Today we're going to be doing a parody of the Mummy featuring Family Guy characters. You can try to guess which characters are going to be portrayed by which Family Guy characters but some of them might surprise you...

I hope you enjoy this story. I'll do Return Of The Mummy if this gets favorable reviews. Of course since this is the first chapter I probably won't be receiving many reviews yet. Still, I figured I would be optimistic when it comes to writing stories. There's no point in being a pessimist or my stories will degrade as a result.

Chapter 1: Regal Backstabbing

At his house, Peter Griffin was sitting on a chair, holding out a VHS copy of The Mummy. Outside, it was night.

"Hello everyone. Chris wanted me to help me with his history homework. But since I'm not so good at history myself I decided to tell him a story based on one of the movies I like to watch. What's that? You want me to tell you the story? Alright then. Sit back and have a seat." said Peter Griffin.

In the city of Thebes, 1290 BC...

Unsurprisingly, it was a warm sunny day in Egypt. People throughout Thebes could feel the hot desert sun.

Luckily, they were in possession of water.

Thebes. City of the living. Crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti (Joe Swanson) the first.

"Yee-hah!" exclaimed Pharaoh Seti, who was riding a chariot.

Home of Imhotep (Glenn Quagmire), High Priest Of Osiris, Keeper of the Dead.

Personally he wished that his job was keeper of women.

Still, being the high priest was a pretty big honor. Though to be honest, people thought that he was going to commit sacrilege someday...or at least blasphemy.

"Giggity giggity giggity!" exclaimed Imhotep pervertedly. He was hoping that he would get lucky tonight.

He was hoping to score with the ladies...as usual.

Despite his bald head, people thought he was sexy.

At least, his fellow priests told him he was sexy.

He wondered if they really thought so or they were trying to kiss his butt.

But either way, they seemed to be completely loyal to him.

Birthplace of Anck Su Numan (Bonnie Swanson), Pharaoh's Mistress. Other men were prohibited from touching her...as well as lesbians.

Personally, Anck Su Numan thought that her husband thought of her as little more than a trophy. She wanted somebody that would truly love her.

Fortunately, he found that someone in the form of Imhotep. Imhotep was rather lustful himself...but he at least seemed to see her a person. Why couldn't she be married to him instead?

Since Imhotep was a pervert, he decided that he would make love with Anck Su Numan and disregard everything that the pharaoh had told everyone NOT to do. He just couldn't resist an opportunity to get the girl. He had met several concubines in the past, but he decided why not go for someone who was royalty?

Besides, he felt like he could date this woman for more than just her body...though she did have a nice body, he could say that much.

Sure, Anck Su Numan was already married, but who said that he needed to find out about their affair? Besides, considering how immodestly dressed she was, it would be a waste to pass up such an opportunity.

Of course, if the pharaoh found out, he would probably be executed...but as we said, he couldn't resist the opportunity. Anck Su Numan was simply TOO sexy. No wonder the pharaoh wanted her as his mistress.

Fortunately, she agreed to meet with him in secret.

They did so one night that would change the history of Egypt forever.

And ironically, it was cold in the desert at night.

"Giggity!" shouted Imhotep, touching Anck Su Numan's breast with glee.

Unfortunately for him, the pharaoh suspected the mistress was cheating on him. Every now and then he noticed that she had kiss marks on her face...and they didn't match his lips.

He decided to enter her chambers to see what was going on. Was his mistress unfaithful?

For a moment, it seemed like everything was normal. He didn't see any sign of anyone else in the room.

Luckily, Imhotep had kept himself hidden, though he couldn't help but whisper Giggity every now and then.

The pharoah wondered if he was hearing voices.

However, his eyes widened when he noticed that his mistress's body paint had been smeared. Apparently, she had been touching herself...or had she?

"Who touched you? Was it that perverted high priest?" inquired Pharaoh Seti. He seemed like should be the prime suspect.

Considering it hardly ever rained in Egypt, he figured that his mistress hadn't been drenched.

Anck Su Numan nodded. It was THAT perverted high priest. At this point she was willing to confess to her adultery.

The pharaoh sighed. He should have known. Imhotep was as lustful as heck.

"I'm going to kill him for this later!" exclaimed Seti. Fortunately, he happened to have a pretty talented executioner.

"He can't kill me if I kill him first." thought Imhotep.

At that very moment, Imhotep approached him with a sword.

