Hey beloved GG folks,

Nice to see you again,

This is my second story.

To me, S7E13 has always been extremly(!) underrated. Luke's fish bag screams ILY like nothing else! From that point on there's so much unused potential to fix a lot of their issues! I just had to try to make things right for the L's. This is my main focus, getting Luke and Lorelai back to the place they should have never left.

(As little of Christopher in that fic as possible!)

Three warnings before we start:

This is going to be emotional and even a little sappy at times. (Is that a bad thing? hmm..) It's the way I see Luke & Lorelai, not just a cute, bantering, smart, easy-going couple, but also deeply broken, confused and a little overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings for each other. This story will deal with, what I think, were the things we didn't hear or didn't get to see. They were so in love with each other, and even if they screwed up big time, that love doesn't just go away.

This story is also going to be sad. I have to admit, even though it's not an easy topic, I wanted the story to be like that from the moment the idea formed in my head. Character death is involved. If you're not in that emotional place right now, you should probably save it for another time. (But: Even with all the angst and drama, this will -of course- turn out JavaJunkie. I'm not a monster, I love my alltime-favorite OTP!)

The whole thing is a little AU, but nothing that couldn't have happened on the show. I had to change the GG season 7 timeline a little to make it fit into my own order of events. Bear with me here. At least I save you from that god awful Christmas celebration they forced us to endure.

(Thoughts/memories in italic.)

So since you survived my babbling, here's a cookie,

sit down now, snuggle up in a cozy blanket, have some tea or coffee, relax.

I hope you enjoy,

here it is:

Through it all

- Chapter 1 - You don't come here anymore, remember? -

She took a deep breath. Her heart was beating heavy in her chest in an unhealthy and unsteady rhythm. She was sure she would take the next step. Or wouldn't she?

Today would be the first time in about 6 months that Lorelai Gilmore would set foot into Luke's Diner.

Her right hand clutched to the strap of her purse while on her left hand her wedding band burned a line of guilt and regret into her finger, her whole hand actually, as she gripped the handle of the front door and closed it behind her.

She closed her eyes for a second and the crisp fall air helped her clear her senses.

The sky was gloomy and grey, the sun had troubles breaking through the clouds. Early morning fog was rising all around her and the trees were losing more and more of their once so pretty orange and red, now withered brown leaves these days.

As she was trying to relive the events of the last week, she took one careful step at a time. She was working up the courage to just get through this now.

She hadn't thanked Luke enough yet. The tiny precious moment they had shared was interrupted before they even had a chance to really recognize it.

He was driving around Connecticut to fulfill her crazy mother's obscure wishes. None of them had expected him to be there. He wasn't asked to do it. And maybe it was nothing he should have done. Nothing he needed to have done in the first place.

But it was just what he did, because no matter what had happened between them, he was Luke Danes.

A shiver ran through her.

She should have known.

He'd always be her best friend. They screwed up badly, but he was man and human enough to let it pass, suck it up and be there for her and her family. No questions asked.

Once Luke Danes is in your life, he's in your life forever.

Fallen leaves were rustling under her feet as she crept closer to the Diner. A wistful smile appeared on her face as she was half-waving at neighbors and townies crossing her path.

None of them knew, how broken she felt.

None of them knew, how badly she wanted to turn back time.

None of them knew, that Luke brought a fish bag to the hospital where Richard Gilmore was fighting for his life.

And none of them knew, what it meant. What it meant to her. What Luke still meant to her.

The wedding band that Christopher had given her was heavy on her finger. She didn't even feel like wearing it most of the times. It was uncomfortable and nowhere near as beautiful and special as the one that Luke had given her, what seemed like a lifetime ago. She still kept it in her jewelry box. Under layers of ridiculously expensive but meaningless Tiffany items, all purchased by her husband, she kept Luke's ring hidden like a treasure. It was her secret to keep. Her hell to deal with. Every once in a while she took it out to look at it. With tears in her eyes she then lined the delicate engraving with her finger. 'Forever – L.'

And that's when she usually started crying. 'Forever' ended sooner than she would have ever expected. 'Forever' was a lie. Just like the lie that was painfully tightening around her ring finger now. A new promise that was meant to replace the previous one. The old dent hadn't even vanished when he put the new ring on her finger. But Christopher's ring, or love, or presence could never replace the void Luke had left behind, when she walked away from him that awful night in May.

