Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, I just own an unhealthy devotion to France (as a nation) and its history. English is not my native language, any constructive criticism is appreciated

Warnings: off-screen shota. Nothing graphic, still I'm deeply ashamed of what I wrote

A/N: World Twinkle made me aware of a national pride I wasn't even aware of having. After such a traumatic experience, I needed crack. Tons of it. And I also needed to molest France (as a character), since we love our dear cousin (as a country)

"Germany! Germany! Please, help mee!" Italy's yells echoed loud and clear inside the hallway where Germany and Japan were still talking about the world meeting that had finished just few hours ago. "Please! England and Big Brother France are particularly scary!"

"Now now, Italy" Germany was quick reassuring the Romance nation. "I think you are worrying about the wrong people"

"Germany is right, Italy" Japan took his chance to point out, visibly disheartened. "At this point, I would be worrying only if they weren't at one another's throats"

"You don't understand!" Italy countered, switching his attention intermittently from Germany to Japan in order to be certain to show them properly his distress. "I'm really worried this time for F-"

Italy stopped midsentence, simply unable to complete the phrase.

"Worried for F-" He tried again to no avail.

The well-meaning nation then collapsed dramatically on the floor, admitting his defeat. A bluish aura of disgrace was hovering heavy over his shaking frame as he sniffled pitifully.

"Please, don't make me say this" Italy eventually implored his friends.

"It's not really bad admitting that you are worried for France" Japan said disconcertedly, completely unaware of Germany's attempts to suggest him not to say such universal truth aloud.

The reason of Germany's worry came in the form of South Italy's cry of distress. Despite being into a whole different area of the conference building, he had apparently perceived Japan saying those prohibited words and he was rapidly approaching them as fast as he could.

"Say that again, if you dare!" South Italy yelled at Japan, as soon as he had reached the former Axis.

A listless North Italy, however, attempted to hover back to his feet to pat Romano on the shoulder sympathetically and save the completely shocked Asian nation.

"It's my fault, brother" Italy admitted meekly. "I was asking them to help me stopping Big Brother France's quarrel with England, and he obviously assumed that we care"

"Why would you bother with them anyway?" South Italy asked puzzled, turning to focus on his younger brother. "When they will kill one another, all the better"

"W-when?" Both Germany and Japan asked in unison, both upset by South Italy's plain assumption of an inevitable violent finale for the two European frenemies.

"But I don't want them to kill one another, not for real at least!" Italy countered, blushing red for the shame of admitting to his brother that he didn't want France dead as much as Romano did.

South Italy just sighed at his brother's behaviour and patted him lightly on his head.

"I could help too, you know?" South Italy offered hesitantly, crossing his arms proudly on his chest and looking at everything that wasn't his brother not to make his embarrassment too obvious.

"Really? Thank you, brother!" Italy shouted, his voice and expression finally full of happiness as he smiled widely to Romano.

"Let's go then, before I change my mind" South Italy concluded hastily, leading the way to the meeting room with determination as he plainly ignored the still amused Germany and Japan

"I'm coming too!" Japan announced as he noticed the two brothers leave, unwilling to leave the two Italian brothers alone with France and England attempting to kill one another.

Despite his personal opinion on the matter, seeing who was going to be the self-appointed rescue party, also Germany decided to join, in a vain hope that his presence could at least lessen the damages.

What met the four nations' eyes as soon as they entered the meeting room where they had left their two friends alone only a quarter of an hour before was actually a World War scenery, so devastating that also Germany and Japan had to admit that Italy had been right to come searching for help.

The flags of the two quarrelling nations had been stripped from the walls where they had been hanged before the meeting and turned into stripes and confetti. There were slash marks on the table and on the decorative columns, proofs of a sword fight that had ended up with both weapons pinned up to the ceiling. Glass shreds coming from the shattered light bulbs of the chandelier littered the floor, and bullet holes had now appeared on the once perfectly polished wooden walls.

Most noticeably, however, England had taken out his book of spells.

The two nations themselves were rolling on the floor in a vain attempt to strangle one another even though, apparently, what France was actually doing was preventing England to curse him. Proof was a pentacle that kept appearing and disappearing on the flat surfaces of the room, switching locations in accordance to the words that England was actually managing to mutter.

"Oi! What the hell are you trying to do? Curse us all?" South Italy screamed at England, not waiting for any sign of acknowledgement from the two fighting nations before walking towards them.

"It's none of your business!" France yelled back at the younger nation as his hand slipped from England's mouth and he had to be quick replacing it with his other free one.

"This is the last time you mock me" England managed to mutter in the meanwhile, his words partially muffled before the end by France's hand.

In the background, the former Axis could only stare petrified at the scene. Germany was quickly reviewing all his options inside his mind, but all the others could do was stare mouth gaping in shock at the devastation and highly worrying for the possible outcome of the situation.

The only one who physically decided to act and attempt to butt into the catfight was South Italy, who took his chance to punch both France and England straight on their noses, hoping that this way they had actually something else to be bothered about than their petty quarrelling.

As he faced the results, however, South Italy didn't know if he felt more unnerved or glad by the outcome of his rushed decision.

The two nations sure enough had barely acknowledged his intervention, glared at one another and resumed fighting as if they hadn't been disturbed at all. Romano realised that he was glad not having to flee the fight with the two stronger nations, but on the other hand, if violence didn't distract them, he really didn't know what to do.

He thought about giving up – after all, dealing with them had always been just a bother and Spain wasn't around to help him in case of necessity – but, after a quick glance to his still worried brother, he decided to try his own very last secret weapon. If this didn't shock them out of their fighting, nothing would.

