it, nobody needs you to be a hero right now Ren! I want to live!"

"What are you, insane?" Adam cried from his corner, his back against the wall. He had unsheathed Wilt from its scabbard and was brandishing it menacingly against the invading little beast. "That thing's a filthy invertebrate! You need to kill it, Ren! Before it breeds and spawns more of its own disgusting kin! I have a secret stash of lighter fluid and a box of matches in my drawer, so get them and-FUCK is it getting nearer? What are you doing, Ren? Kill it, kill it now!"

Ren wanted to chuck Mercury on the stupid insect and douse Adam in his own gasoline. It was just a cockroach, for the love of gods. Ren inched forward, struggling against the grip of Mercury. His hands had somehow managed to find its way on his face, stretching his cheeks, blocking his eyes and even getting his fingers into his mouth.

The young man raised the swatter, ready to end the poor thing's life when he suddenly heard, "NO! Ren, what are you doing?" All three turned their attention to the doorway, where Jaune stood breathless, as if he had run all the way to their dorm. In his hands he held a glass and a piece of paper.

Jaune slowly made his way to the center of the room, eyeing the insect cautiously. "What are you three thinking? This cockroach has a life of its own! It doesn't need death - just let me set it free."

As Jaune neared the thing, something horrible happened. Something that would haunt all four of their dreams for the rest of their lives.

Its slimy little back opened up, revealing wings and flew.

In that split-second, all hell broke loose.

Jaune chucked the glass straight to where the roach had been, missing it by an inch as it took off. Ren then watched as the unthinkable happened - Jaune's face went through the five stages of grief in a single moment, before he did his best falsetto and ran out of the room in a yellow blur.

Adam howled in fear and rage. He dashed to their window and used Wilt's handle to break through the glass, sending shards of it and one, angry faunus sailing to the ground.

As for Ren, well he did the most reasonable thing he could think of.

He reached behind him and in a feat of surprising strength carried a confused Mercury over his head and threw him straight at the flying cockroach, before slamming himself into the nearest wall and broke through it with his aura, running for his dear life.

And Mercury? His life flashed before his eyes as he sailed through the air. He saw his mother running out the door, promising to return to him and take him with her one day. He saw Marcus beating the tar out of him. He saw his house set ablaze, his father's corpse laying on the ground. And finally, he remembered meeting his friends and teammates - nay, traitors.

The cockroach landed on his face midair.

"So to reiterate, we have Mr. Arc cowering in Team RWBY's room, refusing to come out despite the wishes of the young women."

"Fascinating."

"Mr. Lie kidnapped one Ms. Valkyrie from her room. The rest of team PNNC are still searching for her."

"Intriguing stuff!"

"Mr. Taurus is on the run. He is suspected of collecting flammable objects to set the school on fire in response to the, and I quote 'Infestation of twisted, disgusting, and horrifying insectoid demons that destroy all adorable vertebrae on the planet.'"

"Very curious."

"And Mr. Black is in the infirmary after sustaining self-inflicted injury while trying to fend off the insect on his face."

"I do so hope he recovers. What a magnificent tale Glynda!"

"You placed that thing in their room, didn't you?" Glynda accused, glaring at the man seated across her sporting a very satisfied look on his face.

"Oh perish the thought, my adorable deputy!" Ozpin cheerily said. The old bastard even had the sheer audacity to spin in his seat, a smile on his face that clearly painted him as guilty. "I would never put my dear students in harm's way in the name of my own entertainment? Why, the thought of me using their own phobias against them simply to alleviate my boredom is such a ghastly thing to think! Why, I'd be no worse than Salem to do such an atrocious act."

Glynda was going to kill him. She was going to make him choke on her riding crop, even if it was the last thing she'd do.

Not... sexually of course.

I have brain damage. Also, pretty please check out my new story, Leftover. It's my first smut fic (though it still doesn't have any of the good stuff yet), and its in both Ao3 and here!

To sum it up, it's a Mercury-centric fanfic that deals with his complicated emotions now that Emerald married Weiss after the war.