My depression story

By Trinity Lynn Savage-Winstead

We're not all attention seeking, We cover our wrists, Keep our thoughts to ourselves, And let no one in, I used to cry, but now I stare off blankly, I used to talk, but now I'm silent, I used to be jealous, I used to be opinionated, but now I can't figure out how to care, Can't you see? I've lost my feelings. Now, the only thing I feel is emptiness. When I'm alone, I think, When I think, I remember, When I remember, I feel pain, When I feel pain, I cry, When I cry, I can't stop, I think I hit the point in life where I'm just done. I cried I fought, I tried, But everything is crashing down. My demons are screaming loudly, trying to eat what's left of me. And this time, I am not going to fight back! I am bent but not broken, I am scared but not disfigured, I am sad but not hopeless, I am tired but not lifeless, I am afraid but not powerless, I am angry but not bitter, I am depressed but not giving up. Because I know that won't take the pain away even know it felt good to get the stress away by cutting but it did not help me through life it made it worse. Because it makes it where nobody can trust to leave you alone anymore. It made my heart brake when my mom said that if I did not stop she would send me to sico hospital. I know people say they will be there for you but then they walk away because they can't keep you from cutting when your home but that doesn't matter if they really love you they will fight with you not go against you. Because if they go against you that means they don't want to help they just wanted to make you do it even more. Because they don't know what it feels like to be in the problem you are in because your family don't know how to be a family. If you're at the point of ever breaking you need somebody that you trust to go through it with you not against you or without you! But if they felt what it was like they would help by getting through it with you because it feels better when you have somebody to help you through it not to bring you down. They would help you up not push you down because if they do they are not a true friend because true friends are always there for you even if they don't want to be because they love you like a sister or brother, cousin, friend, family! if you are upset find somebody that you can trust to talk to because they will help you through it because they love you and that is what matters! Ya, they smile but don't let that fool you look into there eyes cause they are really breaking inside pain is the only thing that makes people that are depressed feel alive I hope everybody knows how much they hurt people someday. you know there name not their story. So many people have left people's life so from now on as soon as they meet somebody the people will be prepared for the worst. Sometimes you can't let go of something that makes you sad because it used to make you happy. I get lost in my mind because depression is a dark dark place in your mind. People are created to be loved, thing´s are created to be used. The reason why the world in it's worst that things are being loved and people are being used. SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE WHO ARE A THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FROM YOU CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER THEN THE PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT BESIDE YOU! Cry as much as you want to but just makes sure when you're finished you never cry for the same reason again. Because that makes it even worse because there is no way you can get over it that fast because if you did it did not hurt you at all. Because you would have felt pain and cried for months. I am tired of crying. I am tired of yelling. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of feeling crazy. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am tired of needing help I am tired of remembering. I am tired of missing things, .I am tired of being different. I am tired of feeling worthless, I am tired of feeling empty inside. I am tired of wishing I could let go. I am tired of dreaming of a life I will never have but most of all I am tired of just being tired. Every day it gets harder. Every day it's like a nightmare progressing on. Every day is another prayer echoing through my bones asking God to take me now. Every day I close up more. Every day it gets more impossible. Every day I feel myself die more. Every day I lay on my bed wondering how I'll ever leave this hell. I've never felt this much pain in my life. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE BARELY ANY FRIENDS THAT ARE THERE FOR YOU. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE BARELY ANYONE UNDERSTAND YOU. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE WHEN NO ONE TALKS TO YOU. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO HIDE YOUR PAIN EVERY DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WANT TO CRY ALL THE TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING NOTHING RIGHT. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU GET JUDGED BY EVERYTHING YOU DO. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANT TO HURT YOURSELF. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT IS LIKE TO OVERTHINK EVERYTHING. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY THAT DON'T EVEN TALK TO YOU. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE TIRED ALL THE TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE EMPTY INSIDE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE TIRED ALL THE TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WANT TO GIVE UP. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL UNWANTED. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FAKE SMILE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO FEEL SAD FOR NO REASON. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE, AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL. THERE ARE WOUNDS THAT NEVER SHOW THAT ARE ON THE BODY THAT ARE DEEPER AND MORE HURTFUL THAN ANYTHING THAT BLEEDS. depression is like a storm. it starts slowly, eating away at you slowly, then it becomes stronger, and causes more danger, then it stops, and you thank your fine, that it is getting better, like it is safe to go outside now, and enjoy the finer things in life, kind of like the eye of the storm, then out of nowhere it hits you again, knocking you down harder then before, until your no more, it's swallowing you, clogs your vision, so then you can't see, how close to ending it is, and some don't make it. the only way to stop the storm is to stop themselves. Please don't ask if I am ok I might do something stupid like open up to you and I am really tired of opening up to people and watching them leave like I was nothing! I am getting worse but you don't see it! You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel. I hate this feeling like I am here but I ,am not. like someone cares but they don't. like I belong somewhere but anywhere but here. Behind my smile is a hurting heart behind me laugh I am falling apart. look closely at me and you will see the girl I am ... isn't me. If you left me without a reason, do not come back with an excuse . I cried and cried for you. but you never gave a shit about how I feel. you broke my heart over and over again like it was nothing. like I was nothing. like everybody was nothing but don't let them bring you down don't let them get into your head or heart because they don't know how you feel no one does only you know how you feel because it is your body don't let them rawen your life because if you let them in you will go down easier then what you think . listen to your heart listen to what it has to say not what other people have to say it is your body not there's don't break yourself for what other people say that is what