"Oi, c'mon" South Italy tried again to get their attention, this time attempting to sound the most understanding he could manage. "I do quarrel with my brother too, but we do honestly care for one another, you know that fuckers? You can't really be much different considering you've been at one another's tails since forever"

"How dare you!?" France yelled back at him, finally giving his full attention to South Italy. "Don't you even dare to suggest that I care for this caterpillar eyed barbarian!"

"Santra ba dra winza na, wonpa to rana intrakantera. Santra ba dra winza na" England took his chance to chant properly, though.

"Merde!" France screamed in panic, focusing once again on his dearest enemy to shut him up once and for all.

He threw himself at England, making him fall again on his back so that a few words of the chant went unheard. France's hand was then back on his mouth but it slipped once more, changing the pronunciation and the tone of the curse.

Eventually, the ever-moving pentacle set under the former Axis and, much to the shock of the others, the three nations disappeared into thin air.

After few seconds of panicked silence, the whole building echoed with England's swearing, and France and South Italy's cries for their fellow brother.

The place where Italy, Japan and Germany reappeared was the very beginning of a wild forest. Over the first few rows of trees on their left, they could see an immense field of tall green grass and just bloomed flowers. The air around them felt fresh and void of any kind of pollution, bringing to them only the musky scent of the deeper forest and the delicate fragrance of the nearby flowers.

It certainly looked like a small and uncontaminated paradise.

They didn't really know what to do and where they were, but they could hear the sound of children playing and laughing not far from there, so at least they were going to have someone they could ask to. If those kids managed to also give them direction for one of China's restaurants, all the better.

"Let's ask the children to join, they seem to have fun!" Italy proposed, longing to run amidst the meadows and play with new people. At least that small digression would make him forget for a while that they were stranded and that England would have probably killed France by now. His poor annoying older cousin.

"There's no time to play, Italy!" Germany reprimanded him hastily, though. "We need to concentrate and find a way to go back home. We don't even know where or when we are!"

"We could ask information to that child running towards us" Japan proposed, pointing with his index finger towards a kid that appeared no older than nine years old with blond unruly hair. He was wearing a green cape and a very simple brown tunic.

The child, who appeared to be rushing to escape the further he could from the meadows at first, stopped as soon as he entered the forest, hiding behind one of the first tree there. After a rapid check of the situation behind him, he allowed himself to smile happily at some thoughts that apparently had just crossed his mind as a heavy blush appeared on his plump cheeks.

As he noticed the three people standing in front of him, however, his expression changed drastically. His green eyes turned cold and suspicious, his thick eyebrows furrowed in annoyance and his lips pursed into a plain grimace.

Somehow, that expression on that childish face was quite more familiar.

"Who are you and what do you want in my country?" The child asked suspiciously.

Before Germany and Japan could even think about a discreet answer to give to the kid, Italy moved forward, offering him a happy and kind big smile along with his hand to shake.

"Are you a nation too!? That's wonderful!" Italy told him merrily, making the child wince at his straightforwardness. "We got lost, could you tell us who are you? This way we might know which way home is... If we are lucky, that is"

The child attempted to take a few steps behind to put some distance between him and Italy's offered hand, but met the hard trunk of the tree, so he could just begin stuttering in panic, not really knowing how to answer and deal with Italy's approach.

"I-I'm England" He greeted embarrassedly in the end, freezing everyone else on the spot with his words.

Child England looked up at them puzzled by their reaction, but had no time to question them about it that another young cheerful voice came from the meadows.

"Englaaaand? Come out and play with me! Why are you always like this when I come visiting?" The voice asked, sounding quite far away. "I reallybrought you that present you asked for, you can't say I don't like you noooow!"

England blushed heavily scarlet as he turned behind himself to catch a glimpse of his friend, who was weaving his hand at him from afar. He clutched his tunic right above his heart, apparently to quell it down, and shifted his weight from a foot to the other nervously, obviously both wanting and not wanting to go.

"Isn't your friend waiting for you?" Italy asked curiously, earning England's panicked stare on him. "Don't make them wait! We can join you, if you wish not to meet them alone"

Italy's kind offer was received with even more embarrassment by the child nation, who possibly turned even redder.

"W-who would need help to deal with that idiot!" He answered Italy loudly, only to stomp back the way he had come with proud determination.

As soon as he was once again back to the field, his friend noticed England and began running towards him. The comfortable long light blue dress the other child was wearing floated around the slim figure, and a short dark blue mantle weaved lightly over the strong shoulders, its darker colour contrasting deeply with the blond wavy hair moving gently in the wind.

"Englaaand!" The newcomer called out happily, jumping on the smaller child to hold him tightly as soon as they were near enough. "At times like these you look so cute that I want to break you!"

The former Axis allies apparently were the only ones who rose a shocked eyebrow at the older kid's words, since England just muttered something incomprehensible in embarrassment as he allowed his friend to hug and cuddle him adoringly.

"Didn't you say you had a present for me?" England asked eventually, apparently subdued by all that unexpected fondness.

"Of course, my England!" His friend answered happily, freeing him only enough that he could take something from the folds of the plain dress. "I never break my promises you know?"

After those reassuring words, the older child presented England with a beautiful and perfect red rose.

"For you, it's an early bloom"

"Who would give flowers as a gift to someone?" England protested in embarrassment and fake reproach, even though he gladly accepted the rose and stared at it with eyes full of a whole world of different emotions.

"And when you say things like these you certainly are not cute at all, England" His friend reprimanded him merrily. "Just accept it, will you? I'll bring you more anyway; it's your flower after all"

"You don't really need to…"

"Uhm?" The older child wondered, studying his friend attentively before resuming a more serious and caring expression as he patted him on his head reassuringly. "I will keep doing it anyway, because England is too cute even when he isn't. I had no time to cook anything today, but I'll bring also some new type of bread I'm testing later on. Would you like that better than the roses?"