"Imhotep, what are you doing? Put down that sword!" ordered Pharaoh Seti.

Anck Su Numan then proceeded to stab the pharoah in the spine.

He screamed in pain and in horror.

His legs suddenly went numb.

"Aah! My spine! I can't feel my legs!" exclaimed the now paraplegic pharaoh.

How could his own high priest and his mistress betray him like this?

Well, he did cheat on his mistress a few times, and he had made fun of the high priest for being bald. Apparently he had a habit of shaving his head.

"And pretty soon, you won't be able to feel your head." remarked Imhotep.

"What?!" shouted the pharaoh.

Imhotep then proceeded to cut off Pharaoh Seti's head with his sword.

"You were in way over your head when you decided to make Anck Su Numan your personal trophy!" exclaimed Imhotep.

Anck Su Numan giggled.

It felt rather satisfying. Now he and Anck Su Numan could be together for as long as they wished, without having to worry about the pharaoh standing between them.

Of course, he had to commit murder so that they could be together...but he never liked the pharaoh anyway. He was so full of himself.

However, he now had a problem. How were he and Anck Su Numan going to get away with murder? They had just murdered the leader of an entire city. People weren't going to turn a blind eye to that.

It was only a matter of time before the Medjai investigated his death. They would no doubt interrogate everyone who was at the palace. And unfortunately, neither of them exactly had an ironclad alibi.

Unfortunately, they didn't have a lot of time to plan out their getaway.

Already, the Medjai were looking for the priest.

It seemed that they had detected something horrible had happened to him.

Fortunately, she had a plan...though it wasn't one that Imhotep would approve of.

"I'll commit suicide, then you go to Hamunapatra and resurrect me using the Book Of Dead!" instructed Anck Su Numan, pulling out the dagger that she had used to murder Pharaoh Seti I earlier.

However, Imhotep was understandably not thrilled about the idea.

He decided to advise against it.

"I'm going to wish I was dead if the pharaoh's bodyguards find out that I'm committing sacrilege! I'm probably already going to be beheaded for treason just like I beheaded the pharaoh!" exclaimed Imhotep.

"Only you can do it!" shouted the pharaoh's former mistress.

Anck Su Numan stabbed herself in the gut while Imhotep and his priest followers escaped from the castle.

imhotep let out a sigh.

Well, he might as well start setting the plan in motion. At least he still had his priests on his side even after all he did.

"I sure hope this plan works..." thought the priest. If it didn't, then he would have committed capital crimes for nothing.

Imhotep and his priests made their escape from the city of Thebes. Fortunately, the guards weren't able to find them.

Luckily, Anck Su Nam's crypt wasn't well-guarded. It seemed people weren't concerned if somebody decided to loot her grave, since she had murdered the pharaoh.

Beside her corpse there were four jars.

They were exactly what he needed to resurrect Imhotep.

Afterwards, they prepared to bring Anck Su Numan from the dead. In Imhotep's opinion, she was too sexy to die.

Fortunately, the Book of the Dead wasn't well-guarded, even though using it was forbidden.

However, when the guard noticed the book was gone, he suspected immediately who had stolen it. He too had heard about what happened to the pharaoh.

"Imhotep? Where are you? Maybe I should dress up like an attractive female..." spoke the guard.

However, their luck would eventually run out.

They then sneaked their way into Anck Su Numan's crypt, dug up her body, and took the canopic jars containing her organs.

However, Imhotep wasn't happy about picking up her corpse.

"This is really gross...I hope resurrecting her is worth it." noted Imhotep. Still, she was rather hot. He was lucky that a lady like her was attracted to him. If only she hadn't been already married. That would have made his life a lot easier, wouldn't it? He wouldn't have to do any grave robbing, that was for sure.

When they were finished with their grave robbing, they then made their way to the city of Hamunpatra. Imhotep then proceeded to steal the Book Of The Dead from its holy resting place. Fortunately, the guard happened to be sleeping.

"I wonder why they don't just use this book on the pharaoh. They all miss him, right?" inquired the high priest. Now that they thought of it, he wondered why the Book Of The Dead was kept a secret from the rest of the world.

Apparently, using the Book Of The Dead was considered sacrilege...but he didn't really see why. Some people were simply too young to die. Just look at Elvis Presley.

Well, he could ask questions later. For now, it was time for him to resurrect his lover.

