Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/9788510.

Rating: Not Rated

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: M/M

Fandom: Merlin (TV)

Relationship: Merlin/Uther Pendragon (Merlin)

Character: Merlin (Merlin), Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana (Merlin), Original Characters

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Age Difference, trigger warning, References to Drugs, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, May/December Relationship, Drug Use, Stillbirth, Resentment, Marriage Contracts, Forced Marriage, it's complicated - Freeform, Not Happy, Uther's a dickbag, Poor Merlin, Hurt Merlin, READ NOTES, I'm Bad At Tagging, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Mpreg

Stats: Published: 2017-02-16 Words: 2150

Toska by Alazan

Summary:

(n.) a dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish.

Uther and Merlin's relationship starts out like a dream that soon becomes a nightmare. In a blink, Merlin goes from living a fairy tale to living a horror story. Even when he finds his way back to Uther to spite him, things can't be fixed. Uther tries, but Merlin resists.

Notes: This might feel rushed and like it could use more...it's basically a chapter story I crammed into a one-shot. So I apologize for that. I wrote this instead of sleeping so there will be mistakes. There are a lot of sensitive topics here that I probably did a shitty job of warning in the tags. There may be concepts I might not fully understand but tried to explain, again I'm sorry I just...sleep was needed and I wrote this instead.

When you think your life is entering it's 'Once Upon a Time' chapter, be careful. On one hand, it could be the glorified Disney version that actually gets a 'Happily Ever After'. Or on the other hand, it could be an echo of the original which wasn't meant to end happily, but with a moral.

That moral being usually being that the monsters usually win.

Merlin wished he could go back in time and avoid all the misery, pain, and drama that's become his life. Sadly, one day he met Uther Pendragon and fell in love.

What could he say? He met an older man who was rich and intelligent. He was witty and sarcastic and showed Merlin a world he could only ever dream up. Merlin boosted Uther's ego and confidence. It wasn't until much later that Merlin really understood he was nothing but arm candy that Uther got to show off to the world. A way to proclaim 'I am old, but still got the stamina of a bull!'

Marriage followed easily enough. Merlin didn't question it, too much of a fool in love to see how many more people than normal were noticing Uther more. It wasn't until much later that Merlin learned that even though Uther was an amazing businessman, there was a part of the world that he couldn't quite conqueror. The young, fast, glorious life of the newest entrepreneurs that rocked the world by storm. Merlin had no clue he was just the key Uther used to unlock this whole new level of power on wall street.

Uther's children, older than Merlin, hated him. Well, Arthur hated him. Morgana was highly skeptical. Merlin tried his best to take part of their lives, but they made it hard. Well, Morgana's schooling made it difficult to catch her. Arthur was another story. He took every chance he could to imply Merlin was just another gold digger, a popper who wanted to change from rags to riches, and other horrible things that had him crying himself to sleep at night. But Uther had been there in the beginning...he would comfort Merlin with sweet nothings and promises that were very enticing.

Then one day Uther takes Merlin away for a holiday.

And abandons Merlin there.

As bad as that was, and it was bad...it got worse when he learned he was with child.

In some moments it gave Merlin hope. As his stomach swelled and he could eventually feel the baby kick and hear it's heart when he got exams. He would delude himself more and imagine a life with him and his beautiful baby.

But the last bit of hope and happiness died the day the baby was born a stillborn.

Merlin had cried and begged as he held his dead son in his arms. He became a ghost after. Somehow became thinner and paler. After depression and misery came anger. Boy, did he have a lot of that. Anger and depression turned into destructive spite.

It was all a blur at some point and he couldn't pinpoint the beginning to explain how it happened. Maybe he had learned something after all.

He targeted powerful men who were attracted to him.

At first, there weren't any fancy parties. Mostly just back alleys or bathroom stalls or back of cars. Then it became a shitty motel room that later became a fancy hotel suite. Merlin rose and gained until he caught Uther's attention again at some posh party. He was Merlin at his core, but the brightness he once carried, the obliviousness and naive self died.

Merlin's life had no purpose anymore. For months his only will to live was to one day meet Uther again and see him jealous that Merlin was wrapped around the arms of another man. Merlin had played that scenario out in his mind so many times with different expressions he could decide which one he wanted most. So when it happened, he was angry that there wasn't any jealousy.

Naturally, he had also expected Uther to not give a damn at all, but that hadn't happened either. There was the slightest tick of guilt before Uther's face regained complete composure and with the stoic elegance only a Pendragon can obtain, waltzed up to Merlin's 'partner' whispered a few words and then Merlin was being dragged off. Adding shock the whole mess, Merlin wasn't yelled at, punished, or imprisoned in any physical way. Not at first at least.

He was taken back to the Pendragon estate and that became his new prison.

Uther didn't approach him until the next day and properly sat down with him.

How many nights had he wished and prayed that Uther would return to him, beg his forgiveness, and welcome him back into his life?

When Merlin's wishes and prayers were finally answered, it was too late. Merlin didn't want to hear excuses about business or morality or hot-headed decisions. He didn't want to know that Uther's reasonings were shit and they both knew it. He didn't care that Uther had been scared or worried.

Merlin didn't care anymore.

"We're still married. I have failed you, I know, but I will make it up to you." Uther promised.

Merlin didn't believe him.

Before Merlin would have tried harder to escape. He would have given a damn about his situation but he didn't. He understood the facts and he knew this was sadly his best case scenario.