"I didn't count on receiving food from you! I can deal with myself!" England rushed to yell, panicking in earnest at the proposition.

"But you like what I bring, don't you?" The older child pointed out, showing him a pout to make him just accept. "Besides, eating something different is fun"

England just stared back at his companion unsurely, receiving as an answer a big and adoring smile. Despite the elegant composure showed in front of England, also the other child couldn't help blushing slightly in a way not much different from his friend.

The former Axis allies, in the meanwhile, were staring at the scene with increasingly different levels of realization.

"Is that girl…" Japan offered after a while, not actually managing to finish his statement because of the absurdity and weirdness of the possibility.

"Definitively" Germany confirmed nonetheless. "She must be his girlfriend"

"She, you say?" Italy asked curiously, still staring deep in concentration at the couple of kids. "Actually, I'm certain to know the other child. I just can't place him at the moment"

"Him? Italy, c'mon, it's obviously his girlfriend" Germany cut short, whilst Japan stared with more attention at the couple of children cuddling in the grass to value Italy's proposition properly.

"The other child feels familiar also to me, however" Japan wondered aloud. "And if we're talking about another nation, we are honestly mostly males"

"I refuse to think that child is a boy, and a nation we know worse than that." Germany declared with firmness.

"Well, what about Poland, then?" Italy suggested, rising a dubious eyebrow to his friend.

"Italy, that's back in the present, who knows when is here. We might be even before Christ, considering England's age!"

"I don't see grandfather around" Italy noticed, looking around himself for good measure and distracting himself from what he wanted to discuss with Germany doing so. "Still you're right, it could be before as well as after. England was quite isolated at the time"

Germany attempted to ignore the cold shivers he felt remembering that time he had actually met the Roman Empire since, remembering the weirdness of the grandfather, was making Germany acutely aware that Italy was indeed making sense. Still, they had no proof that the other child was a Romance nation to begin with, so he would just ignore it for his own well-being.

Ultimately, he decided to walk towards the children and clear the situation once and for all.

"Hey, wait, Germany!" Italy and Japan cried out, seeing their friend leaving the forest, and quickly followed him, quite worried that something bad might happen if they ended up separated.

Italy, moreover, hoped that a better glance to England's friend could help him to finally solve the riddle of his identity. It held no real meaning for him, but it looked like something fun to do and, besides, knowing whom England was hanging with could help them understand when they were. That was something that would certainly help them and, most importantly, make some of Germany's wrinkles go away.

Nevertheless, when the former Axis allies came in the sight of the two younger nations, the older kid tightened his arms possessively around England and glared at them like a mother protecting her children.

"Who are you?" The irate child asked resolutely at the same time as England just offered an uninterested "Oh. You again, I forgot about you"

England's words were welcomed by his friend's shocked and deeply hurt stare.

"You met them before?" The older child asked, blue eyes watering and lower lip trembling in a dramatic effect.

The scene just turned more melodramatic when England just innocently nodded.

"When was it?" His friend yelled desperately. "Where?"

"Before, when I ran inside the forest" England explained sincerely, pointing in the direction the former Axis had come from. "They are nations like us, stop yelling! They are lost and just wanted to know where they were"

Despite his reassuring words, his friend began throwing a desperate tantrum, hugging England so tightly that he could feel his ribs already hurting.

"I don't believe it! I don't like it!" The older child began crying so loudly that Germany, Italy and Japan feared they would become deaf if it kept going. "England is mine, only mine!"

"Oi! Calm down, you idiot!"

As the former Axis stared at the scene of England attempting to calm down his friend, both Germany and Japan concluded that it really had to be England's girlfriend, whilst Italy finally started to remember who the other child could be. He could recognize that possessive tantrum everywhere, having been on the receiving end of it countless times.

Eventually, England's friend stopped crying to stare back at the former Axis properly, probably to assess their eventual harmlessness. Doing so, however, the child's blue eyes stopped curiously on Italy, who could only stare back at him in some sort of double recognition.

"Do I know you?" The child asked calmly despite appearing quite confused, the high yells and river of tears from before now tuned down to a weak sniffling.

"Now, who is the one betraying the other!? I knew you had someone on the continent!" England bit back hearing his words, blushing heavily as he glared at his friend and took a firm hold of the older child nation's collar. "You're a bloody liar!"

All that anger, however, earned England only a sweet smile from his companion.

"Oi oi, England, are you jealous?" His friend chided merrily, visibly happy to see England's violent reaction. "You're so cute, but you don't have to fret. He just looks like my cousin"

Those last words hit Italy's straight through his chest and he fell dramatically lifeless on the green grass, as the final doubts he had about the kid's identity dissipated definitively.

After a while of cuddling and calling England cute – for once- his friend allowed him to stand up, so that he could place himself between the island nation and the former Axis, looking haughtily up to them, apparently energized by England's fit of jealousy.

"You need to go now, however" The child announced with a confident grin, wiggled a gracious hand at them to gesture them to go away. "England is only mine, so shoo! Go back to your own place or you will have to deal with me"

Germany crooked his eyebrow at the child's quick dismissal and at the arrogant words and gestures, despite attempting to ignore his growing irritation against who he had appointed in his mind as Cinderella's evil sister.

