To new readers: This fanfic starts off as funny and crack but I attempt to make it have an actual plot later on. Enjoy!

Prologue

Boredom

Boredom.

The feeling of weariness that comes because one is unoccupied or lack interest in one's current activity. That is… if you have an activity to do in the first place. So, how does boredom work exactly?

To be bored, you must meet a few conditions.

First, you need to have enough energy is to actually be bored. Now you may ask: but isn't boredom basically not having energy? No. Boredom is actually when you have a shit ton of energy with nothing to use it for. Imagine being on a sugar high with nothing to do. So, therefore, to be bored, you have to have energy the needs to be spent.

Second, is when you can't focus your attention. Imagine being in the airport waiting for your delayed flight. You'd just think: so, what? Now imagine waiting for your delayed flight without your phone. *GASP* Yeah, I know. End of the world right. You'd get bored in that situation because there is a lot of activity going on around you but can't find something worthy of your attention.

Those are the two main requirements that must be met in order to classify yourself as BORED. This is the situation our favourite observant, tyrannical, misunderstood, realistic, cynical, self-sacrificing, sis-con, loner found himself in. Although he wouldn't describe himself as bored. He'd say he was BORED AF! Yeah, that's how bored he was. Cleaning the house… Done. Reading a book… Done. Finishing Hiratsuka-sensei's assignment… Done. Finishing Hiratsuka-sensei's assignment properly… Uh… Done… depending on your definition of properly and according to Hachiman, it was done so fuck off.

Hah… Hachiman, you can't just-

Don't tell me what to do! ('You don't own me' plays in the background)

Fine. You know what, fucking fine. Don't come crying to me when you get socked by the hag again. Anyway, getting back to explaining the situation, our misanthropist found himself bored out of his mind. So, what does he do? He thinks to himself: what do normies do? Internet?

Luckily for Hachiman, his parents had bought him an expensive laptop as a graduation gift when he had entered Sobu. Might as well do something with it.

A few moments later. (All timeskips in the Spongebob narrator's voice)

Iridocyclitis… huh… interesting.

What… what is 'fr e sh a voca do'? Haha, that's funny…

Oh! He really could've dropped his croissant, y'knooow. Oh shit, I'm turning into Iroha.

More moments later.

Those… those ain't chickens sweetie, those are… Idk wtf they are, but they sure as hell ain't chickens…

AMERICA EGGSPLAIN! WHY NO ARKANSAS!

Flying Lawnmower… Me wants, by now, Hachiman's brain was reacting in ways that a normal brain reacts when on crack.

Much later.

Ouch, I can't believe he's done this…

Dab? What's dab? Is it like this? No, wait maybe-

It was then that his precious little sister walked in on Hachiman trying to dab.

"Onii-chan! Can you help me with… What're you doing?" Komachi asked with a 'please stop before I have to euthanize your ass' look.

"Uh… Ah… Achoo! Ah, that was good. Thank you, Komachi. I was able to sneeze because you," Hachiman said with that same creepy grin on his face.

"… I'm gonna pretend I didn't see what I clearly just saw," and she walked out muttering something about 'condom failures'.

Much, much, later.

I wonder if they sell white Vans in Chiba…

'Accessing the deep web'… What the hell is a deep web?

coins? Wait, didn't I buy some when I was back in eighth grade or something? I wonder if I still have them… and what are they worth?

12:00 Midnight

"Komachi!" Hachiman called out as he walked into his sister's room.

"Huh… Wha… Onii-chan?" said Komachi jerking awake, still trying to figure out who she was and what dimension she was in.

"Do we have some watermalone in the house?" Hachiman asked, eyes red as a ghoul.

Komachi's eye twitched. "GO TO SLEEP, GOMII-CHAN!" she shouted and proceeded to kick Hachiman out.

"Haaaahhhh…" he sighed, "fine. Even though I look like a burnt chicken nugget, I still love myself." And he walked downstairs to get some kool-aid.

3:28 AM

So… Bush did 9/11?

The Next Morning.

Hachiman closed his laptop. "Guess I should get some sleep now…" he said, and he looked out the window. "Oh? It's morning already?"

He quickly took a shower and walked downstairs to get some breakfast and fuel- err- coffee. "Onii-chan, you look… messed up. Are you okay?"

Hachiman's eyes glazed over. "Annie are you okay, are you okay, are you okay, Annie…" he sang softly.

"Onii-chan!" Komachi shouted to get his attention.

"Huh? Oh, uh, 21."

"Fuck it, I'm done," she muttered. "Here's your breakfast, Onii-chan." She said and went off to finish her homework. She had hoped that since it was Saturday, her brother would be free and help her but… yeah, that plan went out the window.

Hachiman took the cereal box and tilted it to pour some cereal out. "Thank god life didn't give me lemons." He mumbled barely awake. Thankfully, there was no school today… or tomorrow.

346 Minutes Later.

Hachiman was back on his laptop, researching what the hell 'Stuxnet' was.

Hmm… a virus created by CIA to fuck up Iran's nuclear program, huh? Maybe I could create a virus…

Hachiman quickly went for consultation from old trusty Google-sensei.

So, C is the most common language to create one in. I guess I could learn it.

And Hachiman was no longer bored.

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