Title: Positive

Location: 1360 Blue Island Ave, Chicago 60608

Date and Time: 10/31/18 1:55 am

P.O.V: Sylvie Brett

Pregnant … No...I can't be, there's no way, just breathe Brett, it's easy in on 3, out on 1, relax. I'm going to be okay, no matter what I have options don't I? Pain ricochets from the base of my skull to my eyes, down my checks across my jaw traveling to my shoulders, stomach, legs. It leaves no part untouched. Every time I try to swallow my stomach rises fast, making breathing hard.

How can this be happening? Antonio, I are always careful, I'm on the pill, he always wears a condom, so how can this be happening to me? My head is spinning like crazy, I feel feverish. He is going to freak out he's made it clear he didn't want anymore kids, he has two kids already, Eva 16 and Diego 14. He's married to his job he's a detective in the Chicago Pd Intelligence unit, he barely has time for the kids he has. He even confessed to me last week, he's glad he had them young because their almost grown, once their out of the house, he can spend more time doing undercover ops.

Gentle strokes of my palm across my stomach hoping it settles down before our next call since sleep didn't seem to be happening again, it's been weeks. I haven't been able to get more than two or three hours each week. Maybe some ginger-ale or tea would help. Why was I shivering and feeling cold when I could tell I had a fever?

Getting up I headed to the kitchen my shoulders ached as badly as my head, maybe I needed to talk to Antonio this wasn't going to go away. "Sylvie what's happening?" Gabriela Dawson's voice startled me as I came into the common room I thought everyone was asleep.

"What's wrong Sylvie?" She handed me a cup of steaming tea god I really am freezing, what's wrong with me?

Being cold isn't a sign of pregnancy normally, I love tea usually right now though I felt an overwhelming urge to throw up. I knew I couldn't swallow it not without vomiting, still the warmth against my hands soothed me. Gabby stared at me her gaze penetrated through my face, her fingers touching my arm, "Talk to me baby girl you've been distracted all week, I've heard you getting sick at least three times per shift all week, you're barely sleeping, you look exhausted," Her cold hand touched my left cheek sending shivers down my warm face her eyes searched mine for clues.

"I'm scared Gabby" the words caught in my throat closing my eyes, I concentrated on breathing not easy when my chest felt so tight, restricted in fear, confusion, pain. "Scared of what my love? Talk to me. Sylvie nothing can be this horrible."

"I'm pregnant Gabby, I don't know how to tell Antonio." Her eyes widened her mouth dropped open, left hand flying over her mouth gasping in shock. "Oh my god Sylvie come here sweetheart!" Instantly her arms wrapped around my shivering body pulling me tightly.

"Are you sure?" Nodding I closed my eyes taking in her warmth, love, protection as the tears started to fall fast, fierce. Slow comforting motions across my back calmed me down despite my dizziness. "Positive, I took the home test two weeks ago, I finally got the courage to get a doctors test Monday, I'm almost 11 weeks, I don't want to believe it Dawson. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do." Dawson rubbed my back soothingly speaking softly "Take a deep breath Sylvie, talk to me,"

"Are you sure you want to hear this?" She nodded biting my lip I let out a deep sigh she gently gripped my elbow leading me to the couch where Mouch was sitting half asleep "When I was pregnant last time, I hated it, I'm sorry I know this sounds fucked up. I don't regret carrying Brent he's a beautiful, fun, sweet, awesome boy, but I hated it, I felt sick the entire time, I couldn't do the job I loved, I felt like I was being degraded, I never wanted kids Gabby, I couldn't get excited when I was carrying him." "Sweetie we talked about this, you weren't pregnant with your child, you were carrying him for Matt, I maybe you detached yourself knowing that he wasn't yours," Shaking my head I laid my upper half of my body in her arms, her gentle hands stroked my hair and face. "Sylvie sweetie have I told you how grateful I am for you? You gave me thee most precious gift anybody could ever give a women" "Yes Gabby you have everyday for the last five and a half years,"

"God five years, Brett I can't believe he'll be six years old soon." "Time flies Gabby," Her arms wrap around my trembling body, even closing my eyes does very little to stop the damn spinning or rising nausea. "Have I told you today sweetie?" "No not today." "In that case my little blond atomic ambrosial, thank you, thank you so much, I can never repay you for what you did." Her hands rested on my stomach ever so lovingly running small circles around it, which strangely helped settle my nausea. I feel her lips on my check I can smell her vanilla body lotion, sleep is making my eyelids heavy.

Her touch comforts me, there is a joy in her voice, it practically makes the darkened stiff room bounce with enthusiasm, love. It's only when she talks about her kids that I hear this exuberance, spark, it's how moms are suppose to feel about their children prideful, admiration, hope, their emotions truly inspire songs, dances, poems. It's how my mom felt about my brothers and I.

"Brent is perfection smart, talented, he has a heart of gold." Gabriela's eyes dance in a light of pulchritudinous marvel. Her lips gaze my ear as she whispers to me "Just think hon in five years this could be you talking about your bundle of joy." Closing my eyes I tried to find some resemblance of joy as she was radiating, I couldn't all I felt was dread, sliding my hand under hers I feel her squeeze mine lightly. "Can I ask you something Gabby?" "Sure mama"

"When did you know you wanted to be a mom?" She paused sipping her coffee "I guess forever." She laughed almost spitting out her coffee "Mom use to say I would take my dolls with me everywhere she couldn't even wash them."

"I would sleep with them rock them feed them, arrange play dates between them, I baby sat all my cousins and we have a lot of them, after Tony had kids I'd baby sit them Laura use to say I was so good with them, I was a natural mom." "I admired my mom who worked two jobs and raised us without ever complaining." "I guess it came down to this Sylvie growing up my dad raised me to believe a women's job was to be educated, be fierce, get a good job, find a husband, have kids,"

"When the doctors told me I couldn't have kids seven years ago. I felt like I was being ripped open raw, I felt like I wasn't a real women." Tears came to her eyes looking up I could see the pain shining so brightly it burned even my soul. "Gabby that doesn't make you any less of a women," "I know that now sweetheart, it took a long time though." "Gabs will you think of me any less of a women if I tell you something?" "What is it Sylvie?"

"I uh...god this is so hard to say out loud but it's how I feel, I've tried to deny it, I can't though hearing you express your love, excitement. It just it makes it so much clearer that I don't want kids, I never want to be stuck at home cooking, cleaning, sewing. I don't ever want to hear when's dinner ma'?" I feel physically ill thinking about being stuck with the responsibility of another living being, I want to get an abortion, how do you and Antonio feel about abortion? I know your both heavily Catholic,"

She couldn't answer me she just stared open mouthed before she could reply the alarm sounded. "Ambo's 61, 62, Engine 51, Squad 3, Truck 81 1655 south main bar fire." her silence gave me my answer sending waves of fear, nausea crashing through my body. If this is how my best friend/ partner reacted, how would Antonio who's temper was less controlled than hers react? Would he blame me, hate me, reject me?