"We don't really plan to stay" He offered with a forced smile that was supposed to be friendly. "Who are you, anyway? The only one that can tell us off technically is England"

The girlish child just laughed impishly at Germany's words, moving affectedly a well-manicured hand in front of the grinning mouth. Somehow, despite the dramatic scene, the air around him seemed to turn into a delicate pink and yellow shade that contrasted deeply with the depressed darker blue one currently surrounding their depressed Italy.

"I'm France, obviously, the most charming of the Roman Empire's family" France greeted, smirking daringly as he did a gracious pirouette to make show of his assets. "Don't you see my nice haircut and the fashionable style of my dress? Who would even rival my beauty?"

"Vee…" Italy sighed miserably, shouldering the last confirmation to his fears with the resignation only a younger member of the family could have for his flashy cousin.

"He- He really is…?" Japan asked Italy, receiving only a tired nod from the Romance nation.

"There's no way you are France" Germany snapped instead with determination, making France to stop acting and stare self-consciously back at him.

"What would that mean?" He asked uneasily, retreating closer to England as his delicate hand grasped nervously his tunic. "Who else would have these attractive looks? Who else would play with England!?"

"I can't imagine you as one of the grandsons of the famous Roman Empire!" Germany screamed back at France, his right temple now ready to burst in exasperation considering how much he felt aggravated by the child's arrogance. "Someone like him would never allow France to wear such a girlish dress and parade himself as a bully girl"

France's eyes grew larger hearing his words and his lower lips started to tremble in shame. England, who had been staring at the whole scene with the attention of someone overly used to his friend's drama, tentatively took a few steps towards France, tugging on his dress to get his attention back at him but to no avail.

"My clothes are the latest fashion, what would someone dressed as badly as you know about it!" France yelled at Germany, his voice trembling despite his attempts to stay cool. "And I'm not a bully; we just like to tease one another!"

"Well, now" Both Italy and Japan whispered softly to themselves, looking away from France, who still managed to hear them and became even more upset hearing their words.

"I like England!" The child nation protested with all the strength he had left in himself.

Italy and Japan froze seeing France's distressed expression and both took a step closer to him, hoping to have the chance to give their reassurances to the child. After all, Italy knew all the tricks to make France happy once again and he had never stopped himself from using them when needed, even when they were at war with one another. And so did France for him.

Germany, however, managed to anticipate their attempt at reconciliation in a way that conciliatory certainly wasn't.

"Latest girl's fashion, probably! And look at that ribbon on your hair!" He added, pointing to the blue ribbon tightening the upper part of France's hair, too unnerved by his arrogant parade to remember that he was actually dealing with a child and not with the proud nation he knew. "No way you're France, girlish as he is, at least he has always been obviously male!"

France, in front of Germany's shocked stare, began hiccupping as his eyes started watering. Before anyone could do anything to stop it, warm tears flooded from his big blue eyes and he started crying in earnest.

Germany freaked out and fretted at the scene, as he wondered how the hell he could calm the screaming child and why the hell he hadn't shut his fucking mouth.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you cry!" Germany stuttered in panic. "Your dress is beautiful, very masculine!"

France just cried more and knelt down on the grass, his long dress creating a light blue disc around him. Seeing his growing distress, both Italy and Japan took their chance to point out to Germany how he really had no tact dealing with children and France in particular.

The German nation, acknowledging that he had been a bit too harsh, tried then to place a comforting hand on France's shoulder, only to see England putting himself between him and France, his arms wide open and his glare fixed on Germany.

"Go away and leave him be!" England yelled angrily, his face as red as the red rose he was still holding tight in his hand. "How do you dare to insult France!"

Those words were enough to shock the former Axis dead on the spot, but also France seemed quite surprised by the news, since he eventually stopped his desperate cry to just stare back in awe at his friend.

"England?" He wondered, still sniffling.

"I'm the only one who can insult the idiot, get it in that thick skull of yours!" England yelled, still staring resolutely at Germany. "And no matter if he is dressed like a girl, he still looks damn good and like a man to me. You must be related to frigging Holy Roman Empire if you can't distinguish a girlish boy from a bloody girl!"

Italy felt caught into question without any apparent reason, but he had no time to ask any useful information about what England had yelled at Germany that France tugged his friend's cape to get his attention back on him.

"Thank you, England" France told him, offering England a wide smile even though warm tears still kept running down his cheeks. "It's the first time you actually complimented me"

"Y-You don't need to thank me" England said to France, turning towards him even when his eyes kept staring to his own feet in deep embarrassment. "Y-You really are beautiful… Just the way you are, flowing dresses and all"

"If you keep saying those things, I'm never going to stop crying" France pointed out, chuckling at him as he blew his running nose with a white handkerchief full or frills. "You will own me a kiss, if you keep doing this"

England stared back at France deeply in thoughts, as his friend waited for some kind of reaction from him. His blue irises shone even more like sapphires, because of the tears and the redness around his eyes, making England's mind even more unable to work properly than it already did whenever France was involved.

Deciding to take courage with both hands, eventually England close with determination the few steps between him and France, and placed a chaste kiss on his friend's lips.

They tasted wet and salty from his tears, but their softness and warmth still made England's heart skip a beat. Despite the heart racing in his chest and telling him to never break it, England eventually ended the kiss.

"Now I don't anymore, do I?" He announced to his friend embarrassedly, staring back into his shocked eyes with determination.

France blushed deeply as he lowered his eyes to stare unfocused at his own hand reaching tentatively his lips.

"That… was my first kiss" He whispered in shock, earning all the bystanders eyes on him, now simply petrified by the news.

"M-mine too" England confessed meekly, traumatizing the whole former Axis even further. "Was it that bad?"

France seemed to regain a bit of self-confidence at his friend's admission, and shook his head energetically before smiling widely at England.