When she had almost reached the town square, its beautifully decorated Gazebo in the center drawing all attention to it, her thoughts went back to the character reference, she had given to Luke just mere days before Richard's heart attack. The fateful piece of paper that sounded so much like a love letter. She had meant every word. And Christopher hated it. He hated it, he feared it, because every word was true. And as unreasonable and childish as he could be, he knew Lorelai. He knew her emotions, and he knew, that they were real and strong and always came straight from her heart. Lorelai and Luke were not done. And they would probably never be.

From afar she saw a dozen people huddling in front of the Diner's closed front door.

A strange memory flashed in front of her eyes. Major déjà-vu moment.

She tried to remember the exact date as she had been living in some sort of a fog for the last couple of weeks.

When she heard Miss Patty's high-pitched voice yell something in her direction, it dawned on her.

'Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death.'
'Oh, hon.'
'And every year on that anniversary I, uh, I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone. I get in this kind of a funk. Its like I'm –'
'You have a dark day.'
It was November 30th.

Lorelai's stomach flipped and made her feel all nauseous. She had completely forgotten about it.

Last year she made a promise. She told Luke she would never again let him live through one of his dark days alone. At least not through all of it.

They agreed that sitting at a lake in the nasty and cold November weather, watching him fish while complaining about her boots getting soaked was not a thing she should be participating in. But as usual, Luke had caved and told her about the other little ritual he had established to get him through that day.

He only went to visit him once a year, in the safety of the setting sun, on November 30th. He wasn't too fond of the idea at first and he felt slightly uncomfortable when she was standing by his side, holding his hand for support and comfort. She listened to him pour out his heart to the cracked, overgrown grave stone at William Danes' last resting place. She watched Luke tell his father everything that had happened over the course of the last year. How he and Lorelai were engaged, how happy he was, how much he wished his old man could be there to watch them get married and have a family of their own. He finally got the girl! Luke told his dad how much he missed his mom and how both of them would have loved Lorelai and Rory. Through it all Luke didn't shed any tears, but Lorelai did.

She sobbed like a little child who had lost her favorite and only teddy bear.

How she got so lucky to have a man that strong, that solid, but also so caring and sweet, she would never know.

Then he kneeled down and laid a single white rose on the old ivy-covered grave.

Later that night, when they had gotten home, she fell into an uneasy sleep, pretty sure to have heard him sob.

Luke knew about April then. But Lorelai didn't.

Now she was sure, Luke had shed these tears because of her. With Lorelai being there at the cemetery with him, he wasn't able to tell his father about the granddaughter he suddenly had.

What a secret to keep…

"Lorelai, honey?" Miss Patty asked as she came closer, eyeing her with a suspicious look on her face.

Coming back from memory lane, she tried hard to ignore her pounding heart and to focus on the people staring at her.

"Hey." She said carefully.

"What are you doing here? You can't have your old stool back. You don't come here anymore, remember?" Kirk stated unceremoniously.

An annoyed Taylor chimed in "Nevermind. It's closed anyway. Because apparently Lucas still holds on to that 'dark day' of his." Air quotes and a mocking tone accompanied his words. Lorelai shot him a look that told him to better shut it.

"Yeah honey, I'm sorry. Did you want to go in? We haven't seen you around here for quite a long time." Miss Patty's reproachful undertone wasn't lost on Lorelai.

She sighed. What did I do? "I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh don't be, we know you have a lot on your mind." Miss Patty tried again, way friendlier than before. Lorelai knew, she wasn't just referring to the last couple of weeks, but she was thankful for the way out of this whole reoccurring 'Christopher-is-so-not-right-for-you-and-we-don't-like-him-but-we-won't-say-it-out-loud' bullshit the town gave her whenever they saw her with him.

"Yeah. That's true!" Another sad smile crossed her face.

"So how is your father? I heard the likeliness of this happening again in the days after the incident is quite high." Why did Kirk not have any social skills at all?

Another sigh. "Yes, unfortunately that's right and we have to wait and see how his body will respond to the medication and the heart surgery. Bypass surgery is a pretty big deal and we're not entirely safe yet."

Patty touched Lorelai's arm in a compassionate manner and winked "Oh dear, he'll be fine. He's a big, strong man! He'll be back to his gorgeous self in no time!"

