Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
By Nadja Lee 10/26/02
English is not my
native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century
Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I
make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the
author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without
permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the X-men movie.
Universe: Movie. ONLY movie!
Romance: Now that would be telling...
Summary: Logan, Rogue, Jean, Scott and Ororo talk about how the others hurt
them and wonder why and if it's on purpose.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Sequel/series: Part of "Thoughts" which includes "Tears On My Cheeks", "The
Charm Of A Woman" and "Who Needs You Anyway?". This series doesn't have a
continuing plotline but are stories written with the same flow and style. You
therefore do not need to read the earlier stories, as they have nothing
plotwise to do with this one.
Thanks to Estelle for beta.
* * *
I've never let anyone come close enough to know me…to hurt me. If I didn't care for them they could never hurt me nor let me down. I was safe that way.
But I'm not safe anymore. I don't know how but she has managed to get under my skin. I try to tell myself I don't care but I do. I can't allow myself to analyse what I feel for her because I fear my heart already knows the answer. I can't let her have this power over me. She could bring me down, she could destroy me…. she could hurt me worse than anyone I can remember.
How did this happen? How did I let it happen? I'm no one's saviour and no one's hero…yet I've become hers and…and I find I like that. I like protecting her, taking care of her…. and that scares me because I wonder…how far would I go to protect her? All the way? All the way…
I can't allow this. No one can hold such power over me; no one. Yet I wonder….would she ever really want to hurt me and even if she did…wouldn't the pleasure be worth the pain?
I need time to figure it all out. I'm not ready to let another hold such power in their hands….not yet. I need…..I don't know what I need….yes, I do know….I need her…..and that's what hurts me.
I want…I need……don't hurt me…don't betray my trust……don't hurt me…..
~Logan
Why did he leave? Why did he leave me? Doesn't he care? Was it all a game; a cruel game with my heart?
He saved me; he almost gave his life for me…now I see that he can take it all back again. Now I see what power he holds over me because I'm lost without him.
This pain within, this emptiness in my heart….only his return can ever ease my agony….please; don't say it was all just…pretend. Don't say I have been dreaming and it's time to wake up. Someone please tell me that sometimes a girl can find Prince Charming…even if he in my case is a mutated Prince….
Was it all a dream? Am I kidding myself? Doesn't he feel what I feel? Did he leave because of me?
Did he really want to hurt me? No, I can't…I won't believe that….let me dream just a little bit longer…
I wish to keep dreaming….let me dream…let me dream….
~Rogue
Why? You never touch me; you never show any affection…you're closed off. I can't seem to reach you anymore. Where did we go wrong and can we ever make it right again?
He arrived when I needed it…he was there, he wanted me, he was direct…..I never had to guess his motives, I never had to play any games. I needed him then and he was there.
I did what I did….I can't change that. The problem isn't him…it's…I just felt so alone and you seemed so distant….I needed someone to want me, to need me…to desire me. I just wanted someone to want me.
Can't you see how your control strangles me? Can't you see how it hurts me? I want you to lose control with me occasionally. I want you to tell me things, to touch me in public…I want those things!
Don't you care? Can't you understand that I do what I do to get your attention? To get you to notice me? To get you to understand? Can't you see this is a plea for help and I want you to be the one to help me up again?
Can't you see how I've fallen from grace? Can't you tell?
Come back to me….help me up again….please…..do you really want to hurt me? I don't know anymore but if you don't then please…….help me up….help me rise again.
~Jean
Don't do this. You pain me, you torment me…you drive me to the borderline of anger, desire and madness. Stop this game…. can't we ever just talk about it like we used to?
You must know how it pains me to see you with others…especially him. The more you flirted with him, the more I disliked him and the more you flirted…. it's a never ending circle of pain that only we can break.
Can't you understand that I'm scared of your rejection? Can't you understand that not everyone holds out his heart in his hands for anyone to take…or step on? Can't you see that for some that is a really big risk?
You do hold my heart and you always will but can't you see how my heart lies bleeding in your hands? Can't you see me standing here behind you…longing and wondering?
I know what you do; I know you do this to torment me…..but why should I be the one to reach out? What guaranties do I have? You held my heart…and you stepped on it. If I should reach out now and you let me go…I'll fall and I'll burn…don't burn me…don't burn me…
Once when things were new we talked about everything and it was happy times. Then somehow things changed. I got suspicious, you began to add fuel to my fire, my anger towards what you did made me cold and my coldness only drove you further away. It's a circle of pain…. such bittersweet agony…..The question is not if we can break it but if we dare?
So…do we dare? The question that needs answering first is…do you really want to hurt me? Once I was sure you didn't….now I think you might and that is what holds me back because I fear…I fear you'll burn me.
Don't burn me…don't burn me….I might never recover…don't burn me…
~Scott
Why don't you see me standing here? Can't you tell how your friendly smiles and touches drive me to the edge? Can't you understand that I want more than that?
Working with you so closely and knowing you see me only as a friend…do you have any idea how that feels? Do you have any idea how much that torments me?
Whenever you smile at me or compliment me my heart finds a million reasons to why you'll do or say that…all involving that you truly love me. Then you leave me, forget me…and I'm left in agony and wonder why I even bother dreaming….yet one smile and I've forgotten all my rules of caution.
I should tell you how I feel and get a clear answer once and for one…at least it'll stop my agonizing wondering. But I dare not. What if your answer is no? Then I'll have nothing left; not even dreams.
It's a gamble…do I dare? Do I have the strength to move on if your answer is no? Yet do I have the strength to keep living like this?
The question is do you really want to hurt me? I know you don't…. but you can't force feelings so even though I know you'll hate to hurt me….you'll never lie to me.
Dare I ask? So many times I've played out such a conversation in my mind but in reality I've never gotten any further than saying your name before I've regretted my sudden courage and covered it up with a work related question.
How can saying words in a certain pattern be so difficult? So agonizing to even think of? Do I dare ask? Do I? If only….I wish…I hope….
Please….lie to me……lie to me….
~Ororo
The End