"It was really sweet" He admitted, looking bashfully at him from under his long eyelashes.

England blushed deeply himself even when answering France's teasing by licking his own drying lips.

"Can I do it once more?" England asked all but timidly, already attempting to climb the taller nation to reach his lips with more ease.

"Can't get enough of your beautiful France now that you tasted him, can you?" France attempted to flirt, but his face clearly showed his complete discomfort and embarrassment at the new situation, both at the words he was saying to tease England and at the prospect of another kiss.

England, however, plainly ignored his joke and kissed him once again, his hands entangling soon into France's hair as he deepened the kiss, much to France's surprise. The older child nation's eyes shot open in panic and then he blushed even deeper as he let England do what he wanted with him, tightening his arms around his waist to keep him in place.

When allowing England to do what he wanted turned out to be allowing him to push France back on the tall grass as he laid over him, the former Axis found enough willpower to flee the meadows and hide behind some trees in the nearby forest, in order not to see the completely wrong scene playing out in front of their eyes. Understandably, Germany had dragged Italy away using plain force, since he still couldn't move a finger because of the heavy shock.

"I can't believe England stole France's first kiss" Japan managed to say eventually, upset more because of who they were talking about that for the notion per se.

"Would you really call that stolen?" Germany asked seriously.

"I didn't want to know this…" Italy whined instead, curled into a foetal position and trembling at the roots of the tree behind which he was hiding. "It's like knowing that your parents were having sex…"

"Italy…" Germany offered, attempting to sound kind and reassuring despite his own shock. "You can't tell me you thought France didn't have sex…"

"But not that one!" Italy pointed out, turning his voice into a panicked shriek. "He was something like a mother to us at the time! He was nice and kind and he always worried for us… Only when he got older and I came back from my trip with grandfather he started bullying us in earnest!"

"Do you think…" Japan proposed quietly to Germany. "That France began bullying Italy after he saw the positive results he got bullying England?"

"A child mind could conceive it, especially if someone he cared about had been away for quite some time and he fears to be abandoned again" Germany approved professionally, agreeing with Japan's analysis.

"Big brother never wanted to sexually harass me, though" Italy pointed out, still sniffling. "Even though getting older he honestly stopped bullying us"

Both Germany and Japan decided not to point out that technically was France the one being sexually harassed at this very moment and that Italy's relation to France was still quite dubious.

Thinking about the current situation, however, made them actually pay attention again to the voices and plain moans coming from the meadows.

"Please, England, don't touch me there"

They could hear quite well, France's distressed voice now similar to a girlish shriek.

"Don't, I said! I'll get hard if you do this!"

"Is it bad? You want me to stop?"

England's voice joined too, sounding so out of breath that even without a plain statement couldn't be anything else than aroused.

His question was answered with a loud moan coming from France that the former Axis was certain would hunt them at nights.

"Oh, my! England!"

"I like the distressed face you make"

England's childish but slightly evil tone of voice froze the blood inside the three unwilling bystanders' veins. This was all the British Empire. If someone had told them that it belonged to such a small version of him, they would call them nuts.

"If I put my… you know, in your… Is it even supposed to go here?"

England's voice reached them low and muffled most likely by France's skin. Despite the heavy pornographic imagery the contents and the tone of voice evoked, the actual way of phrasing it at least reassured them that England was still the innocent kid they had seen.

They weren't really sure they were fine with this knowledge put in such a picture, though.

"What kind of question is that!?"

France's loud scream of distress, on the other hand, pierced through the air, loud and clear, making them jump in surprise.

"You want to have sex and you can't even say things properly! What's this and that supposed to mean!?"

"Can you?"

England's question was asked with a voice plain and void of emotions, reminding them too well of his older self whenever he was annoyed at someone, usually France or America.

A long silence followed the enquiry, before an uncertain "You can move on, you know?" came from a completely mortified France.

The only thing the Axis could hope at that point was that someone brought them back to the present soon, because there was no way they were about to hear their friends having sex. Even worse, they weren't supposed to know about a time where France was still not able to speak properly and in details about sex, especially since it was a notion that reminded them that, despite the older age, France himself was just a child.

Unfortunately, what reached their ears instead of the reassuring sound of the city was France's breathless yells.

"Use something!"

They heard perfectly well. Then, only silence followed, broken by France's soft moans.

Before long, Italy put his hands over his ears, trembling desperately and shutting his eyes close as if the scene was in front of him.

"No, I don't want to hear this" He whined desperately. "I don't want to hear England taking Big Brother France's virginity! He's my kind Big Brother! I don't care so much about him still having the Monnalisaaa"

It was only then that also Germany and Japan realised the same thing that was currently tormenting Italy.

France's first lover was England. England was the one initiating – more or less – France to sex. England was the reason why they all had to suffer France's sexual harassment – most likely.

"France, you are so tight…"

That realisation hurt their nerves more than the fact that they were currently in the past hearing their two friends having sex as children.

"You damn idiot! It's my first time, were you expecting me loose as any harlot?!"

As they could guess from the moans and heavy breathing coming from behind them whenever they weren't yelling at one another. At least some things never changed.

It was so wrong that they couldn't even think about what they were listening to but, on the other hand, could they really consider France and England proper children? Physically and emotionally certainly, but they must be already several decades old… Probably a human of their same age would have been already dead from several generations.

"You are yelling at me, but it seems you do like it… Do you like it, France?"

France was dressed in a Celtic fashion and Celtic tribes inhabited the country since the fifth century B.C. Still, he was universally known to be a child of the Roman Empire's family, so it could easily be after the 120 B.C.