Not wanting to discuss this any further, she started to turn around to leave. "I hope you're right. Thanks, Patty!" The dance teacher gave her another pitiful look and before she would ask the question Lorelai feared and didn't have an answer to, she turned and headed towards the Dragonfly.

The hours ticked by painfully slowly that day.

Lorelai didn't get Luke off her mind, no matter how hard she tried.

November 30th. She made a promise and it wasn't like her to not stick to it.

But things were different now.

Their 'Forever' turned into a 'Once upon a time' and wasn't even a 'Maybe someday' anymore. As she was thinking of Luke and William Danes, a man she would have loved, she was sure of that, the fear of losing her own dad was stronger than ever. They may have never been the closest and most affectionate of people, but they truly loved each other. That much was clear. And even though Kirk was being an ass, he was right. The doctors had told the Gilmore women, the risk of Richard having another heart attack, and a more severe one too, was increasing, since this hadn't been his first coronary disease and his heart was extremly weak right now. Neither of them talked about it after that. Avoiding reality became a habit for all of them. They just kept themselves busy with running errands, talking to insurance and fish delivery people.

And as fast as that, she was back to the moment that had been nagging at her for days now. The moment when she had spotted him at the hospital's reception, holding big bags of lovely selfmade junk food and the biggest bag possible containing all sorts of gross, but undoubtedly healthy sea fish.

'I just wanted to drop off some food for you guys and get going.' Her heart sank.
'Luke you didn't have to do that.' She felt like someone was sitting on her chest, making it hard for her to breathe.
'No, it's all right. I wanted to make some stuff anyway, so... all right, I'm gonna get out of here now.' He didn't move.

It was the way they were locking eyes, old lovers, even older friends, the way he still poured his heart and soul into every smile he gave her. It made her sad, how Luke probably thought he was no longer in the position to ask about her dad's condition. It was not his place to be, not anymore and it shouldn't bother him. His eyes told her differently. They always gave him away.
'He's okay. The surgery went well.' She smiled at his almost inaudible, relieved gasp.
'Oh, that's terrific. That is such good news!'

His wide, dazzling smile hit her like an 18 wheeler truck. Deep blue oceans beamed at her. They almost blinded her. He was so sweet, so honest and caring. Her wedding band burned another mark of regret into her finger.

What the hell did I do?

'You brought a fish bag?'
'Well I heard somebody talking about fish. There's two fillets, okay… Lobster roll, fish tacos, two Tuna-fish sandwiches, some fried fish, and fish sticks.'

Her appreciation of him in that moment grew with each word.

And if Christopher wouldn't have interrupted the scene, Lorelai was sure she would have fallen to pieces right in front of Luke. She now knew, she could always count on him. That stinking, leaking bag of fish was his way of saying 'I still love you.' It cut her in two and again her breath got stuck in her throat. Nobody else may have looked at it this way, but it was as simple as that. He still cared. Luke Danes always lets his actions speak. And they were louder and clearer than any words could have ever been.

"Honey?" Sookie poked her arm with a worried frown. "Are you lost in dreamland again?"

Torn from her daze Lorelai looked at her best friend and just shrugged a little. The chef knew that look on her face. Everytime Lorelai was staring into the great wide nothing, she was rubbing and turning her wedding ring absently. Sookie knew about most of Lorelai's emotional ups and downs, and she was sure, that her friend had made the most wrong decision possible by marrying Christopher. Or getting back together with him, or sleeping with him in the first place. But there was nothing she could do about all of that now. Not much anyway. "Lorelai, sweetie, go home, ok? You've had a rough couple of days. Your dad had a heart attack last week. Nobody expects you to be here right now. Take care of your family, rest, take a nap, visit your dad. But please, don't come here and try to act tougher than you are. You don't need to be tough right now! You're allowed to cry and wallow, you know." Lorelai wasn't so sure if Sookie was still talking about Richard or if she was referring to what she had told Sookie about Luke helping them out and Christopher's absence following the finding of the character reference and throughout most of their stay at the hospital.

Lorelai was tired. It was only 5 pm but she was beyond ready to go home, fall into her bed and sleep through until the next morning. Or until next week. Next year might be nice too!

"Look Sookie, I-" she was interrupted "Uh-uh-uh! you go home now Lorelai Gilmore! And you don't come back here until your dad is home, safe and sound! I insist!"