He had nothing and no one. Any connections he had to his old life were too distant and he daren't reach out. Losing his baby changed Merlin into someone he didn't recognize anymore. The man he saw in the mirror was too broken for anyone he used to love to be burdened with. He hated the Pendragon Estate and its owners but he lived in luxury and comfort, something he's sorely missed.

Arthur and Morgana have tried to become friendly with him, but in a twist of fate, Merlin shuts down any attempt as soon as it dares to rise. He didn't want friends.

Uther wanted to make him happy with him again and gave Merlin access to all of his funds. An action Merlin was sure would give Arthur grey hairs. He uses the money to get away for the day. Goes shopping, to the spas, to bars. Always accompanied by a bodyguard or two. It's annoying.

He learns to be sneaky around them and his actions. He takes out money in cold hard cash to make a discreet transaction. He wants to have his baby shipped to a cemetery nearby that he can visit. Being far away from him and unable to visit is a new pain in Merlin's heart every morning.

Sneaking out to grieve on his child's stone isn't easy, but damn it if Merlin isn't resourceful.

He gets in trouble later but he doesn't care.

Uther wants to be a real couple again. Share a bedroom, appear in parties together, go out in public and portray love.

It sickens Merlin to the pits of his stomach.

But he attends galas and parties and important functions. Morgana carries him along and they're the crowned beauties of Uther Pendragon. Merlin can't find it to hate Morgana when she's clever and compassionate.

"Uther's been miserable without you. I do not condone his actions but I've seen a man who I only saw as a business tycoon and tyrant become far more human than he himself expected because of you." She told him.

Merlin swallowed thickly before grabbing a passing flute of champagne and chugging it. Taking a deep breath he tells Morgana, "And in that same process I lost myself somewhere in the darkness."

Merlin meets someone at the party who offers him drugs. He shouldn't be surprised, and he wasn't. He does, however, save it for when he gets home. He takes it after he gets ready for bed.

In his drug-induced state is how Merlin can sleep with Uther again.

Uther is happier in the following days, Merlin miserable when he's not feeling nothingness.

"Are you feeling alright?" Uther asked Merlin for the third time that week.

"No different than usual." Merlin's reply was curt. He kept his gaze down and ignored all the eyes that were on him. He didn't know why suddenly Arthur and Morgana had time to sit at every meal with them. Or why Merlin was forced to attend said meals when he was sure Uther would have preferred eating in his study if he remembered to eat at all. Before he might have been curious but he forced himself to remember he didn't care. Caring backfired on him all the time. No more.

"Are you sure he has the gene?" Arthur asked his father later that night. With a shrug, he added, "Maybe it was a mistake."

"The other name in the birth certificate was mine. Merlin had my child...he died. At birth." Uther mumbled as he stared absentmindedly at the picture of himself and Merlin about a year ago...when they were happy.

"Like mother..." Arthur muttered. He hated being reminded of her passing. Much less in this way when it added to the guilt he had for his treatment of Merlin.

"I'm sorry. I do know this isn't easy for you. But there isn't anyone else I can trust with this matter. My pride and downfalls have cost me my relationship with Merlin...I'm doing my best to solve it."

Arthur made a face. "And you're sure this is the right way? Even if he has the gene...a child doesn't fix things."

"You see it as clearly as I do. If Merlin doesn't have anything left to live for..." Uther shook his head. "I can't lose him again. I owe it to him to bring him back to life."

"Maybe the complications of the way the other pregnancy ended is affecting him now," Arthur suggested.

Uther looked up at his son. He hadn't thought of that. "Yes...that must be it. I'll speak with Giaus. See what he's got to say on the matter."

"I still don't think a baby is the answer, but if you can help Merlin not look so sickly, I'm all for it."

Merlin is eventually taken to see Giaus for a full medical exam and Uther learns that despite being a bit underweight, Merlin was alright. He was positive for the gene and should be able to conceive. Just keep trying. And they do.

But with no results.

Life continues on. More wooing, more attempts to make friends and connect bridges and it honestly makes Merlin sick to his stomach. He continues his best to ignore his 'captors and prison' and have fun.

When he learns of Uther's plans to knock him up a feeling of dread fills him. He lost one child of Uther's already...he couldn't lose another. He just couldn't. And the thought of being connected to Uther permanently through something as sacred as a child? After the abandonment, it was a horrible nightmare Merlin did his best to avoid. He drank and smoked a lot. Did dangerous drugs that made it easier to handle the Pendragons and their egos and for the longest time he got away with it.

Until he got caught with some random party guest in a spare bedroom. The look on Uther's face as he caught Merlin on his hands and knees, taking it from behind was amusing, and Merlin was sure it wasn't just the drugs in his system.

There was a whirlwind of movement that had him horribly dizzy. Suddenly Arthur was there covering him with a blanket and wasn't that nice? He was kind of cold. Probably because he was naked. There were thuds and noises coming from the other side of the bed and he peeked over to see Uther punching the man who'd been fucking him. There's more movement, a lot of yelling and then everything goes black for a while.

Hours later he wakes up to a headache like no others. Uther's there with a glass of water and helps him drink.

There's a broken, "Why?"

Merlin looks at Uther and it takes him a while to gather his thoughts, the information, and his own feelings. Finally, he said. "Getting high's the only way I can stand you touching me...and the thought of you knocking me up horrified me. I had to make sure it didn't happen...you ruined me once. I don't know what more there is to break but...I can't be tied to you like that anymore. So please...just give me a divorce and leave me alone!"

Uther's face is like a stone as he slowly gets up and heads to the door. He stops. With his back to Merlin, he said just loudly enough. "No. I'm going to fix us."