They couldn't think only about France, though. It was the year 54 B.C. when Julius Caesar invaded Britain. It was said at that time that creberrimaque aedificia fere Gallicis consimilia and materia cuiusque generis, ut in Gallia est praeter, if he remembered correctly. If France had gone to Britain even before his grandfather did, there was no way they could guess when they were now.

"It's great... Please, harder!"

"Keep your hands to yourself, I won't last like this!"

Who knows, maybe the real reason the Roman Empire had gone to Britain was to avenge little France's misadventure with England… That would make France and England some sort of Romeo and Juliet ante litteram.

After his crackish digression, Germany kept focusing on the figures and facts of Roman history, in order to not hearing their moans of pleasure and ragged breathing coming from the meadows.

"My God, please keep going like this! England, my dear England… I'm coming!"

Germany at that point even wondered if he had better asking Italy about France's age at the time: it would solve his dilemma once and for all and, maybe, it could even do something good for his friend distracting him from this torture.

Besides, France was right: he knew nothing about fashion and what their friend was wearing could easily be a Franc tunic, something that would make the current date after the second century A.C. How much after that, though? Would it be more plausible early Francs or late Normans? Unfortunately, the only person he knew with enough fashion taste to unravel the dilemma was Italy.

"I'm coming too, France!"

Maybe also Japan needed a distraction. What could Japan be interested in? His mental image with the Roman Empire was amusing enough that it would certainly apprise Japan's like for uncommon stories, especially considering how much he seemed to like European history.

"E-England!"

"France!"

"What the hell is that kid!?" Germany bellowed eventually, unable to restrain himself with meaningless conjectures anymore. "There are grown men who can't make their lovers coming first or that can't even get it hard properly to begin with! Especially their first time! How could England have achieved a perfect score on his first attempt? With France of all the people!"

Both Italy and Japan stared at him, shocked by his words and wondering if there was a single chance that they had heard wrong, or any proof that Germany's mind had eventually reached the snapping point because of all the second hand embarrassment.

Germany stared at them completely humiliated, not wanting to believe he had said those words aloud as well.

"I-" He attempted to defend himself before declaring his defeat. "I really hope they are going to bring us back home soon"

"What if we ask England's younger version to send us back to the present?" Japan offered hopefully.

"Eeeh!? I don't want to walk on them naked, I've already seen too much of Big Brother France as it is" Italy pointed out meekly.

"Well, let's wait a bit" Germany proposed, taking the lead of the operation now that no one was questioning his words anymore. "They will now hopefully go finding a river to wash themselves and soon they would be once again dressed and pres-"

"Aaah, I don't really want to get dressed right now, England! Laying in the nude is surprisingly comfortable"

Surprisingly, England had just turned out to be also the one who had initiated France's hobby to walk around naked. This shed even darker shadows on their gentlemanly friend.

"We have no reason to stay naked, idiot…"

The former Axis took a deep breath, thanking England's practical approach even as a kid. They therefore decided to forgive him for his contribution to turning France who he was. For the moment.

"You just need a reason? How easy to play, I'll write it down for future reference. I don't see you getting dressed, however, are you waiting for something in particular?"

France's voice was happy and relaxed as the one of any other child. Nothing gave away that he had just been screwed by a kid half his age – probably - certainly half his height.

"The truth is… well… I want to do it again…"

Scratch the part about being grateful to England. Again, what the hell was that kid?

"What!? What do you think I am? You will break me!"

They took a deep sigh of relief hearing France's words…

"I promise I will take really good care of you…"

… Even though it didn't last much.

Those words could hardly belong to an adult version of England, how could that small and cute child have even thought them up?

Unfortunately, the background noise had turned once again to kisses, moans and heavy breathing, and the few wits the three older nations had managed to get back were quickly turning to mush once again.

They were already hoping to pass out definitively before it all started again, when a luminous golden pentacle appeared under their toes and a shining bright light enveloped them.

It didn't last much and soon the light dissipated to show the plain white walls of the meeting room they had disappeared from not many hours before. As they looked around them, they noticed their older versions of France and England staring back at them relieved.

They both looked completely dishevelled, with dark circles under their eyes as they stood close to one another, their hands entwined over a still glowing golden pentacle drawn on the plain surface of the meeting table. Around them, at least twenty books of spells were laying scattered, along with some unknown magic items, crystals and flowers - mostly roses and lilies.

What surprised them the most was South Italy leaning rigidly against the wall behind them, his expression not much different from the ones they had made while a younger England and France had their tryst in the grass.

"We brought you back!" France and England cried out in joy in unison, before turning to smile at one another happily.

"T-They can collaborateeee!" South Italy screamed in shock instead, running to his brother in order to get some kind of comfort after the disturbing experience.

Having been traumatised as well, for once Italy decided to show proper affection to his older brother and hold him tight.

"I know, they are scary!" North Italy agreed kindly, hushing Romano with brotherly love.

"Oi oi! We brought you back, couldn't you at least be grateful, Italy?" France complained annoyed, putting a strand of hair that had escaped his low ponytail behind his ear. "Big Brother did this for you, you know?"

Italy had no time to look contrite and say to France that he was honestly sorry, that England took the hems of France's jacket and made him face him forcefully.

"Oi, I am the one who did most of the work, you only complained about how imprecise magic was"

"You are the one who sent them who knows where because your magic is imprecise! Was I supposed to let it go?" France yelled back at England, once again focused on him.

"Ha! You admit you didn't help at all, then!"

"Who found you the flowers and the crystals!? I stripped half of my jewellery and clothes of their decorations to retrieve what you needed! Not to mention the flowers I was personally growing!"

"An antique store and a flower shop would have been quicker and more silent! You've been complaining about your ruined outfits for the whole time, only to get me some second hand material!"