Thankfully, he didn't need to perform a sacrifice. Anck Su Numan was only killed recently. Of course, one of his priests would have volunteered in order to do so.

But unfortunately for him, before the ritual could be completed, the pharaoh's bodyguards stormed in.

"Oh c'mon! Can't you at least let me finish my ritual?" asked Imhotep.

"Why don't we burn that book? It causes nothing but trouble..." said one of the Medjai.

They proceeded to seize Imhotep and his fellow priests. He had been SO close.

As Imhotep was carried away, he wondered how exactly they had managed to find him.

He came to a conclusion.

"Alright, which one of you told the pharaoh's bodyguards where to find us?!" bellowed Imhotep as they grabbed his arms. Someone must have ratted them out, but who?

"What can I say? You were depriving me of a real hot babe here..." answered Death, who was secretly one of the priests. He didn't want her to be restored to life, it seemed.

As punishment for using the Book Of The Dead for resurrection, the priests were sentenced to be mummified alive.

"Ah-ah-achoo!" exclaimed one of the priests as he sneezed his brains out.

"Gesundheit." said one of the pharaoh's bodyguards carrying out the deed.

As for Imhotep, for his role in the murder of the pharaoh (as well as using the Book Of The Dead in the first place), he was about to experience a curse so horrible that it had never before been bestowed.

"A curse so horrible that it had never before been-oh Osiris! This is going to suck!" shouted Imhotep, who was listening to the narrator the whole time.

"You have the nerve to use Osiris's name in vain after your sacrilege? That's it! We're cutting off your tongue!" bellowed one of the bodyguards.

"Not my tongue! I need that for licking girls with!" bellowed the high priest.

The bodyguard doing the deed rolled his eyes. Was that all he ever thought about?

After his tongue was severed, Imhotep was condemned to be wrapped up like a mummy, then buried alive. And since the Homdai granted Imhotep eternal life, he was going to be stuck in his crypt for a LONG time.

Incidentally, the bandages happened to be quite absorbent.

Which was good, because Imhotep had wet himself in the process of wrapping him up like a birthday present.

"I just wanted to eat the pharaoh's mistress!" exclaimed Imhotep. Was that too much to ask?

"Well, these scarabs definitely will eat you." answered one of the pharaoh's bodyguards as he opened a pot containing ravenous scarabs.

The scarabs proceeded to devour Imhotep's flesh.

"Aaaaaah!" screamed the doomed high priest as the scarabs bit into his skin. Why were those scarabs so hungry? And since when did they eat human flesh?

Well, he didn't really have time to think about those questions. He was going to be eaten alive over and over again.

Until the scarabs died off, anyway. They didn't have long life spans.

But by then, Imhotep would most likely be cuckoo crazy.

"Mmm...that flesh tastes good." remarked the scarabs in Bruce's voice. It tasted so sweet and buttery.

Imhotep would never be allowed to be released, for if he WERE to be released, he would arise a walking (sexually transmitted) disease, a plague upon mankind (but a gift to the ladies), an unholy flesh eater (and women eater), with the strength (and stamina) of ages, power over the sands (and women's hearts), and the glory of invincibility (as well as fertility).

Of course, after reading that, one would probably assume some schmuck WAS going to reawaken Imhotep. It's ironic how humanity would do something that would doom itself, now wouldn't it?

"Um, are you sure that we should really be giving this guy this curse?" inquired one of the gravediggers. There would be dire consequences for the world if Imhotep was ever brought back to life. And they likely couldn't keep him in that crypt forever.

"Just shut up and keep digging!" answered the other gravedigger.

The gravediggers proceeded to dig Imhotep's grave deep, deep underground.

"There. Now nobody will ever find it..." said the first of the gravediggers.

"Right?"

I thought it was appropriate for Anck Su Numan to cripple the pharaoh before killing him considering whose portraying him.

If I write a sequel, I think I'll probably have Rick's son be portrayed by Chris. It seems appropriate. Of course, I wonder who's going to portray the Scorpion King.

Eh, I'll probably think of something.

Let me know if you have any suggestions as to which Family Guy character should portray which Mummy character. Of course I had my share of ideas already.

I'm not going to resurrect the mummy just yet...that would make this fanfic a little too fast paced. For now why don't we focus on our protagonists? As well as the morons that are eventually going to open the chest containing the Book Of The Dead despite the warnings.

In the next chapter, our heroes are going to see if they can find the secrets of Hamunapatra. They probably shouldn't.