The council does not need a report on your sex life.

Or that of your crew.

Or that of the other councilors.

If they did by some chance need such a report, they would not wish it to be turned in with a chart and visual aids.

Shepard sat at her desk, hard at work at her latest project to show off to the Council.

"Hmm, should the strap-on be lime green or dark blue?" she asked herself. After scrolling through the image results that came up when she searched "strap-on dildo", she copypasted a pointy dark blue strap-on inside the body of a naked turian with Garrus' head superimposed onto it, in theory, anyway. In practice, the strap-on was more behind the naked turian's body than inside of it.

"Now where to put Thane? I don't want him to just be a third wheel…" Shepard moved the picture of Thane's head photoshopped onto a naked drell's body around, "Do I want him to be fucking me or fucking Garrus?" After much deliberation was made, she opted for plonking Thane's dick onto Garrus' head.

"Moving on to my speculations of the sex lives of some of my crew." Shepard created a few new pages. While she worked on them, she made comments to herself such as,

"Hmmm, I oughtta give Joker shittons of padding before he goes at it with EDI," "Would James even be willing to have his dick tattooed?", "What do Javik's wings look like anyway?", and "I hope I don't make Tali look too much like a human."

After the charts and visual aids involving her crew were completed, Shepard began to work on the charts and visual aids that involved the councilors, sporting a devilish grin all the while.

"And in conclusion, whenever you're not doing your Council stuff, all three of you are engaged in one kinky threesome that involves red yarn, plastic fruit, and varren chew toys," Shepard declared, "Prove me wrong!"

"Commander…" Tevos said, "this is not a report any of us expected to receive, or wanted to receive in the first place."

"Really? Then what's this little request addressed to me supposed to be?" Shepard handed a tablet to Sparatus.

"'Dear Commander Kicker-Of-Cerberus-Ass Shepard, we are so bored out of our minds right now. We are begging you to give us a report on the sex lives of you, your crew, and the Council, preferably with as many visual aids as possible.'" Sparatus read from the tablet, "Commander, did anything about this 'request' tip you off to the fact that none of us sent it?"

"Well…" Shepard answered, "there was no P.S. regarding pointers on how to improve your sex lives added."

"Really? That's what makes this 'request' suspect?" Valern spoke up.

"There's also a surprising lack of dicks drawn."

"Why would anybody draw dicks in an official request?" Sparatus asked.

"To be cheeky?"

"Commander, since it is obvious to the three of us that you are either unaware or unwilling to admit that this request was fabricated, we have but one question to ask, who fabricated it?" Tevos asked.

"I dunno."

"Don't play ignorant with us," Valern said, "we know you're just covering for the person who did fabricate that request."

"No, seriously guys, I don't know. And judging from your expressions, you still don't believe me. Would it help if I did try to find out the request fabricator?"

"Very well," all three councilors said.

"Kay, bye!" Shepard sprinted out faster than you can say "Do not ingest because turian dicks do not taste like mint".

Shepard lied down on her bed, grinning at the thought of that special someone she knew well coming up with an elaborate prank to play on the Council. After her minutes of grinning like a cheeky fucker were over, she got up.

"Am I gonna need these for my next meeting with Victus?" Shepard grabbed some bottles of turian brandy that weren't labeled "For my honey bunny Garrus only".

"Eh, better to have it and not need it." Shepard shrugged.