"Say that again!?"

Both nations began once again fighting with one another under the other four countries' shocked stares.

"I swear to you, Veneziano!" South Italy pleaded utterly terrified. "I really saw them collaborating, I'm not imagining things! Please, Veneziano… Please, say you believe me… I'm not going crazy!"

"We all believe you, brother" North Italy offered him kindly. "We've even seen and heard worse in the past…" He admitted disheartened.

South Italy stared perplexed at his brother's traumatised expression before taking in also Germany and Japan's identical ones.

As he quickly remembered what had happened in the past thanks to Romano, however, Germany got a brilliant idea to stop the everlasting quarrel.

"France, stop this immediately, you fight like a girl! It's a disgrace for the whole summit!" Germany yelled and, true to his assumptions, he had France's full attention on him.

"Oi, stupid potatoes eater! I won most of my battles through history, don't you dare picking on me just for your whimsy successes during the World Wars!" France retorted arrogantly in a way that strictly reminded Germany of his younger self. "I still won in the end, and I'm still world's favourite Big Brother"

France ended his protest with a flirty wink that made England roll his eyes at him.

"Are you really?" Germany retorted, making his best to be hurtful enough to get his goal. After all, adult France was more hard-skinned than his child self, and England apparently knew it. "What's the last French book that became a world's best seller? How many people speak French nowadays? Over how many countries do you still manage to get economic and cultural influence? You're not the world's favourite Big Brother, you are just an arrogant country near to his decline!"

Deep silence fell inside the room as all the other nations stared at Germany in complete shock. Italy was so upset that he could just look with his clear eyes wide opened at him, making him a perfect match with his brother, who was still holding tightly to him.

Japan's mind kept repeating to him that Germany had to have a reason to be such hurtful with his words, but the Asian nation's heart was already shattering remembering young France hurt expression.

France, on the other hand, looked young, insecure and hurt no differently from what had happened to his former self. They could even see him swallowing hard and his lips trembling in shame as his eyes glistened from the tears threatening to fall.

Still, he didn't throw a tantrum. He just lowered his head in proud defeat, focusing all his energy on not crying.

"I- I'm still a powerful nation" France managed to mutter quietly. "I-"

"You crushed the idea of the United States of Europe and made a mess in Libya, all because you are self-centred and narcissistic!" Germany forced himself to yell, perfectly knowing he was willingly saying things overly imprecise and void of context. His only luck was that France was probably already too shaken to properly counter-attack. "How do you feel being the cause of your own children suffering!?"

"Don't you dare talking like that to France, Germany! You know that's not true, not completely!" England yelled instead, surprising everyone, even France. "It's all good if I'm the one insulting the frog, but not even I would ever say something this horrible to him!"

Getting even more unnerved seeing Germany smirking in victory hearing his words, England stomped between Germany and France, opening his arms in front of his friend with the plain intention of defending him.

"Leave him alone, I said!" England repeated, glaring at Germany in a way that managed to froze the blood in his veins despite his good intentions. "Say one more insult to France and you will know the ugly side of the British Empire!"

"You are lovers, aren't you?" Germany countered instead, earning both nations' surprised stare on him. "You got his first kiss and his first time… I don't claim to know what is left of that at the moment, but it looks like your feelings for France didn't change that much"

Realisation dawned on England as his memories finally caught up with Germany's words.

"The three lost nations… You were sent back to that time"

More silence fell, but this time a choked hiccup interrupted it. All the other nations' eyes went to France, who was in the end unable to contain his tears.

"I hope you are finally happy, all of you" France managed to say despite his quiet cry. "Mock Big Brother because he is a failure and has fallen from grace as far as you want, but I won't stay here as you ridicule me because I gave myself to whom I considered my most adored friend"

That said, France attempted to flee outside the room, only to be stopped by England.

"I won't let them tease you, especially not for that, France" He offered kindly. "That's a memory I treasure too"

France freed himself from England's grip and glared back at him.

"Of course you would, you had charming France writhing under you when you were just a child and I easily out ruled you in everything despite being a kid myself! Who wouldn't treasure that!" France countered with rage. "I'm not that any longer, however, I guess that having me is no fun anymore! How Germany put it clear for everyone to understand: I'm just a fucking decadent nation that keeps failing his political choices!"

"What the fuck are you saying, are you out of your mind? You are bloody France!" England yelled back at his friend, both surprised and hurt by his words. "And whoever said that I don't want to sleep with you anymore!?"

"You don't do it, isn't it enough?"

"You don't do it either!"

"Mais je t'aime!"

"Eh?" England asked surprised, earning only an embarrassed grimace from France.

"Je te déteste!" France shouted angrily at England, before running between Germany and Japan and out of the door.

"Fuck it… I screwed it" England said noncommittedly, sitting listless on the nearest chair, shocked by the revelation.

"Looks like you screwed him more than the situation itself" South Italy pointed out, only to be glared at by England.

"Literally and metaphorically" Germany approved instead.

"What's this coming from you, now?" England reprimanded Germany, still annoyed by the words he had said to France before, despite acknowledging that he had done that for both their sakes.

"Don't be angry at Germany, he just wanted to help…" Italy tried explaining to England. "And he did it because I was worried about… you two. He wouldn't have put himself between you guys if I hadn't asked him to do it"

"I know you did it with good intentions, Italy, and on some sort of level I'm glad you did this" England admitted, hiding his face in his hands. "Still, I don't really know how to deal with France's feelings now that they are out in the open… We always took from the other what we wanted, without any care for reasons and feelings… I think I already hurt him too much to just go back to him and say I'm sorry"

"But you love him too, don't you?" Japan asked dubiously.