A slow half-smile crept over her face. "Man, when did you get so bossy?"

"There are a lot of things you kinda missed in the last months…" Ouch. The fast mouth striked again. But as much as it hurt, Sookie was right.

Lorelai nodded weakly, kept her head down and whispered a quiet "I know."

Sookie gave her a quick, but comforting hug and sympathetically touched her shoulders. Looking her friend straight in the eyes, she pleaded "Lorelai, you really need a break! Please go and only come back when you're really ready." Suddenly she mustered up a new sense of courage, gestured to Lorelai's reddened finger and said "And you might wanna take that off, you know, just for a little while."

Lorelai only nodded and left to go home.

As she was walking down the streets of her nutty little town she noticed the sun was already setting. At some point the clouds must have broken open today to let the last rays of sunshine ease some of the depressiveness of this particular day. The beautiful light and bright colors of the season still gave their best to make it seem like nothing was wrong in the world. But fall turned into winter these days and the brisk air rustling through Stars Hollow's old majestic trees made her shiver.

She felt like she was getting a sore throat and her headache did nothing to make her walk home any easier. Usually she enjoyed these walks. On some days she left the Jeep at home and while walking home after work, she took the time to take in all of the beauty of nature this time of the year had to offer. Stars Hollow in fall was magical. Twinkle lights, festivals, boots, hats, coats, happy times at home, snuggled up in a cozy blanket, enjoying junk food and old movies.

Lorelai sighed and hurried some more to get home and into a nice hot, soothing bubble bath.

She remembered the first night she was able to convince a protesting, eye-rolling Luke to join her in the hot, but pleasant water, all lathered up in peach vanilla foam. She made him a foam beard and something that, in her crazy head, was supposed to be a backwards baseball foam cap. They kissed and laughed, embraced in each others warmth, until the water had gotten cold. Life was good. They were happy.

All of a sudden she wondered if Christopher would be home. He wasn't around much these days. Or in general. They tried to look at other places, but truth be told, Lorelai just didn't want to leave Stars Hollow or even just move out of her house. The house that Luke and her had remodeled for months to grow some plants and a family in. She smiled at the memory. The Twickham house would have been the only other house she could have ever imagined herself living in, besides her own house, the home she had created for Rory and herself throughout the years. The house, that Luke single-handedly kept from falling apart more times than she could count. The house, that was so big and so cold now. Ruined by a Plasma TV and smearings of a bratty four year old on the old wooden floor. Her house wasn't her home anymore. Not without Luke living in it.

'It's like, it's not even real to me, it's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there and you're in it and I'm sharing it with you.'

Tears threatened their way up. Of course all these old feelings were only brought up again because Luke popped up in her life a lot more since he had asked for help when April was sick. It was only because of that. They would pass. Or wouldn't they?

We are over. I needed it to be over. Lorelai still hated herself for what she had done. And as badly as Luke had treated her the months before their break up, what she did to him was so much worse. It was the shittiest thing she had ever done to anyone. And she did it to Luke of all people. As much as he had hurt her before, he didn't deserve it. She had broken his trust. She had broken him, and both of their hearts. She kept kicking herself for not talking to him, when it mattered the most. All she ever did was talk, and usually she was good at it. But being her hurt and stubborn, and sometimes a little selfish self, she decided it had to be over. So she did the one thing she knew Luke would probably never forgive her.

'It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just, we're not right together, you know? You're you, I'm me. I just… want to stop pretending we're something else. You don't belong with me. You belong with someone like Christopher. and I just... let's just stop fighting it, okay? And you go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee.'

One hot tear finally spilled over as she was regretting all over again what she had done to him, to them, the night she went to Christopher.

When she felt that stream of tears get dry and cold in the chilly, early evening air, she used the back of her right hand to wipe them away, while her left hand still burned a hole into the pocket of her coat.

Lorelai took a deep breath and tried to focus on what to do next.

She wasn't in the mood for talking, or seeing Christopher just yet, so she started walking slower again.

But even in that steady pace her heels were hitting the rough old pavement hard and made her headache increase by the second.

The fall sun was now fully set and it was getting colder instantly, as she passed by the well known old brick walls to her left. Something inside her made her slow down even more. When she knew she had reached the old heavy iron portal, she lifted her head, took a deep breath and stopped moving entirely.

You don't come here anymore, remember?