they want you to do. lately, I have been sleeping more and more and it is not because I am tired even though the circles under my eyes look like bruises. I sleep so much because dreaming is better than my reality and when I wake up that's when the nightmares begin. I keep dreaming for the day I don't wake up. and be okay' what I really mean to say is really have no fucking idea how I'm feeling so stop asking. There are so many things going on inside my head. So many things you won't understand. all those insecurities. So don't try to tell me that I am having a bad day because it has been going on for so much longer. The tears, the desperate cries for help that no one seems to hear. But I just slip up sometimes and I can't cover it up as well. I am running out of strength and it's getting harder and harder to keep it all in. It hurts that I can't be what I want what I need because I am not enough I won't ever be enough and I´ll never even be close to enough and it hurts it hurts so damn bad. you know what I absolutely fucking hate? When people chose a person over you and then when they have no one else they come running back to you. No forget you for not being there for me when I needed you no forget you for never making an effort to see me because you had someone else other than me and you weren't around anymore but that hurt me really bad.. but the thing is you can't let them see they hurt you or they will do it even more .I feel like I still have some problems in life and what I do but I am trying to change my ways with family and friends cause I still have some problems at home because no one can really tell what I am going through or have been for the last two years it is shared writing how I feel cause I feel like everyone will judge me. How I look and how I act, but inside of me I am crying, on the outside I look happy but really am crying on the inside it hurts to know no one in your family can tell how you really feel cause they can only see the smile on your face and not that your crying on the inside because you hurt and you hate being hurt well I have been hurt so many times nobody cares and nobody listens to what you have to say and let me ask you a question how do you feel when somebody hurts you? And when nobody helps or listens to you? Well, I know how much it hurts because it happens to me every fucking day and everybody does not need to go through it like the people who already have it's not right to treat people like their nothing at all because we all are something we all are ourselves and we all are special in more ways than one. we all have our own opinion and we all have our own personality. So don't let anybody tell you how to run your life cause it is not their life to run it is yours if you have to shut everybody and everything out because if you keep letting them tell you how to run your life you will grow up and won't be able to do what you want and need to do yourself they have to understand it is not there life to run it is somebody else's they had their chance to run their own but never took it so they have to respect that it is not their life. it is your guy so takes it back and do what you want but you also need to do what your parents tell you to do. Don't be the one to cut or overdose or drown because then your family will think it is all there fault but it is not it is yours because you're listening to the people who want you to die and not the ones who love you and care put the people who don't like you and leave them to figure out that they need to change not you. If somebody doesn't like you it is there fault because they could of had a really nice friend that would have been there even if they weren't there for you. Because that's what real friends do for each other. They have their backs they don't talk behind it like other people that don't care about other people's feelings because they are selfish they only care about themselves and not other people. Just like me I only care about myself and a couple of other people but I don't think it is because I am selfish I think it is because I am not a social butterfly like most people the truth is I am just like my cousin we don't really like to be social. We have the people in are the group that we have known for a way we don't really like meeting new people we are very shy people. I've never felt this much pain in my life. Doctors only think people with problems in their life can get depression well that is not true anybody can get depression because it doesn't matter what goes on in life even if your happy or sad it matters everybody needs to know how anyone feel your parents or somebody you trust should always know how you feel so they can help you overcome it with you or a friend that you trust. So everybody that reads this will you please promise me that you will tell someone when you feel this way because I regret that I did not tell anybody when I should have. And when I told people how long I have been feeling this way they told me I should have come to them sooner so please just don't make the same mistakes as me. Because to be truthful I regret every mistake I made and I thank you guys will too. And to be truthful I went to a mental hospital up in Waterloo it was not as bad as everybody says but I still don´t want to go back in less I really need to go. And to be truthful yes I sent myself to the mental hospital. But it was for the safety of myself and my family I did not want to hurt the people that have been there since day one. Even now there are times I don't think they love me. But I know that's not true unless I make it true. But I am not going to do that to my girlfriend and family because I love them and I know they love me too sometimes. To be honest it's been eleven months since I was there and still don't have as much freedom as I used to have before I went. I miss the bright and beautiful days I used to have as a little girl. And everybody asks where that little girl when and I say I lost that part of me a little while ago and it hurts to say that but its the truth I don't think I will ever be as bright and beautiful again which is very sad but is the truth. And in my life I have learnt to deal with it in every way I can to be honest. Depression is a way for God to test you to see if you pass the test. If you kill yourself you fail the test. If you don´t kill yourself and make it through life you pass the test. Which is one of the many tests he has planned for us to go through in life. So tell me do you want to die now or service what he has to give us in life? Is it fair we have to go through this no but in the end it will make us stronger and it will show us who we really want to be for the rest of our lives? Some people say that nothing but death can make you depressed but that´s not true there are a lot of things that can make you depressed, like people making fun of you or your parents getting a divorced so think what is making you so depressed and then tell someone what it is like Some people say that nothing but death can make you depressed but that's not true there are a lot of things that can make you depressed, like people making fun of you or your parents getting divorced so think what is making you so depressed and then tell someone what it is and why. Because there is nothing they can do if you don´t tell them so tell them what's been going on and why you are depressed and then maybe they can fix it, or tell you why people do it. And if it's someone getting a divorce ask them why but don´t push them too hard or they will get mad and walk away and not tell you. If you really think about it there is a reason for everything we do in life for ourselves and other people in our family and around us everywhere we go in life. Do we all think that everybody can make it through life when there are problems all around us?