"Of course I do. He can be a complete idiot and a jerk, but… Well, forever is a long time" England answered plainly, closing his eyes as he reminded something particularly nice and smiled at the memory. "I can't really imagine my life without him anymore... So much that I can't even remember if a time when I didn't love him even existed"

That last topic seemed to be quite the sore point for England, since he just allowed himself a sad nostalgic smile at the consideration before shaking his head in resignation.

"I still think you should tell him! Big Brother France will want to hear it, won't he?" Italy suggested, trying to cheer England up. "Let him decide what to do then"

"Should I tell him that I got used having him around?" England objected. "He's the country of love, he will have my balls for daring this much"

Germany wasn't an expert in many things, especially in being aware of other people's feelings. Despite that, he was certain that they had seen the same adoring smile their friend had just done on child England's lips. There was no doubt that it was the same expression England had after he had reached the safety of the forest and thought no one else had been there, and this could mean only one thing.

"Tell him you always loved him" Germany told him seriously. "Because the expression you just did thinking about him, is the same you had back then"

"Is it, really?" England asked surprised.

"It has been a long time, so it's obvious you forgot how far behind it really started" Germany offered him, smiling kindly. "It's good we had the chance to remind you"

England's eyes shone bright with hope before he swore at his carelessness and quickly stood up, his eyes staring back at the taller nation's.

"What if I'm already late?"

"England, go. I'm certainly France will understand you" Germany offered. "And tell him I'm sorry while you're at it, so maybe he won't kill me for all the horrible things I told him today"

"I'll try" England offered with a reassuring smile. "Thank you, for everything"

That said, he quickly disappeared after France.

Maybe theirs had really been a godsend curse.

If its consequences managed to ease the tension between the two frenemy nations, Germany allowed himself to hope, even all the embarrassment they'd had to survive would be well earned.

The morning after, Germany wasn't so sure things were going to get better and that all his misfortunes had been useful at all.

France and England, astonishingly enough, were fighting once again about something in a corner of the restored meeting room, under the disappointed stares of Russia, China, Japan and both Italies.

All the other nations were pretending not to see the quarrel except for America, who was sitting at the conference table, having breakfast and pretending not to see Canada sitting right next to him.

"I can't believe those idiots are still fighting" Germany muttered, catching America's attention with his words.

"Oh, don't worry about them, they will finish this argument quickly!" America announced to him cheerfully, between swallowing his hamburger whole and draining half his cola in a single sip. "It's the this morning you stole all the warm water crap, nothing harmful"

"What would you know about it?" Germany asked suspiciously.

"Canada and I lived with them, bro" America explained merrily, taking his brother's arm to make him a bit more noticeable. Canada just glared at him, even more so when he noticed that Germany had honestly been unaware of his presence until then. "We can write books on their quarrels, even if it seems that we will have to throw away the ones about love denial"

America just smirked back at his brother and Canada sighed in resigned confirmation.

"You see? Everything's fine!" America concluded, making Canada help him throwing away the waste of his breakfast to the nearest rubbish bin.

Reassured by America's words and by his attempt to keep the meeting room clean, Germany cleared his voice and declared the start of the meeting. Much to his surprise, France and England actually stopped fighting almost immediately to take a seat… in two.

As England had attempted to get his own chair near his friend, sure enough France had stopped him and made him sit on his lap.

Germany sighed heavily at the two new lovers: if there was a curse that would turn them productive by shouldering another unworkable amount of embarrassment, he was ready for it. As for now, Germany would just be glad if the new situation would make them at least bearable during the meetings.

Everything was going to be fine, however, unless he had overlooked something important.

"Germany! Germany!" Italy called him, trying to look like he was trying to be quiet.

"What do you need now, Italy?" Germany offered, as he allowed Italy to lower him to his level.

"I was just wondering about something" Italy told him, seemingly highly worried. "Everything is ok from now on during the world meetings, but what about the EU ones? Soon the Brexit will be final…"

Germany's face turned pale and then bluish as he realised how devastating would be having European meetings from now on with France whining for England's absence.

He opened professionally his laptop and typed on google the only two things that could save him: some sites against the Brexit and some in favour of a Fraxit. Now, he only needed to decide to which one donate his personal money depending on his personal level of irritation with the two annoying nations.

He looked once again up to the couple: France was currently holding tight by his waist a heavily harassed England, who however seemed to have no real intention to escape his lover. Eventually, France rubbed affectionately his head against England, who blushed deeply and hid his face against the crook of France's neck.

Somehow, much to Italy's surprise, that made a small smile form on Germany's lips. As soon as he realised what he was doing, he clicked quickly on his chosen choice and closed his laptop, before yelling at everyone to shut up and get ready for the beginning of the meeting, having care to be particularly nasty to France and England, since they were supposed to use a seat each.

Obviously, France didn't let England go, but they both became quiet enough that Germany could finally start the meeting.

Having no interest in having the whole world shouting against how poor his economy choices were, Italy with nonchalance took Germany's laptop and opened it once again. Time that it rebooted itself, and it showed Germany's last opened tab.

The fundraising for the march against the Brexit had just received an anonymous offer.

The end

A/N2: Present time France speaks random French because… well, he's France.

The Latin Germany uses is from Caesar's 'De bello gallico' when he describes Britannia after conquering most of Gallia. It just means that Germany just went a bit too far behind in history: those citations are not even useful.

Young France's dress is half-way between child and teen France, still, Germany has always shown to have inherited HRE's inability to tell Romance nation's gender, and France has proven to be able to fool even Italy if he chooses so. Besides, it was supposed to be crack.